Ho ho ho folks,
It’s that most wonderful time of the year! That
time of the year where there’s a nip in the air and in Steve’s eggnog. That time of the year where we hang up our
tinsel and wreaths, decorate our Christmas tree, then remember that we’re
Jewish and tear that all down and put up Hannukah lights. That time of year when we all remember the
true meaning of the holidays, a sacrosanct occasion full of deeply religious
importance – namely, playoff football.
We’re cruising into the last week of the regular season, and
there’s never been more excitement in the league. Unless you count every other season. This
season is the equivalent of watching 3 coats of paint dry while the 4th
coat of dried up grey paint tries to find their spirit color in the magical
unicorn forest of trying to make the goddamn playoffs.
The top three playoff spots have been locked up since the
Truman administration. And as of this
week, the exact seeding for those spots is also set:
#1 Seed: Additional William (nee Extra Billy). Robby’s team has won 6 in a row and sits atop the standings with a gaudy 12-2. He’s won more games this season than jury trials in his lifetime. And he’s a Florida attorney. With nothing at all to play for this last week, my best advice to Robby is to rest all his starters to make sure nobody gets hurt. You can’t be too careful!
#2 Seed: Whatever the hell Travis’s name is
this week. Scoring 2000 points
after adding a Superflex position is like the Warriors winning the title after adding
Kevin Duran in his prime, so maybe take it down a notch on the bragging. But asking Travis to take it down a notch on
the bragging is like asking Sydney Sweeney to take it down a notch on the tits. Not going to happen, and we wouldn’t want it
any other way. In the first round of the playoffs, he’ll be
facing off against….
#3 Seed: Sackbuts (a.k.a. Michael Seth Frank). So, I looked up the specific definition, and a
sackbut is an early form of the trombone used during the Renaissance and
Baroque eras. A sackbut has the characteristic telescopic slide of a trombone. To the casual observer, they look the same.
However, the sackbut has a smaller bore and a smaller, less-flared bell. These
two subtle differences give the sackbut it's softer, mellow sound. Mike Frank’s team name specifically comes
from the – underrated in my opinion - Coen Brothers movie “The Ladykillers.” During
one scene in this movie, Marlon Wayans is trying to explain why one of the
would-be robbers and fake musicians is sweaty, holding said instrument after
pretending to play it but in actuality digging a tunnel. The
gist of this explanation is that the man is so good at enthusiastically playing
that "He can blow the sackbut like it was some pussy!" So, all of that is to say – if Mike Frank can
somehow beat Travis in the playoffs, he will forever be known heroically in
this league as “blowing the sackbut like it was some pussy.” Thank you.
Now…..the so-called “contenders” for the #4 Seed that
nobody really wants based on how they are actually choosing to play fantasy football
with the alleged goal of winning:
Coach Jimmy Johnson (a.k.a. The Commish). At 7-7 and precariously holding the 4 seed, he has less business being involved in the league this year than Seth does. He’s made 39 roster moves this year and 3.5 of them have been quite good. He hates everyone on Giants and the Vikings and also Matthew Golden, who is not a member of the tribe despite his name.
Playoff Scenario: Beat Robby and he’s in (and would play Robby again in the first round). Lose and he needs yet another loss from Michael Cole and potentially a loss from Sean as well. I know what you’re thinking…. Sean can still make the playoffs? Sean? Sean? The bald “Pickles at Hannukah” guy? That guy? Yep, that’s right. Read on for details, but first….
Good is Dumb (a.k.a. Michael Cole). Also at 7-7, Michael has lost – checks notes – five games in a row! He should be feeling great right now, actually still having a shot at the playoffs after that run. I’m sure he is no doubt looking on the positive side of things.
Playoff Scenario: This one is simpler than Forrest Gump with a lobotomy - he’s in with a win over Thong and a Commish loss. Lose and he’s out.
Just Plain Sausage (a.k.a. Garo Yepremian). One game behind, currently at 6-8, Sean was left for dead a few weeks ago. He’s alternated wins and losses since week 7, but apparently he’s hung around - like Duke in the ACC – long enough to still be in contention for the nightmare scenario. In the case of our league, said nightmare would be a 7-8 team making the playoffs for no good reason whatsoever.
Fight Fire with Fire (a.k.a. Mazzle). Mathematically alive but essentially eliminated, Bradley is 6-8 but would need a win, 2 Cole losses, and to outscore Commish by 87 points. This all seems highly unlikely. He’s lost 4 in a row and deserves no more words about him.
Thong Eras Tour (a.k.a. Richard, a.k.a. “Tricky Dick”). Mathematically alive but hilariously eliminated, Rich is 6-8 but would need a win, 2 Cole losses, and to outscore Commish by 199 points. That is like a lot of points man. Like too many points. Rich is now just trying to wear those sexy sexy jean shorts.
Bringing up the rear in the actually mathematically
eliminated category we have….
Diddy’s Bacon Oil (a.k.a. Maine). Sure, he’s in 9th place with a 5-9
record and has a bajillion points scored against him every week. But this guy is still showing up. He’s won 2 in a row, is throwing haymakers on
the text chain, and generally building momentum for next season. Either that or he’s just desperately trying
to save his job like Mike McDaniel.
Pretty Young Thing (a.k.a. Steve). Sure, he’s in 10th
place with a 2-12 record, and has reclaimed his rightful place as Auction
Bitch. And he would have been fired
faster than Billy Napier if that was possible.
But he’s still coming to play and will no doubt be bringing his A-game
this week against Sean. If not for his own
sake, then for all of the overworked and downtrodden Fantasy Football Commissioners
of America who are pulling for him. Think of the children!!!
Good luck to all and to all a good night,
-
The Commish
