And we're off! And Holy Crap, those are some high point totals! Thanks to the crazy new scoring changes, where you get 0.5 points for every catch, 1 point for every 10 yards, 25 points for every concussion, and 36.5 points for every woman you punch, no one has any bloody idea what a good score is anymore. (I suppose we can say that under 100 for the week is usually going to lose, but really, who the hell knows yet...)
Let's dig into the box scores, shall we?
Choad 135 - Bacon 75
Between Russell Wilson, Knowshon Moreno, Zach Ertz, and Anquan Boldin, those were some damn impressive double digit scorers for Maine. Unfortunately ALL of of those guys were on his bench, sipping cowboy whiskey and watching his starters suck balls. I know it's early, but this seems like it might be the season of Complete and Utter Mismanagement (C.U.M.) where Maine picks the wrong starters every single week. Stay tuned....
Sean 118 - Falafel (pick a name with Falafel in it and stick with it dammit!) 104
Thanks to $4 Vernon (his new nickname) and his phat 18 TE points, Sean edged Travis in the closest matchup of the weekend. And that was with a down week from Rodgers and Demaryius. Seems like someone doesn't want to be Auction Bitch again! .. Meanwhile, Falafel is already scrambling now that he realizes his running backs are worthless.
O Steve My Steve 132 - Mike Frank's Gutterballs 99
Despite little production from TE, Kicker, or Defense, Steve wins this one handily. He's used to winning things handily! (You know...with his left hand.) (You know...like when he's by himself.) (You know...er...masturbation.) (Uh...never mind...let's move on...) ... On the flip side, Mike Frank's Master Plan has officially begun!!! (Hint...it apparently starts with Jamaaal Chaaarles sucking and probably finishes with a .500 record)
Thong 144 - Mike Cole 86
Meet the New Bruce, same as the Old Bruce. Mike Cole picks up where he left off last year, getting absolutely crushed. He might be stretched a bit too thin, given that he's in 17 leagues this year; these include: a standard league, a 2 QB league, a dynasty league, a PPR league, an IDP league, a 3 Kicker league, a TE only league, a league where the loser has to get a face tattoo, and the Ted Marshall Open TV Death Pool. .. On the other side of the ledger, Thong keeps chugging along with his winning ways. Maybe next year, he'll up the level of difficulty by drafting inside an active Volcano.
Mazzle 165 - Robby's Fudge 94
Though I don't really understand the new scoring yet, I think it's a reasonable assumption to make that 165 is "a good score." Damn Bradley! Way to go ape shit even with one Bernard Pierce behind your back. ... As for Robby, there's only one thing to say really....
Cheers,
The Commish
