Week 3 Recap - "Suicide Watch"

Well that pretty much sucked. Unless you live west of the Mississippi and/or are lactose intolerant, you probably came out of the weekend feeling pretty despondent about the state of more than one of your teams - college, pro, fantasy, and otherwise. Anyhow let's check the Misery Level (ML) for the lot of us....


Motherfucker 90.16 ---- ML: distressed (aka Steve)
Major Blowhard 45.19 ---- ML: pessimistic
After getting the ever-loving crap kicked out of him, your trusty commish is suddenly pessimistic about his team. With Gates hobbled and his receivers unpredictable, he has no idea who's catching the ball from week to week. And if you can't catch, you can't win. Throw in the results from the Atlanta Braves, Miami Dolphins, Virginia Cavaliers, and Jim Courier, and it adds up to a shitty weekend. ... Meanwhile, Stevie kicked ass here, plus got wins from his Giants and Gators, but he's still Steve; and thus he's distressed about something or other. He's worried about what QB to start next week, or that the Gators are home underdogs to Alabama, or that Pink Floyd will never get back together, or that he can't eat pizza, or that his dick is too small to ever please a woman. Dude - just enjoy your 45 point thrashing of me for a minute will ya?!? (OK, I might be the distressed one here. Moving on...)


An Asshole in Africa? 70.56 --- ML: heartbroken
Stupid Sean 61.67 --- ML: woebegone
This low scoring affair (like college for these guys) came down to Monday Night's Field-Goal-a-rama, which did Seanie no favors. He has a boatload of injuries, the worst record in the league, the least total points scored, and the fashion sense of a young Urkel. Not good times. At least his Steelers looked impressive against Indy. And while you might think that Brother Cole is on top of the world, think again. He favorite band broke up this week and his best receiver tore his ACL, MCL, and some ligament doctors hadn't even discovered yet. All the best brother. All the best.


Falafel Coach 110.16 --- ML: pensive
The Boy's Teeth 83.58 --- ML: glum
Except for his Hoos losing to Southern Missouri School for Retarded Gerbils, Travis is on top of the world. What were the odds that he and the Detroit Lions would BOTH be 3-0 to start the year? Still, he has to wonder if Cam Newton and Wes Welker can keep this shit up. This week, however, they did plenty to send Mike Frank to 1-2. Glum Mike Frank will finish 7-7 as usual and just miss the playoffs.

The Electric Bacon 2: Electric Boogaloo 110.74 --- ML: out of sorts
The Chutzpahs 74.47 --- ML: down-in-the-mouth
Maine is only out of sorts from the large quantities of bacon, beer, and other assorted artery cloggers that are constantly in his system. Other than that, he's feelin damn good. Hell, even his Raiders are playing well. (Sidenote: Is it really possible that the Bills, Raiders, and Titans are all good teams this year? If so, that reconfirms my previously stated belief that I don't know anything. What the hell man? What the hell?? ... Balls.) Meanwhile, thanks to a female friend of his that may or may not have once had a penis, Robby's condition has improved since Sunday night from suicidal to merely "down-in-the-mouth." And don't ask me what I mean by down-in-the-mouth, because I have no idea. Just sounds dirty.

Big and Rich 88.08 --- ML: blue
Bad Luck Brad 81.51 --- ML: lugubrious
The story here is Bitter Bradley, who has the 3rd most total points in the league and a big fat 0-3 to show for it. Also, he's still holding onto Peyton Manning for some unknown reason. Isn't he cute, ladies and gentlemen? So Happy 35th Birthday, dude!!! Keep fucking that chicken! ... Rich won, but he's still 1-2 and his team still sucks, so he's blue like a smurf.


In conclusion, Id just like to state that the Dolphins are horrible and their secondary is horrible and they can’t kick field goals and they can’t hold on to the ball and they can’t manage the clock and they need to fire their offensive coordinator and fire their defensive backs coach and I don’t really feel like watching them every again in my life, at least until next Sunday where I’ll be on the couch at 4:15 because I’m a sucker like that.

So there.

- The Commish

Week 2 Recap - "Not Ready for Primetime Players"

Howdy folks!

Hope you're all enjoying the new season this fall as much as I am. Time to put on our 20/20 hindsight vision and recap this muthah...

Major Blowhard 96.43 Stupid Yard Marker 81.64
So Seanie already gets the prize for most injuries in a season. With two and a half men (Vick and Charles and...Floyd) getting hurt this week, if it keeps going like this, the last man standing on his team will be Ryan Torain. That can't be good. At this point, Sean's hopes for making the playoffs are already grimm, and he's really just hoping the entire Pittsburgh defense doesn't die in a bus crash. ... Meanwhile, Vick's injury spared your trusty Commish from having to stay up all night to watch the Eagles game, coasting to an easy victory despite Antonio Gates getting shut out when the Pats defense decided to cover him with 11 guys each time.

A Tiger in Africa? 103.35 Captain Amerithong 101.67
Here at the office of the Commissioner, we've heard an unforgettable story about the late Milton Berle. Somebody challenged him to a "who's bigger?" contest once, and Berle soundly defeated the guy, then bragged with glee to someone else in the room, "I only pulled out enough to win." That was Brother Cole this week. He's gotten so...well...cocky, that he didn't even bother to start a Defense at all and beat Thong anyhow. He claims that he just didn't want to chuck anyone and make them free agents, but nope, that was a total Berle. ... On the flip side, if Brother Cole was the "biggest," then Rich was the biggest loser. Despite 101 points raising hope for a win, he ended up with a total of -.27 points from his WR2 and WR3 positions. That ain't gonna produce many happy endings.

Motherfucker Jones 117.55 The Goy's Teeth 76.84
And now we move to the middle of the pack, where Stevie and MFrank are chillaxing as usual. A win one week, a loss the next. That's how they roll the bones. Well, this week was Steve's turn to put the smack down.
The X-Factor for him was Matthew Stafford, out of the SEC, putting up a huge 28 points for the Detroit Lions of all teams. Throw in Rob Gronkowski as another person of interest, and Steve has something interesting going on with his team. But don't worry - it will all come falling down soon enough. Meanwhile, MFrank will continue to stay on the fringe of respectability and get his revenge next time. Or possibly not. Who the hell knows?

Falafel 1st Class 117.42 The Choot Spas 84.60
Once upon a time in our league, you could count on Falafel to be around the top of the standings. He wasn't particularly a gifted man per se, but he did have an ample amount of time to makes moves, post on the community message board, and generally give a shit. But lately, with not even parenthood as an excuse, he's somehow been too busy to do anything around here but suck off the occasional Cam Newton. Things, however, appear to be different this year. He's got first place locked down and he's kicking ass all over the house. And the ass in question this week was the ample one of Robert Friedman. Not even the supernatural force of that ass, however, could make up for starting Hines Ward, Jacoby Jones, and Reggie Bush.

The Electric Bacon 132.16 FrayedEndsofSanity 124.81
The new girl in the league is making a play for the cup. Ms. Maine's much maligned team on paper is a dead ringer for the '72 Dolphins so far, as she's crushed it hard her first two weeks. (If it wasn't for Falafel, she'd be queen of the castle right now.) This time, Ms. Maine won in a big time shootout with Mrs. Mazzle, who should call the cops she got robbed so badly this week. It's hard to swallow putting up 124 points and losing, but swallow it she did, with the prime suspect on her team being number "1" draft pick Chris Johnson. Chris Johnson is more worthless than a eunuch at the Playboy club. More worthless than a Dennis Northcutt waiver claim. And more worthless than Travis's mom. That is all.

So who's gonna man up next week? Stay tuned for Football Night in America!

- The Commish

Week 1 Recap - "Wha Happened?"

Well slap my ass and call me Nancy, that was a heck of a way to start the year. And by "heck of a way, " I really mean, "feces-smearing crazy." And because nobody knew anything this year, there is plenty to recap. Let's get to it, shall we?

Major Blowhard 88.17 A Tiger in Africa? 68.13
In an early season rematch of last year's championship game, the Elder Cole exacted a meaningless measure of revenge thanks to the Bears Defense going off. Lesson Learned from this game: you drafted your Colts player too high.

Awful Team (Name) 66.93 The Goy's Teeth 116.10
This one was a spanking from the Andre-the-Giant-sized hand of Mike Frank. In a battle of terrible team name - c'mon people, are we even trying anymore?! - Sean's squad didn't stand a chance. When your kicker goes down on the first play of the game, your RB leaves the game in the 1st quarter, and a tuna fish sandwich would have been a better start than your stud defense, you might be losing that week. Lesson Learned from this game: Mike Frank (Mike Frank!) has a legitimately good team. Could this be his year?

Motherfucker Jones 65.20 The Choot Spas 91.28
Thanks to Thomas Brady shitting all over the Dolphins "defense", Robby won this one easily over "Steve." Guessing that was little consolation last night. Plus Colston is out for a while, so this was one of those Tuesday morning where neither Steve or Robby woke up in bed together happy. Lesson Learned from this game: it's going to be a long season Dolfans.

Falafel 1st Class 109.18 FrayedEndsofSanity 88.44
Bradley put up a respectable score, but it wasn't enough to overcome the One-Oh-Niner from Travis. Despite drafting from a windtunnel that he showed up to an hour and a half late, Travis managed to get production from everyone not on the Atlanta Falcons. Lesson Learned from this game: Jeremy Maclin may still have mono or something.

The Electric Bacon 93.18 Captain Amerithong 79.91
Maine (the worst drafted team on paper) eked out a 14 point win over The Thong, who is still probably in Europe shoving baguettes into who knows where. Lesson Learned from this game: they don't play fantasy sports on paper, they play it in computers.


As you can see, there wasn't a single close game in our league this week. So it's been decided once and for all...who has started 1-0. Because next week is another week. And hope spring eternal. And nobody knows anything.

Love,
The Commish