Week 8 Recap

Ahhh....a festive football weekend all around. Big wins for the Hoos, the Fins, and the Chief make Jason a happy camper.

As far as our little league is concerned, things are pretty par for the course. I've retaken my rightful place atop the standings, there are a couple of bitter bald guys, and a typically despondent Strobby is bottom-runging it. Not to mention Mazzle is on track to lose in the playoffs. All is right with the world. Time to recap...

(Though FYI...it's a little cloudy here in Fairfax today. I'll try to get through the recap without a rain delay, but I can't make any promises. But I've checked the forecast, and I think I can get it in.)

Chief of Staff 112.74 Teeny Dong 59.08
Intimidation!!! Not only did your trusty Commish continue his run of psyching his opponent into a subpar performance, he also managed to put up his best score of the year. Thong heard the footsteps and couldn't manage double digits for any of his players in the United States games. Deuce had a nice game in the UK though. Perhaps Thong should move his entire team to London permanently. I hear Queen Elizabeth plays a mean Tight End. Thong on the Thames!

Enter The Falafel 89.99 Ladies of Bacon 86.19
MNF Barnburner #1. Thanks to both Reggie and Marvin doing jack squat against the powerful Titans Defense, Falafel comes up with the big upset over Mainerd. Maine, who now has the most total points scored in the league, falls to 3-5 on the season and 2 games behind Mazzle for a playoff spot. Over the weekend, Maine also cut himself shaving his head, drank some expired milk, fell down a flight of stairs, got kicked in the balls by a midget, and mistook a tranny hooker for a regular hooker. Not good times.

League of Morons 94.60 Achy Breaky Incest 85.05
Fun Fact #1: Robby was cursing me when Anthony Fassano caught that TD for the Dolphins on Sunday, as I've been goading him in this space for weeks to bench Fassano for Dallas Clark. But he was rewarded on Monday when Clark went nuts. Robby should take back every bad thing he said about me on Sunday. A formal apology will suffice. ... Alas, Clark's 18 points weren't enough to overcome the force that was MFrank's League of Morons. Even without Purple Jesus, the League put up a big 94 points and has moved into quasi-legitimate contention for a playoff spot. If only he wasn't working too much at the League of Doom to enjoy it. ... Fun Fact #2: Robby would have been better off starting Carmen Sandiego at Defense rather than San Diego. Where in the world was the San Diego D? Oh right, London.

Seek & Destroy 102.84 No Thanks 63.20
Bradley continues his impressive run up the standings with another impressive win against the unimpressive Steven G. Rappaport. Impressively, Bradley is doing all this without his first 3 draft picks - RMoss, LJ, and Maroney. This either tell us that draft picks are overrated...or Bradley is. Draw your own conclusions.

I Flunked Flank 72.14 Sausage Serf 66.02
MNF Barnburner #2. Forman goes down for a 2nd straight week, falling from first to third place, thanks to Rob Bi-ron-ass on Monday Night. At least he got put out of his misery quickly, as two first quarter figgies did him in. Also of note, is that Sean is still bald. Also also of note is that he's planning on making it a 3 game losing streak against the Commish this coming weekend. He doesn't want any of this shiz. Also also also of note, is that for a matchup of two top teams, this was another low scoring affair. Perhaps these two teams peaked too soon? Also.

Cheers!
- The Commish

Week 7 Recap

Halfway home homies! We're approximately 50% done with the regular season, so let's see where we stand:

In his inaugural season, The Sausage King is in line for a loss in the first round of the playoffs. And despite his/my craptastic total points, your trusty Commish is also in plenty good shape for a playoff berth. (Side note: I never know whether the Commish should write my recaps in the 1st or 3rd person. Suggestions welcome to him/me.) BrotherCole is also unfortunately also looking at a playoff spot - figuring 8-6 will get ya in this year, he only needs to go 3-4 over the last half. So that's 3 teams. Leaving Mazzle, Maine, and Thong to fight over the last spot, all hovering around .500. (No I didn't forget about MFrank.) And Strobby/Falafel bring up the rear (which is how they like it because they are gay homosexuals who are bad at fantasy football and console themselves by sticking their...well...you get the point.) So that's the skinny (Except for Maine, who is fat. And bald).

Onto the recap! But before the recap, we have a special message for Brother Cole from Wahoo nation:

SUCK IT TAR HEEL!

Chief of Staff 93.74 Exit The Falafel 66.03

Playing Falafel almost feels like picking on the retarded kid at this point. Remember when he used to be feared and respected in this league? (Well, at least feared.) Falafel is No More. This past weekend, The Artist Formerly Known As Falafel put up another terrible score. TAFKAF got nary a point from McNabb, Westbrook, or Jones Drew. It's hard to win when your studs don't produce. In lieu of flowers, TAFKAF requests that you send underage Asian Hookers.

League of Morons 106.94 Turds of Bacon 75.99
MFrank Keeps Kosher and trounces the Lords of Trafe! Putting up over a hund, MFrank won in part from a huge day from the Adrian Peterson, aka Purple Jesus. What this means is that MFrank is officially a Jew for Jesus. ... On the flip side of the shekel, Maine slipped under .500 yet again, despite an even bigger day from Steven Jackson (aka Yellow Moses). Too bad the rest of his team didn't show up. Even Michael Turner (aka Red Buddha) couldn't gain a single yard.

Seek & Destroy 111.08 Robby's Team is Sooo Bad 62.40
Rather than belabor the point that Robby has a very, very bad team who isn't very good and will be lucky to win another game and has a 6 game losing streak and generally sucks ass... rather than belabor that, let's talk about the Mazzle Express. His team is firing on all cylinders now. He's got everything going for him and set up great for the second half of the season: His RBs don't hit women, eat a lot, or get knee injuries. And his WRs aren't mediocre at all! Plus his QB looked awesome this past weekend and repeatedly connected with a stud WR coming back from injury. So everything's coming up Mazzle!

I Flunked Flank 64.49 Del Crappa Vista 62.17
I believe Stevie and BroCole have already said what needs to be said on the message board. But let's not forget that BOTH of these teams put up crappy scores and really neither of them deserved to win. After a fast start to the season, the Flank Flunker has slowed down considerably lately and is not looking so strong. Meanwhile, Steve is lactose intolerant.

Sweeney Thong 113.03 Forman Grilled 71.36
Down goes Forman! Down goes Forman! The Sausage King is bitter that Thong's Chicago Defense scored 22 fantasy points despite giving up 41 points in real life. He's gotta remember, this is FANTASY football. If you want realism, go rent some HD porn. Also, even if Thong got zippy from Chicago's defense, The Sausage King still would have lost by double digits. ... Meanwhile, very quietly, The Thong from Hotlanta is heating up and might just have the best team in the league right now. Or maybe not. What the hell do I know?

See ya!
- The Commish

Week 6 Recap

Hey folks, it's busy as shiz over here at the Commish mansion, so apologies for the belated recap. Wait, scratch that. You can stuff those sorries in a sack. I ain't getting paid for this, so you'll take what you get when you get it and like it. Bitches.

Anyhow, as you can probably tell, I'm still fired up from the weekend's Dolphins Debacle. I threw up in my mouth at the end of that thing, as it was the first game we Fins Fans cared about in about two years, and we had our frickin hearts torn out. (And mostly by a former Hurricane and Wahoo to boot). And speaking of former Wahoos, I'm guessing Thong had an even worse Sunday. But more on that below. For it's time for Recap VI: The Recappening!


Chief of Staff 48.99 League of Shit 38.24
3 Words: Dom. In. Ant. That's right. In another dominating performance, your trusty Commish trounces MFrank by double digits and keeps his stranglehold on 2nd place. You do not want a part of Chief of Staff right now. You do not want any of this. ... OK, fine. This was a debacle. I'm not sure if we set a record for least combined points, but if not, we should have. Bad lineup decisions, bad defenses, bad byes. Swollen egos, swollen reputations, swollen testicles. Injuries, negative points, and hot garbage. You name it, this matchup sucked it. As of about 5:30 PM on Sunday, I had a total of 8 points. League of MFrank didn't have a single player reach 10 points. I could go on, but you get the point. Bottom line: Brandon Jacobs is the man, and despite the downward trend, I'm looking good for the playoffs. And in general. Looking good, that is. :-)


Lords of Bacon 106.76 Meek & Destroyed 89.21
Does Maine have the best team in the league? It's certainly possible. Right now it's between him, BroCole, and The Sausage King. He's putting up a crapload of points every week, even with people on byes. Bradford C. Mallimazien scored decently this week, but he was no match for the power that is Jermaine F. Peguese. He moves back into a 4th place playoff position and nothing can go wrong for him now. Nothing.


I Flunked Flank 89.83 Sinking Shipmaster 78.53
It's so cute when Robby tries to be competitive. He's like a little puppy nipping at your leg. Or crapping on your carpet. Either way, it's just so adorable! .. In other Robby news, we need to stage an intervention. I know you have blinding love for the Dolphins and all, but you can't keep starting Anthony Fassano over Dallas Clark. You can't! I know you had some "logic" for the move, but it needs to stop. We love you man. You can't keep going on like this. I miss my cousin...


Forman's Grillers 93.58 Del Taco 80.96
Everything's coming up Sausage! Even with one Colston tied behind his back, Mr. Forman continues his lifetime chicken bone undefeated record. .. But you want to know a dirty little secret? His team isn't that good. It really isn't. He realistically, should be in about 7th or 8th place right now, if you do all the math. He's a paper tiger, not worthy of a playoff spot, let alone an undefeated record. He's going to lose to the Thong this week, and then lose again, and lose some more, and then keep losing. Those are just facts. Facts and math. You can't argue with facts and math. You just can't.


Enter The Falafel 139.13 Thong-tha-Thong-Thong-Thong 79.83
Meanwhile, speaking of Thong, man did he have a bad Sunday! Not only did his beloved Redskins blow a home game to the lowly Rams, but he got crushed by his so called "friend" Falafel. Then he found out that his stud (and only) QB is out with a stinky picky for the next month. And all this week, he's dealing with crappy QB trade offers from the huddled masses out there in Chicken Bone Land. Not good times. ... In the other corner, Falafel reared his ugly head with a huge score, and is sorta kinda back in the hunt. (That's not the only head he reared, if you get my drift.) (If you don't get my drift, I'm implying that Travis has anal sex with other men.)


Cheers fools!
- The Commish

Week 5 Recap

Hey there, chumps and chumpettes. That was a thoroughly enjoyable weekend of college football for just about everyone not named Robby in the league. Big wins for the Hoos, Tarheels, Panthers, and Gators. (And nobody cares about the Hurricanes these days. How sad is that?). And things were equally festive on Sunday, with the Fins continuing to impress. (I'm naming my next child "Wildcat Cole.") But alas, only approximately 50% of the league could win their fantasy matchups. Time to Live Free or Recap Hard:

Seek & Destroy 73.08 Chief of Cocky 64.00
A Brandon Jacobs start away from remaining undefeated, alas, it was not to be for your trusty Commish. Bradley Charles Malemezian continues his hot streak with a low-ish point total, but a big-ish win. After starting out 0-2, he's now primed nicely for a playoff run. On the flip side, your Commish now realizes his team actually sucks and is in all out panic mode.

Lords of Bacon 105.74 I Flunked Football 97.22
In the barnburner of the week, Maine relied on a big Bernard Berrian performance on MNF to defeat the scourge that is BrotherCole. Also of interest, the term barnburner was derived from the idea of someone who would burn down his own barn to get rid of a rat infestation. So what this means is that BrotherCole is a rat, whom Maine set on fire? Or is Ronnie Brown the fire and John Carlson the rat? Or is Maine's toupee the rat, and BrotherCole's vagina the fire? This is all getting confusing.

Del Boca Vista 92.07 Achy From the Rape 48.16
Stevie is coming on strong! After firing General Manager Turd Ferguson, Steve Rappaport has become the class of the league, winning Strobby Bowl XIV by a healthy margin. His 2 wins in a row over the retarded portion of the league no doubt endeared him to Sarah Palin yesterday, you betcha! (Yes, Steve actually met her yesterday. Rumors of Steve getting a blow job from the VP Candidate are unconfirmed as of press time) .. In other news, Robby was horribly shell-shocked from his Terps getting crushed. (get it? shell-shocked?!? ha!) Anyhow, that's the only explanation I can come up with for him starting Trent Edwards over Big Ben and Anthony Fassano over Dallas Clark. Perhaps he should also fire his general manager, depicted here in this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1Q6h0p6faU

Sweeney Thong 115.92 Moron of Morons 65.74
Thong makes an attempt at league relevance with a bold statement this week. He killed MoronFrank and manged the high point total of the week (which gets him nothing but this pat on the back, but still...). Do not count out the Thong people. He has never looked this strong this late in the season. Watch your ass cracks. .. Meanwhile, I go mentioning Moron Frank in a column last week and this is what he puts up? Now he knows why I don't talk about him.

Forman's Grillers 99.31 The Fallen Falafel 49.78
Another big week for The Sausage King, who is now alone, undefeated, in first place. Falafel, on the other hand, is in dead last place. If not for the big UVA win, I'd call the San Diego police suicide hotline for him. How far he has fallen from the elite of the league. We used to count on you man! What happened!? I have no explanation.

- The Commish

News and Notes

Party People!

In lieu of a proper recap, where I carefully opine on the previous weekends events, instead you get a 4 days late post of late night ramblings that may or may not make any sense. I think that's a fair trade!

- First off I'll mention Mike Frank, who is miffed that I never talk about him or his team. There. Happy now, pretzel boy?

- Next, I must congratulate the only other team aside from myself with a 4-0 record: The Buffalo Bills. Oh, and also the Sean Forman Sausage Grilling Machine. As you all no doubt remember, I predicted Sean to go 4-10 on the season. So congrats on the fast start, Mr. Forman. And I'm sorry that you're going to lose your next 10 games.

- For a matchup of undefeated powerhouses, The Brothers Cole both put up piss poor totals last weekend. Fortunately for everyone in the league that roots against him (9 out of 10 teams), "I Fucked Frank" was piss-poorer. So once again, in the words of Desmond Hume, suck it brothah!

- Fun Fact #1: I have won 18 of my last 19 regular season games. That's a lot of winning.

- Fun Fact #2: UVA lost to Dook 31-3. As I type this post, UVA is beating the Maryland Twerps 31-0. That means that MD would lose to Dook 62-3 (which is exactly the same score my high school football team lost homecoming my senior year). And what does this all mean? Nothing except this: SUCK IT ROBBY!

- Falafel is getting increasingly bitter about everything. Please don't call a press conference. You can get help.

- Mazzle: Congrats on putting up 2 huge weeks to get right back in the thick of things. Too bad you're facing the nightmare that is me this week. "You crawl back in, but your luck runs out-TAH"

- More congrats go to Steve for his first win of the season. I'm sure that helped to couch the blow of another Mets collapse and a Gator upset. Otherwise he might have called a "press conference" on Monday.

- Thong picked the wrong season to stop sniffing glue.

Cheers Bitches! Enjoy your Sundays!
- The Commish