What’s up fools!
The
office of the commissioner is back in business!
Welcome to Brocktober!
Your trusty commish has been slacktastic this season with the
Recaps, but that all changes today. OK,
it’s just one week, but let’s cover what happened in Week 6, any trend lines
for teams, and how it all may portend results through the rest of the
season. So, without further a doo-doo…
130.06 Ambassador of Saquon 4-2-0 | 2nd
108.14 Keep Calm & Thong 1-5-0 | 10th
This was a big fuckin’ mismatch. Favored by 19.5 points in Vegas, Steve not
only won as expected, but he also covered the spread and made some sports book degenerates
very happy. His team is so good, he can
afford to make boneheaded decisions like starting Enunwa over Funchess for no
reason whatsoever. With Doug Baldwin
coming on, Mahomes looking like Brett Favre, and Saquon being Saquon, this team
is looking playoff-bound. I, however,
look forward to him starting the wrong defense between the Bears and Rams next
week…… On the flip side of the coin of fantasy success, we find Thong-a-tron. He’s got the worst record in the league, the
least amount of total points scored in the league, and the most total points
against in the league. He also got zippy
out of Dalvin Cook after everyone and Adam Schefter’s mother said he was
going to play but was a late scratch. If
Thong starts Murray instead, he wins by 0.38 points and instead the conversation we’re
having today is about Steve strangling a hobo in anger.
110.81 Whodafucares
2-4-0 | 9th
168.54 I Pita the
Falafool! 4-2-0 | 1st
Second verse, same as the first. Holy
crap, Falafel’s team is good. He left 15
QB points on the table and still put up a 168 spot. Elliott! Thielen! Gordon! Sanders! Gostowski! Jeez Louise!
His entire team is stacked in the back.
And just to taunt us further, as we’re all struggling to field one good
and healthy Tight End, he’s starting two of them and making it look smart. With the exception of having Dez Bryant on
his bench for no good reason, he can do no wrong. This team is going to sail into the playoffs
and is the odds-on favorite to win its first championship since the Truman administration.
I, however, look forward to him starting the wrong QB (Goff/Wilson) each week… And
now we come to Robby. Like his beloved Dolphins,
he is still employing DeVante Parker for no good reason. He just lost DeVonta Freeman for the season. And DeSean Jackson has Butterfingers. His team is DeSucky! (Actually, it’s not thaaaaat bad. Antonio Brown, Brady, Gronk, Diggs, and Jackson
form a great core. But his running backs
are hot garbage.).
152.99 Master Blaster 4-2-0 | 4th
101.56 Violent Comedy 3-3-0 | 7th
In the key battle of the Coles, Mike Cole got 21 points out
of Baltimore’s Defense and Jason Cole got 0 points out of Tennessee’s kicker
and – while not on either Cole’s team - Marcus Mariota got the living shit
kicked out of him. That being said, not
much else went right for Cole The Younger.
He got 26 large out of James Conner and still barely managed to break
100. But at least he has Alfred Morris,
LeVeon Bell, TY Hilton, and Amari Cooper on his bench. Wow,
this team is trending in the wrong direction.
I’m looking forward to next week when he chooses wrong between George
Kittle and Greg Olsen at Tight End. …
Meanwhile, Todd Gurley and the Gurley-men took care of business and looked like
a complete team for the first time all season. All downhill from here. (Side note: Is that a good thing or a bad
thing? It's VERY unclear.). In conclusion, I’m looking
forward to choosing wrong between Wentz and Winston at QB for the rest of the
season.
124.34 Four Hours of
Bacon 2-4-0 | 8th
145.56 Mr. Wrench
3-3-0 | 5th
This one was a roller coaster of emotions and false hope…
Maine was getting his butt kicked for most of Sunday, but then Tyreek Hill went
ape shit on Sunday night to give him a fighting chance going into the Green Bay
game on Monday. But then DeVante Adams
way outperformed DeAaron Jones, and the final score made this look a lot worse
than it actually was. Are either of
these two teams actually good? Who knows!?! Mike Frank got 17 points out of Mr. Hooper
from Sesame Street and 21 points out of Tyler Boyd Esq. and 16 points out of
Butt-ker and 16 points out of Joe Mix-ins.
Is that kind of thing going to last?
Doesn’t seem likely! And Maine has
Hopkins, Hill, David Johnson, and a bunch of guys. Is that enough to claw back and make the
playoffs? Doesn’t seem likely! Buy what the fuck do I know? My gut said Leonard Fornette was going to
have a MONSTER SEASON!
141.56 Snausages
3-3-0 | 6th
88.31 Rearviewmirror
4-2-0 | 3rd
Lastly, we come to a couple of teams trending in different
directions. Brad’s in 3rd
place, but he has dropped 2 in a row after looking like a world-beater for the first
4 weeks. However, his studs (Kamara,
Thomas) from New Orleans and Marv Jones Jr. were on bye this week, so perhaps
we can give him a pass. I am personally
happy that he is getting no production out of TJ Yeldon, which serves him
right. …. In other news, Sean “Snausages”
Forman put up another big number this week and is starting to make his annual
charge up the standings. Sony Michel is looking
like a stud, despite the weird name.
Alshon Jeffrey is healthy and catching balls from Wentz. And Sean's got talent like Keenen Allen, and
Odell Beckham Jr to spare. … I am NOT looking forward to playing either of these teams anytime soon (What? I play
them each the next two weeks?! Fuck
off! Eat my farts!)
- Falafel
- Steve
- Mazzle
- Sausage
- Commish
- Pretzel
- Maine
- MCole
- Robby
- Thong
