Howdy Folks,
Before getting into the festive Week 3 recap, a few words about the alleged NFL team, the Miami Dolphins.
The really sad thing, to me, is that all of the players and coaches are actually trying really hard. They really are. And this is the BEST that they can do. They simply can't do any better. They are just not good at doing the one thing that they are paid to do - play professional football. They are not bad people. They are just bad at football. At this point, I just feel sorry for them. And they still have to play 13 more games.
Now for this week's recap, sponsored by Google Autocomplete suggestions....
Commish Choad 121 - SteveO 80
When I type the phrase "steve is a" into Google, the 2nd suggestion is "steve
is a scuba diver who is concerned". And he should be concerned after that performance! It's still early in the season, but that was quite the steep drop underwater from first to fifth for Steve. Plus, the new Pink Floyd album just got delayed! See - Steve should have saved his bitching. He blew his wad last week, and he probably doesn't have any vitriol left...
BaconCraft 135 - ShitStain 125
More fun with Google's Autocomplete:
"Jermaine is here" (1st suggestion)
"Jermaine is gay" (2nd suggestion)
Three weeks into the season, and it's already been a wild ride for Maine. RGIII, AP, Ryan Matthews, Moreno, etc. Somehow though, his team is way better than you'd expect considering all the auction money already flushed down the toilet. He's 2-1 and scrappin! Donald Brown! (However, when you consider Peterson, Cooper, and Boldin, there are a large percentage of assholes on his team. And I'm just betting Zach Ertz is a dick too.)
Sean Forman 115 - Mike Cole 106
Once again, Google Autocomplete has the answers. When I type in the phrase "why is my brother", the very first suggestion is "why is my brother retarded". (No surprise there.) Meanwhile, the first suggestion is for "sean is" - "sean is awesome". (Good for him!) ... At 0-3 it's already starting to look like another lost season for Mike Cole. Can he turn it around against me next week with half my team on bye? It's now or never....
Bradley 113 - Mike Frank 80
I couldn't love these first suggestions more:
"bradley is a girl's name"
"mike is a theory"
Bradley surges back into second place with her team getting big weeks from Matty Ryan and Jeremy Maclin and probably some other guys too. She convincingly beat Mike Frank, who - according to the Mike Theory of Mediocrity - must have been on an off week.
Thong 109 - Robby 69
This one was off the board in Vegas before it even started. They couldn't make the point spread high enough. You can't stop Thong, you can only hope to contain him. I think Google suggests it best - "rich is gangsta"
Cheers,
"commish is wise"
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Week 2 Recap
Hey Gang,
Here are some reader-suggested subtitles for this week's recap:
Week 2: Where everyone's players got hurt or arrested
Week 2: Where the total scores regressed to the mean
Week 2: The One with the Monkey
Week 2: Electric Boogaloo
Week 2: Where Reality Sets In.
Falafel 112 - Colonel Choad 102
Thanks to the Legion of Poop and Andrew the Giant, Falafel takes this one by a nose. More importantly, he needs to stop changing his damn team name.
His three and only three options are:
1. Leave name as is
2. Change name to something Falafel-based and leave it at that
3. Keep changing names and be refereed to in this recap, on the message boards, etc. for the rest of this season as "Shit-Stain".
BaconCraft 110 - Fudge 95
Question: What does Maine have in common with Jay Gruden?
Answer: The injury to RGIII lets him avoid a season long QB controversy and start the better player.
This week Maine started Russell Wilson and found himself in the win column. Also, Jordy Freaking Nelson!!!
Meanwhile, Robby "Fudge" Friedman is at 2-1 odds in Vegas to be the Auction Bitch next year.
Steve 123 - Mike Frank 116
Mike Frank 99 - Mike Cole 89
So let me get this straight... Steve is undefeated, in first place, and couldn't be more bitter? And Mike Frank has a mediocre team that is 1-1 on the season? You gotta be shitting me!!!! C'mon...is this opposite day or something? No way anyone could have predicted that. Next you'll be telling me that Sean is bald or Mike Cole is making excuses for his terrible team.
As far as the football stuff goes, that seems like a lot of effort for me to analyze and type up. So what you should do, is go back to Yahoo and look at the box scores yourself and then you'll know what happened. Problem solved!!!
Thong 99 - Mazzle 83
Here's a fun fact: Bradley somehow managed to score almost exactly half of his point total from last week. That is hard to do. He's 1-1.
Here's another fun fact: Before Draft Weekend, for practice, Thong does mock drafts while parachuting out of an airplane. That way he's prepared for anything under pressure. He's 2-0.
Cheers,
The Commish
Here are some reader-suggested subtitles for this week's recap:
Week 2: Where everyone's players got hurt or arrested
Week 2: Where the total scores regressed to the mean
Week 2: The One with the Monkey
Week 2: Electric Boogaloo
Week 2: Where Reality Sets In.
Falafel 112 - Colonel Choad 102
Thanks to the Legion of Poop and Andrew the Giant, Falafel takes this one by a nose. More importantly, he needs to stop changing his damn team name.
His three and only three options are:
1. Leave name as is
2. Change name to something Falafel-based and leave it at that
3. Keep changing names and be refereed to in this recap, on the message boards, etc. for the rest of this season as "Shit-Stain".
BaconCraft 110 - Fudge 95
Question: What does Maine have in common with Jay Gruden?
Answer: The injury to RGIII lets him avoid a season long QB controversy and start the better player.
This week Maine started Russell Wilson and found himself in the win column. Also, Jordy Freaking Nelson!!!
Meanwhile, Robby "Fudge" Friedman is at 2-1 odds in Vegas to be the Auction Bitch next year.
Steve 123 - Mike Frank 116
Mike Frank 99 - Mike Cole 89
So let me get this straight... Steve is undefeated, in first place, and couldn't be more bitter? And Mike Frank has a mediocre team that is 1-1 on the season? You gotta be shitting me!!!! C'mon...is this opposite day or something? No way anyone could have predicted that. Next you'll be telling me that Sean is bald or Mike Cole is making excuses for his terrible team.
As far as the football stuff goes, that seems like a lot of effort for me to analyze and type up. So what you should do, is go back to Yahoo and look at the box scores yourself and then you'll know what happened. Problem solved!!!
Thong 99 - Mazzle 83
Here's a fun fact: Bradley somehow managed to score almost exactly half of his point total from last week. That is hard to do. He's 1-1.
Here's another fun fact: Before Draft Weekend, for practice, Thong does mock drafts while parachuting out of an airplane. That way he's prepared for anything under pressure. He's 2-0.
Cheers,
The Commish
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Week 1 Recap
Howdy Folks,
And we're off! And Holy Crap, those are some high point totals! Thanks to the crazy new scoring changes, where you get 0.5 points for every catch, 1 point for every 10 yards, 25 points for every concussion, and 36.5 points for every woman you punch, no one has any bloody idea what a good score is anymore. (I suppose we can say that under 100 for the week is usually going to lose, but really, who the hell knows yet...)
Let's dig into the box scores, shall we?
Choad 135 - Bacon 75
Between Russell Wilson, Knowshon Moreno, Zach Ertz, and Anquan Boldin, those were some damn impressive double digit scorers for Maine. Unfortunately ALL of of those guys were on his bench, sipping cowboy whiskey and watching his starters suck balls. I know it's early, but this seems like it might be the season of Complete and Utter Mismanagement (C.U.M.) where Maine picks the wrong starters every single week. Stay tuned....
Sean 118 - Falafel (pick a name with Falafel in it and stick with it dammit!) 104
Thanks to $4 Vernon (his new nickname) and his phat 18 TE points, Sean edged Travis in the closest matchup of the weekend. And that was with a down week from Rodgers and Demaryius. Seems like someone doesn't want to be Auction Bitch again! .. Meanwhile, Falafel is already scrambling now that he realizes his running backs are worthless.
O Steve My Steve 132 - Mike Frank's Gutterballs 99
Despite little production from TE, Kicker, or Defense, Steve wins this one handily. He's used to winning things handily! (You know...with his left hand.) (You know...like when he's by himself.) (You know...er...masturbation.) (Uh...never mind...let's move on...) ... On the flip side, Mike Frank's Master Plan has officially begun!!! (Hint...it apparently starts with Jamaaal Chaaarles sucking and probably finishes with a .500 record)
Thong 144 - Mike Cole 86
Meet the New Bruce, same as the Old Bruce. Mike Cole picks up where he left off last year, getting absolutely crushed. He might be stretched a bit too thin, given that he's in 17 leagues this year; these include: a standard league, a 2 QB league, a dynasty league, a PPR league, an IDP league, a 3 Kicker league, a TE only league, a league where the loser has to get a face tattoo, and the Ted Marshall Open TV Death Pool. .. On the other side of the ledger, Thong keeps chugging along with his winning ways. Maybe next year, he'll up the level of difficulty by drafting inside an active Volcano.
Mazzle 165 - Robby's Fudge 94
Though I don't really understand the new scoring yet, I think it's a reasonable assumption to make that 165 is "a good score." Damn Bradley! Way to go ape shit even with one Bernard Pierce behind your back. ... As for Robby, there's only one thing to say really....
Cheers,
The Commish
And we're off! And Holy Crap, those are some high point totals! Thanks to the crazy new scoring changes, where you get 0.5 points for every catch, 1 point for every 10 yards, 25 points for every concussion, and 36.5 points for every woman you punch, no one has any bloody idea what a good score is anymore. (I suppose we can say that under 100 for the week is usually going to lose, but really, who the hell knows yet...)
Let's dig into the box scores, shall we?
Choad 135 - Bacon 75
Between Russell Wilson, Knowshon Moreno, Zach Ertz, and Anquan Boldin, those were some damn impressive double digit scorers for Maine. Unfortunately ALL of of those guys were on his bench, sipping cowboy whiskey and watching his starters suck balls. I know it's early, but this seems like it might be the season of Complete and Utter Mismanagement (C.U.M.) where Maine picks the wrong starters every single week. Stay tuned....
Sean 118 - Falafel (pick a name with Falafel in it and stick with it dammit!) 104
Thanks to $4 Vernon (his new nickname) and his phat 18 TE points, Sean edged Travis in the closest matchup of the weekend. And that was with a down week from Rodgers and Demaryius. Seems like someone doesn't want to be Auction Bitch again! .. Meanwhile, Falafel is already scrambling now that he realizes his running backs are worthless.
O Steve My Steve 132 - Mike Frank's Gutterballs 99
Despite little production from TE, Kicker, or Defense, Steve wins this one handily. He's used to winning things handily! (You know...with his left hand.) (You know...like when he's by himself.) (You know...er...masturbation.) (Uh...never mind...let's move on...) ... On the flip side, Mike Frank's Master Plan has officially begun!!! (Hint...it apparently starts with Jamaaal Chaaarles sucking and probably finishes with a .500 record)
Thong 144 - Mike Cole 86
Meet the New Bruce, same as the Old Bruce. Mike Cole picks up where he left off last year, getting absolutely crushed. He might be stretched a bit too thin, given that he's in 17 leagues this year; these include: a standard league, a 2 QB league, a dynasty league, a PPR league, an IDP league, a 3 Kicker league, a TE only league, a league where the loser has to get a face tattoo, and the Ted Marshall Open TV Death Pool. .. On the other side of the ledger, Thong keeps chugging along with his winning ways. Maybe next year, he'll up the level of difficulty by drafting inside an active Volcano.
Mazzle 165 - Robby's Fudge 94
Though I don't really understand the new scoring yet, I think it's a reasonable assumption to make that 165 is "a good score." Damn Bradley! Way to go ape shit even with one Bernard Pierce behind your back. ... As for Robby, there's only one thing to say really....
Cheers,
The Commish
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