Hi folks!
It’s your slacker commish here, finally picking up my quill
and scroll, and writing one of these damnable recaps. I meant to write something earlier, but I spent
all of September digesting meat, cheese, and 5000 pounds of hash browns from Draft
Weekend.
In the NFL, we got the Jets and Giants imploding faster than
the Mets and Yankees. (I heart New York!) The Lions are winning. (Goff for President!) The Commanders are mediocre (Now with 100%
less Snyder!) Nobody knows if Pittsburgh
is any good. (Blame Canada!) And – more on
this later – the Bengals are terrible for some unholy reason. (Fuck Joe Burrow
and his fucking family!)
Most importantly, the Dolphins are 3-1 and have packed more excitement
into 1 month than Dave Wannstedt did in 5 years.
But what’s happening around here? Let’s recap September with some Highlights
and Power Rankings….
In Week 1, everyone started slower than Maine running the 100-yd-dash, with nobody but Travis scoring more than 117 points. After his victory, Travis immediately started arguing with his wife about where in their house they were going to put the Chicken Bone Cup. Travis said he wanted the trophy on the mantle, while she said she wanted a divorce. He purposely lost the next week…. Also in the first week, Joe Burrow scored 2.24 points and your Commish lost by 13 points. But no doubt Burrow will be better…. in Week 2, where Maine lost to MFrank by 4 points while both Nick Chubb and Jamaal Williams went down with injuries. Maine vowed to pay his taxes in 2024, while knowing in his deepest heart of hearts that he never actually will... In other news, JCole beat MCole in the first brother brawl of the season. Joe Burrow threw 2 TDs, and the ship seemed righted, but then he aggravated his unholy golden calf late in the game. But it’ll be fiiiiiiiiine… Meanwhile, in a matchup of former “roommates”, Mazzle edged Steve…er…I mean to say, Mazzle beat Steve….wait. that’s not right….er…Mazzle finished ahead of Steve….oh no….ok….Mazzle was victorious over Steve in fantasy football in a non-platonic and completely consensual manner. Ahhhh…that’s better… Also in this week, Robby put up 149 points, thanks to Raheem “One Dollar” Mostert.” One Dollar!!! But we knew there would be no way Mostert could keep this up in…. in Week 3, where he totally kept it up. And fucking then some. The Dolphins put up 70(!) with Mostert scoring 41 fantasy points to carry Robby to a 13 point victory over the winless Steve. De'Von Achane also went buck wild for the Dolphins/Steve and notched 49(!) fantasy points, but alas, he was on Steve’s bench. That’s like the time Steve saw this incredibly hot girl at a party, and as she was sexily slinking over to him, he realized it was his first cousin Tabitha. Beautiful, but not doing him any good and definitely not scoring…. Meanwhile, your trusty Commish put up a juicy 144 points, which was the second most in the league that week. (Cue sad trombone noise…) Yep, Thong put up 146 to beat me by 2 points. But things were bound to get better…. in Week 4, where things got worse. Joe Burrow put up a grand total of 2.81 fucking points and Travis whooped up on me, thanks to 33 points from David Montgomery or possibly Devin Singletary. To make matters worse, Sausage and I went back and forth all weekend before deciding to swap Javonte Williams for Mike Evans. Both players proceeded to immediately get hurt in the first half of their respective games. Sometimes I think this is all just a fucking waste of time…. Meanwhile, it was officially Michael week, with both MFrank (167 pts) and MCole (179 pts) going nuts on Thong and Mazzle…. What will happen in Week 5!?! Stay tuned mothertruckers!!
SHITTY POWER RANKINGS
10. Sausage (0-4).
What a shit team. Full stop.
9. Maine (1-3). Also a shit team, but with 1 more win than
Sausage. Scratching and clawing.
8. Steve (1-3). A shit team, but got his first win and may
have gotten a steal with Achane.
7. Commish (1-3). The Bengals are shit. Joe Burrow can eat a bag of dicks.
6. Thong (2-2). Stars
and shit. Hebert, AJ Brown, Ken Walker and
a bunch of hurt/awful guys.
5. MFrank (3-1).
Smoke and mirrors and shit. Mahomes
is sus, Gibbs is demoted, and Wilson is Jet.
4. Mazzle (2-2). Potential
shit here, with Kamara back, Tutu a thing, and Kupp back soon.
3. Robby (4-0). Some
good shit. Cousins to Jefferson, Bijan
mustard, Chris Watson healthy, Mostert.
2. Falafel (3-1). Some really good shit. Tua, Tyreek – need we say more?
1. MCole (3-1). Some great
shit. Hurts good, CMC amazing, Kelce
swifty, J Taylor rising. Team to beat.
Until next time!
-The Commish
