Playoff Recap and Year-End Awards

Thanks to everyone for another festive season.  There’s not much to be said about the playoffs this year that hasn’t already been said, thought, tweeted, or tattooed on Travis’s mom’s ass.

The Cole Brothers are full of regret.  Michael for trading me Chris Johnson, which was the sole difference in him not winning another championship.   And me for not outbidding Rich for Matt Ryan at the draft; and then leaving Flacco on my bench yesterday.   But we both got beat fair and square.

Steve-O, on the other hand, rues nothing!  He brought his A-game this year.  Sometimes you just lay a turd in the playoffs.  So no regrets there.  Just a new source of bitterness.

Finally, congrats to you Thong!!!  If someone had to win it besides me, I would have wanted it to be Steve.  And then Mike Frank.   But after them, totally you.  Enjoy the Chicken Bone Cup on your mantel – hope you can get the Falafel smell out.

Oh, and Mike Frank takes the Jean Shorts!!!   I think a picture of him wearing them should be his team avatar next season.


Let’s close the book on this season with a few awards:

Best Team Name:  Thongmetheus – Even his team name was good this year.
Worst Team Name: (tie.) Duck Butter and Larry’s Homework.   C’mon guys – let’s put a little more effort into team names next year.

Most Underpaid:  RGIII, $2, Maine
Sean Forman Memorial Most Overpaid:  Matt Stafford, $32, Sean Forman

Best Message Board Quote: "15 fucking weeks for nothing. You can all suck a lizard's dick. I'm rooting for Thong (in more ways than one). Seacrest out, fuckers!”  - Steve
Worst Message Board Quote: "Fuck My Life" – Falafel AND Steve

Best Luck: Brother Cole (11th year in a row)
Worst Luck: Is there any doubt on this one?  Robby Feldman, in a unanimous decision.

Best Trade:  Commish trading Stevan Ridley for Chris Johnson
Worst Trade: Maine trading Jamaal Charles for 2 Kickers.

Best Waiver Wire Pickup:  Knowshon Moreno, Commish
Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Your Moms
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup: Brandon Myers, multiple people

Waiver Wire Champ:  The winner and still champion – Steve!   He had to come from behind to win it.  Also pick up a lot of dudes.  And also make a lot of transactions.
Waiver Wire Chump: Robby, who checked out faster than his wife during sex.

Best Hair and Makeup: Bradley

Post of the Year:  Commish, Week 8 Recap

Poster of the Year:  Giving this award for quantity, not quality this year.  You could stop Falafel from winning again, but you could not contain the douchiness.  He was all over the board this year, with inane post after inane post.  So congrats! (Or something!)

Mr Irrelevant: Maine

Peace Out and Merry New Year!!!
- The Commish

Week 14 Recap

Wow, that was some finish to the regular season.  It was simultaneously very predictable and very unpredictable - with an M. Night Shamalamadingdong twist at the end.  So what’s the last word on this season of parity?  Let’s recap…

Private Privates  92.86   Duck Butter   62.41         

Robby finishes out his record-setting season with one of his worst losses of the season.  I think his team might have quit on him and are just waiting till after Week 17 to give him the axe.   He managed to tie the league record for most losses in a season, break the record for hardest schedule strength, and shatter the record for how many marshmallows he could shove in his mouth while saying “Fluffy Bunny.”  So he’s still got all that going for him.  .. Meanwhile,  your trusty Commish clinches the #2 seed in the playoffs to set up another goddam matchup with….

'Twas the Middle One 98.84       Sad But True  49.12         

Brother Cole takes care of business, winning 7 of his last 8 games to make the playoffs yet again, despite only having the 6^th most total points.  Cole Bowl XVII is officially on.  … Meanwhile, Bradley’s season is kaput after losing pretty convincingly the last two weeks.   The lesson he can take from his season is that…hmm…well, in times of….hmmm…that’s not right…he needs to draft….hmm…no…hmm….ok.  Fine, there is no lesson to be learned;  these things just happen sometimes.   So chin up, Mazzle – you’ll get ‘em next year. 

Free Pussy Riot 114.73   Bacon Cthulhu  63.72    

Steve cruises into the playoffs as the #1 seed, not even bothering to rest his starters.  His team is completely dominant, akin to the 1984 Dolphins, the 1990 Bills, the 1968 Colts, and the 2007 Patriots. … On the losing end, Maine learned that you can only subsist on bacon and false hope for so long.   They’re both gonna get ya in the end.

FantasyGodsLoveRobby  96.99  Adequately Paid QBs  66.15       

Sean had Cam Newton on the bench this week.  If that doesn’t sum up his season, I don’t know what else does.  … Falafel won big, but it was too-little too-late.  But at least he’s not making excuses for his season.  Only a complete douche-bag would do that…

Thongmetheus   149.70    Larry's Homework 64.35

So, in the least surprising result since Travis’s mom contracted Syphilis, Rich beat up on Mike Frank to even both of their records.  Mike Frank chokes things away and just barely misses the playoffs yet again.  It all went downhill for him after he destroyed me in week 7 and angered the fantasy gods by actually telling me, quote “I made you my bitch this week.”  He was punished the rest of the way for his hubris.  .. ..On the flip side, Rich finished 7-7 yet again, and yet again, finished….WAIT!... Do you hear that music?... in soft tones…Thong th thong thong thong… Is that Siquo I hear?...

I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong!!!!!!!!!!!!

THONG! 

At long last, Thong overcomes his mediocrity with a monster final game to catapult him from 7^th place to 4^th place.  All the results came up Thong this week, and he has now made the playoffs for – I believe - the first time ever.   Congratufreakinlations!!!

Can he take down the Steve Machine?  Which Cole will the winner face?  Will we have a new champion this year?  Will Robby ever get rid of that yeast infection?  So many questions!   So little time!

Stay tuned!

- The Commish

Playoff Scenarios

Can’t remember a season where there were still 6 teams fighting over 2 playoff spots with only 1 week left.   So here are more playoff scenarios than you can shake your dick at…

Short Version

Steve – He’s in.  And a horrible person.

Commish – Despite the 3-game losing streak and thanks to Maine’s win over Brad last night, he’s in. 

Michael – Win this week and he’s in.  Lose and he needs MFrank to lose too. 

MFrank – Win this week and he’s in.  Lose and he needs help.

Bradley – Win this week and he’s in.  Lose and he needs a lot of help.

Maine – Win and he needs a lot of help.  Lose and he’s out.

Thong – Win and he needs a whole bunch of help.  Lose and he’s out.

Falafel – Win and he needs a shitload of help.  Lose and he’s out.

Long Version (courtesy of BrotherCole and NOT fact checked)

Steve – In as the #1 seed.  Clearly the best team in the league and there is no way he can possibly lose the championship this year. 

Jason – Win and he’s the #2 seed.  A loss with a Michael win and a Mike Frank loss and he’ll be the #3 seed.  Loss with a Michael win and a Mike Frank win while outscoring Jason by 35.04 and he’ll be the #4 seed. 

Michael – Win and a Jason loss and he’s the #2 seed.  Win and a Jason win and he’s the #3 seed.  Loss and a Mike Frank loss and he’s the #4 seed. 

Mike Frank – Win and a Michael loss and does not get outscored by Brad by 21.3 and he’s the #3 seed.  More than 21.3 and he’s the #4 seed.  Win and a Michael win and outscoring Jason by 35.04 and he’s the #3 seed.   Less than 35.04 and he’s the #4 seed.

Brad – Win and a Mike Frank loss or Mike Frank win but outscores Mike Frank by 21.3 and he’s the #3 seed.  Win and a Mike Frank win but doesn’t outscore Mike Frank by 21.3 and he’s the #4 seed.

Maine – Needs to win with a Michael win, a Mike Frank loss, and to outscore both Mike Frank by 35.47 and Brad by 14.26 while not getting outscored by Rich by 1.99 to be the #4 seed.

Rich – Needs to win with a Michael win and to outscore Mike Frank by 37.45, Brad by 16.25, and Maine by 1.99 (if Maine wins) to be the #4 seed.

Travis – Needs to win with a Michael win, a Mike Frank loss, a Maine loss, and to outscore Mike Frank by 42.78, Brad by 21.28, Maine by 7.02, and Rich by 5.04 to be the #4 seed. 

Predicted Version

- Steve gets the top seed, as that’s locked in already.  He’ll beat Maine this week for good measure. 

- The second seed goes to your trusty Commish, whose team is rounding into shape for a long playoff run.  Final Score this week:  Commish 150.00- Robby 149.17

- The third seed will go to Bradley, who pulls out a close win against Brother Cole. 

- Brother Cole gets the fourth seed when Mike Frank loses to Thong.  Mike Frank narrowly misses the playoffs, while Thong finishes 7-7 and in 5^th place. 

- That was almost too easy.

Bonus Prediction

- Steve wins the Chicken Bone Cup on December 22 and the apocalypse begins.  The Mayans were one day off. 

Happy Hanukkah Bitches!

- The Commish