Howdy folks!
Hope you're all enjoying the new season this fall as much as I am. Time to put on our 20/20 hindsight vision and recap this muthah...
Major Blowhard 96.43 Stupid Yard Marker 81.64
So Seanie already gets the prize for most injuries in a season. With two and a half men (Vick and Charles and...Floyd) getting hurt this week, if it keeps going like this, the last man standing on his team will be Ryan Torain. That can't be good. At this point, Sean's hopes for making the playoffs are already grimm, and he's really just hoping the entire Pittsburgh defense doesn't die in a bus crash. ... Meanwhile, Vick's injury spared your trusty Commish from having to stay up all night to watch the Eagles game, coasting to an easy victory despite Antonio Gates getting shut out when the Pats defense decided to cover him with 11 guys each time.
A Tiger in Africa? 103.35 Captain Amerithong 101.67
Here at the office of the Commissioner, we've heard an unforgettable story about the late Milton Berle. Somebody challenged him to a "who's bigger?" contest once, and Berle soundly defeated the guy, then bragged with glee to someone else in the room, "I only pulled out enough to win." That was Brother Cole this week. He's gotten so...well...cocky, that he didn't even bother to start a Defense at all and beat Thong anyhow. He claims that he just didn't want to chuck anyone and make them free agents, but nope, that was a total Berle. ... On the flip side, if Brother Cole was the "biggest," then Rich was the biggest loser. Despite 101 points raising hope for a win, he ended up with a total of -.27 points from his WR2 and WR3 positions. That ain't gonna produce many happy endings.
Motherfucker Jones 117.55 The Goy's Teeth 76.84
And now we move to the middle of the pack, where Stevie and MFrank are chillaxing as usual. A win one week, a loss the next. That's how they roll the bones. Well, this week was Steve's turn to put the smack down.
The X-Factor for him was Matthew Stafford, out of the SEC, putting up a huge 28 points for the Detroit Lions of all teams. Throw in Rob Gronkowski as another person of interest, and Steve has something interesting going on with his team. But don't worry - it will all come falling down soon enough. Meanwhile, MFrank will continue to stay on the fringe of respectability and get his revenge next time. Or possibly not. Who the hell knows?
Falafel 1st Class 117.42 The Choot Spas 84.60
Once upon a time in our league, you could count on Falafel to be around the top of the standings. He wasn't particularly a gifted man per se, but he did have an ample amount of time to makes moves, post on the community message board, and generally give a shit. But lately, with not even parenthood as an excuse, he's somehow been too busy to do anything around here but suck off the occasional Cam Newton. Things, however, appear to be different this year. He's got first place locked down and he's kicking ass all over the house. And the ass in question this week was the ample one of Robert Friedman. Not even the supernatural force of that ass, however, could make up for starting Hines Ward, Jacoby Jones, and Reggie Bush.
The Electric Bacon 132.16 FrayedEndsofSanity 124.81
The new girl in the league is making a play for the cup. Ms. Maine's much maligned team on paper is a dead ringer for the '72 Dolphins so far, as she's crushed it hard her first two weeks. (If it wasn't for Falafel, she'd be queen of the castle right now.) This time, Ms. Maine won in a big time shootout with Mrs. Mazzle, who should call the cops she got robbed so badly this week. It's hard to swallow putting up 124 points and losing, but swallow it she did, with the prime suspect on her team being number "1" draft pick Chris Johnson. Chris Johnson is more worthless than a eunuch at the Playboy club. More worthless than a Dennis Northcutt waiver claim. And more worthless than Travis's mom. That is all.
So who's gonna man up next week? Stay tuned for Football Night in America!
- The Commish
