Week 3 Recap

Look, I'm sure there are a lot of you clicking on this recap looking forward to reading - in a mildly witty fashion - about how your team fared this week.  And I know you were expecting the usual amusing rundown of the whole league.  BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!  BECAUSE I SCORED ALL OF THE POINTS!!!  ALL OF THEM!!!

HOLY SHITBALLS!!!  195 POINTS!!!  That shattered the single week record for the league.  Unbelievable!  And coming off a 79 point tire-fire last week, that might have been the most unexpected scoring since Steve got laid for the first time.   Even the Dolphins couldn't bring me down on Sunday.  (They couldn't bring any of the Bills down either, but that's another story.)

All my players scored in double digits and Devonta Freeman and Greg Olsen went nuts.  Eddie Lacy was the bum in my lineup, scoring the least points and the only one not to score a touchdown. But even he got me over 10 points.  And the crazy thing is that I still managed to start the wrong Patriots running back. If I start Blount, I break 200!

And hey, I know I'm still 1-2 and half my team is on bye or hurt this week and I'm likely going to lose to Darth Falafel.  But for one glorious week, everything was fucking awesome.

I would be remiss, however, if I didn't throw down some words towards Maine's unfortunate team.  He scored the 2nd most points in the league (not only this week, but for the year so far), and still had to suffer a loss.  All those years of tax evasion finally caught up to him and the IRS (weirdly) teamed up with Yahoo Fantasy Sports to audit his miserable ass.

Seriously.  That is demoralizing.  How do you even get up out of bed on Tuesday morning if you're Maine?

In conclusion, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

- The Commish

Week 2 Recap

Hi folks!

After completely dominant wins on Saturday by Universities Miami, Virginia, and Florida, everyone was no-doubt feeling chipper and optimistic going into Sunday's NFL action.  There was no queasy feelings, no foreboding emotions, no tingling in the back of our lizard brains.  There was no chance everything would go straight to hell in a hand basket.  There was no chance all of our hopes and dreams would be dashed after only Week 2.  There was no chance of a sadness-bowl of penalties, injuries, upsets, and failure.  No...it was going to be a good Sunday... 

And it was! *

(* Applies to Sean only.) 

Onto the recap...


Fargo Woodchippers 118   Officer Octagon 79
Quarter-back hurt badly - check!  No backup Quarterback - check!  Star running back leaves with an ankle injury after 3 carries - check!  Wide Receiver hurts his knee after a monster 1st half - check!   Shit-ton of points left on the bench - check!  Opponent's Wide Receiver raping your favorite team - check!  Season over - checkmate!  See everyone next year!



Winnebago Man 154   Frantic 114
No joy here either.  This week Bradley was on the losing end of a high scoring matchup.  And Robby can't even enjoy his early Chicken Bone dominance, what with the Dolphins imploding in Jacksonville and him having to root for the Patriots all year. (Though, take a look.  His team is seriously stacked.  Could we be on the verge of a Robby Renaissance?  Is this the year of The Robby?)


Sausage King & Champ 115  Bacon on Chainwax 85
Everything's turning up Sausage.  But really, who do you think you are - William & Mary?  Pick a name and go with it dude.

Maine can always re-watch this to lift his spirits...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He7TnoCM7fo



Darth Falafel 133  Slurenity Now 127
Damn..we're never going to get any good Steve rants without some false hope.  And he is without hope so far.  His fantasy team and the Giants both starting 0-2 does not bode well for tricking him into caring about football this year.   Gonna have to go with Steve "Classic" again.  This time from Dec 15, 2009...

"This is fucking bullshit! I'm sorry, but I cannot accept Pretzel Boy in the playoffs and not me. I went from first to eliminated -- the worst collapse in fantasy history since probably whatever the fuck I did last year! And now I have to pretend that I'm interested in seeing Mazzlemuzzle against half of Strobby in the championship??? You know what? Fuck it -- I hope Michael wins again! You know what else I want? Ronnie Brown's fucking head on a platter. And I want to see Kurt Warner die. But really painfully -- like have him slowly being eaten away by a flesh eating virus as he is forced to watch Greg Louganis and Lance Bass in a three way around the world with Adam Lambert!!! I hope that mother fucker gets hit by a bus full of retarded schoolkids."


European Swallows 124  House of Thongs  71
Wow...Carson Palmer was the only dude that showed up at all for Rich in Week 2.  It's hard to get no touchdowns at all from your other skill players, but he somehow managed it. ... Meanwhile, I'm not sure I can deal with the next few months of my brother and Robby dominating this league.  Good thing they are playing each other in Week 3. 

Peace out,
 - The Commish

Week 1 Recap

Ho Folks,

Well that was ugly.  U-G-L-Y,  you ain't got no alibi, ugly.  After a top-notch draft Draft Weekend, everyone was feeling pretty good about themselves.  Then the real shit started. Week 1 is always good for that dose of reality.  Even the winners didn't win easy.  As Rich "New Steve" Spady wrote...fucking miserable...

Recap ahead...


Bradley 144  Commish 126

This one didn't end until way after I was asleep on Monday night, so it just feels like a bad dream.   In doubt until Carlos Hyde went ape shit on the west coast, Bradley pulled ahead to claim victory and the early league lead.  He also regrets his profanity-laden tirade against his running backs on Sunday afternoon and has subsequently apologized to his players, his fellow owners, the Yahoo community at-large, and the State of Mississippi.


Champion Name TBD 117  Gutterballs 84

Is there no end to the team name awfulness?!?!?  Seriously!!!   So the "winner" here has a still To-Be-Determined name?  And the loser here didn't even bother to change his fucking Coen brother-reference name from last year?  Step it up assholes!!!  Oh, and Happy New Year!


Bacon on Chainwax 110  Slurenity Now 93

I think we might have broke Steve.  That was fast.  

Looks like we're going to have to go with "Classic Steve" for a while.  Here's one from 2005 - "This is just fucking sad. By far the worst fantasy season I have ever had. I'm actually looking forward to football season being over. There wasn't even false hope this year, just no hope at all. It's like I went on a big weekend trip to Las Vegas expecting to win a shitload of money and to go spend it at the Bunny Ranch on 2 hot blonds. Instead, I wound up in Wyoming, got mugged on the freeway, stopped in at what I thought was a tittie bar, which turned out to be the Blue Oyster Bar, and wound up dancing all night with 2 bikers named Ace and Gary to a song called "It's Midnight in Montana and I Can't Get My Dick Out of This Cow"!!!! This Fucking Sucks!!!"


European Swallows 133  Darth Falafel 113

In an early season matchup of the two most despised owners in the league, the younger Cole takes this one by a cool 20 points.  It capped off a pretty horrendous weekend for Travis, which can be viewed as karma for prioritizing a woman over us.  I only hope he was there in person to watch his Lions lose in San Diego.  He deserved everything he got.


Winnebago Man 118  House of Thongs 117

In the first of our season's heart-breakers, Thong goes down by a fraction of a point.  It capped off a pretty horrendous weekend for Rich, which can be viewed as karma for voting for fractional points in the first place.  Tough luck, dude...


Cheers,
The Commish