Gobble Gobble My Turkduckens!!
My big work conference is finally over, so it's back to regular recaps around here. And not a moment too soon! This league has been crazy this season without my constant stewardship. It's descended into absolute chaos - players getting hurt left and right, 8 teams still legitimately alive for playoff births with only 3 weeks to go, concussions out the ass, Dolphins winning 5 in a row, 12 missed extra points on Sunday, Rich getting a win, Steve going silent, Robby in First Place, dogs and cats...living together.....this is nucking futs! Let's recap a few things and try to make some sense out of the senseless...
Falafel 116 Commish 109
With 5 players on bye and 2 getting hurt in-game, there weren't enough warm bodies this week for your trusty Commish to keep up with Travis. Your defending champion is in serious danger of missing the playoffs, mainly thanks to Stephen Gostkowski. Yes, you read that right. I'm blaming everything on my kicker, who auto-correct thinks is Goatskin. Seriously, why did I pay two bucks for that asshole? Meanwhile, Falafel-boy moves up to fourth place, based on his studs Jay Ajayi and Marcus Marriotta, both of which we all totally saw coming.
Robby 142 Maine 91
Maine, AKA "The Bitterest Man in the League," must have pissed off somebody in a past life. Not only did he get his ass kicked once again, but he lost both his Bengals - Green and Bernard - to injury. AJ Green, in particular, got shot in the leg (or something) on the very first series of the game. One of these years, Maine's luck is going to turn around and he's going to win this whole thing. This is not that year. .. On the flippity flop, Robby somehow finds himself in first place for the time-being. And I say for the time-being, because 7 different people have been in first place at some point this season. So who knows how long the fun will last.. (Note: I made that last statistic up, but it feels right. And that's all that really matters these days.)
Steve 113 Mike Cole 103
So let me get this straight... Steve has the 2nd fewest points scored in the league, has made the 3rd fewest Moves in the league, showed up to draft weekend, hasn't posted on the message board once...and yet, finds himself at 7-4 and in 3rd place. What. The. Hell. ??? Is this one of those George Costanza things where he's doing the opposite of all of his instincts and it's somehow all working for him? Is he truly master of his domain now? What is happening here?????? I need answers!!!
Sausage King 161 Mike Frank 115
Sean's starting wide receivers this past week were Pierre Garcon, Michael Thomas, Eli Rogers, and Tyreek Hill...and he still won by a gazillion points. Turns out his strategy of only drafting suspended players and not paying $2 for a kicker is working like a charm. Also, he got 30 points out of some Irish Running back. He's in 2nd place overall and still number 1 in the power rankings .. Meanwhile, Mike Frank is giving Maine a run for his money for Bitterest Dude. He's got the most points scored, but also the most points against. Once again, he's got 7-7 written all over him. Not sure it's going to be enough to sneak in the playoffs this season...
Thong 139 Mazzle 87
You like that. You like that!!! Thong gets off the schneid in a big way, thumping Bradley to the tune of 52 points. Kirk Cousins and Jordan Reed provided the spark on Sunday night against the Packers. For one brief moment with his fantasy team and his real team both winning big, Rich had some semblance of peace in this joke of a season. .. Also Mazzle is still hanging around at 6-5. Nobody is talking about him at all, which probably means Cam Newton is about to go on a tear, Mazzle is going to win 5 in a row, and the Championship is his for the taking. Nothing would surprise me this season.
The shit hits the fan in Week 12 starting with the Thanksgiving Day games tomorrow. It's the 47th Cole Bowl, a virtual playoff elimination death-match. Bacon tries to play spoiler of the Falafel. Mike Frank will beat Steve, guaranteed. It's worst against First, with Thong looking to make it two in a row against Robby. Brad and Sean are also playing.
Have a Happy Turkey Day everyone!!!
- The Commish
P.S. Every single score in this recap was wrong and you didn't even notice. Why do I fucking bother...
