Merry New Year folks!
Thanks to everyone for another fine season of football, misery, and occasional triumph. Adding the Superflex position to the league spiced things up, but not too much - sort of like a pinkie in the ass.
So let's tie a festive bow around this sucker before the ball drops^ for the year....
HARDWARE
Congrats to Falafel for going back-to-back.
Congrats to Commish for making the playoffs and finishing as runner-up for the 5th time. And if you combine that with his 5 total championships, that means in 24 years, he almost always talks about himself in the 3rd person.
Congrats to Robby for for the 1 Seed in the playoffs and 3rd place overall. Robby won an impressive league-record-tying 13 games overall, which if you combine with a nickel, will give him 5 cents.
Congrats to Mike Frank for - as always - regressing to the mean. After a blistering 9-3 start, Pretzel Boy lost his last 3 regular season games and both his playoff games to finish with an overall 9-8 record and fulfilling his ultimate destiny.
Speaking of destiny...
Congrats to Thong for winning the Jean Shorts! If he isn't wearing them at the draft in 2026, we will all be sorely disappointed.
Congrats to Steve for reclaiming his rightful crown as Auction Bitch! (But also beating MCole when it counted...)
Speaking of counting....let's check out the...
RECORD BOOK
In shocking news, the addition of the Superflex royally fucked our league record book harder than Meghan Markle on her wedding night.
Robby tied 2021 Sausage for most wins (13) in a season.
Steve tied 2021 Steve for most losses (13) in a season. I'm sure Steve and Steve are both thrilled to share that record.
Everything else involved points (a.k.a. Sausage scoring a record 201.46 points in week 8), which - due to the aforementioned fucking of the record book - is pretty much meaningless now. Check back with me in 5 years.
YEAR-END AWARDS
Best Team Name: Sackbuts, of course!
Worst Team Name: Just Plain Sausage. Do better Sean.
Variable Team Name: Steve, Travis (tie)
Best Draft Picks: Jaxon Smith-Njigba (Sean, $13), George Pickens (Falafel, $5)
Worst Draft Picks: Saquon Barkley (Commish, $45), Ashton Jeanty (Robby, $47)
Most drunken $27 Draft Picks: Steve
Biggest meltdown: For the first time ever, this award doesn't go to Steve. Ironically it was caused by Steve. MCole* lost his ever-loving shit in Week 13 after Steve picked up E. McPherson who proceeded to kick a league-record-tying 6 field goals on Thursday night. The craziest thing is that Steve thought he was actually picking up 80s supermodel Elle Macpherson. He assumed it was some kind of Kathy Ireland in Necessary Roughness situation. Regardless, we'll all remember where we were when MCole* lost his goddamned mind on the way to losing 6 in a row and missing the playoffs. Were all of his team's injuries bad luck*? Bad karma*? There's no* way* of* knowing* why* these* things* happen*....
Baldest: In an upset, Maine.
Hairiest: In an upset, Mazzle.
Only trade:
Jordan Addison Min - WR to Coach Jimmy Johnson
Jaxson Dart NYG - QB to Sackbuts
C'mon people! Make some more trades next season! Trading is fun! It's all a crapshoot!
Worst Luck: Maine
Best Luck: Points Against Maine
Mr. Irrelevant: Thong. Sure he won the Jean Shorts, but where has he been for the last 3 months?! He still has $67 in his Free Agent budget for Richard-sake!!!
Assistant Commissioner of the Year: Maine, for subbing in with some prime word count. Expect more of this next year, like when Al Roker slowly took over for Willard Scott.
Best use of AI: Mazzle's draft
Worst non-use of AI: Mazzle's regular season management
Group Texter of the Year: Gotta give this one to Steve-O! He came on stronger than Jeffrey Epstein to a Quinceañera. His text game was on point all year and his rebuttal to MCole was fantastic. When you come at the king, you best not motherfucking miss..
So congrats to Steve, and really, congrats to everyone. When it comes right down to it, we're all winners here. Go fantasy football!!! Yay!!!!!!!!
Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease,
- The Commish
^ By ball drop, I mean Mike Frank's old man testicles.
