“So you're telling me there's a chance...” – Lloyd Christmas, Dumb and Dumber
Hi Folks,
The leaves are a-changing, the Dolphins got their first
(only?) win of the season, and false hope is spreading like wildfire round
these parts. Unless your last name has way
too many Zs in it, you are still very much in the playoff hunt. But it doesn’t matter where you are in the
standings, it only matters what’s in your heart. (Psych! What really matters is where you are in these
ever important Power Rankings! Also, your
penis size.)
Anyhoo, given that your trusty Commish has somehow won four
in a row despite having a terrible team, I’ll put a hair’s more effort into this
post and highlight one make-or-break player for every team (based on my gut,
and not any actual research.) I’ll also let you know whether you went up, down,
or sideways from the last Power Rankings.
Here we go…..
10. Mazzle (down 1)
Brad should have taken my offer to split the Auction Bitch
duties. The worst team in the league by
far, with the least points scored, and the second most points scored against him. His
star QB (Lamar Jackson) is likely out for the season. His wife left him, his children hate him, and
his dog contracted rabies.
Make or break player: Well, he just spent $41 on Gardner Minshew! Better be worth it.
9. Commish (up 1)
Sure, it’s nice to be in 3rd place. And Drake Maye has started to look like Drake
Maye. But nobody thinks this is
real. We’re still down a RB and two WRs to injuries. And we
are still thin at QB. Also, a lot of
times, when we are watching Sunday Ticket on YouTube TV (sharing our brother’s
account), it kicks us off, telling us we have exceeded our number of allotted
streams, even though our brother allegedly has unlimited streams on the subscription,
so we have to go out of the app and then go back into the app and then we can resume
the game and it’s really annoying so that’s why our fantasy team is probably
underachieving.
Make or break player: Get it together Jaylen Waddle! The
Denver offense has been pretty whack so far and so has Waddle. Looking for a penguin rebound.
8. Steve (down 2)
Steve was salty and said some not very nice things about the
Atlanta Braves when I had him at 6 in the power rankings last time (despite
being 2nd in the standings), and a month later we find him…checks
notes… in 6th place in the standings. DO NOT TAUNT THE POWER RANKINGS!!! This time around, he has dropped to 8th
here, because he has $3 left in his Waiver Budget and because he can’t manage a
roster without stepping on his own dick.
Make or break player: Cam Skattebo! Like Steve and the
Giants, that dude is a wild card. You
never know what you’re gonna get.
7. Bacon (sideways)
Maine only has the 3rd most points scored
against him in the league, which counts as improvement. In
other news, he is either happy or annoyed that the Smashing Pumpkins made the Consequence
of Sound website’s 100 greatest bands of all time…coming in at…..#100! Is that an honor or a slap in the face? I’ll let him weigh in.
Other Notables:
Van Halen - #64
R.E.M. - #36
Metallica - #17
Pink Floyd - #14
Make or break player: Ladd McConkey. On a terrible offense and his last name
rhymes with Donkey.
6. MFrank (up 2)
This is a higher ranking than a team with the 2nd
least points scored would belie.
However, Mike is predictably 4-4, and we know from history that he is
guaranteed to finish either 8-7 or 7-8.
Given that his team is kinda sus, it will likely be 7-8, having him miss
the playoffs and finish in 6th pace.
I’m frankly (see what I did there), not even sure why he needs to keep playing. He should just click the roster autopilot
button, sit back with a Hazy IPA, and accept his fate.
Make or break player:
(tie) Kyler Murray/Justin
Jefferson. As the Minny offense goes, so
does MFrank’s fortunes.
5. MCole* (down 1)
I dunno man. This
seems about right. I’m running out of
steam here. Also getting hungry. Is it lunch time yet?
Make or break player: Josh Jacobs. Will the performance from the Packers’ RB1 outweigh
the bad karma from trading for a scumbag?
4. Thong (up 1)
This boy has been on a heater, winning his last 3 in a row
and moving into 2nd place. In a twist of fate, and despite his draft preference,
Thong has cut Brian Thomas Jr. but STILL HAS Brian Robinson Jr. on his
team! And this is why he’s only in 4th in
the almighty Power Rankings.
Make or break player: It’s gotta be Jonathan
Taylor. Will he be traded to a great offense
soon or languish on the awful Colts? #analysis
3. Falafel (down 1)
With the most points scored in the league, the champ is still
champing at the bit. He’s definitely not
panicking over his (on paper) actually mediocre team. And he’s definitely not worried that all
those overachieving points have only led to a 4-4 record. And he’s definitely not scrambling to pick up
players from the sparse waiver wire every week in a futile attempt to extend
his fleeting glory. Nope, it’s all good
here.
Make or break player: Mike Evans. Can he get/stay healthy? He old.
2. Sausage (up 1)
Sean moves into the number 2 spot here, putting up two big
scoring and winning weeks in a row. He’s
in the thick of it like everyone else. Speaking
of the thick of it, can you authentically call your team Big Sausage Pizza if
you keep kosher in real life? Do you
need to watch extra porn to make up for that?
Is Sean “up” to that challenge? I think we don’t know the answer to any of
these questions and also let us not ever speak of it again.
Make or break player:
Ashton Jeanty. The Raiders’ RB situation is super weird
right now.
1. Extra Billy (fucked
sideways)
Man, congrats to Robby. I can’t believe he’s still undefeated. Everyone thought that after bragging so hard about his team and angering the fantasy gods, that he’d immediately start losing. But nope, he’s still in first place and has by far the best team in the league. Simply the best! I can’t envision a single other outcome for him other than winning the Chicken Bone Cup.
Make or break player:
None. Robby is unstoppable.
That’s all folks.
#respectthepowerrankings
- The Commish
