Well slap my ass and call me Nancy, that was a heck of a way to start the year. And by "heck of a way, " I really mean, "feces-smearing crazy." And because nobody knew anything this year, there is plenty to recap. Let's get to it, shall we?
Major Blowhard 88.17 A Tiger in Africa? 68.13
In an early season rematch of last year's championship game, the Elder Cole exacted a meaningless measure of revenge thanks to the Bears Defense going off. Lesson Learned from this game: you drafted your Colts player too high.
Awful Team (Name) 66.93 The Goy's Teeth 116.10
This one was a spanking from the Andre-the-Giant-sized hand of Mike Frank. In a battle of terrible team name - c'mon people, are we even trying anymore?! - Sean's squad didn't stand a chance. When your kicker goes down on the first play of the game, your RB leaves the game in the 1st quarter, and a tuna fish sandwich would have been a better start than your stud defense, you might be losing that week. Lesson Learned from this game: Mike Frank (Mike Frank!) has a legitimately good team. Could this be his year?
Motherfucker Jones 65.20 The Choot Spas 91.28
Thanks to Thomas Brady shitting all over the Dolphins "defense", Robby won this one easily over "Steve." Guessing that was little consolation last night. Plus Colston is out for a while, so this was one of those Tuesday morning where neither Steve or Robby woke up in bed together happy. Lesson Learned from this game: it's going to be a long season Dolfans.
Falafel 1st Class 109.18 FrayedEndsofSanity 88.44
Bradley put up a respectable score, but it wasn't enough to overcome the One-Oh-Niner from Travis. Despite drafting from a windtunnel that he showed up to an hour and a half late, Travis managed to get production from everyone not on the Atlanta Falcons. Lesson Learned from this game: Jeremy Maclin may still have mono or something.
The Electric Bacon 93.18 Captain Amerithong 79.91
Maine (the worst drafted team on paper) eked out a 14 point win over The Thong, who is still probably in Europe shoving baguettes into who knows where. Lesson Learned from this game: they don't play fantasy sports on paper, they play it in computers.
As you can see, there wasn't a single close game in our league this week. So it's been decided once and for all...who has started 1-0. Because next week is another week. And hope spring eternal. And nobody knows anything.
Love,
The Commish
