Week 8 Recap

Private Privates Kicks Overpaid QBs Ass to Grab First Place

Private Privates (6-2, 736.25 points) claims the mantle as the league’s overlord after beating Overpaid QBs (ninth place, no hope) 103.17 - 85.36. They also put up the highest point total in the league this week, putting everyone and their mothers to shame. Overpaid QBs can't find any answers, is on a four-game losing streak, and is bald. Matthew Stafford racked up the second-highest score in the league this week with 29.84 points for Overpaid QBs, adding an ironic twist to his losing team’s name.  Overpaid QBs are now currently the third-most ironic team in the league, trailing only Larry’s Homework and Sad But True.

Private Privates Smooth Moves

• Doug Martin had 26.27 points, the highest RB score of the week and the second-highest RB score in the league this season.  He looks like Ray Rice, only not really.
• LeSean McCoy had 16.47 points, the second-highest score among RBs in the league this week.  He is awesome even though the Eagles suck.
• Stevan Ridley had the fourth-highest score among RBs in the league this week with 14.47 points.  He ate fish and chips for 4 out of his 5 dinners in London.
• Private Privates shaved their crotch.  They are like a Ken doll down there.

Overpaid QBs Regret Tracker

• Overpaid QBs picked up Brent Celek, who then fell short of his 4.38-point projection by falling asleep on the team bus and missing the game.
• The Minnesota Vikings Defense scored the fewest points in the league with -3.00 and caused the Overpaid QBs to switch over to watch Parks and Recreation by the middle of the second quarter.  Parks and Recreation is the second-funniest sitcom on Television.
• The RBs for Overpaid QBs got outscored 57.21 - 19.86 by the RBs for Private Privates, leaving the Overpaid QBs to wonder where it all went wrong on draft day.
• It was a season-low 2.33 points for Reggie Bush this week.  It was a season-high ass-kicking of the Jets by the Dolphins.
• Of the 10 starters on Overpaid QBs, 6 underperformed versus their projections, 2 over-performed, 1 sub-performed, and 1 averagely-performed.

What If

• If Private Privates played Overpaid QBs every week, they would be 7-1 this season and not invited over to watch the Overpaid QBs Direct TV anymore.
• Private Privates would have been undefeated if they played every team in the league this week.  So suck on that.
• Had they played each other last week, Private Privates would have defeated Overpaid QBs 75.47 - 75.19.  This is the third-most useless statistic in this recap.
• If Private Privates had played every team in the league each week, they would be 47-25.  They would trail only the San Francisco Giants in the NL West.
• Besides Private Privates, Overpaid QBs would have been defeated by four other teams this week.  So that’s something, we guess.
• If they played every team every week, Overpaid QBs would be 21-51 and would somehow fall to eleventh place.

Game Notes

• Three of the six losses for Overpaid QBs this season have come when their opponent scores higher than their season average if you factor in fractional points.  Which you shouldn’t.
• With the loss, Overpaid QBs has the longest losing streak in the league, stretching back four straight games.  He also has the shortest erection in the league, stretching out four straight inches.
• Although Private Privates won, it was no thanks to Dwayne Bowe, who scored 4.33 points and has now scored below his projection in three straight weeks.  Dwayne Bowe wants to be traded this week and has now called his agent 47 times in the past 23 days.
• Private Privates got 77.5% of their points from players they drafted in a sleep-deprived stupor.
• The margin of victory of 17.81 points was the second-highest margin in the league this week, thus the aforementioned ass-kicking.

Bacon Cthulhu Gets Win Against Larry's Homework, And By Proxy, The Man

Bacon Cthulhu (seventh place, 3-5, 698.82 points, false hope) pushes Larry's Homework (6-2, 731.05 points, pushing 40) out of first place after “beating” them 94.27 - 82.93.  Rob Gronkowski led Bacon Cthulhu with 2 rediculous touchdown dances while Sebastian Janikowski ate an entire roast pig for his pregame meal. With this win, Bacon Cthulhu scored 1.2% more than projected and has now beaten himself off three weeks running. Larry's Homework was led by the Miami Dolphins Fighting Cameron Wakes with 22.00 points and Drew Brees who scored 14.39, but secretly kind of sucked this week.

Bacon Cthulhu Smooth Moves

• Rob Gronkowski brought in 21.73 points, which was good enough to bed the ninth ranked porn-star in Vivid’s roster.
• The 14.00 points by Sebastian Janikowski topped a projected 8.25, extending his overachievement streak to three weeks, and earning him his third straight overachievement steak.
• With 12.27 points, Matt Forte ranked eighth in scoring among all RBs in the league this week, which is what he should be doing every week Bacon Cthulhu says goddammit.
• Bacon Cthulhu won even though he secretly prefers Santana’s “Smooth” to Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal.”

Larry's Homework Regret Tracker

• Picked up and started Rashad Jennings, who then scored below his 10.18-point projection with 5.67 points, much to Overpaid QBs joy.
• Tony Gonzalez was last on the team in scoring with 1.93 points, 29.4% of his projected 6.56, which is his lowest percentage of the season.  He is 86 years old.
• Larry's Homework was dominated at the TE position, which is how he likes it.
• Of the 10 starters on Larry's Homework, 7 underperformed versus their projections.  But 10 out of 10 starters love their mommas very much.

What If

• Bacon Cthulhu would be 2-6 and even more bitter if they played Larry's Homework every week.
• Besides Larry's Homework, Bacon Cthulhu would have defeated five other teams this week including you.
• If Bacon Cthulhu had played every team in the league each week, they would be 36-36, equivalent to a buck average percentage. 
• Besides Bacon Cthulhu, Larry's Homework would have been defeated by five midgets this week.
• Bacon Cthulhu would have lost to Larry's Homework 101.74 - 98.43 had they played each other last week.  That is still useless to know.
• If they played the same schedule as Bacon Cthulhu, Larry's Homework would be 2-5.  Which is mathematically impossible after Week 8.  The fuck?
• Larry's Homework would be 45-27 if they played every team every week.  Also impossible.

Game Notes

• Bacon Cthulhu beat their scoring projection for the fifth time this season by scoring 94.27 points against a projected 93.13. They have now overachieved three weeks in a row, but alas not in life.
• Bacon Cthulhu was able to cover the 8.61-point spread in the win.  Vegas lost money on this one.
• Larry's Homework had their three-game win streak snapped back to reality in the loss. 
• Although Bacon Cthulhu won, it was no thanks to Hakeem Nicks, who scored 3.07 points and has now scored below his projection in three straight weeks.  Fookin bum!!!
• DeSean Jackson scored 3.93 points against a projected 5.86 in the win, and has now scored below his projection in three straight games.  This fucker too!!
• Bacon Cthulhu got 73.5% of their points from players they drafted.  That figure does not include the 17 kickers he drafted.

'Twas the Middle One Gets Victory over Hurricane Falafel, Climbs to Fifth Place

In spite of finishing with just the eighth-highest point total in the league this week, 'Twas the Middle One (4-4, 656.24 points, bastard) managed to take down Hurricane Sandy Falafel, 77.05 - 64.10. 'Twas the Middle One got damn lucky, but also came close to hitting their 82.03-point season average (93.9%).  So not only lucky, but predictably bad.  'Twas the Middle One once gave a genie a blow job, helping them reach fifth place even though they rank just eighth in total points. It was a rough outing for Hurricane Falafel, who fell to 4-4 (648.28 points) while also ending up ninth in points and first in douchebaggery.

'Twas the Middle One Smooth Moves

• With 14.80 points, Julio Jones ranked fifth in the league in scoring among WRs this week and first among WRs who sound like evil villains in a Spanish telenovela.
• The 11.13 points scored by Jason Witten was the second-highest point total among TEs without a spleen.
• 'Twas the Middle One was able to pull out his dick just enough with only 4 of their 10 starters exceeding their projected points.
• With 5.47 points versus a projected 4.14, Alex Green exceeded his scoring projection by 32.1% and the talent on the rest of the Packers by -14.6%.

Hurricane Falafel Regret Tracker

• Left Lawrence Tynes on the bench, where he scored a shitload of points.
• Hurricane Falafel picked up Mason Crosby, who scored 6.00 points, which are fewer points than a shitload.
• Hurricane Falafel had too much time on his hands during Hurricane Sandy, so decided he needed MORE KICKERS!
• The 1.53 points scored by Victor Cruz was the lowest total in the matchup and 16.6% of his projected point total of 9.19, which was no match for the sinister doings of his evil twin Julio Jones.
• The Arizona Cardinals Defense has now failed to reach their projection for four straight games. And the league has now failed to care.

What If

• If 'Twas the Middle One played Hurricane Falafel every week, they would be 4-4 this season.  And we would all be happy that one of them would lose every week.
• 'Twas the Middle One would have beaten only one other team besides Hurricane Falafel this week – the Washington Generals.
• 'Twas the Middle One would have defeated Hurricane Falafel 96.68 - 54.02 had they played each other last week.  Really?  This stat again?
• If they played the same schedule as Hurricane Falafel, 'Twas the Middle One would be 2-5.  Of course they would.
• If 'Twas the Middle One had played every team in the league each week, they would be 29-43.  They would also get divorced due to tracking too many games at once.
• Besides 'Twas the Middle One, Hurricane Falafel would have been defeated by seven other teams this week.  He also would have been defeated by inertia.  Get up off the fuckin couch for a change, fatty!
• Pigs flew?

Game Notes

• Even though Hurricane Falafel lost, they had two players score higher than the leading scorer for 'Twas the Middle One.  That was the fifth-biggest moral victory this season.
• 'Twas the Middle One covered the 4.52-point spread, winning by 12.95 points.  He also covered the spread at his local Denny’s.
• Despite being on the winning team, Eli Manning had a season-low 2.04 points against a projected 15.69 and has now underachieved in three straight games and in his family.
• The loss was the third humiliating loss in a row for Hurricane Falafel.
• With 37.61 points, 'Twas the Middle One got the highest combined scoring output from the WR position for any horribly-named team this week.

 

Sad But True Spanks Duck Butter ß Didn’t even have to change that headline

Sad But True got 14.87 points from Eric Decker and 13.99 from Aaron Rodgers, stomping Duck Butter, 86.80 - 59.77.  Stomping Duck Butter would make a great band name.  It was an epic beating, and the 27.03-point margin of victory is the seventh-highest in the league this season, which I suppose is good.  Duck Butter was done in by a substantial drop in scoring from last week and from generally having a horrible team. Sad But True (3-5, 673.46 points) remains mired in eighth place and Duck Butter (1-7, 692.80 points) stays mired in last place.  Rick Mirer remains mired in obscurity.

Sad But True Smooth Moves

• The Chicken Dance
• The Macarena
• The Worm
• The Sprinkler
• The Beavis and Butthead

Duck Butter Regret Tracker

• His draft day strategy
• His transactions
• His haircut
• His fashion sense
• His DNA
• That one time in College

What If

• Sad But True would be 3-5 if they played Duck Butter every week.  But they ARE 3-5.  I’m confused.
• Besides Duck Butter, Sad But True would have defeated four other teams of lawyers this week.
• Duck Butter would have been beaten by every single other team in the league this week, to add more insult here.
• Had they played each other last week, Sad But True would have lost to Duck Butter 90.46 - 77.83.  No!!!  Stop it!!!!
• If they played the same schedule as Sad But True, Duck Butter would be 4-3 and headed for a Sugar Bowl berth.
• Duck Butter would be 36-36 if they played every team every week using some sort of time travel machine like a Delorean maybe?
• The queen had balls?

Game Notes

• This gimmick is getting old.

Thongmetheus Pulls Off Come, back over Free Pussy Riot, Puts Them in, Third Place

Thongmetheus registered the second-highest score of the week and erased a 10.50-point deficit on Monday night, enraging Free Pussy Riot 95.65 - 94.75. This was a matchup that could have gone either way, like Elton John, with the 0.90-point margin of victory being the second-smallest recorded in the league this season.  The first-smallest Shall Not Be Named.  Tom Brady, with 30.28 points and dashing good looks, racked up the highest score for the week and scored the best rack of the week.  Free Pussy Riot (6-2, 700.55 points) drops to third place like a chump while Thongmetheus (5-3, 707.32 points) remains in fourth place and is now guaranteed to make the playoffs.

Thongmetheus Smooth Moves

• The 24.44 points scored by Matt Ryan ranked fourth in the league in scoring this week and second for any player on Thongmetheus this season.  So bitter!
• Brandon Lloyd ranked sixth in the league in scoring among British WRs this week with 13.87 points.
• The 7.87 points were a season-high for Steve Smith, which was the difference in beating Steve Pissed.

Free Pussy Riot Regret Tracker

• With 0.67 points, Jamaal Charles was last on the team in scoring and got only 7.6% of his 8.82 projected points, not that Romeo Crennel noticed.
• It was not a good week for Free Pussy Riot at TE, where they were beaten 10.20 - 0.93.  Antonio Gates is the second-most likely TE to be murdered with a sledgehammer by Free Pussy Riot.
• With 0.93 points, Antonio Gates had his lowest output of the season and tallied just 12.2% of his 7.65 projected points, his lowest percentage of the year.
• Free Pussy Riot had 6 of their 10 starters score less than their projected points, not earning themselves any Halloween candy.

What If

• Thongmetheus would be 4-4 if they played Free Pussy Riot every week.  They will be 7-7 at the end of the season, with 100% probability.
• Besides Free Pussy Riot, Thongmetheus would have defeated seven other dwarves this week.
• Thongmetheus would be 6-1 if they played the same schedule as Free Pussy Riot.  But they didn’t.
• Free Pussy Riot would have lost to just one other team besides Thongmetheus this week.  Yeah, Private Privates motherfucker.
• Thongmetheus would have lost to Free Pussy Riot 83.30 - 81.55 had they played each other last week.  Fuck this shit!!!
• You spelled Dog, C-A-T?

Game Notes

• Hope everyone is safe after Hurricane Sandy
• Have a Happy Halloween!!!

Trick-or-Treat sonofabitches!

-The Commish