So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish: 2025 Hardware, Records, and Year-End Awards

Merry New Year folks!

Thanks to everyone for another fine season of football, misery, and occasional triumph.  Adding the Superflex position to the league spiced things up, but not too much - sort of like a pinkie in the ass.  

So let's tie a festive bow around this sucker before the ball drops^ for the year....

HARDWARE

Congrats to Falafel for going back-to-back.

Congrats to Commish for making the playoffs and finishing as runner-up for the 5th time.  And if you combine that with his 5 total championships, that means in 24 years, he almost always talks about himself in the 3rd person.  

Congrats to Robby for for the 1 Seed in the playoffs and 3rd place overall.  Robby won an impressive league-record-tying 13 games overall, which if you combine with a nickel, will give him 5 cents.

Congrats to Mike Frank for - as always - regressing to the mean.  After a blistering 9-3 start, Pretzel Boy lost his last 3 regular season games and both his playoff games to finish with an overall 9-8 record and fulfilling his ultimate destiny.

Speaking of destiny... 

Congrats to Thong for winning the Jean Shorts!  If he isn't wearing them at the draft in 2026, we will all be sorely disappointed.

Congrats to Steve for reclaiming his rightful crown as Auction Bitch!  (But also beating MCole when it counted...)

Speaking of counting....let's check out the...

RECORD BOOK

In shocking news, the addition of the Superflex royally fucked our league record book harder than Meghan Markle on her wedding night.  

Robby tied 2021 Sausage for most wins (13) in a season.  

Steve tied 2021 Steve for most losses (13) in a season.  I'm sure Steve and Steve are both thrilled to share that record.

Everything else involved points (a.k.a. Sausage scoring a record 201.46 points in week 8), which - due to the aforementioned fucking of the record book - is pretty much meaningless now.  Check back with me in 5 years.

YEAR-END AWARDS

Best Team Name: Sackbuts, of course!

Worst Team Name: Just Plain Sausage.  Do better Sean.

Variable Team Name:  Steve, Travis (tie)

Best Draft Picks: Jaxon Smith-Njigba (Sean, $13), George Pickens (Falafel, $5)

Worst Draft Picks: Saquon Barkley (Commish, $45), Ashton Jeanty (Robby, $47)

Most drunken $27 Draft Picks: Steve 

Biggest meltdown:  For the first time ever, this award doesn't go to Steve.  Ironically it was caused by Steve.  MCole* lost his ever-loving shit in Week 13 after Steve picked up E. McPherson who proceeded to kick a league-record-tying 6 field goals on Thursday night. The craziest thing is that Steve thought he was actually picking up 80s supermodel Elle Macpherson.  He assumed it was some kind of Kathy Ireland in Necessary Roughness situation.  Regardless, we'll all remember where we were when MCole* lost his goddamned mind on the way to losing 6 in a row and missing the playoffs.  Were all of his team's injuries bad luck*?  Bad karma*?  There's no* way* of* knowing* why* these* things* happen*....

Baldest:  In an upset, Maine.  

Hairiest:  In an upset, Mazzle.

Only trade:

Jordan Addison  Min - WR  to  Coach Jimmy Johnson

Jaxson Dart NYG - QB  to  Sackbuts

C'mon people!  Make some more trades next season!  Trading is fun!  It's all a crapshoot!

Worst Luck:  Maine

Best Luck:  Points Against Maine

Mr. Irrelevant:  Thong.  Sure he won the Jean Shorts, but where has he been for the last 3 months?!  He still has $67 in his Free Agent budget for Richard-sake!!!  

Assistant Commissioner of the Year:  Maine, for subbing in with some prime word count.  Expect more of this next year, like when Al Roker slowly took over for Willard Scott.

Best use of AI:  Mazzle's draft

Worst non-use of AI: Mazzle's regular season management

Group Texter of the Year:  Gotta give this one to Steve-O!  He came on stronger than Jeffrey Epstein to a Quinceañera.  His text game was on point all year and his rebuttal to MCole was fantastic.  When you come at the king, you best not motherfucking miss.. 

So congrats to Steve, and really, congrats to everyone.  When it comes right down to it, we're all winners here.  Go fantasy football!!!  Yay!!!!!!!!

Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease,

- The Commish

^ By ball drop, I mean Mike Frank's old man testicles.

Maine's 2025 Playoff Preview: Winner Takes It All, Loser Takes the Fall

Hi folks, 

Since I have a conflict of interest as well as the usual laziness, I've outsourced the playoff preview to Maine, who - while whipping this up in record time - is apparently allergic to making any actual predictions. Enjoy everyone.... 

"Regular season is over. We don’t have to talk about it. Mistakes were made, lessons were learned, and all is forgiven. Let’s do the playoffs now. That part of the year where only four teams are playing and the rest of us are standing in a circle with masks on, quietly watching the action. 

(It’s weird the way you’re thinking of it. Knock it off.)

Time for team previews:

#4 - Coach Jimmy Johnson

Why Jason Might Win:

If Jahmyr Gibbs scores 70 points in a game, you’d be surprised, but not, like, very surprised. His ceiling is about 4 miles south of Halley’s Comet. And Jason was smart enough to play the Jacksonville defense, who, in the final five games of the season, will be playing against the cast of season two of Glee.

(Just drop Buffalo, Jason. You’re not starting them.)

At every position, this team has players that are capable of playing competent football, and if all goes right (like it did last weekend), this team can’t be beat.

Why Jason Might Lose:

This team made the playoffs on the back of an incredible performance by Trevor Lawrence, which is a sentence nobody has ever typed before and may never type again. In fact, the autocorrect function of this document underlined that sentence in red and is asking me if I’d like to replace several words.

Saquon Barkley has been hit and miss all year. Ken Walker has been miss and miss all year. Emeka Egbuka seems to have skipped town like he got caught stealing from a drug dealer in week 6. And Michael Wilson could see all of his targets vanish if Marvin Harrison Jr decides to go back to committing employment fraud by lacing them up on Sunday.

#3 - Sackbuts

Why Mike Might Win:

Mike’s team is young, baby. And filled with fresh legged guys who have something to prove. Would you be surprised if Jaxson Dart ran for 200 yards next weekend? Don’t Omarion Hampton and Kyle Monangai feel like dudes who know that if they don’t kick some ass these next two weeks, they could lose their jobs to the Breece Halls of the world? You think Quinton Judkins doesn’t know that the only way to avoid prosecution for his crimes is to be talented and entertaining enough for the world to decide to look the other way?

Also, don’t say anything, but Devon Achane hasn’t played a single bad game all year, despite him having every single reason to be terrible right now. Death, taxes and Achane - that’s the three. 

Why Mike Might Lose:

Jerry Jeudy is the only football player in the history of the league that you need an oncologist to get rid of. And the rest of the roster has some iffy holes in it. If Drake London doesn’t come roaring back, Mike’s gonna have to make some deals with the devil.

Also, who’s ready for more hot sackbut conversation? 

The sackbut differs from the trombone largely because of the timbre of the sound it produces. Its tone is more akin to a human singing than to a brass instrument. And according to the AI that I was having this discussion with, the singing tone that most closely emulates the sackbut is Leonard Cohen’s, specifically on the You Want it Darker album.

Not sure if you listened to that album, but it’s pretty good. Especially the opening eponymous title song. Leonard’s voice is more gravelly than usual and it kinda serves as a funeral dirge because that was the last thing he recorded before he died a few years ago. So… if patterns hold, Mike’s sackbut could be singing its own requiem this weekend.

Yes, this was about football.

#2 - Whatever Travis is Calling Himself This Week

Why Travis Might Win:

Fun fact - this is the first sentence of this preview that Travis has read. This will be the second.

Last weekend, Puka Nacua got injured on the field and fell to the ground holding his knee. Went to the sidelines to get checked out. Maybe one drive later, he was back on the field making catches. And I guess the question is… do we know for sure that his dad isn’t Adrian Peterson? There doesn’t seem to be a way to stop this man, including calamitous injury. 

McCaffrey, Taylor, McBride, and Nacua have basically been four fifths of Voltron this season. All Travis needs is for everything to go as expected and he’s going to walk into the championship. Any other outcome would actually be weird.

Why Travis Might Lose:

Weird shit happens. Also, here’s some fun stuff to think about. Rashee Rice doesn’t have Mahomes. Nacua is playing on a short week in cold, rainy ass Seattle. George Pickens must be hanging out with Emeka Egbuka on his off days. Aaron Rodgers has one hand. Phil Rivers is about 3 weeks from becoming a poltergeist. Rome Odunze’s parents are apparently tied up in a mobster’s basement somewhere and have been for weeks. And the New England defence is going to be facing Baltimore, who I promise you wants to prove something to themselves next week.

Plus, four of his starters don’t play until Monday. If there’s a late scratch injury, there’s no way to recover.

#1 - Additional William

Why Robby Might Win:

Because that’s all this motherfucker does! Have you seen this team this season? Anything that needs to go right does. Anything that can happen to strike down his opponent happens. This is a bonafide team of destiny.

(putting on my Cris Collinsworth suit)

And you can talk about a guy like Josh Allen, look, all he does is make the right play every time. Two weeks ago, he literally threw the best pass I’ve ever seen a QB throw in my life and it didn’t even seem hard for him. He just makes play after play and then you look at guys like Bijan and Goff and you say it’s just been a hell of a season. 

(taking off that suit and rinsing with mouthwash)

Why Robby Might Lose:

Davante seems to have torn his left ass last weekend. Pittman is staring down the barrel of Phil Rivers. Ashton Jeanty shit the bed more times this season than a nursing home resident with IBS. Jaylen Waddle remains a Dolphin. And Rhamondre Stevenson probably lost his job this past weekend. The ranks are getting thin over here.

# 5 - 10 - The Rest of Us

What We Won’t Do:

Give a shit. Correct our ways and make improvements next season. Set lineups, frankly.

What We Will Do:

Insult and aggrieve. Antagonize and deflect. Convince ourselves that next time will be better."

- The Commish

Don't Scream About, Don't Think Aloud: December Playoff Scenarios

Ho ho ho folks,

It’s that most wonderful time of the year!   That time of the year where there’s a nip in the air and in Steve’s eggnog.  That time of the year where we hang up our tinsel and wreaths, decorate our Christmas tree, then remember that we’re Jewish and tear that all down and put up Hannukah lights.  That time of year when we all remember the true meaning of the holidays, a sacrosanct occasion full of deeply religious importance – namely, playoff football.

We’re cruising into the last week of the regular season, and there’s never been more excitement in the league.  Unless you count every other season.   This season is the equivalent of watching 3 coats of paint dry while the 4^th coat of dried up grey paint tries to find their spirit color in the magical unicorn forest of trying to make the goddamn playoffs. 

The top three playoff spots have been locked up since the Truman administration.  And as of this week, the exact seeding for those spots is also set:

#1 Seed: Additional William (nee Extra Billy).  Robby’s team has won 6 in a row and sits atop the standings with a gaudy 12-2.   He’s won more games this season than jury trials in his lifetime.  And he’s a Florida attorney.  With nothing at all to play for this last week, my best advice to Robby is to rest all his starters to make sure nobody gets hurt.  You can’t be too careful!

 

#2 Seed: Whatever the hell Travis’s name is this week.  Scoring 2000 points after adding a Superflex position is like the Warriors winning the title after adding Kevin Duran in his prime, so maybe take it down a notch on the bragging.  But asking Travis to take it down a notch on the bragging is like asking Sydney Sweeney to take it down a notch on the tits.  Not going to happen, and we wouldn’t want it any other way.   In the first round of the playoffs, he’ll be facing off against….

 

#3 Seed: Sackbuts (a.k.a. Michael Seth Frank).  So, I looked up the specific definition, and a sackbut is an early form of the trombone used during the Renaissance and Baroque eras. A sackbut has the characteristic telescopic slide of a trombone.  To the casual observer, they look the same. However, the sackbut has a smaller bore and a smaller, less-flared bell. These two subtle differences give the sackbut it's softer, mellow sound.  Mike Frank’s team name specifically comes from the – underrated in my opinion - Coen Brothers movie “The Ladykillers.”   During one scene in this movie, Marlon Wayans is trying to explain why one of the would-be robbers and fake musicians is sweaty, holding said instrument after pretending to play it but in actuality digging a tunnel.   The gist of this explanation is that the man is so good at enthusiastically playing that "He can blow the sackbut like it was some pussy!"  So, all of that is to say – if Mike Frank can somehow beat Travis in the playoffs, he will forever be known heroically in this league as “blowing the sackbut like it was some pussy.”  Thank you.

 

Now…..the so-called “contenders” for the #4 Seed that nobody really wants based on how they are actually choosing to play fantasy football with the alleged goal of winning:

Coach Jimmy Johnson (a.k.a. The Commish).  At 7-7 and precariously holding the 4 seed, he has less business being involved in the league this year than Seth does.  He’s made 39 roster moves this year and 3.5 of them have been quite good.  He hates everyone on Giants and the Vikings and also Matthew Golden, who is not a member of the tribe despite his name.  

 
Playoff Scenario: Beat Robby and he’s in (and would play Robby again in the first round).  Lose and he needs yet another loss from Michael Cole and potentially a loss from Sean as well.   I know what you’re thinking…. Sean can still make the playoffs?  Sean?  Sean?  The bald “Pickles at Hannukah” guy?  That guy?  Yep, that’s right.  Read on for details, but first….

 
Good is Dumb (a.k.a. Michael Cole).  Also at 7-7, Michael has lost – checks notes – five games in a row!   He should be feeling great right now, actually still having a shot at the playoffs after that run.  I’m sure he is no doubt looking on the positive side of things.

Playoff Scenario: This one is simpler than Forrest Gump with a lobotomy - he’s in with a win over Thong and a Commish loss.  Lose and he’s out. 

 
Just Plain Sausage (a.k.a. Garo Yepremian).  One game behind, currently at 6-8, Sean was left for dead a few weeks ago.  He’s alternated wins and losses since week 7, but apparently he’s hung around - like Duke in the ACC – long enough to still be in contention for the nightmare scenario.  In the case of our league, said nightmare would be a 7-8 team making the playoffs for no good reason whatsoever. 

Playoff Scenario: Sean needs to win and get help.  The win – over Steve – should be the easy part.  But then he also needs both Cole Bros to lose and also to outscore Commish by 14 points.  This all actually seems very doable. 

 
Fight Fire with Fire (a.k.a. Mazzle).  Mathematically alive but essentially eliminated, Bradley is 6-8 but would need a win, 2 Cole losses, and to outscore Commish by 87 points.  This all seems highly unlikely.  He’s lost 4 in a row and deserves no more words about him.

Thong Eras Tour (a.k.a. Richard, a.k.a. “Tricky Dick”).  Mathematically alive but hilariously eliminated, Rich is 6-8 but would need a win, 2 Cole losses, and to outscore Commish by 199 points.  That is like a lot of points man.  Like too many points.  Rich is now just trying to wear those sexy sexy jean shorts.

 

Bringing up the rear in the actually mathematically eliminated category we have….

Diddy’s Bacon Oil (a.k.a. Maine).  Sure, he’s in 9^th place with a 5-9 record and has a bajillion points scored against him every week.  But this guy is still showing up.  He’s won 2 in a row, is throwing haymakers on the text chain, and generally building momentum for next season.  Either that or he’s just desperately trying to save his job like Mike McDaniel.  

Pretty Young Thing (a.k.a. Steve). Sure, he’s in 10^th place with a 2-12 record, and has reclaimed his rightful place as Auction Bitch.  And he would have been fired faster than Billy Napier if that was possible.  But he’s still coming to play and will no doubt be bringing his A-game this week against Sean.  If not for his own sake, then for all of the overworked and downtrodden Fantasy Football Commissioners of America who are pulling for him.  Think of the children!!!

 

Good luck to all and to all a good night,

-          The Commish