My Friends,
Welcome to the first recapulation of Aught 8! The big fantasy news this week dealt with the horrific ACL injury to a key player. The best player on the team at his position, he'll miss the entire season with the injury, dealing a big blow to his owner. That's right, I'm talking about the crushing loss of Nate Burleson. (What? You didn't think gave a Steve's ass about a player on someone else's team, did you?)
In our league news, though some of the faces might change, the names at the top remain the same. C'mon people! Falafel and the Coles are 1, 2, and 3 already?!? That was fast, even for the lowly standards set around here. Joining us with wins were Sean "Sausage King" Forman with his historic first Chicken Bone victory and Robby "Robby" Friedman with his historic first Chicken Bone victory. But how did it all go down, you ask, pleadingly? Let's recap away...
Chief of Staff 87.07 Lords of Turkey Bacon 80.97
Also historic this week was Maine's first (of many) losses in this league. Despite tasking Michael Turner to anally rape me between the hours of 1 and 4, he got little support from the rest of his players not named Reggie Wayne. Of interest was the fact that Marshawn Lynch outscored Stephen Jackson by roughly the same amount your Commish outscored Maine. Also of interest is that Maine is bald.
Achy Shipmaster 77.00 Wrong Thong 55.20
In the Junior division, Robert Roughed Up Richard to the tune of a 22 point win, with more than half of his points coming from "Big" and "Fast." He's on pace for a perfect season, folks! And as per usual around here, the less said about Rich's team, the better. But more importantly than any of that, I need to state that I do not trust Robby's avatar one little bit. That is one sketchy seaman. Looks like he just fucked a whale. And not the blowhole, if you catch my meaning. (Though I would chip in 5 bucks to have Robby show up to next year's draft wearing that Captain's hat.)
GoodFalafels 79.01 Tom Brady's Knee Is Diseased 43.06
Do you know what's really sad for Steve, other than the usual blah blah blah Tom Brady ACL Season Over Rubber Dildo blah blah blah? It's that even if Brady was healthy the whole game, and even if he matched the 25+ fantasy points McNabb gave Falafel, Stevie still would have lost by double digits. And if Falafel played a dead squirrel at TE instead of Todd Heap, it would have been even worse. ... It's been nice knowing ya Stevie, glad you could join us, and have a nice fall. .. And then there were nine...
I Flunked Flank 100.34 Owner of Morons 51.20
With the high score and the big trouncing of the week, Mr. Brother gets off to a fast start with solid efforts from everyone except the corpse of Torry Holt (who was still better than MFrank's corpse of Isaac Bruce).
Forman's Grillers 77.21 Metallica Rulez! 67.86
He sweated it out for nothing last night, contributed little to our bar trivia team, and didn't realize that Special Teams touchdowns don't count toward defense. And this was Sean, the guy that won! How can we explain that? Oh yeah, Mazzle was so consumed by the thought of the new Metallica album, he forgot to draft a decent fantasy squad. His team includes guys named Larry, Laurence, Laveraneus, and LenDale. What the L?! You can't win with names like that! Also of interest is that Sean is bald.
Onto next week, after which there will be only 2 undefeated teams left, as I play Robby, BrotherCole plays Falafel, and no way The Sausage King goes 2-0 (even if he is playing Maine in "Newbie Bowl I").
- The Commish
