Hi folks,
Time for team previews:
#4 - Coach Jimmy Johnson
Why Jason Might Win:
If Jahmyr Gibbs scores 70 points in a game, you’d be surprised, but not, like, very surprised. His ceiling is about 4 miles south of Halley’s Comet. And Jason was smart enough to play the Jacksonville defense, who, in the final five games of the season, will be playing against the cast of season two of Glee.
(Just drop Buffalo, Jason. You’re not starting them.)
At every position, this team has players that are capable of playing competent football, and if all goes right (like it did last weekend), this team can’t be beat.
Why Jason Might Lose:
This team made the playoffs on the back of an incredible performance by Trevor Lawrence, which is a sentence nobody has ever typed before and may never type again. In fact, the autocorrect function of this document underlined that sentence in red and is asking me if I’d like to replace several words.
Saquon Barkley has been hit and miss all year. Ken Walker has been miss and miss all year. Emeka Egbuka seems to have skipped town like he got caught stealing from a drug dealer in week 6. And Michael Wilson could see all of his targets vanish if Marvin Harrison Jr decides to go back to committing employment fraud by lacing them up on Sunday.
#3 - Sackbuts
Why Mike Might Win:
Mike’s team is young, baby. And filled with fresh legged guys who have something to prove. Would you be surprised if Jaxson Dart ran for 200 yards next weekend? Don’t Omarion Hampton and Kyle Monangai feel like dudes who know that if they don’t kick some ass these next two weeks, they could lose their jobs to the Breece Halls of the world? You think Quinton Judkins doesn’t know that the only way to avoid prosecution for his crimes is to be talented and entertaining enough for the world to decide to look the other way?
Also, don’t say anything, but Devon Achane hasn’t played a single bad game all year, despite him having every single reason to be terrible right now. Death, taxes and Achane - that’s the three.
Why Mike Might Lose:
Jerry Jeudy is the only football player in the history of the league that you need an oncologist to get rid of. And the rest of the roster has some iffy holes in it. If Drake London doesn’t come roaring back, Mike’s gonna have to make some deals with the devil.
Also, who’s ready for more hot sackbut conversation?
The sackbut differs from the trombone largely because of the timbre of the sound it produces. Its tone is more akin to a human singing than to a brass instrument. And according to the AI that I was having this discussion with, the singing tone that most closely emulates the sackbut is Leonard Cohen’s, specifically on the You Want it Darker album.
Not sure if you listened to that album, but it’s pretty good. Especially the opening eponymous title song. Leonard’s voice is more gravelly than usual and it kinda serves as a funeral dirge because that was the last thing he recorded before he died a few years ago. So… if patterns hold, Mike’s sackbut could be singing its own requiem this weekend.
Yes, this was about football.
#2 - Whatever Travis is Calling Himself This Week
Why Travis Might Win:
Fun fact - this is the first sentence of this preview that Travis has read. This will be the second.
Last weekend, Puka Nacua got injured on the field and fell to the ground holding his knee. Went to the sidelines to get checked out. Maybe one drive later, he was back on the field making catches. And I guess the question is… do we know for sure that his dad isn’t Adrian Peterson? There doesn’t seem to be a way to stop this man, including calamitous injury.
McCaffrey, Taylor, McBride, and Nacua have basically been four fifths of Voltron this season. All Travis needs is for everything to go as expected and he’s going to walk into the championship. Any other outcome would actually be weird.
Why Travis Might Lose:
Weird shit happens. Also, here’s some fun stuff to think about. Rashee Rice doesn’t have Mahomes. Nacua is playing on a short week in cold, rainy ass Seattle. George Pickens must be hanging out with Emeka Egbuka on his off days. Aaron Rodgers has one hand. Phil Rivers is about 3 weeks from becoming a poltergeist. Rome Odunze’s parents are apparently tied up in a mobster’s basement somewhere and have been for weeks. And the New England defence is going to be facing Baltimore, who I promise you wants to prove something to themselves next week.
Plus, four of his starters don’t play until Monday. If there’s a late scratch injury, there’s no way to recover.
#1 - Additional William
Why Robby Might Win:
Because that’s all this motherfucker does! Have you seen this team this season? Anything that needs to go right does. Anything that can happen to strike down his opponent happens. This is a bonafide team of destiny.
(putting on my Cris Collinsworth suit)
And you can talk about a guy like Josh Allen, look, all he does is make the right play every time. Two weeks ago, he literally threw the best pass I’ve ever seen a QB throw in my life and it didn’t even seem hard for him. He just makes play after play and then you look at guys like Bijan and Goff and you say it’s just been a hell of a season.
(taking off that suit and rinsing with mouthwash)
Why Robby Might Lose:
Davante seems to have torn his left ass last weekend. Pittman is staring down the barrel of Phil Rivers. Ashton Jeanty shit the bed more times this season than a nursing home resident with IBS. Jaylen Waddle remains a Dolphin. And Rhamondre Stevenson probably lost his job this past weekend. The ranks are getting thin over here.
# 5 - 10 - The Rest of Us
What We Won’t Do:
Give a shit. Correct our ways and make improvements next season. Set lineups, frankly.
What We Will Do:
Insult and aggrieve. Antagonize and deflect. Convince ourselves that next time will be better."
- The Commish
