Tuesday, December 23, 2014

100th Post - Thank You, Good Night

Why is this man smiling, even though he just lost 5 whole dollars and can no longer afford his toupee payments?



Because he just won the Chicken Bone Cup dammit!!!

Congrats to The Sausage King of Fairfax on his first championship, and thanks again to everyone for a festive season.


Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease,

- The Commish



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Monday, December 22, 2014

Year-End Awards

Well folks, we've come to the end of another wacky fantasy football season.   And this one, I gotta say, seemed even wackier than usual.  Between the league scoring changes, the random assortment of player injuries/suspensions/scandals, the frequent last minute heroics, and the unlikely championship matchup, I rarely had any idea what the fuck was going on.

So as the season wraps up tonight and we crown a brand new champion (no spoilers!), let's hand out our annual awards...


Best Draft Picks: Mike Evans (Falafel, $1), Demarco Murray (Sean, $35)
Worst Draft Pick:  Adrian Peterson (Maine, $54), Monte Balls (Steve, $43)

Best Team Name:  Thongtastic
Worst Team Name (4-way tie):  Colonel Choad, Haunted Fudge, How High 2 - Pgh RBs, Shit-Stained Falafel.  This was an awful year for team names!  They were all terrible!  Terrible!  Be better next season, people.

Most Bitter Owner (tie):  Bradley and Maine and Steve (lots of bitterness this year!)
Least Bitter Owner: Robby, because he forgot that he's in this league

Best Waiver Wire Pickup:  Odell Beckham, Jr.  (Mike Cole, too little too late)
Worst Waiver Wire Pickup:  Donte Moncrief (Commish)

Best Trade:  Commish, by default
Worst Trade:  Commish, by default

Waiver Wire Champ:  Steve for the 42nd consecutive year
Waiver Wire Chump:  Thong

Poster of the year:  Gonna have to give the nod to Falafel this year, with his constant douchy rabble-rousing.

Reclaiming His Rightful Place In The League As Jean Shorts Champion:  Thong-tha-thong-thong-thong!

Mr Irrelevant: Mike Cole



Peace Out,
- The Commish




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Thursday, December 18, 2014

Peanuts

Just because I don't feel like working today, here's the whole league and their corresponding Peanuts character (descriptions from Wikipedia).

Steve = Charlie Brown. The main character, an everyman with ever-changing mood and grace; both
befriended by all and ostracized by everyone; a loser-yet-leader who rises out of every downfall with shining hope and determination.

Robby = Peppermint Patty. A freckle-faced tomboy who loves Charlie Brown; leader of a baseball team and is one of Charlie Brown's rival managers.

Linus = Me. Charlie Brown's blanket-toting best friend; the most insecure but the smartest out of all the characters, with the most intellectualism; a philosopher and theologian.

Travis = Lucy. A crabby, malicious and moronic girl who likes to torment others often, especially Charlie Brown and Linus

Franklin = Maine. The African-American child; has smarts comparable to Linus; manages
a baseball team that has rivaled Charlie Brown's.

Mike Frank = Marcie. The bespectacled character; calls Peppermint Patty "Sir"; secretly likes Charlie Brown

Mike Cole = Rerun. Younger brother of Linus; often took his siblings' places and roles.

Rich = Violet. Lucy's best friend; a mean and snobby girl; served as an early love interest of Charlie Brown

Brad = Schroeder. A piano-playing character; Lucy's love interest; Charlie Brown's second best friend after Linus.

Sean = Pig-Pen. The character who attracts dust, making him very filthy.


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Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Happy Hanukkah From the Chicken Bone Cup


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Playoff Semis Recap

12 min

There are about 12 minutes left in this game and all four of us are independently convinced that we are going to lose. It's been that kind of season I suppose...

Choad....
2 minute warning and only now do I think I can win. Now I wait to see Mark Ingram get hurt and Pierre Thomas to have a 20 yard run to give Steven the win.
Crap. Ingram ran for a TD. Bears are going to get the ball back. Congrats Steve!
TD saints...nooooo!!! Bears get the ball back...still anyone can win with1:47 left...
Reply
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
Reply
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? CAN'T THROW ONE FUCKING PASS TO BENNETT????

AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU BITCHING, COLE. YOU HAVE 3 CUPS AND YOUR TEAM IS HORSESHIT.

GOODNIGHT. I AM DONE.
Reply
AND THEY DON'T GO FOR 2???? FUCK YOU TRESTMAN.
Reply
Garbage time touchdown! That hurts. It happened to me earlier in the season. I mentally conceded the game after the horrible first quarter..second quarter...third quarter!
Reply
Congrats Mike. I'm spent. That was insane and will go down in Chicken Bone history.

Choad out.
Reply
Oh, and I just also lost in another league 110.84 to 110.42. I don't know whether to cry or shove a candy cane up my ass. I'm open to suggestions.
Reply
Congrats Sean and Mike...at least it's not a Cole or a Falafel. Sorry, that's as gracious as I get.
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Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Week 14 Recap

Howdy folks,

So, let me get this straight.... I'm in the playoffs again, but the other three people in with me are Mike Frank, Sean, and Steve?  That can't be right.  If you had that four-team parlay in August, you should have spent the season in Vegas.  It's really ridiculous!  Some more thoughts...

  • Either I'll win back-to-back championships or there will be a first time winner.  I really couldn't ask for anything better.  (Well, except for not having an ass-broken team....)
  • There's a 75% chance the winner this year will hail from Fairfax, VA.  And when you factor in that Steve is the other participant, that figure goes up to 99%.
  • It was mostly meaningless, but Sean had monster games from Julio Jones and Aaron Rodgers last night to come all the way back against Thong.  As a result, Sean ended up with a 1st place,  10-win season; and Thong officially reclaimed the 7-7 title belt from Mike Frank.
  • Speaking of which, all four playoff teams finished with a winning record, with no 7-7 team slipping in.
  • Shit-Stained Falafel finished in about the most horrible fashion imaginable.  On top of the world going into Thanksgiving and getting Josh Gordon back, he then:
    • Watched Josh Gordon be useless
    • Suffered two consecutive losses
    • Lost in the deciding game to Steve (who won thanks to good games from Lions Matthew Stafford and Golden Tate!)
    • Finished 7-7, in 7th place.
    • Drank heavily
  • In the deciding game of their season, BOTH Steve and Falafel started Defenses that scored -4 points.  That's negative 4!  Neither one of them deserved to make the playoffs after that piece of managing...
  • Nothing left to say about Auction Bitch Mike Cole, Bitter Bradley, Oblivious Robby, or Moved-On Maine.
  • Stay tuned this week for a playoff preview on the off-chance that someone else decides to write one.  I'll be too busy scouring the waiver wire for warm bodies.
- The Commish
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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Week 13 Recap/Playoff Scenarios

Hey Gang,

As we head into the last week of the regular season, the playoff scenarios have shaken out pretty cleanly. But before I get to that, a few recap-ish notes...

  • The words "Close and Ugly" could be applied to a lot of things on Monday night.  The Dolphins victory over the Jets.  My victory over my brother.  My testicles. .. I'll take 'em all!
  • Mike Cole runs away with last place in convincing fashion.  His "Auction Bitch" T-shirt is on order.
  • The Falafel Shit-Stain Train to the Chicken Bone Cup took a slight detour in Robbytown.  No doubt, he'll get back on track this week.  With his awesome team, he can't lose!
  • Robby's victory and Maine's loss mean that either one of them can end up in the Jean Shorts consolation bracket.  I think Maine would happily finish in 9th place, if only not to have to look at his stupid team ever again.
  • Thanks to Hopkins and his Kicker-Defense Combo, Thong gets a much needed victory to keep his verrry slim playoff hopes alive. But it's faaaaar more likely that he regains the 7-7 championship belt from Mike Frank.  
  • Meanwhile, Steve can thank Antonio "Garbage Time" Brown for his win this week.  Is his team now back in it, or is this just a hope cock tease?
  • Bradley goes out with a whimper.

So here are the (not fact checked, and most likely incorrect) Playoff Scenarios.  These assume no unlikely shenanigans with point totals.

#1 Seed: 
Sean with a win OR a loss and a Commish loss.
Commish with a win and a Sean loss.

#2 Seed:
Sean with a loss and a Commish win.
Commish with a win and a Sean win OR a loss and a MFrank loss.
MFrank with a win and a Commish loss.

#3 Seed:
Commish with a loss and a MFrank win.
MFrank otherwise.

#4 Seed:
This is remarkably cut and dried.  The playoffs essentially start this week!  Falafel vs. Steve-O.  Both are 7-6.  Winner goes 8-6 and gets into the playoffs as the 4-seed.  Loser goes home as a big fat losing loser.

*Note: Thong is technically still alive too.  If he wins and out-totals the winner of Falafel/Steve, he can still sneak into the 4-seed ahead of that person.  Stranger things have happened. 


Good luck to everyone not named Travis!
- The Commish

 
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