Hi folks,
First of all, let me get my self pity out of the way. I had a historic level of points against luck this season, and it just didn't fucking matter. For posterity:
1766.02
1740.08
1753.85
1751.73
1534.23
1796.27
1801.33
1783.76
1725.62
1820.43
That is ridiculous. But. It. Just. Didn't. Fucking. Matter. A mediocre draft, a season worth of horrific lineup decisions, and a top heavy league doomed me. 9-6 and missing the playoffs. It sucks, but I deserve what I got.
Note, that out of bitterness, I plan on defiling the Chicken Bone Cup in many many ways this holiday season. So - Mazzle, Maine, Sausage, or Falafel - enjoy your prize! But there will always be a part of you that will wonder what parts of me were all up in there.
Now that's out of the way, let's get to a playoff preview. As so often happens, there seems to be a headline matchup and an undercard. Let's break it down hard...
Tasty Undercard: Falafel vs. Sausage
This is a delectable matchup of playoff-worthy teams. Given Sean is the #1 seed and given the way Falafel has been skating by the past month, this seems like a mismatch at first glance. But let's take a closer look....
QB: Travis has Joe "Macaulay Culkin" Burrow cooking and playing home alone against a Cleveland team that's given up. The risk there is an early lead and Burrow not having to do much. Meanwhile, Sean has to choose between Anthony Richardson and Brock Purdy, neither of which inspire confidence and either of which could completely shit the bed. Edge: Falafel
RB: Travis has Saquon "Da fu?!" Barkley, who could put up 40 points on any given week by himself, especially a week where he gets to play against Washington's mediocre defense. Barkley can do anything man - he's the new Chuck Norris. But beyond that, it's a rough choice between a couple guys splitting time - Jalen Warren, Kareem Hunt - or something creative on the waiver wire. Not great. ... Sean - with Kamara and Mixon and Irving and Guerendo - has the far superior depth here. But if Kamara is really hurt and can't play, that lessens the advantage. Edge: Sausage
WR: It's a battle of Rams Wide Outs, with Kupp suiting up for Travis and Nacua suiting up for Sean. Kupp had a rare goose egg last week, so you know Stafford is gonna be looking his way early in this one. Beyond that, both of these teams are completely stacked (Sun God and JSN for Travis, CeeDee and BriTomJr. for Sean). Edge: Even
TE: Jonnuuuuuuuuuuuuu! He's been a pleasant surprise for both the Dolphins and Sean. Meanwhile, Mark Andrews has been maddingly inconsistent for Travis. Edge: Sausage
Miscellaneous: Sean is bald. Every time I do Travis's mom from behind it sounds like someone running in flip flops. Edge: Falafel
Bottom line - this should be a reeeeeeally close one. But I think due to superior QB play and Kupp bouncing back for Travis and a questionable Kamara for Sean, the upset pick is....
Falafel 132 - Sausage 128
Maine Event: Mazzle vs. Maine
Bradley has been tearing up this league for 2 months and is the favorite to win it all. Jermaine is looking for his first 'ship and is quite formidable in his own right. Let's go to the tale of the tape....
QB: Brad has Lamar Jackson, who has routinely been putting up video game numbers. But Lamar plays the Steelers this week, so expectations should be tempered. (Like tempered steel...get it?!) Maine has Jordan Love - a worse QB for sure; but he's got a a better matchup against the Saints. I'd still rather have Lamar though, wouldn't you? Edge: Mazzle
RB: David Montgomery went down for the count last week for Maine but that could end up being a wash if it just turns into a higher volume for Gibbs, who Maine also has. Behind that, Maine is still likely starting a Zach Chardonnet instead of a hurt Ken Walker. And after that, he's not nuthin'. .. Meanwhile, Brad is rolling out Bijan Robinson in a dream matchup at home against the Giants, a surging Rico Dowdle at home against a soft Bucs defense, and Chase Brown at home against a defeated Browns team. Edge: Mazzle
WR: Maine has Jakobi Myers, something named Ladd McConkey, and the inferior Marvin Harrison. It's not looking great here. But wait...is that Jamar Chase's music?! Chase can put up 40 points in any given week, but will this be one of those weeks? ... Brad's bunch is more talented on paper, but prone to inconsistency - never know what you're getting with Mooney and Flowers. Even their names are hippie names. But the Aaron Rodgers-Davante Adams is cooking like old times and gets the Rams lousy secondary at home. Edge: Even
TE: Brad has Kelce, Maine has Hock coming of an ACL. Cut and dry here. Edge: Mazzle
Miscellaneous: Maine is bald. Brad's mom is a very nice lady. Edge: Mazzle
Mazzle clearly has the upper hand in this heavyweight matchup. Maine is going to need big games from Chase and Gibbs and hope that the Steelers Defense can contain Jackson and Flowers. The prediction....
Mazzle 149 - Maine 118
Good luck to all and to all a good night! I'll be over here getting cozy with the Cup.
- The Commish
