Week 9 Recap

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Howdy folks,

Your trusty Commish here throwing it back with a traditional recap of Week 9's results.  And in a week where hope abounds, there's optimism to be found for each and every one of you miscreants.  Let's do it.. 

Dominus Dingus  97.17
Thongdemic 126.24

In the battle of the alleged top two fantasy teams in the country, this wasn't even close.  Thong left the door open, but I couldn't overcome the loss of Justin Jackson on the first play of the game and Tom Brady somehow getting possessed by the ghost of Ryan Leaf.   But I'm still in first place, and odds would say I'm bound to have a healthy team one of these days.  And Thong has a stranglehold on second place that's even stronger than the one he used to kill that hooker in '97.  #LetThongCook  

BACON-19         121.59
Master of Puppets 96.14

In a key matchup of 4-4 teams, Maine gets off the mini-schneid with a nice win over Mazzle thanks to the unreal Kyler Murray.  There's nothing else especially interesting to say about that win, so I'll take this opportunity to note that Maine's a nice guy and pays his taxes and really deserves to make the playoffs.  And now in 4th place, he's got a great chance to do just that.  Meanwhile, The Marvelous Mr. Mazzle is still in striking distance, and has Aaron Jones back and healthy, Mark Andrews due for a breakout, and Joe Mixon coming back as well.  He also has the Miami Defense, which is apparently awesome now somehow.   Mazzle just has to become a nice guy and start paying his taxes, and he's in great shape for the rest of the season.

Falafel Fantasy Team 93.03
Snausages 113.33

Speaking of great shape, how bout that Sausage King!  He's won 4 of his last 5 games and has squeezed firmly into the sausage casing that is 3rd place.   This week it was a relatively easy win over Falafel, thanks to Sherlock Mahomes and Keenan Watson Allen.  ... On the flip side, what the hell is Travis even doing over there?  This is a guy who is carrying two kickers, with one of them being Harrison Butker, who he left on his bench.  He's in 9th place and lost a bajillion in a row!  He can't afford to do shit like that!  BUT, on the positive side, he isn't in last place, so he still has a legit shot to not be Auction Bitch.  (Side note: Travis would most definitely put the "bitch" in Auction Bitch.  He'd complain more than Mike Cole does on a random Thursday.)

Extra Billy 152.11
Wolf Nipple Chips 143.06

In the shootout of the week, Robby found a little extra in the tank to edge his 2nd favorite cousin in the league named Mike.  Once again led by the Adams/Rodgers combo, Robby also got contributions from across the board.  This is a team that is definitely making some noise down the stretch.  And the fun just kept coming for Robby over the weekend, with not one, but TWO Tagovailoa brothers leading his favorite football teams to victories.  It's a great time to be Robby! (which is a sentence I never thought I'd write, but here we are...). .. Meanwhile, Mike Cole is still in the thick of things with a really good team and the 2nd most points scored in the league.  Chin up bro!

#Pencefly 84.01
The Kitchen Brothers 82.03

This one came down to Monday Night and Steve found himself in the weird position of having to root for the Jets offense.  That's never good.  But somehow they scored 27 points, and Steve held on for his 2nd victory of the season.  He's not quite out of last yet and his team - objectively- sucks balls.  But he's within a game of Travis, whose team sucks just as hard. ... The losing team here was Mike Frank, who has some talent, but just can't seem to get out of his own way.  He started the wrong QB and wrong DEF yet again.  If he only had more faith in the Jets or Bills, he would have won handily this week.  But the Giants bias is strong in him.  On the plus side though, I've heard Mike Frank's ass looks great in jean shorts.  So he's got that going for him.  

That's all folks.   Good luck in Week 10!  I'm sure you'll all win!

- The Commish

 

Week 7-8 Recap

Howdy Folks,

Looking for a distraction today, so it seems like a good time for a little recap on the last couple weeks and the state of the league in general.  Let's get to it, in no particular order, news and notes style (AKA barely coherent rambling-style):

• Previously on The Chicken Bone Recap, Maine was honored with the #1 spot in the Power Rankings.  How has that been working out for him?  Not good, Bob.  Not good, at all.  He's dropped two in a row and fallen out of playoff position.   This week, with duds from Cooper, Swift, Waller and the GB Defense,  he couldn't even break 100 against Mr. Sausage.  Sean is loving life with the Steelers at 7-0 and his fantasy team in third place.  Too bad he's still bald.  #zing

• Speaking of the Sausage King, this is - by-far - the news story of the week and is fantastic:  Vladimir Marugov murder: Russian 'Sausage King' killed in sauna with a crossbow.  Sean is either taking out his competition or better watch his back.  

• Mazzle and Your Trusty Commish engaged in an epic matchup for the ages this past weekend, where I dominated him to the tune of 78-67.  I clearly deserve to be in first place after that impressive double digit win.   #dominus 

• As a side note, anyone interested in trading an egg salad sandwich for George Kittle?  Asking for a friend.  I've been told by reliable sources, but still to be confirmed, that my friend will also take tuna fish.  

• I'm a week late on this, but congrats to Robby for winning the first Strobby Bowl of the Year.  He snapped a screw-to-scrotum painful 4 game losing streak against Steve, dating back to the 2018 season.  #research  With 2 straight wins, Robby is not only off the pace for Auction Bitch, but he's now in striking distance for a playoff spot.  It must be fun for him to own Rodgers and Adams...that seems like a good time.  It almost makes up for having two Dolphins in his starting lineup.  

• Speaking of a good time and speaking of the Dolphins, man, that win over the Rams was a good time!!!  Tua was a little shaky in his first start, but with all the crazy big plays by the Defense, he didn't have to do much.  So who could really tell anything except that Jared Goff will be having nightmares about Brian Flores for the rest of his life.  Given the pressure he was under on Sunday, I would have rather been any other Jared than him.  That's right...ANY other Jared. #fivedollarfootlong

• Seems like all the complaining my brother has been doing this season has paid off, as he's won two in a row and now sits in 4th place.  Let that be a lesson to the kids out there - complaining works!  He just needs 47 points out of Dalvin Cook every week, and he's in great shape.

• Meanwhile, the latest victim of Mike Cole's KarmaComplaineon ways this past weekend was the Falafel Fantasy Team Experience.  Travis is in a free fall right now, having lost 3 in a row without breaking 100 points in that time.  You can't win spades with 4s and 7s and you can't win at fantasy if you don't score 100 points.  #fact

• Thong is the best team in the league right now.  There I said it.  #letthongcook

• Michael Seth Frank is also in this league.  Though you wouldn't really know it with the 79 points he put up last weekend.  You just can't win scoring 79 points!  Mike has one of those teams you'd call low floor, low ceiling.  (Side Note: "Low Floor, Low Ceiling" is also how one might describe Travis's mom's saggy vagina.  You're Welcome.)

That's all I got my friends.  Good luck out there.

Cheers,

- The Commish

Week 3-6 Recap and Power Rankings

Howdy folks,

Wow, we here at Commish Headquarters have been slacking even more than usual with our recapping.  But given the sportsapalooza over the past 4 weeks, that was to be expected.  Between normal fall football, the Miami Heat, and the Atlanta Braves, we should be afforded some frickin' slack over here.  We, as an sports-loving organization, are emotionally spent.  

Speaking of spent, how about all of everybody's fantasy players.  Is there anyone that isn't hurt, covid-ridden, underperforming, or on bye in October?   What a shit show!   Let's take a look at the situation on the ground, power-rankings-style (AKA Big Willie Style):

#10   #Pencefly/Steve/Steev/Stevie G 

Stevie makes it into the Win column this week, thanks to big games from Kittle and Kirk.  If he only drafted Kamara instead of McCafferey, he would have a) been a contender and b) had a troublesome nickname for his team!   But alas, this team still has a long climb to go out of the league basement.  

#9   Falafel Fantasy Team/Travis/Lawson/Harrup/Dog Doo 

Sure Travis is technically 3-3, but that Week 6 stinker was one of the crappiest showings in the history of the league.  That was New York Jets level-bad.  He even managed to leave his best receiver on his bench, in the form of..checks notes...Travis Fulgham.  That's his best receiver?  Shit, this is even worse than I thought.  With little talent and the 2nd least amount of total points scored, Travis belongs in the 9-hole.  (Side note: the 9-hole is what his mom calls...something something nasty...)

#7/8  *tie  Extra Billy/Humberto/Robert/Robby/Robbie/Rob/Cousin Bob

This spot is a dead heat for mediocrity.  Let's take a look at some Extra Billy first, a team name so nice, Robby used it twice.  Well, the good news is he's not in Auction Bitch position for a change (bent over with a laptop).  But the bad news is, after a 2-1 start, he's dropped 3 in a row. He no-showed in Week 6 and instead of the Titans Defense, he would have been better off starting a dirty cum-filled sock .  Also, not that we are in any way equating the two, he also would have been better off starting the Jets Defense. .. Bottom line: this team is thin at RB with Barkley out and Rodgers fell back to earth with a thump this week, buuuut there is some talent here and there's a chance Robby can still make a run. 

#7/8  *tie  The Kitchen Bros/MFrank/Pretzel Boy/Mike/Mickey Brown Eyes/Cousin Mickey

The esteemed Michael Seth Frank has had the most points scored on him in the league.  That's no fun.  But man, he's just beating himself.  Case-in-point:  in Week 6 he started subjectively the wrong QB (Allen over Watson), objectively the wrong W3 (Shenault over Moore), and the blindingly fucking obvious wrong RB (Edmonds over Drake for some weird reason).  All of that cost him 50+ points and a victory.  This team has some talent, but Michael Seth Frank really needs to get his head out of his ass.  

#6 Wolf Nipple Chips/MCole/Michael Evan Cole/Obscure Monty Python Reference/Brother Cole

Man, this team complains a lot.  

#5 Snausages/Sean/Shawn/Shaun/Sean Forman/Abe Froman/Sausage King of Chicago

How on earth is this team 4-2?  I guess having Patrick Mahomes, Nuk Hopkins, and Julio Jones covers for a lot of ills.  Sean has no TE, no reliable RBs, no WR Depth, and Claypool and the PIT D are due for regressions.  Side Note: He has both running backs David Montgomery and Devin Singletary on his team, and to this day we honestly couldn't tell you which one is which.  Have to look it up every damn time.  They might even be the same person, for all we know.  

#4 Master of Puppets/Brad/Bradley/Mazzle/Mazzle-Muzzle/The Marvelous Mr. Mazzle

Frankly, we're not sure what to make of Brad's team.  Aaron Jones and Joe Mixon are studs, and AJ Brown is finally healthy.  But Matty Ryan has been schizophrenic as all get out.  Same goes for OBJ, who has one monster game, one decent game, and a bunch of lousy ones. Likewise for Mark Andrews, who has had 3 great games and 3 duds.  So who the hell knows what this team is going to do on a weekly basis?  Bradley might not make the playoffs, but you won't want to face him if he does.

#3 Thongdemic/Richard/Rich/Thong-tha-thong-thong-thong

In the 3-spot due to his 3-3 record, but Thong might just have the best damn team in the league.  He's 2nd most in points scored and has talent and depth out the wazoo.  And LeVeon Bell is coming as a relevant contributor with KC to boot.  And don't forget about Russell Wilson, the best QB this side of Mahomes and Jackson.  This is a team to be reckoned with.   #LetThongCook

# 2 Dominus Dingus/Commish/MeMyselfAndI

You wouldn't think it at 5-1, in first place, and with the most points scored in the league. but this team is being held together by string, gum, and duct tape.  And it's heading for a fall.  That's not even a reverse jinx.  Dak Prescott got broken hard.  Zach Ertz was lousy and now broken too.  Dionte Johnson can't stay healthy and is now eclipsed by Claypool. Mike Davis's good time is ending soon once CMcC comes back.  And Cam Akers just put up 0.00 points on two fewer carries than Robby's scrotum (and 1 fewer than Brother Cole's).    This isn't going to end well.

#1  BACON-19/Jermaine/Maine/The Baconator

With 3 straight wins and on a roll, Maine's team is an easy call for the top spot.  They can beat you in so many ways.  Murry and Newton at QB.  Johnson, Swift, Fornette, Gordon at RB.  Cooper, Evans, Metcalf, Fuller at WR.  Waller and Gronk at TE.  It's a damn murderer's row. FEAR THE BACON!!!

So, that's a wrap. Good luck to everyone the rest of the season on your quest to win the Dak Prescott Memorial Trophy!

Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease, 

- The Commish

Week 1-2 Recap

Howdy folks!

Wow, what a start to the football season!  I think we even have a few players left to suit up and play Week 3!  I'm looking forward to the playoffs, where I'll be starting Blake Bortles at QB, Devonta Freeman and Frank Gore at RB, and a recently unretired Dennis Northcutt as my WR1.  And those will be the best players left standing in the league.  

The Dolphins are 0-2, the stands are empty, there are no cheerleaders, and every key fantasy guy is hurt (even Alvin Kamara, who tore his ACL getting out of bed this morning at Travis's mom's house).  

At this point in 2020, I'm just trying to make it through this first recap without getting carpal tunnel syndrome.  But let's go team-by-team and see how everyone is looking through the first couple weeks...

Dominus Dingus/Commish/Bob Smerloff - Won easily the first two weeks.  Cam Akers got hurt, and Chris Godwin is one more concussion away from retirement, but everything else is looking pretty peachy so far.  Baltimore Kicker and Defense are doing good things and Dionte Johnson is looking like a potential value stud.  Zach Ertz needs to get back to doing Zach Ertz things though.

The Kitchen Brothers/MFrank/Pretzel Boy - Good Mike is also 2-0, after eking out a win over Evil Mike this past weekend.  This was mostly thanks to...checks notes..417 years passing and 4 TDs from Josh Allen?!  WTF?  So a Josh and a Chubby was all he really needed apparently.  ... Team Pretzel avoided the Week 2 injurypocalypse and will get even more dangerous once Golladay comes back.  This is a squad to to watch...

Wolf Nipple Chips/MCole/Evil Mike - He's 1-1, and lost both Sutton and Parris Campbell in the weekend's injurymageddon.  He's got WR depth issues, but has found a potential Bell Cow RB in James Robinson.  Oh, and MFing Calvin Ridley through two games!  As Keanu Reeves would say, Woah Nellie!!!

BACON-19/Maine/Beard Face - Livin by the Raiders, Dyin by the Raiders!  In Week 1, his team got abused by Josh Jacobs.  But in Week 2, thanks to a clutch performance by Darren Waller, he had a huge come from behind victory over Thong.  Raidahs!  I give it 3 weeks before Maine is packing up, moving to Vegas, and starting a new life as a Casino Fixer.  ... In the meantime, his fantasy team looks pretty sweet.

Master of Puppets/Mazzle/Chuck - Happy Birthday Dude!  After a lackluster showing in Week 1, for your birthday, we got you a Week 2 matchup with Robby.   Hope you enjoyed!  ...Speaking of enjoyment, Matt Ryan has been pretty darn fun for Mazzle so far.  (Side note: if you're not having fun with your QB this season so far, you're doing it wrong.  So many big numbers!)  Mazzle lost Tevin Coleman in the injurypalooza, but has benefitted from Marlon Mack going down for the season. He has studs in Jonathan Taylor, Aaron Jones and Joe Mixon  And he's stacked at WR.  So in conclusion, this team looks really excellent too!  Where are all the BAD teams in our league?!  (foreshadowing...)

Snausages/Sausage King/King of the Balds -  Sean got in the win column with a big fat Week 2 win over Steve, thanks to 3 huge Tyler Higbee touchdowns.  (Side note: "Tyler Higbee" sounds like the name of an indie band from 2002.)   In general, however, this team - which stars Jarvis Landry, Devin Singletary, and Juilo Jones's hamstring - is being described by pundits as "highly mediocre."

Extra Billy/Humberto/Team DVante - Robby's team might be Dunzo after Week 2.  Ever wonder what it looks like to just light $70 dollars on fire?  Well wonder no more!  Saquon Barkley is out for the season, and to add injury to injury, Sterling Shepherd messed up his toe, while Davante Adams hamstring filed for divorce. Not a good week Bob.  Not a good week.

Falafel Fantasy Team/Trav/Chick Pea Boy - Well, at least Falafel got his pain over with in Week 1, with Michael Thomas going down for a few weeks with an ankle.  He got a win that first week, but came up empty in Week 2 (literally, in the case of Anthony Miller, who scored as many points last week as Udonis Haslem and Dwyane Wade combined).  Right now he's looking at Alvin Kamara and a whole lot of hot garbage.  This is not a team to watch, unless you like watching train crashes.

Thongdemic/Thongtastic/Thongosauraus - A heartbreaking 0.34 point loss to Maine in Week 2, but this team actually has some talent. (Unfortunately, some of that talent like Edelman was inexplicably on the bench in Week 2).  Rich lost Mostert to injury-a-go-go in Week 2 after losing Bell in Week 1.  But Russ has been cooking, Tyreek Hill has been killing, and DJ Chark is going to torch the Dolphins this Thursday night.  We might get some Thong noise yet before this season is done...

Tua Legit to Quit/Steve-O/Future Auction Bitch - And last, but certainly least, we come to Steve's team.  But is he out or just down?  CMcC went down for 4-6 weeks in the injuryendoftheworldasweknowitandifeelfine, but he still has Zeke and uh...Allen Lazard?  OK, it might be a long season....

Enjoy the excellent week of sports everyone!  Hope you all are staying safe and sane.

Cheers,

- The Commish

Passing of the Cup

Chicken Bowl Preview and Year End Awards

Hey gang,

It’s been another festive season of fantasy football and for two once and future champions, it all comes down to this.  Mazzle vs Falafel in Chicken Bowl XVIII.  Let’s break this down, tale-of-the-tape-style….

Quarterback.  While Tannehill has been a revelation for Mazzle and the Titans the last two months, and they may have to throw to beat the Saints, there’s no way I’m picking him over Russell Wilson with the season on the line.  I’ve seen too much of Tannehill in my life to trust that shit.  There’s a chance the Seahawks go up big over the Cardinals and Russ won’t have to throw much, but with an over/under of 50 as well, there will be points to be had.   Advantage Falafel.

Running Back.  You’d think this would be a slam dunk for Falafel, but not so fast my friends.  Zeke and CMcC both have tough matchups on the road, and there’s no telling which San Diego running back is going to pop.  Meanwhile, Mazzle gets Barkley at the Deadskins in a game both teams want to lose.  He also gets Derek Henry who Tennessee will feed to try to keep the Saints offense off the field.  And he has a red-hot Kenyon Drake in the flex spot against a Seattle team that you can run on.  I wouldn’t of thunk it, but Advantage Mazzle.

Wide Receiver.  At first, I thought “This is some rough stuff.  Can I just give advantage to Defensive Backs?”  But really, there’s a big Falafel Advantage here.  Locket has been a stud, Boyd isn’t great (and isn’t Green) but is playing against Dolphins pitiful secondary, and Anthony Miller will probably be a target hog with Gabriel concussed and the Bears having to throw against the Chiefs.  He could even choose to roll out something called Chark against the Flacons’ weak-ass secondary.  Meanwhile, Mazzle gets to choose between basic bitch John Brown at New England in December, “I might have gotten hurt while Jason was typing this sentence” Jamison Crowder against the Steelers great defense, a Fool’s Golden Tate, somebody named Greg Ward, somebody named Zach Pascal, somebody named Andre Thompson, somebody named Dionte Johnson.  That’s not very good at all.  Especially since I made one of those receivers up and you didn’t even notice. 

Tight End.  Now we’re talking!  The best two Tight Ends this year – Kittle for Falafel, and Kelce for Mazzle.  These guys are both unstoppable studs, so there’s no wrong answer here.  Advantage: Even

Kicker.  Who gives a fuck? 

Defense.  Nothing to write home about.  Falafel has the Bills and it’s hard to like any defense at New England.  Even when the Pats don’t score much, Brady doesn’t get sacked or turn the ball over.  So Advantage Mazzle having the Seattle Defense at home, which occasionally still means something. #12thMan?

Miscellaneous:  Mazzle is relying on both Henry and Tannehill for Tennessee, which will cap his scoring potential.  He also has Drake going against his Seattle Defense, which also could hurt.  Lastly, as a Gator, he secretly wishes he could be playing for the jean shorts instead of the chicken bone cup, so I'm not sure his heart is in it.  Advantage Falafel.

Karma:  On general principle, Advantage Mazzle.

Prediction:  Pain!

Real Prediction:  It may be closer than the pundits are saying, but the winner of Chicken Bowl XVIII will be Falafel by about 15 points.  149.19-134.37

And now it’s time for a few year-end awards:

Best Draft:  Falafel

Worst Draft Ever: Commish

Best Team Name:  Extra Billy

Worst Team Name: Rabbit of Caebannog

Worst Semi-Finals Performance: Sean.  Not only did he lose in this league, but in his other league he couldn’t even beat a 9-year old in the playoffs!!!  (Really.)  Though in Sean’s defense, Ben will be turning 10 this weekend…

Baldest:  In an upset, Maine.

Best Trade:  Barkley for Thomas.  Helped keep me from being auction bitch and helped Mazzle make the final. 

Worst Trade:  Todd Gurley, Sammy Watkins, and Phillip Dorsett for Alvin Kamara.  I forgot this even happened and I’m too far gone in this post to even analyze who won it.  I’m guessing not Robby.

Extra Auction Bitch: Robby

Best Draft Pick: Maine, Lamar Jackson ($4)

Worst Draft Pick: tie. Mazzle, David Johnson ($48), Commish, Saquon Barkley ($60)

Mr. Irrelevant:  tie. Thong, MFrank

Worst Last Season:  Steve

Poster of the Year:  Our once and future overlord, Falafel.

Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night!!!

               

Peace, love, and chicken grease,

- The Commish

Playoff Semi-Finals Recap

Howdy folks,

So this happened…

Bacon v. Falafel

Good lord, that was a lot of playoff points scored by Travis.  More points than UVA’s basketball team has scored in all games combined this season.  More points than a motherfuckin porcupine!  In short, the most points scored in a playoff game in the long history of the league.   Travis not only had his studs play like studs, but he also made almost all the right manager moves – benching Gordon, picking up Anthony Miller and starting him, playing the Buffalo Defense, etc.  (He could have played Samuel over Boyd for another 9 points, but that’s nitpicking.) 

Maine pretty much maxed out his roster.  It was a good run.  Sure it hurt to lose Cook at halftime and Diggs/Jacobs didn’t do much.  But there was no keeping up with Travis on this day. 

It’s onto the Finals for Falafel, where he doesn’t stand a chance.  Really.  He blew his wad in the semis, and the last thing you want is to get all excited and only have a semi to show for it.  I predict a disaster for him - a week of agonizing over starting lineup decisions, only to make all the wrong choices.

Mazzle v. Sausage

In the undercard matchup, it was Brad who gutted out a tough win over Sean.  Saquon Barkley finally paid dividends for him, exactly as planned (that trade for Thomas turned out to be a rare win-win).  Throw in a big game out of Kelce, a make- it-count single long TD catch from Golden Tate, and 3-TD game from Ryan Effing Tannehill of all people…and it all adds up to 132 points and a huge playoff win.   (Sure he left Kenyon Drake and his 39 points on the bench, but bygones...)  

Meanwhile, when Sean spent Sunday morning deciding between starting Cohen or Michel, he already pretty much already was dead in the water.  His loss guarantees that the Chicken Bone Cup will leave Fairfax, Virginia for the first time in 6(!) years.  Travel well Cup, we shall miss thee!!!

So it’s onto the finals for Bradley “Chuck” Mazzlemuzzle.  He might be doing it with smoke and mirrors, but he’s our only hope. 

Jean Shorts Update
I crushed Thong and I'll play someone named Mike for the shorts.  That's all the recap that these games deserve.

Coming later this week…a finals preview, year-end awards, your mom. 

Cheers,

The Commish