Howdy Folks!
While we all ponder how much to bid for Mark Ingram, let's start the season off on the right foot and dive right in with a Week 1 Recap....
109.91 Wong-Master of the Mystic Arts defeats 68.01 Bacon Lettuce Tornado
Reigning MVP and Jeopardy Host Aaron Rodgers, stud RB Aaron Jones, TE stalwart Robert Tonyan, and the ferocious Green Bay Defense? What do all of these have in common besides playing for the division favorite Packers? They all started for Maine's team in Week 1. And they all sucked harder than Jay Cutler unclogging Kristin Cavallari's milk ducts. They combined for a TOTAL of 0.8 points. That is really difficult to do! Along with Jerry "Doug" Jeudy getting hurt, that is NOT not a great start to the season for Maine. ... Meanwhile, in what is bound to be a weekly tradition, I started 2 out of 3 wrong Wide Receivers. Stay tuned for more updates on my Wide Receivers as events warrant.
132.93 Harvester of Sorrow defeats 121.51 The Falafel Resurrections
Falafel got mondo days out of Deebo "Deebo" Samuel and Joe "My Foot Is Going To Fall Off Any Day Now" Mixon, but other than a TD from AJ Brown, he didn't get much else exciting out of the rest of his team. (Zeke Elliot in particular looked super sketchy.) That was enough to open the door for Mazzle to harvest some motherfucking sorrow. Mazzle got pretty consistent play across the board to destroy by 11 points and suck all the joy out Falafel's life.
Nobody was more surprised about this than Mazzle:
128.53 Snausages defeats 123.43 Extra Billy
When you wear your own custom championship T-Shirt to draft weekend, you better be prepared to back that shit up. Alas, Robby's stars and scrubs approach failed him in week 1. Derek "Henry" Henry (with only 58 yards) wasn't starry enough and Ronald Jones (-0.60 pts) was extra scrubby. On the flip side, Sean had a banner Sunday, playing pickleball in the morning, watching his Steelers beat the Bills in the afternoon, and edging Robby by 5 points thanks to yadda yadda yadda. (Seems like a lot of effort for me to tell you which of Sean's players did well - you know how to look at a box score, you lazy bastard.)
185.71 Majestik Møøse defeats 152.16 So Mote It Be
This one deserves a couple haikus:
Scores One Fifty Two
Still Loses by Thirty Three
That's so Rappaport
What's he to do now?
I have an awesome idea!
Another Tight End?
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And one more for MCole...
Ooh! The Moose is Loose!
Prescott and Cooper go Nuts!
All downhill from here.
124.44 Rabbi Milligan defeats 87.06 ThongDeltaLamda
