Hey gang,
We're almost halfway through the season, and it's the BYE week to end all BYE weeks. So instead of stressing, let's enjoy some Power Rankings. Also, for some weird reason, the other night when I woke up at 3:00 in the morning and couldn't fall back asleep, I started thinking about what Ted Lasso character everyone is. And I've been thinking about it ever since. So care about the show or not, you're getting that too! Here we go...
#10 Thong - A suspect skillset, happily swimming along like a goldfish, and only talking every once in a while, Rich is definitely the Dutch player Jan Maas. And with the worst team in the league, you can also fill two internets with what he doesn't know about fantasy football. He's in last "Auction Bitch" place, with the fewest total points scored in the league. His Ridley and Evans WRs are underperforming, his Gibson is banged up, and his TE just broke his hand. And not sure if he meant to start the Denver Defense (his only currently rostered defense) last night, but he didn't. Gonna be a long season...
#9 Mike Frank - A family man, with his glasses, calm demeanor, and ability to take the league's shit with a smile, Mike has got to be Leslie Higgins. Unfortunately, neither Higgins nor Mike have a lot to talent to work with. Mike's rabbinical squad was running back challenged, even before Chubb went down. And he's lacking any semblance of a WR1. But he's getting good games out of Stafford, and is hoping that Kyle Pitts has come alive. So ya never know...
#8 Mike Cole - "Fantasy Football is Life!" With long black hair and managing 47 separate teams, Mike Cole finds the joy in fantasy football every day. Which is why - after some debate in the commissioner's office - he's got to be Danny Rojas. Unfortunately, while he sometimes makes some great moves out on the fantasy football pitch, sometimes he just kills a dog. This is one of those seasons. He's got a busted CMcC, blew half of his FAAB on disappointing Eli Mitchell, and has not 1, not 2, but 3(!) Dolphins on his team. That is not a recipe for success.
#6 Falafel - Talented, selfish, kind of an asshole, daddy issues, cares way too much about his hair, has been a winner and could be one again. Falafel is definitely Jamie Tartt. And his team is exactly like Jamie - great top level talent, but no depth whatsoever. Josh Allen, Zeke, Mixon, Chase, Deebo - these are dudes that are making some noise. But behind them, you have Damien Harris, broke Kittle, Emanual Sanders...you get the drift. He's 4-2, but can he keep this up? Seems unlikely.
#5 Commish - Your fearless leader with a positive attitude, keeps the league together, proven winner, occasionally confused about the rules, prone to anxiety and panic attacks. I tried not to make myself Ted Lasso, but it's all right there. And like Ted, my team is just as likely to get relegated out of playoff position than win anything. I'm 4-2, but doing it with smoke, mirrors, and RBs who can't stay healthy. Other than Cooper Kupp, I have no WRs at all despite picking up and dropping every mediocre receiver available. This spot might be generous.
#4 Mazzle - Right hand man to the Commish, intelligent, inscrutable, occasionally bearded - Brad is none other than Coach Beard. He's more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51. Team Mazzle is dealing with some injury issues, but if he can get healthy, he has the players good enough to win it all. Heber, Hopkins, Kamara, Metlcalf, Sutton, Darell Williams, and even Butker for good measure. Fear the Mazzle.
#3 Steve - Steven "Steve" Rappaport has got to be embittered coach Nathan "Nate" Shelley. He works his ass off and has all the football skills in the world, but never gets the recognition he deserves. (And he may or may not quit at the end of the season.) But even with a record of 2-4, Steve may have the best team in the league (he has the 2nd most points scored). Kyler Murray is cooking, Tyreek Hill and Antonio Brown are studly, and he's got not 1, but 2 top TEs. If he can string a few wins in a row together and sneak into the playoffs with a healthy Michael Thomas, Steve still has a chance to make it to the big time.
#2 Sausage - Calm and kind, highly moral, occasionally funny, maybe a little boring, but consistently gets it done on the field and may be the league's all around best player these last few years. This was a tough one, but Sean has got to be Sam Obisanya. (Note: there are NO bald main characters on the show!) Anyways, Sean's team is in first place at 5-1 and is damn good yet again. He's leaning on his Bucs (Brady, Godwin, Fournette), but there are worse teams to lean on (see MCole). Oh and Sean's got Devante Adams too. Sure, he's got RB issues, but who doesn't?
#1 Robby - Another tough one. He's had more success out of anyone the last two years, he's come into his own in the world of fantasy football, and he's got a great set of tits. (He also makes a great pair with Maine/Roy on draft weekend.) So add it all up, and Robby has got to be Keeley Jones. And his Extra Billies are tearing it up yet again. He's in 2nd place, with the most points scored in the league. He's a lock for the playoffs and looking to go back to back. It's possible!
Good luck to everyone this week with BYE-mageddon! Remember, taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn't it? If you're comfortable while you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong.
Believe!
- The Commish
