Well that pretty much sucked. Unless you live west of the Mississippi and/or are lactose intolerant, you probably came out of the weekend feeling pretty despondent about the state of more than one of your teams - college, pro, fantasy, and otherwise. Anyhow let's check the Misery Level (ML) for the lot of us....
Motherfucker 90.16 ---- ML: distressed (aka Steve)
Major Blowhard 45.19 ---- ML: pessimistic
After getting the ever-loving crap kicked out of him, your trusty commish is suddenly pessimistic about his team. With Gates hobbled and his receivers unpredictable, he has no idea who's catching the ball from week to week. And if you can't catch, you can't win. Throw in the results from the Atlanta Braves, Miami Dolphins, Virginia Cavaliers, and Jim Courier, and it adds up to a shitty weekend. ... Meanwhile, Stevie kicked ass here, plus got wins from his Giants and Gators, but he's still Steve; and thus he's distressed about something or other. He's worried about what QB to start next week, or that the Gators are home underdogs to Alabama, or that Pink Floyd will never get back together, or that he can't eat pizza, or that his dick is too small to ever please a woman. Dude - just enjoy your 45 point thrashing of me for a minute will ya?!? (OK, I might be the distressed one here. Moving on...)
An Asshole in Africa? 70.56 --- ML: heartbroken
Stupid Sean 61.67 --- ML: woebegone
This low scoring affair (like college for these guys) came down to Monday Night's Field-Goal-a-rama, which did Seanie no favors. He has a boatload of injuries, the worst record in the league, the least total points scored, and the fashion sense of a young Urkel. Not good times. At least his Steelers looked impressive against Indy. And while you might think that Brother Cole is on top of the world, think again. He favorite band broke up this week and his best receiver tore his ACL, MCL, and some ligament doctors hadn't even discovered yet. All the best brother. All the best.
Falafel Coach 110.16 --- ML: pensive
The Boy's Teeth 83.58 --- ML: glum
Except for his Hoos losing to Southern Missouri School for Retarded Gerbils, Travis is on top of the world. What were the odds that he and the Detroit Lions would BOTH be 3-0 to start the year? Still, he has to wonder if Cam Newton and Wes Welker can keep this shit up. This week, however, they did plenty to send Mike Frank to 1-2. Glum Mike Frank will finish 7-7 as usual and just miss the playoffs.
The Electric Bacon 2: Electric Boogaloo 110.74 --- ML: out of sorts
The Chutzpahs 74.47 --- ML: down-in-the-mouth
Maine is only out of sorts from the large quantities of bacon, beer, and other assorted artery cloggers that are constantly in his system. Other than that, he's feelin damn good. Hell, even his Raiders are playing well. (Sidenote: Is it really possible that the Bills, Raiders, and Titans are all good teams this year? If so, that reconfirms my previously stated belief that I don't know anything. What the hell man? What the hell?? ... Balls.) Meanwhile, thanks to a female friend of his that may or may not have once had a penis, Robby's condition has improved since Sunday night from suicidal to merely "down-in-the-mouth." And don't ask me what I mean by down-in-the-mouth, because I have no idea. Just sounds dirty.
Big and Rich 88.08 --- ML: blue
Bad Luck Brad 81.51 --- ML: lugubrious
The story here is Bitter Bradley, who has the 3rd most total points in the league and a big fat 0-3 to show for it. Also, he's still holding onto Peyton Manning for some unknown reason. Isn't he cute, ladies and gentlemen? So Happy 35th Birthday, dude!!! Keep fucking that chicken! ... Rich won, but he's still 1-2 and his team still sucks, so he's blue like a smurf.
In conclusion, Id just like to state that the Dolphins are horrible and their secondary is horrible and they can’t kick field goals and they can’t hold on to the ball and they can’t manage the clock and they need to fire their offensive coordinator and fire their defensive backs coach and I don’t really feel like watching them every again in my life, at least until next Sunday where I’ll be on the couch at 4:15 because I’m a sucker like that.
So there.
- The Commish
