Hey you guuuuuuyyyyyys!
Hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgivings and got properly stuffed. Also hope you enjoyed a lot of food (rim shot). Around these parts, the playoff race is tighter than a mouse's twat. 8 teams are still alive for playoff births. And more than mathematically too. Like, for reals alive. Everyone not named Rich or Jermaine still controls or mostly controls their own destiny. Win the last two weeks and you're in. That shouldn't be too hard. Unless you're a complete dumb-ass like....
The Commish, who lost to his brother 122-106. Of all the many, many boneheaded decisions I've made over the years, starting somebody named Wendell Smallwood instead of Mark Ingram has to be the most boneheadeadest. What the hell was I thinking? Because of that one move, my season is on the brink and the palpable joy that everyone has when I hoist the Chicken Bone Cup is in serious danger. I'm sorry that I let you down everybody. I am deeply ashamed. I wouldn't even blame you if you decided to go and root instead for someone like....
The Sausage Party King, who went to town on on Mazzle like he was a Taco voiced by Selma Hayak. He dominated to the tune of 151-130 - despite a piss poor effort from R. Kelley (see what I did there?). His team is totally stacked and he's the odds on favorite in Vegas to win the cup (which he will finally get from me as a Hanukkah present in 2017). Sean is also now in the drivers seat for the #1 overall playoff seed. Which is meaningless. Just like...
Salty Salted Bacon, who played spoiler to edge Falafel 118-111. Maine got a big effort from Shady and the Raiders, which coincidentally is the nickname for his genitalia. So that went swimmingly and he numerically prevailed, despite being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs (probably! who has time to figure these things out for sure? not me!). Meanwhile, Travis falls to 6-6 and is still in the thick of it, just like....
Strobby, who holds both 3rd and 4th place right now. Strobby couldn't score more 100 points for the weekend, loses big after winning last week, and sees their record drop to 7-5. Strobby is also last in the league in Moves, coasting on their sophisticated drafting in Staunton, Virginia and waiting on Dennis Northcutt to un-retire. Next week Strobby faces 6-6 teams desperate for a win in the race for the playoffs. But win or lose, they will definitely go down on them-self repeatedly. Not unlike...
Dolphins Fans! 6 in a row! Wooot! Look, we know this team is barely above average and may still finish 8-8. But considering there was no hope whatsoever going into the season and especially after starting 1-4, getting to watch meaningful football games in December is amazeballs. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm giving thanks for Dolphins football this holiday season (while I still can).
And on that note, I'd like to dedicate this link to Strobby. Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow.
Cheers,
The Commish
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Week 11 Recap
Gobble Gobble My Turkduckens!!
My big work conference is finally over, so it's back to regular recaps around here. And not a moment too soon! This league has been crazy this season without my constant stewardship. It's descended into absolute chaos - players getting hurt left and right, 8 teams still legitimately alive for playoff births with only 3 weeks to go, concussions out the ass, Dolphins winning 5 in a row, 12 missed extra points on Sunday, Rich getting a win, Steve going silent, Robby in First Place, dogs and cats...living together.....this is nucking futs! Let's recap a few things and try to make some sense out of the senseless...
Falafel 116 Commish 109
With 5 players on bye and 2 getting hurt in-game, there weren't enough warm bodies this week for your trusty Commish to keep up with Travis. Your defending champion is in serious danger of missing the playoffs, mainly thanks to Stephen Gostkowski. Yes, you read that right. I'm blaming everything on my kicker, who auto-correct thinks is Goatskin. Seriously, why did I pay two bucks for that asshole? Meanwhile, Falafel-boy moves up to fourth place, based on his studs Jay Ajayi and Marcus Marriotta, both of which we all totally saw coming.
Robby 142 Maine 91
Maine, AKA "The Bitterest Man in the League," must have pissed off somebody in a past life. Not only did he get his ass kicked once again, but he lost both his Bengals - Green and Bernard - to injury. AJ Green, in particular, got shot in the leg (or something) on the very first series of the game. One of these years, Maine's luck is going to turn around and he's going to win this whole thing. This is not that year. .. On the flippity flop, Robby somehow finds himself in first place for the time-being. And I say for the time-being, because 7 different people have been in first place at some point this season. So who knows how long the fun will last.. (Note: I made that last statistic up, but it feels right. And that's all that really matters these days.)
Steve 113 Mike Cole 103
So let me get this straight... Steve has the 2nd fewest points scored in the league, has made the 3rd fewest Moves in the league, showed up to draft weekend, hasn't posted on the message board once...and yet, finds himself at 7-4 and in 3rd place. What. The. Hell. ??? Is this one of those George Costanza things where he's doing the opposite of all of his instincts and it's somehow all working for him? Is he truly master of his domain now? What is happening here?????? I need answers!!!
Sausage King 161 Mike Frank 115
Sean's starting wide receivers this past week were Pierre Garcon, Michael Thomas, Eli Rogers, and Tyreek Hill...and he still won by a gazillion points. Turns out his strategy of only drafting suspended players and not paying $2 for a kicker is working like a charm. Also, he got 30 points out of some Irish Running back. He's in 2nd place overall and still number 1 in the power rankings .. Meanwhile, Mike Frank is giving Maine a run for his money for Bitterest Dude. He's got the most points scored, but also the most points against. Once again, he's got 7-7 written all over him. Not sure it's going to be enough to sneak in the playoffs this season...
Thong 139 Mazzle 87
You like that. You like that!!! Thong gets off the schneid in a big way, thumping Bradley to the tune of 52 points. Kirk Cousins and Jordan Reed provided the spark on Sunday night against the Packers. For one brief moment with his fantasy team and his real team both winning big, Rich had some semblance of peace in this joke of a season. .. Also Mazzle is still hanging around at 6-5. Nobody is talking about him at all, which probably means Cam Newton is about to go on a tear, Mazzle is going to win 5 in a row, and the Championship is his for the taking. Nothing would surprise me this season.
The shit hits the fan in Week 12 starting with the Thanksgiving Day games tomorrow. It's the 47th Cole Bowl, a virtual playoff elimination death-match. Bacon tries to play spoiler of the Falafel. Mike Frank will beat Steve, guaranteed. It's worst against First, with Thong looking to make it two in a row against Robby. Brad and Sean are also playing.
Have a Happy Turkey Day everyone!!!
- The Commish
P.S. Every single score in this recap was wrong and you didn't even notice. Why do I fucking bother...
My big work conference is finally over, so it's back to regular recaps around here. And not a moment too soon! This league has been crazy this season without my constant stewardship. It's descended into absolute chaos - players getting hurt left and right, 8 teams still legitimately alive for playoff births with only 3 weeks to go, concussions out the ass, Dolphins winning 5 in a row, 12 missed extra points on Sunday, Rich getting a win, Steve going silent, Robby in First Place, dogs and cats...living together.....this is nucking futs! Let's recap a few things and try to make some sense out of the senseless...
Falafel 116 Commish 109
With 5 players on bye and 2 getting hurt in-game, there weren't enough warm bodies this week for your trusty Commish to keep up with Travis. Your defending champion is in serious danger of missing the playoffs, mainly thanks to Stephen Gostkowski. Yes, you read that right. I'm blaming everything on my kicker, who auto-correct thinks is Goatskin. Seriously, why did I pay two bucks for that asshole? Meanwhile, Falafel-boy moves up to fourth place, based on his studs Jay Ajayi and Marcus Marriotta, both of which we all totally saw coming.
Robby 142 Maine 91
Maine, AKA "The Bitterest Man in the League," must have pissed off somebody in a past life. Not only did he get his ass kicked once again, but he lost both his Bengals - Green and Bernard - to injury. AJ Green, in particular, got shot in the leg (or something) on the very first series of the game. One of these years, Maine's luck is going to turn around and he's going to win this whole thing. This is not that year. .. On the flippity flop, Robby somehow finds himself in first place for the time-being. And I say for the time-being, because 7 different people have been in first place at some point this season. So who knows how long the fun will last.. (Note: I made that last statistic up, but it feels right. And that's all that really matters these days.)
Steve 113 Mike Cole 103
So let me get this straight... Steve has the 2nd fewest points scored in the league, has made the 3rd fewest Moves in the league, showed up to draft weekend, hasn't posted on the message board once...and yet, finds himself at 7-4 and in 3rd place. What. The. Hell. ??? Is this one of those George Costanza things where he's doing the opposite of all of his instincts and it's somehow all working for him? Is he truly master of his domain now? What is happening here?????? I need answers!!!
Sausage King 161 Mike Frank 115
Sean's starting wide receivers this past week were Pierre Garcon, Michael Thomas, Eli Rogers, and Tyreek Hill...and he still won by a gazillion points. Turns out his strategy of only drafting suspended players and not paying $2 for a kicker is working like a charm. Also, he got 30 points out of some Irish Running back. He's in 2nd place overall and still number 1 in the power rankings .. Meanwhile, Mike Frank is giving Maine a run for his money for Bitterest Dude. He's got the most points scored, but also the most points against. Once again, he's got 7-7 written all over him. Not sure it's going to be enough to sneak in the playoffs this season...
Thong 139 Mazzle 87
You like that. You like that!!! Thong gets off the schneid in a big way, thumping Bradley to the tune of 52 points. Kirk Cousins and Jordan Reed provided the spark on Sunday night against the Packers. For one brief moment with his fantasy team and his real team both winning big, Rich had some semblance of peace in this joke of a season. .. Also Mazzle is still hanging around at 6-5. Nobody is talking about him at all, which probably means Cam Newton is about to go on a tear, Mazzle is going to win 5 in a row, and the Championship is his for the taking. Nothing would surprise me this season.
The shit hits the fan in Week 12 starting with the Thanksgiving Day games tomorrow. It's the 47th Cole Bowl, a virtual playoff elimination death-match. Bacon tries to play spoiler of the Falafel. Mike Frank will beat Steve, guaranteed. It's worst against First, with Thong looking to make it two in a row against Robby. Brad and Sean are also playing.
Have a Happy Turkey Day everyone!!!
- The Commish
P.S. Every single score in this recap was wrong and you didn't even notice. Why do I fucking bother...
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Surprise Motherfuckers!!! Recap!
Hey gang,
I've unexpectedly found myself with a pocket of free time here, so what the hell... let's do a recap from this past weekend and see what the heck is going on around the league...
Bratwursts 114 Tacos 87
For the record, If Bratwursts and Tacos were playing in real life, I think this would be the proper score there too. My team has another ho-hum win to leapfrog Steve-O and move into third place. Most of my players are not very good, but mine is somehow the only team to score over 100 points each week this year. I think everyone's inconsistency might balance each other out somehow. Or not. I feel like this is going to fall apart any minute now. .. Speaking of falling apart, Steve has predictably fallen off his early pace and is very lucky to be 5-3 in fourth position now. BTW, fourth position is reverse cowgirl, in case you were wondering. And fifth position is...
...Bacon! 125 Sausage 144
Another week, another high scoring loss. Maine is the anti-Steve. He's got the most points scored in the league, yet is only 4-4 and in fifth position (fifth position is actually anal, btw). He was let down by his kicker and defense this week, but still probably would have lost to the one and only Sausage King. No wonder Maine is "The League's Most Bitterest Man." Can't really blame the guy. .. On the flippity, Sean is in first place and - with Bell and Brady back - probably the best team in the league on paper. You should totally follow him on twitter! @seansramblings.
Falafel 139 Thong 118
We are witnessing a historic season in the making from one Richard Spady. The so-called "Thong" has yet to win a single game on the season and is getting crushed on both points scored and points against. This is futility the likes which this league has never seen! This past week, he put up a respectable score, but his buddy Travis showed him no mercy. And this coming week, it appears that 2/3 of his team is technically on Bye. When will the bleeding stop? When!?!
Cyanide 116 Salmon 93
Bradley wins his fourth game in a row because, I dunno, Jordan Matthews? It's unclear if his team is any good, but he's 6-2 anyhow. (Note: Other than Sean, it's unclear if any frickin team in this frickin league is any good.) .. Meanwhile, Mike Cole is mediocre, doing his thing on the waiver-wire, hoping for lightning to strike. Speaking of which, how has neither Steve nor Mike picked up Percy Harvin yet? This has got to happen any minute now, right?
Aces! Winnebago!
And then there's Robby... too lazy to update his team name from last year, yet still is 4-4 and put up a 137 spot on cousin Mike Frank. And here's what I know about Mike Frank...he's 3-5 on the season, he has had the most points scored against him in the league, and he started somebody named C.J. Fiedorowicz last week. Which I am not making up.
Soon to go missing again,
The Commish
I've unexpectedly found myself with a pocket of free time here, so what the hell... let's do a recap from this past weekend and see what the heck is going on around the league...
Bratwursts 114 Tacos 87
For the record, If Bratwursts and Tacos were playing in real life, I think this would be the proper score there too. My team has another ho-hum win to leapfrog Steve-O and move into third place. Most of my players are not very good, but mine is somehow the only team to score over 100 points each week this year. I think everyone's inconsistency might balance each other out somehow. Or not. I feel like this is going to fall apart any minute now. .. Speaking of falling apart, Steve has predictably fallen off his early pace and is very lucky to be 5-3 in fourth position now. BTW, fourth position is reverse cowgirl, in case you were wondering. And fifth position is...
...Bacon! 125 Sausage 144
Another week, another high scoring loss. Maine is the anti-Steve. He's got the most points scored in the league, yet is only 4-4 and in fifth position (fifth position is actually anal, btw). He was let down by his kicker and defense this week, but still probably would have lost to the one and only Sausage King. No wonder Maine is "The League's Most Bitterest Man." Can't really blame the guy. .. On the flippity, Sean is in first place and - with Bell and Brady back - probably the best team in the league on paper. You should totally follow him on twitter! @seansramblings.
Falafel 139 Thong 118
We are witnessing a historic season in the making from one Richard Spady. The so-called "Thong" has yet to win a single game on the season and is getting crushed on both points scored and points against. This is futility the likes which this league has never seen! This past week, he put up a respectable score, but his buddy Travis showed him no mercy. And this coming week, it appears that 2/3 of his team is technically on Bye. When will the bleeding stop? When!?!
Cyanide 116 Salmon 93
Bradley wins his fourth game in a row because, I dunno, Jordan Matthews? It's unclear if his team is any good, but he's 6-2 anyhow. (Note: Other than Sean, it's unclear if any frickin team in this frickin league is any good.) .. Meanwhile, Mike Cole is mediocre, doing his thing on the waiver-wire, hoping for lightning to strike. Speaking of which, how has neither Steve nor Mike picked up Percy Harvin yet? This has got to happen any minute now, right?
Aces! Winnebago!
And then there's Robby... too lazy to update his team name from last year, yet still is 4-4 and put up a 137 spot on cousin Mike Frank. And here's what I know about Mike Frank...he's 3-5 on the season, he has had the most points scored against him in the league, and he started somebody named C.J. Fiedorowicz last week. Which I am not making up.
Soon to go missing again,
The Commish
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