Year-End Awards

Hi folks,

I guess we’re winding down for the year here (if winding down means thinking about what Mike Wallace may or may not do this weekend, when you haven’t thought about Mike Wallace in years and were a little surprised he was still in the league and doesn’t he kind of suck but who else is catching passes for the ravens and could he be better than Hyde or Gordon?)

Regardless, it’s time for some year-end superlatives.

Best Draft Picks:  Sean, due to the degree of difficulty.  Not even a contest.    
Worst Draft Pick: Commish (David Johnson, bought for $1 Million)

Best Team Name:  Steve, 2Chickens2Paralyze

Got a hobby that I really like to do

It might seem pretty weird right now if I told you

I've waited so long, waited so long

I've waited so long, waited so long

I've got my gloves and my hammer right with me here

I've got two chickens in my backyard, now baby they're gonna disappear

I've waited so long, waited so long

I've waited so long, waited so long

I've got two chickens to paralyze

I'm gonna ring their necks and break their thighs

I've got two chickens to paralyze

I've got two chickens to paralyze

Worst Team Name: Sausage Auction Bitch.  You made the playoffs dude!

Most Bitter Owner:  3-way tie.  Falafel, Mike Cole (teams are still scoring on him), Maine (8^th year in a row).
Least Bitter Owner: Mike Frank, whose team was consistently terrible and is just happy he’s not the auction bitch.

Best Team and most Toyota League Medals: Thong

Best Waiver Wire Pickups:  Commish (Funchess), MikeFrank (Wentz)
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup:  tie.  Kerwynn Williams, Cameron Brate, Terrance Williams

He might come back, but didn’t Pickup: Everyone that wasn’t me, David Johnson

He might come back, but did Pickup: Mazzle, Greg Olsen

He might come back for one game, throw 3 touchdowns, 3 interceptions, and get put right back on the I.R. and it didn’t matter because neither made the playoffs anyhow Pickup:  Maine, Aaron Rodgers.

Best Trade:  Thong, by default

Worst Trade:  Commish, by default.  Hey, Tarik Cohen could have been awesome!  If Gostowski kicks 7 field goals this week, I’m gonna be hella pissed.

Waiver Wire Champ:  Commish by a landslide.  Yahoo got scratch and claw marks all over their damn self.
Waiver Wire Chump:  Robby.

Auction Bitch:  Falafel and his boy Ertz. 

Jean Shorts Champion:  Officially too early to call – either Mike Cole or Mazzle.  But what the hell, either way, let’s just give the jorts to Bradley, who can continue the Gator legacy. 

Poster of the year:  I dunno man...let’s award it to Robby, for bookending his season aptly:

Alternative Fact #1

Robby (Alternative Facts)
Jul 1 7:30 pm

I will win the championship this year.

That s about right....

Robby (Alternative Facts)
2 days ago

I lose because of a blocked chip shot field goal. That about sums it up. Goodnight and God bless you all.

   
Peace, love, and chicken grease,
- The Commish

Week 14 Recap

Howdy folks,

Well, that wraps up the regular season in especially nerve-wracking fashion!  How about a super quick recap, you say?  Sure, why the hell not!

Commish beats Maine by 2, to secure 4^th seed.

This one seemed like a no brainer going into Monday Night Football.  I was down 1.8 points to Maine.  I   had studly Brandin Cooks and needed a grand total of 1 catch for 13 yards.  THAT WAS ALL I NEEDED TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS.  And then the game apparently took place in the Upside Down, where Jay Cutler is better than Tom Brady and the Dolphins defense is dominant.  So instead of enjoying a highly satisfying beat-down of the Patriots, I’m sweating it out until 2:24 left in the 4^th quarter before Cooks finally (finally!) makes a damn catch.   But all’s well that ends well.  Unless you’re Maine, I suppose.  He watched Jonathan Stewart go nuts on his bench, his boy Fitz do next-to-nothing, and Jimmy Graham put up a goose egg for no reason whatsoever.   It’s such a damn fine line between making the playoffs and finishing 7^th. 

Brad loses bigly to Mike Cole, falls to 5^th and misses playoffs

Kamara got concussed early, Alex Smith’s magic wore off, Ryan Succup Sucked, and Lamar Miller was Lamar Miller.  All of that sealed Brad’s fate.  Rough end to the season for Mazzle.  Sorry dude.  

Big Sean crushes Little Steven, gets 3^rd seed

Well, at least Steve had already lost before his Patriots sucked last night.  The lesson here is draft from a bouncy house instead of drafting 36 players from the same team.  Man, if Sean wins again this year, his draft approach would be the biggest “fuck you” move in the history of this league.   C’mon Thong – don’t let it happen!

Robby trounces Thong, takes top seed

Will it matter?  You never can tell…  But I'd rather be playing me than Sean, I can tell you that much.  Thong, however, remains the team to beat.  

Falafel loses to Pretzel Boy, wins 2018 Auction Bitch

Congrats Travis!!!  Got the google doc all warmed up for you!

Happy Hanukkah Everyone!

- The Commish

Quickie Recap and Playoff Scenarios

Howdy folks,

One more week of the regular season and as usual, almost nothing is settled.  Robby is gunning for his first title and is sitting in first after a win over Fat Bradley.  Is this finally his year?  Thong is the best team in the league by far and there’s no way he’s going to lose again.  Fat Bradley has lost two out of three but it still sitting pretty.  Sean has won 2 in a row and his name is just taunting us at this point.   I’m still scratching and clawing, but a loss to Travis puts me in a dangerous spot going into the final week.  Is Josh Gordon the answer to all my problems?  Probably not!   Maine is still Carlos Dangerous.  Steve has lost two in a row and is hanging on by a retarded elf’s pubic hair. Michael Evan Cole is still in this league.  Travis should be ashamed of beating me in Week 13 for no reason whatsoever.  He’s in 9^th and deservedly so.  Mike Frank is Turrible! 

Playoff Scenarios, assuming no ridiculous shenanigans with total points or ties:

Robby – In, no worse than the #2 seed.  Gets the #1 with a win or a Thong Loss.

Thong – In, no worse than the #2 seed. Gets the #1 with a win and a Robby loss.

After the top 2, it gets dicey and complicated, so I’ll give you the short version.  There are 2 spots left for 5 teams.   Brad, Sean, and myself are all 7-6 and separated by about 26 points in total.  None of us play each other.  If we all win, it comes down to points.  If 2 out of 3 of us win, then those two are in.  If 1 out of 3 of us win, that person is in and it leaves the door open for Maine or Steve to sneak in on total points.  Maine will likely get in with a win in that scenario, given his total points.  Steve is a longer shot, but can still make it with an awesome week.  If all 3 of us lose, then there will be 5 teams at 7-7 and it comes down to straight total points for the final 2 playoff spots. 

Mike Cole has secured a spot in the consolation bracket and should be proud of his accomplishments this season. 

For the Auction Bitch, Travis and Mike Frank appropriately play each other this week in the Toilet Bowl.  The loser finishes last and is the official Chicken Bone 2018 Draft Auction Bitch.   

Good luck everyone except Brad, Sean, Maine!  Screw you guys!

Cheers,

The Commish