Howdy folks,
Writing this column on a weekly basis has given me some perspective
on all that goes into being a fantasy football manager, your trusty
commissioner, and a recapper. Mainly, I’m
come to the realization that I’m out of ideas and this will be my last recap
ever. I’ve reached this conclusion due
to a combination of reasons, chiefly being the amount of time I’m able to dedicate
to writing the recap with the quality you’ve come to expect. Between the wife, the kids, the job, the dog,
the 3 fantasy teams, the new beard, pumpkin carving, and Virginia football actually
being good again and ranked in the top 25, there are just not enough hours in
the day. And while I know you’ve come to
rely on this recap to help guide your season, you’ll have to learn to live
without it. There are just more
important things I can be doing with my life at this juncture. But my door is always open for advice and my
heart is always open to you guys.
Always. But all good things must
come to an end. Now, without further ado,
here’s my last recap ever…
Irony I loved in Week
8
· Maine put up 123 points on Thong, but he ended
up losing by 9 because his boy Larry Fitzgerald had his best game all year. After scoring his touchdown, Fitz uncharacteristically
spiked
the ball to rub Maine’s face in it for ever doubting him. Maine lost his 5th game in a row
to fall into last place and Auction Bitch pole position. Also of note, Auction Bitch Pole Position was
my favorite racing video game for the JORBUS gaming system from Montgemory Ward.
Irony I hated in Week
8
· I put up 123 points on Mazzle, but I still ended
up losing by 9 because J. Winston wouldn’t stop throwing interceptions and Njoku
caught exactly as many passes as my dog.
Meanwhile the guys I actually drafted were fine and dandy and healthy
and busy scoring points on my bench - Carson Wentz threw 3 touchdowns and Evan Engram
scored 11 points. All for nothing. It’s the 2nd week in a row that I
lost for being a shitty manager. On the
flip side, Mazzle is back in the win column and holding onto 4th
place for dear life. God I hate
him.
Quarterbacks I loved
in Week 8
· Carson Wentz, who
threw a pass to himself and scored even more invaluable points for my
bench. (And by invaluable, I mean not
valuable. Useless. Inuseless.)
· Shane Falco
· Bryce Perkins!
Quarterbacks I hated
in Week 8
· Brock Osweiler
· Ryan Tannehill
· Jameis Winston
· Jameis Winston
· Jameis Winston
· Jameis Winston
(1 for each fucking interception)
Teams I loved in Week
8
· Whodafucares? Robby does! Firstly, he made a rare trade with me (first
one ever?) this week, and unlike the ones my brother offers him and everyone
else, it was a fair one. Then he goes onto
defeat said brother Cole thanks partially to his boy Lamar Miller’s best game
of the season. Meanwhile, Cole the younger drops his third in
a row and would have been better starting character actor John C. Reilly on
defense instead of Baltimore. Both Robby
and Cole the uglier are 3-5 and actually sort in this thing. “Actually Sort of In this Thing” – title of
Robby’s sex tape.
Teams I hated in Week
8
· Mr. Frank and Falafool in the most lopsided
matchup of the week, but not in the way you’d expect. With zero points out of the TE position, Mr.
F put up a 178 spot and vaulted into 3rd place with his 4th
win in a row. Meanwhile, Falafel had Zeke
and Melvin on bye, so there are surely better days ahead. The “Zeke and Melvin” is also the name of a
new sex act Travis has been trying to get his wife to go for, but she is having
NONE of it.
· Ambassador of Steve losing by 2 because he
started Geronimo “1 catch” Allison for some strange reason. What the heck dude? Just because you traded for him, doesn’t mean
you have to start him! I mean, he still
outscored “No Catch” Njoku, but still… I
really needed you to get the win against the Snausages King. Sean is climbing hard up the standings and is
looking to take this mutha home. Maaaannn…If
I have to give the trophy BACK to him AGAIN, I’m going to cut a bitch. Speaking of which…
Owners I’d love to
win the Chicken Bone Cup in 2018
·
The Commish
·
Me
·
Me!
·
No really, me.
·
If not me, then Steve
·
If not Steve, then Robby
·
If not Robby, then Thong
Owners I’d hate to
win the Chicken Bone Cup in 2018
·
Sausage
·
MikeCole
·
Falafel
·
Dan Snyder
TV Shows I Love
·
Game of Thrones
·
Better Call Saul
·
The Good Place
·
Billions
·
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
TV Shows I Hate
·
Anything involving cooking competitions
·
Anything involving the words “Law” or “Order”
·
Anything involving people pretending to buy houses
·
Anything involving the words “Real” or “Housewives”
·
Anything involving the Miami Dolphins
5-ways I love
·
Cincinnati Chili
·
The Spice Girls
5-ways I hate
· So… there’s a 5-way tie for first place right
now with identical 5-3 records for Steve, Falafel, Mr. Frank, Mazzle, and
Sausage. And as the only 4-4 team that also
kind of sucks, that kind of sucks. As
has been the case for the last couple years, there’s some big-time parity our
league thanks to the rise in advanced statistical drafting and waiver
methodology. Everyone has a fleet of
unpaid interns from MIT or Cal Tech at their disposal, and the gap has narrowed
significantly between the “Haves” and the “Have-Nots.” We
still have 6 weeks to go, but this is the time to squeeze every point out of
your lineups, because something is coming down to a tiebreak and it ain’t gonna
be pretty.
So that’s the Week 8 recap.
And after thinking about it some more and appreciating the outpouring of
support from letters and emails and tweets, from all of my friends and
relatives and fans and coworkers, I’ve decided to continue doing The Chicken
Bone Recap. I love this column and all
of you. Seriously, what's more important than fantasy football?! Nothing! That's what! Good luck in Week 9
motherfuckers!!!
- The Commish
