Monthly Recap: It's hard to hold a football in the cold November rain

Howdy folks!

Confession Time:

It’s been a while since I recapped around these parts, as I was on a heater and reallly didn’t want to jinx anything.  Also, a smidge of laziness.  But mostly I had won 6 in a row, and didn’t even want to breathe on the computer, let alone write a recap of how great I had been doing.  Because then something crazy might happen, like me scoring 160 points and losing.  God for-fucking-bid!!

Meanwhile, there’s been a whole lot of movement in the standings, and with a couple weeks to go before the playoffs, there is still plenty up for grabs.

So, let’s get into it, shall we…

 

Post-November Recap and Power Rankings:

 

# 10.  Jermaine (4-9).  10^th in the Standings.  

Just an awful season from Maine.  His team is a Washington Wizards level collection of misfit toys.  He’s scored the fewest points in the league.  He’s had the most points scored against him in the league.  He’s lost 3 of 4, including a backbreaker of a loss to the 9^th place team (Steve) in Week 13.  He’s officially been eliminated from playoff contention, the jean shorts are a long shot, his house has termites, and even his dog refuses to lick the peanut butter off his testicles.  It’ll take a damn miracle for him to avoid being the Auction Bitch at the 2024 Draft.  And you know he’s going to be salty about it.  There’s really not much more to say here.  Tim Scott has a better chance than him.    

 

# 9. Steven (5-8).  9^th in the Standings.  

Some glimmers of hope for Tommy Cutlets over here.  (Great name by the way!  Just fantastic.)  He’s won 2 in a row, emerging victorious in the Strobby Bowl then in the Auction Bitch Bowl.  Then, the Seminoles got hosed in the CFP, so that’s gotta make him happy.  And to top it all off, “Steven” had an awesome cameo in the first episode of the new tv show “The Curse.”  Check it out!  He’s totally vibing!

 

# 8. Robert (8-5).  3^rd in the Standings.

Ooof!  A month ago, he was 8-1 and in first place.  Now after 4 straight losses, he is hanging on for dear life harder than Travis’s mom’s thighs on the pole.  But why is Robby in such a free fall?  He probably has some players that have been underperforming and/or injured.  He also might have made some poor managerial decisions with lineups.  He also might have chosen the wrong players to pick up off the waiver wire.  These are all distinct possibilities. 

But there are other theories.  Here are the top 10:

1.       He is so overjoyed with the Dolphins’ success that he hasn’t been paying attention to fantasy.

2.       He has spent all of his spare time watching and re-watching the Golden Bachelor. 

3.       He’s sandbagging and just trying to give the rest of us a chance.

4.       He’s on strike. 

5.       He's been desperately attempting to get our league on Hard Knocks.

6.       He has been replaced by a replicant who is only into English soccer and show tunes. 

7.       He’s been busy founding the Raheem Mostert fan club.

8.       He’s been busy paying attention to important things in life like spending time his wife and daughter instead of frivolous fantasy football endeavors. 

9.       He has been spending time buying peanut butter and hanging out with Maine’s dog.

10.   He is bad at this. 

I suppose we’ll never know….     

 

# 7. Bradley (6-7).  8^th in the Standings.  

Brad has lost five out of six, and while he’s still in the playoff hunt, his chances are looking dimmer by the week.  He needs to win out and get some help in order to make it to the dance.  But he hasn’t scored more than 107 points since October.  And he has zero-zippy-zilch left in his FAAB, which – coincidentally – is the number of bowl games the Gators are playing in this year.  Not looking great.

The only bright spot in Mazzles’s world lately is that the internet has finally figured out how to pronounce his name.  https://www.howtopronounce.com/brad-malemezian

 

# 6. (tie) 

Richard (6-7).  7^th in the Standings. 

Michael F (7-6).  6^th in the Standings.

These guys again!  They should team up for a new spin off of the tv show “The League” called “The League: Mediocrity.”  Hulu called and just picked it up for 4 seasons.  For fuck sake!

So, Thong was 6-4, and clearly flew too close to the sun at 2 games over .500 and proceeded to lose 3 in a row.   Meanwhile, MFrank hasn’t won or lost more than 2 in a row all season.  If these guys’ final record doesn’t add up to a record of 15-15, I’ll be flabbergasted. 

 

#4. Jason (7-6).  4th in the Standings.

I have won the last 6 of 7 to crawl out of the depths and back into contention.  Exciting.  Still time to blow it though. 

I lost in Week 13 to Travis by a score of 165-160 to snap a 6 game losing streak.  That was bad enough. But because Travis has both Tua and Tyreek, I couldn’t even enjoy them going buck wild against the pitiful Commanders.  So not only did I lose with a score that would have beaten anyone else in the league by 30(!), but I also couldn’t even fully enjoy the Dolphins game!  Throw in some unexpected false hope from Joe Mixon on Monday night, and it really sucked!  For Hanukkah, can somebody please get me the world’s smallest violin?

 

#3.  Sean (6-7).  6^th in the Standings.

Now we come to the opposite of Robby (and not just because of the hair differential). Though he still hasn’t risen enough to crack the top 4,  Sean has won 4 in a row and 5 out of 6.  He's making things really interesting!  But what is the secret to his success?

1.       He has outsourced all of his fantasy decisions to “The Moose” and “Pedro Tulo.”

2.       He practices winning (see recent temple trivia night).

3.       He had his offensive coordinator, Matt Canada, fired.

4.       He brought in Mike Cole* as a consultant, then refused to pay him when Mike* tried to break his NDA and take credit.

5.       He ignores his family and checks into a local Holiday Inn every Tuesday to better focus on his Waiver Wire claims. 

6.       One word:  Lifts. 

7.       He has kidnapped Matthew Berry and has him tied up in his basement.

8.       He eats a lot of peanut butter.

9.       He grabbed Lauren Boebert’s titty for good luck.

10.   He is good at this.

#2.  Travis (8-5).  2^nd in the Standings.

 

#1.  Michael C* (8-5).  1st in the Standings and last in our hearts. 

Still the Champ until anyone else says otherwise. 

First place, best record, most total points, best roster. 

The team to beat. 

 

Happy Hanukkah Everyone!

-       The Commish 

 

Monthly Recap: The Hunt for Bone October

Howdy Ghouls and Goblins,

It's the end of October, we're 8 weeks into this season, so let's slam a monthly recap and a power rankings together and see what the hell has been going on around here.  Let's goooooooo....

10. Maine (2-6)

Davante Adams bottomed out last night with 1 catch on 7 targets on Monday Night Football, and Maine's team bottomed out with a loss to Robby.  Losers of 3 of his last 4, Maine can't even blame bad luck this year, as he hasn't scored over 117 points all season.  He spent $126 at Auction on Nick Chubb and Davante Adams, and the bloated remains of Aaron Jones.  

It's not going well.

But there's still hope for his team, as I read on LinkedIn that, "Jermaine drives quality performance and instills confidence in those who work for and beside him. He doesn’t see barriers—he sees opportunities and he finds ways to make them happen. I’ve always been inspired by his vision, ideas, and intellect, motivating me to want to reach high and expand my own abilities, insights, and skills. Destined to be a leader may sound cliché, but it’s the truth with Jermaine and anyone who has the chance to work with him will agree." 

So he's got that going for him.

9. Steve (2-6)

After a glimmer of false hope a few weeks ago, Steve just lost his 3rd in a row to drop into 9th place.  Not only that, his beloved Giants choked away a win over the cross-town Jets.  These are actual quotes from my text exchange with Steve yesterday:

"I'm very upset that Matthew Perry is dead but Graham Gano is alive."

"Brian Daboll needs to eat him and then get fired"

"Were we playing Danny DeVito at QB?  No wonder we had -9 passing yards. You can't throw if you can't see over the lineman's ass!"

8. Commish (3-5)  

With 2 wins in a row and the Bengals offense showing signs of life, I am trying to scratch and claw my way back into this thing.  Or at least not finish as Auction Bitch.  But I'm still ranked here below Sean for a couple reasons... a) That bald motherfucker beat my ass a couple weeks ago and b) I am apparently terrible at fantasy football.  I don't know when this happened!  I used to be good at this thing!  I used to make the playoffs almost every year!  What happened to me, man?!?  Either I am past my fantasy prime, or Robby and I are involved in some sort of Freaky Friday body swap situation.  

Seriously, look at this and let's play a super fun guessing game...

Guess the 1 week I started Sutton

Guess the 1 week I didn't start Mixon

Guess who I started at Flex in Week 8 - Smith or Mattison

It's a shit show over here.

7. Sausage (2-6)

Speaking of shit shows, Sean is groping more than Lauren Boebert's date at a Beetlejuice show.  And it might sorta kinda be working?  He's won 2 out of 3 to climb out of the basement, and he put up a league high 154 points this past week.  And he gets a floundering Maine in Week 9.  

Meanwhile, as Movember is starting tomorrow, never forget the time Sean grew a Super Mario mustache:

#NeverForget

5. Thong (4-4) and  MFrank (4-4)

In the least surprising development of the year, the two most mediocre owners in our league are both 4-4.  Let's take them one at a time....

Pretzel Boy has lost 3 out of 4, predictably regressing to the mean after a hot start.  This week he got 2.89 points out of Patrick "Flu-Ridden" Mahomes, wasting a career game from Jahmyr "Jahmyr" Gibbs.  

Side note, as a reply to my last recap and complaint about the league chat, MFrank wrote" It's both terrible and seemingly ranch."  I don't know what "seemingly ranch" means, but it's been haunting my dreams!  

Meanwhile, Thong Boy has won 2 out of 3, predictably regressing to the mean after a slow start.  This week, he won thanks to AJ Brown going nuts on his beloved Washington Football Team, which must have been a confusing feeling for him, like when he used to climb the rope in gym class.  

4. Mazzle (5-3)  

What to make of Brad's team?  He's scored between 111 and 124 points in every week after Week 1.  So he's the very definition of above average, but there's not much ceiling here.  He's kind of like the Jacksonville Jaguars this year.  It's the kind of consistency that will probably get you into the playoffs, but nobody thinks you're going all the way.  Or maybe he's like the Gators, who are also 5-3.  Good enough to make a bowl game, but still getting their butts kicked by Georgia.  Or maybe, he's like the Dallas Mavericks. Luka is great, but they underachieve because their owner is too busy on Shark Tank not buying squatty potties. Or just maybe, he's like the Minnesota Wild.  Sure they're in 4th in the Central Division and might make the NHL playoffs, but there is still a lot of season to go, and their 3rd line is pretty suspect.  Or maybe he's like a little league team but most of the kids are left handed so nobody really knows how to coach them and there's nobody that's capable of  playing shortstop.  Or maybe, he's like a Rubik's cube, but all of the squares are yellow and red.  Better than usual chance of solving it, but it's still probably not happening.  Or maybe he's like a salad bar in the middle of the desert, sure it seems like a good idea, but where did the lettuce come from?  .....um...what was I talking about?  

3. Robby (7-1)

Is this the best, most talented team?  Nope

Is this the sexiest team?  Nope

Is his best player in Justin Jefferson on IR?  Yep

Is he thin at WR and TE?  Yep

Did his only QB Kirk Cousins blow out his Achilles last night?  Yep

Does any of that matter to Robby?  Nope!

He. Just. Keeps. Winning.  

He's 3rd in the power rankings, but first in the standings and first in our hearts.

2.  Falafel (5-3)

Travis has all the goods and got a big win this week over MCole's* Mighty Moses, but still falls just short of the top ranking.  Like Gabe Davis, there's just a little too much boom and bust going on here to overthrow the king.  Last week he lost to Maine for fuck sake.  Maine!  

Speaking of Maine, "Jermaine leads by example and understands what it takes to drive performance and success, focusing on the essentials that create a strong, high-performing team without micromanaging the minutiae. He also has an incredible sense of humor, an encyclopedic mind, and a cheerful approach that breaks down barriers and builds trust."

I just don't get why this all isn't translating to fantasy football success?!  Perhaps Maine could schedule a MS Teams meeting with Davante Adams, in order to better drive his performance.  Perhaps put him on a performance improvement plan?  Could that help?

1. MCole* (6-2)

The King of Fantasy Football.  The man, the myth, the legend.  It doesn't get better than this, my friends.  He drafts amazingly, trades ruthlessly, uses the waiver wire savvily, and sets his lineup judiciously.  Is there anything this man can't do?  I just don't see how he can be stopped.  Hopefully the trophy store near his house will have a discount for him, with all of the engraving he's going to be doing.  We are all just loyal subjects in his kingdom, and we all bow down to The King of Fantasy Football.  

Till next month....

Trick or Treat, Son of a Bitch!!

- The Commish

Monthly Recap: “Wake Me Up When September Ends”

 

Hi folks!

It’s your slacker commish here, finally picking up my quill and scroll, and writing one of these damnable recaps.  I meant to write something earlier, but I spent all of September digesting meat, cheese, and 5000 pounds of hash browns from Draft Weekend. 

In the NFL, we got the Jets and Giants imploding faster than the Mets and Yankees.  (I heart New York!)  The Lions are winning. (Goff for President!)  The Commanders are mediocre (Now with 100% less Snyder!)  Nobody knows if Pittsburgh is any good. (Blame Canada!)  And – more on this later – the Bengals are terrible for some unholy reason. (Fuck Joe Burrow and his fucking family!)

Most importantly, the Dolphins are 3-1 and have packed more excitement into 1 month than Dave Wannstedt did in 5 years.   

But what’s happening around here?  Let’s recap September with some Highlights and Power Rankings….

In Week 1, everyone started slower than Maine running the 100-yd-dash, with nobody but Travis scoring more than 117 points.  After his victory, Travis immediately started arguing with his wife about where in their house they were going to put the Chicken Bone Cup.  Travis said he wanted the trophy on the mantle, while she said she wanted a divorce.  He purposely lost the next week…. Also in the first week, Joe Burrow scored 2.24 points and your Commish lost by 13 points.  But no doubt Burrow will be better…. in Week 2, where Maine lost to MFrank by 4 points while both Nick Chubb and Jamaal Williams went down with injuries. Maine vowed to pay his taxes in 2024, while knowing in his deepest heart of hearts that he never actually will... In other news, JCole beat MCole in the first brother brawl of the season.  Joe Burrow threw 2 TDs, and the ship seemed righted, but then he aggravated his unholy golden calf late in the game. But it’ll be fiiiiiiiiine… Meanwhile, in a matchup of former “roommates”, Mazzle edged Steve…er…I mean to say, Mazzle beat Steve….wait. that’s not right….er…Mazzle finished ahead of Steve….oh no….ok….Mazzle was victorious over Steve in fantasy football in a non-platonic and completely consensual manner.  Ahhhh…that’s better… Also in this week, Robby put up 149 points, thanks to Raheem “One Dollar” Mostert.”  One Dollar!!!  But we knew there would be no way Mostert could keep this up in…. in Week 3, where he totally kept it up.  And fucking then some. The Dolphins put up 70(!) with Mostert scoring 41 fantasy points to carry Robby to a 13 point victory over the winless Steve.  De'Von Achane also went buck wild for the Dolphins/Steve and notched 49(!) fantasy points, but alas, he was on Steve’s bench.  That’s like the time Steve saw this incredibly hot girl at a party, and as she was sexily slinking over to him, he realized it was his first cousin Tabitha.  Beautiful, but not doing him any good and definitely not scoring….  Meanwhile, your trusty Commish put up a juicy 144 points, which was the second most in the league that week.  (Cue sad trombone noise…)  Yep, Thong put up 146 to beat me by 2 points.  But things were bound to get better…. in Week 4, where things got worse. Joe Burrow put up a grand total of 2.81 fucking points and Travis whooped up on me, thanks to 33 points from David Montgomery or possibly Devin Singletary.  To make matters worse, Sausage and I went back and forth all weekend before deciding to swap Javonte Williams for Mike Evans.  Both players proceeded to immediately get hurt in the first half of their respective games.  Sometimes I think this is all just a fucking waste of time…. Meanwhile, it was officially Michael week, with both MFrank (167 pts) and MCole (179 pts) going nuts on Thong and Mazzle….  What will happen in Week 5!?!  Stay tuned mothertruckers!!

 

SHITTY POWER RANKINGS

10. Sausage (0-4).  What a shit team.  Full stop.

9. Maine (1-3). Also a shit team, but with 1 more win than Sausage.  Scratching and clawing.

8.  Steve (1-3).   A shit team, but got his first win and may have gotten a steal with Achane.

7.  Commish (1-3).  The Bengals are shit.  Joe Burrow can eat a bag of dicks.

6. Thong (2-2).  Stars and shit.  Hebert, AJ Brown, Ken Walker and a bunch of hurt/awful guys.

5. MFrank (3-1).  Smoke and mirrors and shit.  Mahomes is sus, Gibbs is demoted, and Wilson is Jet.

4. Mazzle (2-2).  Potential shit here, with Kamara back, Tutu a thing, and Kupp back soon.

3. Robby (4-0).  Some good shit.  Cousins to Jefferson, Bijan mustard, Chris Watson healthy, Mostert.

2.  Falafel (3-1).  Some really good shit.  Tua, Tyreek – need we say more?

1. MCole (3-1).  Some great shit.  Hurts good, CMC amazing, Kelce swifty, J Taylor rising.  Team to beat.

 

Until next time!

-The Commish 

 

 

Hardware and Year End Awards

Merry New Year Everybody!

The vibes are fantastic around here, so it's time to hand out some year-end awards.  Let's tie a black bow around this dumpster fire of a season.  

HARDWARE

Congrats to Sean for taking 3rd place with a dominant performance over the Fighting Moskowitzes.  Sean should be proud of what he accomplished this season!  And he can go out and celebrate with last year's 3rd place winner!  You know....um....that guy we all remember....

And congrats to Mazzle for winning the consolation bracket and taking home the jean shorts, in a major upset over Thong.  He can wear those shorts proud to all of the Florida Gator football games.

And last but not least, a hearty CONGRATS to Mike Cole* for winning his first championship* in over a decade!!!   He may not be most dominant champion* or the best looking champion* or the champion* that smells the best, but dammit he outlasted everyone else.  And there's something to be said for that in this awful season.  Fantasy Football isn't about the having best draft, or scoring the most points, or being the best team at the end of the season.  It is a full season-long, head-to-head grind, that will chew you up and spit you out in new and surprising and heartbreaking ways. Every regular season week counts the same, and the playoffs are a crap shoot.  It is a game of particular skill and maddening luck, in non-equal doses depending on the season, the week, or even the game.  It is UNFORGIVING and GLORIOUS and it's the best game ever invented.  And we will all keep coming back for more.

AWARDS

Best Team Name: Old Dirty Bacon, hands down

Worst Team Name: Polemarch.  What was I thinking?  It's a chieftain or military commander in ancient Greece, but nobody knows that.  Just awful.

Best team name that should have been retired two years ago: Extra Billy

Best Draft Picks:  Mike Frank

Worst Draft Picks:  Maine  Thong

Calmest Draft Picks:  Steve

No Draft Picks:  Seth

Baldest:  Sean

All-time Records:  Fittingly none

Best/Worst/Only Trade:  I think I won this one by a nose:

Najee Harris Pit - RB 

Gus Edwards Bal - RB 

Traded to  Polemarch

Gabe Davis Buf - WR 

Cooper Kupp LAR - WR IR 

Traded to Candygram for Mongo

The Mike Frank Memorial 7-7 Award:  Once again, Mike Frank, who regressed to the mean in the playoffs and finished 9-8.

Mr Irrelevant: The Commish, in so many ways

Poster of the Year:  In a hotly contested race, I'm gonna give this one to Falafel.  Travis was all over the place on the message board this year- bragging, throwing bombs, being bitter, and weighing in constantly with his very Falafel-like opinions.  Congrats Travis!  Your mother will no-doubt neigh loudly with approval.

And lastly, we come to a new award - Bitterest Owner : 10-way tie.  An ode....  

This season sucked,

so let's count the ways

that we're all very bitter,

these dark winter days.

So bitter was Steve, 

for he finished last.

It started quite poorly 

and went downhill fast.

With posts of pure rage, 

a fit did he pitch.

But nevertheless, 

he's still Auction Bitch.

So bitter was Jason, 

his team was quite boring,

then Kupp went down,

and so did his scoring.

After twelve weeks, 

he still had false hope.

After fifteen,

he felt like a dope.

So bitter was Maine,

way down in his joints,

he finished in eighth,

but scored the most points!

He lost by a little, 

he lost by a lot,

high scoring and low,

it all was for naught.

So bitter was Travis,

flying high in first place.

Six losses later, 

he tumbled from grace.

No repeat for him,

no pie in the sky,

missing out the playoffs, 

falling just one win shy.

So bitter was Rich,

never much in the game,

he set his sights lower,

jean shorts he did aim.

But alas he fell short,

with a finish of six,

So pants he must wear,

while turning his tricks.

So bitter was Brad,

in so many ways!

Ranting and raving,

for days upon days.

For a six-and-nine team,

he became quite the scold.

While first in his bracket,

he wasn't consoled.

So bitter was Frank,

in first for a while,

flamed out in the playoffs,

by a big country mile.

As is his wont, 

he's stayed mostly calm,

but one day he'll lose it,

and explode like a bomb.

So bitter was Sean,

one move from glory.

He lost in the semis,

in another man's story.

Though what could have been, 

he overachieved

He scored the least points, 

and shouldn't be peeved.

So bitter was Robby,

his luck was the worst.

On that fateful last night, 

two hearts didst burst.

Anything could have happened,

he'll just never know.

His hope of comeback,

wrought a tale of woe.

So bitter was Michael*,

though he won the whole thing.

But the way it went down,

has still got to sting.

He scratched and he clawed,

the best at the game.

An asterisk laid,

at the end of his name.  

Till next time, bitches.

- The Commish