Week 3 Recap

Well, well, well. Before the league stuff, I just need to rejoice for just a sec here: Woo hoo! Dolphins! Ronnie Brown! Ronnie Effing Brown!!! Go Effing Fins!!! ... It's been way too long since we Dolphin fans had a chance to be that happy on a Sunday in a non-fantasy way. I had almost forgotten what it felt like. (FYI...damn good.)

Now to league bidness. Things certainly are shaking out early around here. 3 games into the season and already there are three discrete groups of teams - the haves, the have-nots, and the "Steves". The haves, all at 3-0, include the Bros Cole and a surprise expansion team (more about all of them later). On the other hand, the have-nots are already fighting over the 4th and final playoff spot like fish on chips. But enough preamble, lets Recap With a Vengeance:


Chief of Staff 96.50 The Stevie Bunch 51.13
I should really change my team name to something that doesn't have Chief in the title. Because man, the Chiefs are a really baaaad football team. How bad are they? So bad, they're calling Steve for advice. ... Maybe I'll change my name to the Chefs or something. Hmmm..I guess I can call Steve for advice on changing my team name. That's something he's actually good at. ... And Hmmm..I just ended that last sentence with a preposition, but it looks right to me. What else would I have written? "That's something at which he's actually good"? "That which he's actually good is something"? "Steve sucks"? Except for that last one, those all sound worse, not better, dammit. Can't we all just agree that ending a sentence with a preposition isn't necessarily a bad thing and should be legal in our league? I'd like to put this up for a rule change for next year. Oh right, and I also kicked Steve's ass this week wherefore.


Lords of 4th Place 80.87 Leaky Shipmaster 67.48
Now maybe Mr. 189 can quit his whiny, vagina-flapping bitching. In one week, with one win, Maine has vaulted from a winless 8th place to a playoff spot. How? Because those overall points which he was decrying last week are the all-important tie-breaker for this league. I'm guessing he's not going to bitch about anything this week (aside from his poor guitar-playing skills). ... Also, I would be remiss if I didn't point out the obvious in that Maine set an inglorious league record for most points by an individual bench player. Ronnie Effing Brown scored 38.51 Effing fantasy points this week and this was Maine's reaction after each touchdown:

TD1: "Hmm, maybe I should have started him."
TD2: "Damn, I definitely should have started him."
TD3: "Damn! Well at least this helps his trade value."
TD4 (passing): "Damn!!!" (Eyes get all misty, about to cry.)
TD5: (Delirious laughing, rolling on the floor, and then peeing his pants)

Also, Robby loses 2 row and would have been better off starting The Captain and Tennille than Fast Willie and Big Ben.


I Flunked Flank 104.42 Demon Thong of Fleet Street 77.86
Another commanding performance by BrotherCole, who has topped 100 points every week so far and is looking like the team to beat, even with Shockey hurt. At this point, he's expected to win the title, and anything less would be a disappointment. .. On the flip side, once Thong does something interesting in this league, I'll be sure to write about it. Keep me posted!


Seek & Destroy 102.22 Falawful 57.59
Well look who decided to show up! It's the Mazzle Express, hurtling out of nowhere to score over 100 points, almost doubling up the Artist Formerly Known As Falafel. Wow, it must have been Mazzle's birthday yesterday or something. (BTW, Happy Birthday Brad!) Good luck next week, when he tries to win in a non-birthday situation. .. Meanwhile, Falafel should be pleased because his team looks GREAT on paper. They are the paper all-stars. Too bad he got reamed this week (rim shot).


Forman's Grillers 82.51 League of Morons 52.21
Finally, we've reached the nameless expansion team who is somehow 3-0 - Sean "Effing" Forman! Ladies and gentlemen, despite keeping kosher, The Sausage King has come to play! He has showed up into your league and broughten it on. You going to take that shit?! MFrank took that shit this week, and it wasn't even the secret shit. Robby, you get Sean's shit next week. You gonna take the shit back from him?! Don't let him keep your shit. You show him your shit and you win the shit. That's what you fuckin do!


- The Commish

Week 2 Recap

Howdy Folks,

Welcome to Recap 2: Recap Harder! The big news this week was the insanely high scores put up in both the NFL and this league. These scores were higher than Thong's dad on meth. They were higher than Steve "Urkel" Rappaport's pants. They were higher than the commish's hair at his bar mitzvah. So, what I'm saying I guess, is that they were high and stuff.

But how did they get so high, you ask out loud, making your coworkers wonder why you're talking to the computer screen and if maybe they need to report you to the boss on the suspicion of being a lunatic and besides they think you might have stolen their leftovers from the Cheesecake Factory out of the fridge because a half-a-salad doesn't just walk away on its own and go join the Lettuce Navy, because that would be crazy. So, uh, recap anyone?


Forman's Grillers 122.01 Lords of Ham 108.36

The newbies came to play! In the hottest action of the weekend, Mr. Forman takes the Michael Tamayo Memorial Bald Guy Trophy with a huge performance from T.O. on Monday Night Football. Maine technically did nothing wrong (aside from drafting overrated running backs), but he just ran up against a buzzsaw this week. In honor of the Sausage King notching the high score of the week and moving to 2-0 on the young season, I'll note here that Sean is technically "balding" and not "bald". (Just like Maine's mom is technically a "slut" and not a "whore.")


Thong 113.70 The Non-Brady Bitch 93.68

The law firm of Manning, Earnest, and Gostkowski got thrown out of court in this high-stakes trial by fire. The plaintiff, Mr. Richard Spady, won a victory thanks partially to the testimony of a Mr. Romo and the evidence provided by Monsignor McFadden. (Though the argument brought by a one Senior Houshmandzadeh had to be ignored by the jury after finding out that he a) wasn't a US Citizen and b) sucked.) Also, Steve lost because of a priori assumption, consensus facit legem, and de facto habeas corpus esquire. Also, no Tight End.


I Flunked Flank 119.94 Left Hand Falafel 92.29

In yet another barn burner, BrotherCole bested Falafel in this battle of washed-up former champs. BroCole goes to 2-0, owes someone named "Big Guns" Ed money, and still needs a Tight End. Falafel still loves his Eagles, doesn't have a Tight End either, and sniffs glue for fun.



Chief of Staff 86.39 Achy-Breaky Assmaster 63.05

In the non-redonkulous division, your humble Commish turns in another consistent performance to turn back the Seaman and move to 2-0 on the season. The Man has won 16 of his last 17 regular season games, dating back to 2006. In loser news, Robby needs a healthy toe (camel or otherwise) for LDT, a Defense for Hanukkah (preferably before), and a Tight End.



Team of Morons 60.90 Seek & Destroy & Suck & Cry 47.73
Wow, really? I mean, really??? Can we all vote to give both of these teams a loss this week? I think we can do that kind of thing in a PLUS league. In a week like this, these two teams just set the mark for futility. Other than Bradley needing a Tight End, I have nothing else to say here. I mean....wow. Just wow.

Peace,
- The Commish

Week 1 Recap

My Friends,

Welcome to the first recapulation of Aught 8! The big fantasy news this week dealt with the horrific ACL injury to a key player. The best player on the team at his position, he'll miss the entire season with the injury, dealing a big blow to his owner. That's right, I'm talking about the crushing loss of Nate Burleson. (What? You didn't think gave a Steve's ass about a player on someone else's team, did you?)

In our league news, though some of the faces might change, the names at the top remain the same. C'mon people! Falafel and the Coles are 1, 2, and 3 already?!? That was fast, even for the lowly standards set around here. Joining us with wins were Sean "Sausage King" Forman with his historic first Chicken Bone victory and Robby "Robby" Friedman with his historic first Chicken Bone victory. But how did it all go down, you ask, pleadingly? Let's recap away...

Chief of Staff 87.07 Lords of Turkey Bacon 80.97
Also historic this week was Maine's first (of many) losses in this league. Despite tasking Michael Turner to anally rape me between the hours of 1 and 4, he got little support from the rest of his players not named Reggie Wayne. Of interest was the fact that Marshawn Lynch outscored Stephen Jackson by roughly the same amount your Commish outscored Maine. Also of interest is that Maine is bald.

Achy Shipmaster 77.00 Wrong Thong 55.20
In the Junior division, Robert Roughed Up Richard to the tune of a 22 point win, with more than half of his points coming from "Big" and "Fast." He's on pace for a perfect season, folks! And as per usual around here, the less said about Rich's team, the better. But more importantly than any of that, I need to state that I do not trust Robby's avatar one little bit. That is one sketchy seaman. Looks like he just fucked a whale. And not the blowhole, if you catch my meaning. (Though I would chip in 5 bucks to have Robby show up to next year's draft wearing that Captain's hat.)

GoodFalafels 79.01 Tom Brady's Knee Is Diseased 43.06
Do you know what's really sad for Steve, other than the usual blah blah blah Tom Brady ACL Season Over Rubber Dildo blah blah blah? It's that even if Brady was healthy the whole game, and even if he matched the 25+ fantasy points McNabb gave Falafel, Stevie still would have lost by double digits. And if Falafel played a dead squirrel at TE instead of Todd Heap, it would have been even worse. ... It's been nice knowing ya Stevie, glad you could join us, and have a nice fall. .. And then there were nine...

I Flunked Flank 100.34 Owner of Morons 51.20
With the high score and the big trouncing of the week, Mr. Brother gets off to a fast start with solid efforts from everyone except the corpse of Torry Holt (who was still better than MFrank's corpse of Isaac Bruce).

Forman's Grillers 77.21 Metallica Rulez! 67.86
He sweated it out for nothing last night, contributed little to our bar trivia team, and didn't realize that Special Teams touchdowns don't count toward defense. And this was Sean, the guy that won! How can we explain that? Oh yeah, Mazzle was so consumed by the thought of the new Metallica album, he forgot to draft a decent fantasy squad. His team includes guys named Larry, Laurence, Laveraneus, and LenDale. What the L?! You can't win with names like that! Also of interest is that Sean is bald.

Onto next week, after which there will be only 2 undefeated teams left, as I play Robby, BrotherCole plays Falafel, and no way The Sausage King goes 2-0 (even if he is playing Maine in "Newbie Bowl I").

- The Commish