10. Maine (2-6)
Davante Adams bottomed out last night with 1 catch on 7 targets on Monday Night Football, and Maine's team bottomed out with a loss to Robby. Losers of 3 of his last 4, Maine can't even blame bad luck this year, as he hasn't scored over 117 points all season. He spent $126 at Auction on Nick Chubb and Davante Adams, and the bloated remains of Aaron Jones.
It's not going well.
But there's still hope for his team, as I read on LinkedIn that, "Jermaine drives quality performance and instills confidence in those who work for and beside him. He doesn’t see barriers—he sees opportunities and he finds ways to make them happen. I’ve always been inspired by his vision, ideas, and intellect, motivating me to want to reach high and expand my own abilities, insights, and skills. Destined to be a leader may sound cliché, but it’s the truth with Jermaine and anyone who has the chance to work with him will agree."
With 2 wins in a row and the Bengals offense showing signs of life, I am trying to scratch and claw my way back into this thing. Or at least not finish as Auction Bitch. But I'm still ranked here below Sean for a couple reasons... a) That bald motherfucker beat my ass a couple weeks ago and b) I am apparently terrible at fantasy football. I don't know when this happened! I used to be good at this thing! I used to make the playoffs almost every year! What happened to me, man?!? Either I am past my fantasy prime, or Robby and I are involved in some sort of Freaky Friday body swap situation.
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| Guess the 1 week I started Sutton |
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| Guess the 1 week I didn't start Mixon |
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| Guess who I started at Flex in Week 8 - Smith or Mattison |
7. Sausage (2-6)
Speaking of shit shows, Sean is groping more than Lauren Boebert's date at a Beetlejuice show. And it might sorta kinda be working? He's won 2 out of 3 to climb out of the basement, and he put up a league high 154 points this past week. And he gets a floundering Maine in Week 9.
Meanwhile, as Movember is starting tomorrow, never forget the time Sean grew a Super Mario mustache:
5. Thong (4-4) and MFrank (4-4)
In the least surprising development of the year, the two most mediocre owners in our league are both 4-4. Let's take them one at a time....
Pretzel Boy has lost 3 out of 4, predictably regressing to the mean after a hot start. This week he got 2.89 points out of Patrick "Flu-Ridden" Mahomes, wasting a career game from Jahmyr "Jahmyr" Gibbs.
Side note, as a reply to my last recap and complaint about the league chat, MFrank wrote" It's both terrible and seemingly ranch." I don't know what "seemingly ranch" means, but it's been haunting my dreams!
Meanwhile, Thong Boy has won 2 out of 3, predictably regressing to the mean after a slow start. This week, he won thanks to AJ Brown going nuts on his beloved Washington Football Team, which must have been a confusing feeling for him, like when he used to climb the rope in gym class.
4. Mazzle (5-3)
What to make of Brad's team? He's scored between 111 and 124 points in every week after Week 1. So he's the very definition of above average, but there's not much ceiling here. He's kind of like the Jacksonville Jaguars this year. It's the kind of consistency that will probably get you into the playoffs, but nobody thinks you're going all the way. Or maybe he's like the Gators, who are also 5-3. Good enough to make a bowl game, but still getting their butts kicked by Georgia. Or maybe, he's like the Dallas Mavericks. Luka is great, but they underachieve because their owner is too busy on Shark Tank not buying squatty potties. Or just maybe, he's like the Minnesota Wild. Sure they're in 4th in the Central Division and might make the NHL playoffs, but there is still a lot of season to go, and their 3rd line is pretty suspect. Or maybe he's like a little league team but most of the kids are left handed so nobody really knows how to coach them and there's nobody that's capable of playing shortstop. Or maybe, he's like a Rubik's cube, but all of the squares are yellow and red. Better than usual chance of solving it, but it's still probably not happening. Or maybe he's like a salad bar in the middle of the desert, sure it seems like a good idea, but where did the lettuce come from? .....um...what was I talking about?
3. Robby (7-1)
Is this the best, most talented team? Nope
Is this the sexiest team? Nope
Is his best player in Justin Jefferson on IR? Yep
Is he thin at WR and TE? Yep
Did his only QB Kirk Cousins blow out his Achilles last night? Yep
Does any of that matter to Robby? Nope!
He. Just. Keeps. Winning.
He's 3rd in the power rankings, but first in the standings and first in our hearts.
2. Falafel (5-3)
Travis has all the goods and got a big win this week over MCole's* Mighty Moses, but still falls just short of the top ranking. Like Gabe Davis, there's just a little too much boom and bust going on here to overthrow the king. Last week he lost to Maine for fuck sake. Maine!
Speaking of Maine, "Jermaine leads by example and understands what it takes to drive performance and success, focusing on the essentials that create a strong, high-performing team without micromanaging the minutiae. He also has an incredible sense of humor, an encyclopedic mind, and a cheerful approach that breaks down barriers and builds trust."
I just don't get why this all isn't translating to fantasy football success?! Perhaps Maine could schedule a MS Teams meeting with Davante Adams, in order to better drive his performance. Perhaps put him on a performance improvement plan? Could that help?
1. MCole* (6-2)
The King of Fantasy Football. The man, the myth, the legend. It doesn't get better than this, my friends. He drafts amazingly, trades ruthlessly, uses the waiver wire savvily, and sets his lineup judiciously. Is there anything this man can't do? I just don't see how he can be stopped. Hopefully the trophy store near his house will have a discount for him, with all of the engraving he's going to be doing. We are all just loyal subjects in his kingdom, and we all bow down to The King of Fantasy Football.
Till next month....
Trick or Treat, Son of a Bitch!!
- The Commish
