Hi folks!
Hope everyone's Thanksgiving weekends were full of festivities, food, and football.
Is Thanksgiving the best holiday? There's an argument to be made. We here at the commissioners office watched the Dolphins, Hurricanes, and Cavaliers all lose. Our turkey was dry, we got hit in the face by a kite, and we got our ass kicked in pickleball.....and it was still an absolutely fantastic long weekend. That's just how good Thanksgiving is. It's the right amount of days off, the right amount of family quality and quantity, the best food, the best weather, and the most football.
But now let's turn our attention from turkey to Chicken.
We got 2 weeks of regular season action left and there's still a LOT left to be decided. The playoff race is closer than Maine's meaty thighs. With 5 bunched teams and only 4 spots, somebody is going be sorely disappointed in two weeks to be missing the playoffs with a record of 9-6.
Let's break it down, taking a birds-eye view of everyone's season....
#10. MCole (3-10)
Losers of 5 of 6, in dead last, and CMC lost - this is probably Michael Cole's absolute worst season in league history. This once proud champion may be the Auction Bitch if he doesn't scratch and claw these last two weeks. He's gonna need some help though, because....
#9. Stevie (4-9)
Steve is somehow one game up on MCole in the standings. After bottoming out at 0-8, Steve loudly and proudly declared that his new goal was to go 0-15 and never win again this season. In true Steve fashion, he immediately won 4 in a row! I know we are all rooting for him...but what are we even rooting for at this point?! For him to lose? For him to win? For there to be a new celebrity scandal so that he can change his name again? WHAT DOES STEVE WANT ANYMORE?! It's making my head hurt, and speaking of hurt...
#8. Thong (5-8)
Thong's season has gone severely butt hurt. (Maybe it's time to switch to boxer briefs.) What a mess. Thong started out 4-1, flew too close to the sun, got hit by a metric ton of regression, and proceeded to lose 7(!) in a row. Though with some talent on his team and a manifest destiny to make the consolation bracket, I would not want to be playing him these last two weeks. The only thing worse would be playing....
#7. Commish (8-5)
You can't score on my team. Not gonna do it. Na-Ga-Da-It.
Check out these Points Against:
1486.46
1522.64
1496.06
1511.33
1299.15
1516.77
1537.92
1539.17
1489.28
1544.88
Guess which one is me.
That is ridiculous.
And yet, I'm still only in 5th place.
I have assembled the largest collection of barely above average players in history, but not a lick better than that. I don't think I've optimized my lineup once this season because all of these dudes are the same. 7th in the power rankings is what I deserve. If there's one top-5 team that will miss the playoffs, this should be it.
Also, missing out will be....
#6. Robby (6-7)
Robby isn't going to make the playoffs, but he's having fun doing it. His team - much like the Dolphins - has been on a roller coaster ride all season. He literally scored 66 points in Week 10 and 181 points in Week 11. That's entertaining as shit.
Robby is playing Thong and MFrank these last 2 weeks, as all these guys just can't wait to get started with the consolation bracket. I think it's safe to start drinking now.
And speaking of someone who needs a drink badly....
#5. MFrank (6-7)
Wow, Mike Frank has got to be out of his mind. Looking at points scored, he's going to miss the playoffs with a team that's every bit as good as the top dogs.
Especially galling was a 0.05 point loss (86.06 - 86.11) to kamikaze Steve in Week 11. So many "What Ifs!" If Mike started another WR. If he started any other Tight End. If Nico Collins didn't have multiple catches nullified by penalty or replay on Monday Night Football. If his mom had sex with someone who had 0.05% better fantasy football DNA.
But hypothetical questions aren't gonna get him anywhere, unlike...
#4. Travis (8-5)
Now we come to the 4 teams that are going somewhere and vying for the championship this December. First up is Falafel, who has won 4 of 5 to climb back into contention. And it's no coincidence that Cooper Kupp came off the IR 6 weeks ago. He's got a pretty stacked group of guys, though he's pretty thin at RB behind Barkley.
But you know who's not thin? Travis's mom's got me on a pineapple diet so I taste better for her, but she's so fuckin' fat the extra sugar might cost her a foot.
Speaking of cost....
#3. Sausage (9-4)
In a late season coup, Sean just strategically spent 60 FAAB bucks on a Isaac Guerendo, the new 49ers Running back that we all unsuccessfully bid on. (Except Steve of course, who, as a reminder, blew his budget on a male porn star named Carson Steele.)
This seems like a smart move. But with Isaac Guerendo and Brock Purdy, is Sean now overcommitted to the 49ers struggling team? Could this end up being his downfall?
Probably not. He's in first place in the standings, with a 1 game lead on the four 8-5 teams. Baring a disaster, he's going to make the playoffs. Then anything could happen...
Like...
#2. Maine (8-5)
Maine could actually win this thing. He's been right atop the standings all season. He's got the necessary high-end talent in Chase and the Detroit running backs. He's got the depth. He's got the savvy. He's got the knowhow.
Counterpoint.....
Maine could actually miss the playoffs altogether. He has lost 3 of 5 and has slipped to 3rd place in the standings. He plays the positive regression monster that is Thong this week and plays the defensive juggernaut that is the Commish next week. Ladd McConkey's knee is "working through a couple things." Jakobi Meyers is Jakobi Meyers.
He could be in trouble.
Speaking of trouble, here comes....
#1. Mazzle (8-5)
Our new number one in the power rankings - Mazzle! He's won 6 of his last 7, putting up big numbers. Frankly, he looks unstoppable.
But you know what is stoppable? This post. We're done here.
Good luck everyone...we're all sorely gonna need it.
Cheers,
- Da Commish
