Power Rankings, Ted Lasso-style

Hey gang,

We're almost halfway through the season, and it's the BYE week to end all BYE weeks.  So instead of stressing, let's enjoy some Power Rankings.  Also, for some weird reason, the other night when I woke up at 3:00 in the morning and couldn't fall back asleep, I started thinking about what Ted Lasso character everyone is.   And I've been thinking about it ever since.  So care about the show or not, you're getting that too!  Here we go...

#10 Thong -  A suspect skillset, happily swimming along like a goldfish, and only talking every once in a while, Rich is definitely the Dutch player Jan Maas.  And with the worst team in the league, you can also fill two internets with what he doesn't know about fantasy football.  He's in last "Auction Bitch" place, with the fewest total points scored in the league.  His Ridley and Evans WRs are underperforming, his Gibson is banged up, and his TE just broke his hand.  And not sure if he meant to start the Denver Defense (his only currently rostered defense) last night, but he didn't.  Gonna be a long season...

#9 Mike Frank - A family man, with his glasses, calm demeanor, and ability to take the league's shit with a smile, Mike has got to be Leslie Higgins.  Unfortunately,  neither Higgins nor Mike have a lot to talent to work with.  Mike's rabbinical squad was running back challenged, even before Chubb went down.  And he's lacking any semblance of a WR1.  But he's getting good games out of Stafford, and is hoping that Kyle Pitts has come alive.  So ya never know...

#8 Mike Cole - "Fantasy Football is Life!"  With long black hair and managing 47 separate teams, Mike Cole finds the joy in fantasy football every day.  Which is why - after some debate in the commissioner's office - he's got to be Danny Rojas.  Unfortunately, while he sometimes makes some great moves out on the fantasy football pitch, sometimes he just kills a dog.  This is one of those seasons.  He's got a busted CMcC, blew half of his FAAB on disappointing Eli Mitchell, and has not 1, not 2, but 3(!) Dolphins on his team.  That is not a recipe for success.

#7 Maine - He's deadpan but hilarious, surly as hell but a reliable friend, says "fuck" a lot but is good with kids, and has seen a decline in his football skillset over the years.  Maine is none other than Roy Fucking Kent.  "He’s here, he’s there, he’s every-fucking-where. Roy Kent, Roy Kent."  His team, however, is a whole bag of meh.  Jerry Juedy ate it early, CEH is a bust, and he's flailing about finding a serviceable TE.  However, his Aaron Packers can still do some damage, and Jefferson/Lamb make for a great 1-2 punch at WR.  Can this old man still make a playoff run?  Stranger things have happened...

#6 Falafel - Talented, selfish, kind of an asshole, daddy issues, cares way too much about his hair, has been a winner and could be one again.  Falafel is definitely Jamie Tartt.  And his team is exactly like Jamie - great top level talent, but no depth whatsoever.  Josh Allen, Zeke, Mixon, Chase, Deebo - these are dudes that are making some noise.  But behind them, you have Damien Harris, broke Kittle, Emanual Sanders...you get the drift.  He's 4-2, but can he keep this up?  Seems unlikely.

#5 Commish - Your fearless leader with a positive attitude, keeps the league together, proven winner, occasionally confused about the rules, prone to anxiety and panic attacks.  I tried not to make myself Ted Lasso, but it's all right there.  And like Ted, my team is just as likely to get relegated out of playoff position than win anything.  I'm 4-2, but doing it with smoke, mirrors, and RBs who can't stay healthy.  Other than Cooper Kupp, I have no WRs at all despite picking up and dropping every mediocre receiver available.  This spot might be generous.  

#4 Mazzle - Right hand man to the Commish, intelligent, inscrutable, occasionally bearded - Brad is none other than Coach Beard.  He's more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.  Team Mazzle is dealing with some injury issues, but if he can get healthy, he has the players good enough to win it all.  Heber, Hopkins, Kamara, Metlcalf, Sutton, Darell Williams, and even Butker for good measure.  Fear the Mazzle.

#3 Steve -  Steven "Steve" Rappaport has got to be embittered coach Nathan "Nate" Shelley.  He works his ass off and has all the football skills in the world, but never gets the recognition he deserves.  (And he may or may not quit at the end of the season.)  But even with a record of 2-4, Steve may have the best team in the league (he has the 2nd most points scored).  Kyler Murray is cooking, Tyreek Hill and Antonio Brown are studly, and he's got not 1, but 2 top TEs.  If he can string a few wins in a row together and sneak into the playoffs with a healthy Michael Thomas, Steve still has a chance to make it to the big time.

#2 Sausage - Calm and kind, highly moral, occasionally funny, maybe a little boring, but consistently gets it done on the field and may be the league's all around best player these last few years.  This was a tough one, but Sean has got to be Sam Obisanya.  (Note: there are NO bald main characters on the show!)  Anyways, Sean's team is in first place at 5-1 and is damn good yet again.  He's leaning on his Bucs (Brady, Godwin, Fournette), but there are worse teams to lean on (see MCole).  Oh and Sean's got Devante Adams too.  Sure, he's got RB issues, but who doesn't?

#1 Robby - Another tough one.  He's had more success out of anyone the last two years, he's come into his own in the world of fantasy football, and he's got a great set of tits.  (He also makes a great pair with Maine/Roy on draft weekend.)  So add it all up, and Robby has got to be Keeley Jones.  And his Extra Billies are tearing it up yet again.  He's in 2nd place, with the most points scored in the league.  He's a lock for the playoffs and looking to go back to back.  It's possible!  

Good luck to everyone this week with BYE-mageddon!  Remember, taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn't it? If you're comfortable while you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong.

Believe!

- The Commish

Week 6 Recap

Howdy folks!

And Wow!  We've had some wild weeks in this league, but for a regular season Week 6 with nothing at stake, this one was more interesting than that hairy mole on Travis's mom's left butt-cheek that kind of looks like Ringo Starr.  You know the one.  

So let's recap, shall we....

Wong-Master of the Mystic Arts 156.67 -  Majestik Møøse 130.91

In the first Cole Bowl of the season, it was Cole the Elder taking down Cole the Smellier, by the tune of 26 points despite getting off to a very slow start on Thursday night.  In a record 6th week, I also started the wrong wide receiver, with even a hamstrung Julio Jones outperforming all my starting WRs not named Cooper Kupp.  My running backs are all going to be on the IR soon with back injuries from carrying this team.  ... Meanwhile, MCole put up 130 and did nothing wrong except starting the wrong Dolphin (Gaskin over Waddle); but really every Dolphin is wrong, so it's hard to fault him.  

Bacon Lettuce Tornado 130.07 - Rabbi Milligan - 87.59

Maine, if he was still in high school in the 90s:  "You like CeeDee Lamb? See Deez Nutz!"  

A much needed victory this week for Maine's squad, who rode his Aaron-named Packers and a huge game from Cee Dees Nutz to the easy win over Rabbi Pretzel.  Side note: he could have put up more points, but he left Cole Beasley on the bench.  Good luck figuring out what that dude is going to do week to week!   .. Meanwhile, Rabbi Pretzel is flailing almost as much as his New York Giants.  And both of them are starting Devontae Booker.  And as the old saying goes, "When you're starting Devontae Booker, you're starting Devontae Booker."

Extra Billy 181.94 - ThongDeltaLamda 82.44

Well, at least Thong didn't lose by 100.  Thanks to a couple clutch plays by Zach Moss on the last Bills' drive of the Monday night game, he only lost by 99.5.  So he's got that going for him.   ... On the flip side, daaaaaaaaamn Robby!  Leave some fucking points for the rest of us!  

The Falafel Resurrections 134.69 - So Mote It Be 133.64

This one also came down to the last Bills' drive of the Monday night game, with Falafel coming back to edge Steve by a pubic hair.  Falafel tried his darndest to blow it, starting Laviska Shenault Jr. yet again instead of one of his AJs.  But Steve couldn't overcome Austin Ekeler's worst game of the year and some 1.20 bullshit from Tyler Boyd.  

Quick follow up from last week's recap and some reader mail - Travis's team wouldn't be favored to win Squid Game, the Chicken Bone Cup, or anything else for that matter.  However, Travis himself would be a slight favorite in a real life Squid Game.  He's younger and perhaps in better shape than most people in this league, but more importantly, he's the kind of asshole that would push the rest of us off a high bridge or stab us in the neck in the middle of the night.  Plus, he hasn't won a title in a decade and has nothing to fucking lose.

Sausage Factory 121.59  - Harvester of Sorrow 121.27

Somehow, this battle of #1 vs #2 was only the second closest result of the week, with Sausage getting the wee 0.32 point win over Mazzle.  (Assuming it stands and there are no stat corrections - The Recap doesn't have time to wait for that shit.)  Perhaps Mazzle shouldn't have kept Courtland Sutton tied behind his back?  Perhaps instead starting Kadarius Toney - a gimpy hot-head on the NY Giants with a minimal record of success and Sterling Shephard back in the lineup - might not have been his best managerial decision?  Perhaps, a little more preparation to know that Sterling Shephard was back in the lineup would have helped him just get that one more win that may be the difference between making the playoffs or not?   Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....

Cheers bitches,

The Commish

Week 5 News and Notes

Oy!

It's been a stupid busy fall so far, so there's been much recap-procrastinating in the Commissioner's office.  I'm tearing through these weeks faster than Steve and Maine tear through an FAB budget.  But it's Friday, I'm on the porch, it's 80 degrees in October, so let's see what the hell is going on around here...

Week 5 News and Notes:

• 71.23.  That's how many combined points Jonathan Taylor and Lamar Jackson scored on Monday night.  At the same time, on a Pickleball Court in Fairfax:
• Mike F:  "So I guess our matchup all comes down to tonight's game."
• Jason: "Nah, I'm behind by like 50 points and you still have Lamar Murray.  It's over unless Lamar Jackson has like 7 touchdowns."
• Steve, who we sort of tricked into drafting Mark Andrews, got 36 points out of that same Mark Andrews in Week 5.  Steve: "Who's laughing now, motherfuckers?!"
• Meanwhile, after scoring 126 and losing, at what point do we think Maine stops paying his taxes?  Has he already stopped paying them?  Did he ever pay them?  Maine: "I'm not sayin nothin'"
• Robby started 4 Wide Receivers and they scored a grand total of 19.3 points.  He lost.
• Falafel got 24.9 points out of Jamarr Chase alone.  He won. 
• Falafel started Josh Allen (who threw for 3 TDs) but did not start Emmanuel Sanders (who scored 2 of those TDs), instead starting something called Laviska Shenault Jr. at flex.  When has anyone ever been happy about starting Laviska Shenault Jr.?  Commish Rule of Thumb #47 - If the players are at all close, just go for the double up, man!  
• Chubba Hubbard is not the reason MCole lost last week.  It was everyone else on his team that isn't on the Dallas Cowboys.  
• Meanwhile, Brad dominated again to the tune of 161 total points, and he did it with one Courtland Sutton tied behind his back.  Fear the Mazzle.
• The most exciting encounter of Week 5 was a 147-142, 5 point edging of Thong by Sausage.  There was just enough action with Sausage to squirt by the Thong, despite Barkley going down on him early.  The real difference was his (Dionte) Johnson, coming up with a big performance for the first time in weeks.  You gotta hand it to Sausage, that was quite the climactic win. 
• Lastly, if this league was in a private Squid Game, here are everyone's odds of winning, with no explanation:
• Falafel: 3-1
• Mazzle: 7-2
• Maine, Robby: 4-1
• Thong: 6-1
• MCole: 10-1
• Sausage, MFrank: 15-1
• Steve, Commish: 20-1

Coming next week - Power Rankings!!

Cheers,

The Commish