Playoff Possibilities and Shit

Hi folks,

What a difference a couple weeks make.  Ask me or Falafel.  Or our Lions and Dolphins.  Or Brazil and England.  

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Speaking of missing, things, 5 of us are officially missing the playoffs with 1 of us to go.  Let's see where we're at, shall we...

Auction Bitch Sweepstakes

There are a whopping 5 teams all at 6-8 - Steve, Mazzle, Maine, Thong, and Commish.  That's more below average teams than the NFC South.  With Maine and Thong facing off in the final week, at least one of us will finish at 6-9.  So just win and you're not the Bitch.  Anyone who loses will have to duke it out on points with the loser of Maine/Thong.  

Side note #1: The worst thing about fractional points is that there are never any ties anymore.  I miss ties.

Side note #2: I predict that Steve - after dominating for the last 3 weeks - will lose this week and still be Auction Bitch.  I also predict that he'll drown his sorrows with scotch and a sloppy blowjob from one of those giant South Florida iguanas.  

Playoffs?  Playoffs!

Congrats to Moskowitz!  At 9-5, Mike Frank is in!  And he'll be the 1-Seed with a win this week.

Everyone else is just holding on for dear life.

MCole, Robby, and Sausage are all 8-6, but one of these things is not like the others.  Sean is like 200 total points behind (btw, Fuck You Sean!) so he'll lose any tiebreak.  So he'll be in some trouble if he loses.  But with these three it's simple - win and they're in.  (MCole and Robby have some wiggle room with losses.)

Lastly, Falafel.  Wither Falafel.  He's lost 6 in a row, but that doesn't mean a damn thing this season.  He's 7-7 and still has a shot at the playoffs.  He'll need a win and some help.  Lose and he's out.

Well, that's the shit.  This has been a fucked up season for the ages.  I expect nothing less this last week of the season.  

Happy Hanukkah everyone!

- The Commish

Week 12 Recap

Howdy Folks!

Ima gonna try to recap this week, but like you, I'm not sure what the hell is going on this season.  Some analysis of Week 12....

The worst teams this week were the best.  7 out of 10 teams scored between 113 and 124 points.  Only 2 teams started a Tight End that they drafted.  Quarterbacks were responsible for a whopping 28% of everyone's total points.  Everyone's WR3 starter only scored an average of 5.62 points.  And lastly and very weirdly, starting Kickers born in Canada or Cuba - on average - outscored Kickers born in the United States by more than double. Strange times indeed.  

Let's recap!

123.83 Polemarch 6-6-0 | 6th def. 78.71 Extra Billy 7-5-0 | 4th  

Does this story sound familiar?  So for the whole season I start DJ Moore, who has been a complete bum.  I finally get sick of him and stick him on my bench only to see him explode for 100+ yards and a TD.  Like Kenny Rogers always said, you got to know when to start em, know when to sit em.  Know when to trade a dude, know when to cut.  You never count your points, when you're sitting on a Sunday.  They'll be time enough for counting, when Monday's done.  Also, don't get a face lift from a blind plastic surgeon. Also, roasted chicken is tasty.  

114.36 Sausage Factory 7-5-0 | 5th def. 113.96 Old Dirty Bacon 5-7-0 | 7th 

Sean's craptastic team won yet again, eking out a narrow 0.4 point win against the fading Maine.  Fuck you Sean! How have you won 5 in a row?!  I hope you choke on that sausage!  

Maine had only himself to blame for starting a Gay kicker on the Rams.  Not because he was Gay, mind you, but because he was on the Rams.  I'm not offensive!  The Rams offense is offensive!

155.47 The Four Horsemen 4-8-0 | 9th  def. 121.66 Scotch & Thong 5-7-0 | 8th

Mazzle was so excited about his big win this week, he was dancing with a group of little children.  For real.  I have the video, but am saving it for a special occasion.  Also, Josh Jacobs FTW!!!

Thong is fading out of the playoff picture with the loss.  How he does the next 3 weeks will determine whether he finishes in 5th or 10th.  Also, he still has $51 to spend in FAAB. He's 5-7!  What is he saving it for, Christmas presents?  His kids are going to hate that....

147.88 My Potato Hole 4-8-0 | 10th def. 116.54 Jamie Tartt's Better Than You 7-5-0 | 2nd 

Steve, quote of the week: "Benches are for pussies!"   An incredible performance in this topsy-turvy season, saw Steve cut his entire bench on the way to a rout of the first place Falafel.  Who need a bench when your starters put up a 147 spot?  Maybe this is the new best strategy for fantasy football?  Put pressure on your starters to perform?  Is this some type of Moneyball shit?  I don't know, but I love it!

Meanwhile, after 4 straight losses, what place is Falafel in now?  Ask his incredibly intelligent mother, and you'll get a "Clomp, Clomp!" with her hoof.  Let's not count him out though.  We counted him out for the entire 2010s and look what happened last season, after a mere dozen years?!  But for reals, he's still in 2nd and we see how quickly things change around here.

124.13 Moskowitz Syndicate 8-4-0 | 1st def. 121.44 Candygram for Mongo 7-5-0 | 3rd

My faith in MFrank in raking him #1 in the Power Rankings last week was rewarded this week when he was the only top 4 team to pull off a win.  In the battle of the Mikes, he prevailed by a pretzel width. First place baby!  Pretzels and Champagne and Hookers all night baby!  That's how Mike rolls!  

Meanwhile, MCole should have totally started Christian Watson instead of Christian Kirk.  If he started the right Christian, he would have won.  This is the kind of mistake that happens when you let Jews run fantasy football teams. 

And on that note, I'll share that I made up most of those stats at the top and Robby didn't even notice.  I'll also share my opinion that the Dolphins are going to get their asses kicked in San Francisco this Sunday.  That is all.

Good luck in December everyone!  We're all going to need it!

- The Commish

Thanksgiving Power Rankings

Howdy folks!

Hope everyone is feeling awesome sliding into Thanksgiving and, like me, doing as little of my actual job as possible today before taking off the rest of the week.  Around these parts, we have 4 weeks to go in the regular season and Everything is Up For Grabs.  Things are grabbier than a clickbait headline about what the Swedish Bikini Team looks like now.  

Only 2 games separate 1st and 8th place, all 4 teams in playoff position are 7-4, and even the 9th and 10th place teams are all tied-up for Auction Bitch.  Everybody is flawed and no team is running away with it this year.  It's tighter than Falafel's mom when she was a filly.  

So let's do a proper Power Rankings, for reals this time, in order of likelihood to make the playoffs.  I'll even make up scientifically calculate some playoff odds for good measure, since I've been such a slacker this year.  

Side note, in looking at everyone's teams....boy are we all scratching and clawing to field a viable starting lineup!  It seems like we're all just making things up on a week-to-week basis. 

Anyhow, enough preamble.  Let's do it....

10 My Potato Hole  (Playoff Odds: 0%)

It's another lost season for Steve-o, who kept his shit together with the draft auction, but completely lost his mind with free agency and FAAB.  He's down to Mark Andrews, Justin Jefferson, and a bunch of spare parts.  Unless ridiculous catches from Jefferson are worth 100 points, he's looking down the barrel of Auction Bitch (and probably down a barrel of scotch too).

9 The Four Horsemen  (Playoff Odds: 0%)

Mazzle's team isn't terrible!  I mean it's not great, but it also isn't good.  But it isn't terrible!  It's just regular bad.  He's got a healthy Keenan Allen back, Jalen Hurts rockin it, and Jonathan Taylor playing better with Coach Saturday blocking for him now (or something).  But he's 3-8 and now without his boy Kyle Pitts, it's just not happening.  

8 Sausage Factory (Playoff Odds: 18%)

How has this team won 4 in a row?!  How is this team 6-5?!  What devilry is this?!  Even though he's sitting at 5th place in the standings, I can't rank Sean's craptastic team higher than this.  Fuck you Sean for being higher than me in the standings!  He's barely scored more points than Steve, for fuck sake!  Sure, he's got Dak/CD/AJ/Devante, but it's hot garbage behind that!  He's not making the playoffs.  I stake my reputation on it.  

7 Polemarch (Playoff Odds: 19%)

This might be too high for my team, as I've lost Cooper Kupp, Josh Allen has a bum elbow, and DJ Moore is in the Witness Protection Program apparently.  But I'm suddenly stacked at Running Back, Chris Olave is a stud, and after winning for the first time in 5 weeks, I'm full of frothy false hope.  It's all probably too little, too late though...

Quick Digression: In trade discussions with my esteemed brother last week, in no surprise, he tried to convince me that Cole Kmet was an upgrade for me over Pat Freirmuth.  So we now - after a contentious back-and-forth with me shaming him - have a $20 bet about who scores more fantasy points the rest of the season, per games played.  Current score:

Freirmuth: 11.90

Kmet: 5.00

6 Old Dirty Bacon (Playoff Odds: 26%)

Now we get into the realm of folks that can actually make the playoffs.  But still probably not.  Maine's team is 5-6 and legit good.  Nuk Hopkins is back, CMC is on a great offence, and Jamaal Williams just scored another touchdown even though it's Tuesday and his game is over.  I would NOT want to face Maine in the playoffs.  I also wouldn't want to play off Maine's face.  

5 Scotch & Thong (Playoff Odds: 29%)

Thong is strong.  See above note for Maine, and just sub in Thong's players.  Everything else holds.

4 Extra Billy (Playoff Odds: 69%)

The Top 4 are the Top 4.  Not because their teams are better, mind-you.  Just because they have more wins.  And when you have more wins, you tend to have a better chance of making the playoffs [Citation Needed].  Speaking of inferior 7-4 teams, hi Robby!  Humberto is relying on Joe Burrow, Travis Kelce, silly putty, and duct tape.  Woof!  If there's any team that is likely to fall out of playoff position, it's this one.  

3  Jamie Tartt's Better Than You (Playoff Odds: 77%)

Beneath the bluster, Falafel is sweating after losing 3 in a row.  Tua and Waddle are awesome (love em!) but they are due for regression and cold weather games against better teams.  Juju has a lot of competition for targets in KC.  Rhamondre will get fewer carries with Harris back from injury.  Justin Fields is hurt.  Schultz doesn't catch TDs.  For a "first place" team, there are a lot of flaws here.  Oh baby, if Falafel collapses and misses the playoffs, I would objectively have no opinion as the official and upstanding commissioner of this league.  

2  Candygram for Mongo (Playoff Odds: 80%)

Now we enter the realm of teams that can actually win this whole damn thing.  Mike Cole's team has less depth than Mike Cole as a person, but his starting lineup is pretty ok!  Mahomes. Davis, Kirk, Godwin, Watson.  Mixon, Walker.  Hockenson.  These are some names that can do juuuust enough to maybe, if things break the right way, win the whole damn thing.  And if Mike Cole won it all, that would be a damn thing....

1   Moskowitz Syndicate (Playoff Odds: 82%)

Moskowitz?  Moskowitz?  Moskowitz!!!    Mike Frank's Fighting Moskowitzes have some skillz!  Hebert, Amon-Ra, Deebo, Barkley, Chubb, Pollard.  These guys can win you the Cup.  Sure his team has holes, but who doesn't?   He's in prime playoff position, and, by the width of a pretzel, claims the top spot in the Thanksgiving Power Rankings.  Gobble gobble Mike and congrats!

----------------------------------------------

Bonus!  Commissioner's Power Ranking of Thanksgiving Sides:

10. Gravy

9. Sweet Potato Casserole

8. Cornbread

7. Mac and Cheese

6. Sweet Potatoes

5. Green Bean Casserole w/ fried onions

4. Dinner Rolls

3. Stuffing

2. Cranberry Sauce

1. Mashed Potatoes.

----------------------------------------------

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

- The Commish

Ugggghhhhh....Week 9 Recap and Power Ranking

Ugh.

I know it's been a few weeks, but I want to write one of these recaps about as much as the Dolphins want to tackle Justin Fields.  Which is to say, apparently not at all.

So here's a rambling bullet-point recap of Week 9...

• The top 3 teams in the league all lost.  Seems like things are up for grabs even more than usual around here.

• I lost for the 3rd time in 3 weeks, by 38 points to Thong.  That's just embarrassing. Thong paid $4 to pick up the New England defense while I cheaped out and went with Minnesota instead.  That was a 40 point swing right there.  Sometimes it's the little things that get ya.  If Josh Allen's elbow is busted, I'll see you all next season.  

• Thong is in 5th Place, a.k.a. Jean Shorts Place, a.k.a. Thong Memorial Place.  I bet if you did the research - which I never will - historically, Thong has spent more time in 5th and 10th places than all other places combined.  

• Robby put up a week low 75 points and has lost 2 in a row, but still stands in 3rd place.  He hasn't won since he ran and completed the Marine Corps Marathon last Sunday morning.  Coincidence?  Probably!  But congrats to him anyways!

• Maine kicked Robby's ass, in large part to Tyreek Hill.  And Robby was kind of ok with that actually.  

• Sausage 85.01 - Mazzle 84.84.  Wow, this one was closer than the 1973 Kentucky Derby, where Travis's mom lost by a nose. ... Sausage is in 8th Place at 4-5, just hanging around, hanging around.  Kid's got alligator blood. Can't get rid of him.

• Also, Mazzle has been bitching about all the points scored against him this season, but even looking at 85 points on the other side of the table, he couldn't get it done.  Mazzle is stuck in Auction Bitch place, and he's out of excuses.

• OK, now we come to Michael Cole, who is itching for this recap more than that time in college when he got crabs from the UNC men's volleyball team.  Though he put up 193 and beat Travis this week, Michael still missed out on the all-time points record, which actually came against him. In Week 10 of the 2018 Season, Travis beat Michael 196-84, which, in addition to the all-time highest weekly point total, is also still the all-time largest margin of victory.  Now that's how you dominate someone....

• And last but not least, Mike Frank had half his team on bye.  Even against Steve, that wasn't going to end well.  And it didn't, to the tune of 75 points and a resounding thud.  The surprising part was Steve putting up 141 points for NO REASON WHATSOEVER.  Well I guess his players had lots of yards and touchdowns, but except for that, NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

And that's a recap everyone.  

And here's your Power Ranking:

1. Marvel's The Avengers (2012)
2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
3. Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
4. Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
5. Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
6. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
7. Captain America: Civil War (2016)
8. Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
9. Avengers: Endgame (2019)
10. Iron Man (2008)
11. Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)
12. Ant-Man (2015)
13. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
14. Thor (2011)
15. Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
16. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
17. Doctor Strange (2016)
18. Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)
19. Iron Man 3 (2013)
20. Captain Marvel (2019)
21. Black Panther (2018)
22. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
23. Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness (2016)
24. Black Widow (2021)
25. Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)
26. Thor: The Dark World (2013)
27. Iron Man 2 (2010)
28. The Incredible Hulk (2008)
29. The Eternals (2021)

Cheers,

The Commish

Contractually Obligated Week 6 Recap

Guten Tag!

As my contract (and Brad) states, I apparently need to write a recap this week after my win.  So even though I'm frickin Germany right now and still jetlagged, here you fuckers go....

- Yeah, my Braves shit the bed, but the playoffs are a crapshoot and we were riddled with injuries.  Who the hell had Phillies/Padres in their NLCS pool anyhow?

- Speaking of pools, I'm in this weird pool where I had to pick 7 teams not to make the NFL playoffs.  I figured the Giants were a sure thing and were easily the first team I put down.  So even though they're somehow 5-1, I'm looking forward to them tanking the rest of the way and me still being right.  That's all.  

- So I actually found the Dolphins/Vikings game being broadcast in German in my hotel room in Frankfurt.  I tell ya, just when I thought this month couldn't get any worse, I had to watch the Fins get their 3rd string QB injured and lose in German.   That might be the very definition of sadness.

- These were the German announcers, and they were much less excitable than American announcers.....

- And this stereotype was just looking up highlights on twitter during timeouts.....

- Watching a foreign broadcast football game was an experience man.  It was 90% German,  5% player names, and 5% football terms/expressions in English that apparently don't translate well (e.g. "Quarterback", "Head Coach", "Play Caller", "Pass Rush", "Offensive Line," etc.) 

- In fantasy news, I am also not doing any research, but I agree with the Insufferable Falafel's opinion that there are fewer stud players than ever.  It's a sea of crap out there and this week's scores show it - half the league couldn't even crack 102 points.  And this is before the big bye weeks.  Let's do a quick recap, shall we?

119.90 Polemarch 4-2-0 | 3rd --- 80.03 Sausage Factory 2-4-0 | 9th

Thanks mostly to three Bills players, your trusty Commish beat up on a fading Sausage, whose team only scored 2 total TDs in putting up an 80 spot.  I finally even managed to get some production out of my TE slot, when I threw my hands up and said, "Fuck it, how about I just start another Bills player?"  It seems to be working, but I hate myself for rooting for the Bills this much, and I feel a comeuppance in my future (beyond just the byes this week).

116.20 Scotch & Thong 3-3-0 | 5th  --- 109.54 Old Dirty Bacon 2-4-0 | 7th 

Guess who's back?

Back again

Spady's back

Tell a friend

Guess who's back? Guess who's back?

Guess who's back? Guess who's back?

Guess who's back? Guess who's back?

Guess who's back?

With his third win in four weeks, Thong has climbed from Auction Bitch 10th to Jean Shorts 5th in the standings.  This time he edged out Senior Bacon, who has lost 4 in a row and is heading the opposite direction.  Thong also had a big week from a Bills player (Diggs) and good efforts from his other position players not names Melvin. And he won even though he would've been better off starting Travis's mom's jockey on Defense instead of Jacksonville. .. Meanwhile, Maine gets Nuk Hopkins back this week and not a moment too soon.  He still has false hope.

137.47 Extra Billy 4-2-0 | 4th --- 80.39 The Four Horsemen 1-5-0 | 10th

Quietly, Robby has scored the 3rd most points in the league, is in playoff position, and still has all $100 FAAB to his name.  The Burrow to Chase connection is strong, son.  Don't sleep on Humberto.  ... You know you you can sleep on?  Mazzle?  Yucky!  His running back law firm of Jonathan, Josh, and James were all hurt or on bye, leaving him higher and drier than yadda yadda yadda someone's mom yadda yadda.  He had to pick up the corpse of Tevin Coleman just to have a starting lineup.  And not that it would have helped much, but he also chased fools gold in Taysom Hill and sat a healthy Kyle Pitts.  

106.74 Jamie Tartt's Better Than You 5-1-0 | 1st --- 86.00 Moskowitz Syndicate 4-2-0 | 2nd 

Enough already said 'bout this one.  The Insufferable Falafel wins again.  Frank Pretzels loses but is still sitting pretty so far.

101.73 Senior Deacon Blues  2-4-0 | 8th --- 99.06 Candygram for Mongo 3-3-0 | 6th 

Stevie continues his march out of the basement with his second win in a row, this one a very narrow victory over MCole.  This was the difference - Michael had both his TEs on bye, looked at all the TEs on the waiver wire, analyzed it for 3 days, poured over the game logs and statistics, and then picked the wrong fucking one.  Almost any other guy he was looking at besides Hurst would have won it for him.  Hurst is Wurst.  

That's all I got and that's plenty.

Auf Wiedersehen,

-The Commish  

Week 5 Recap and Early Power Ranking

Hello shitasses!

What a weird NFL season....  I don't know where to start.  It seems like almost everybody is awful.  The 'Ders are awful and 1-4.  The Lions are awful and 1-4.  The Steelers are awful and 1-4.  The Giants are also awful, but somehow 4-1.   The Bills and Ravens are both great, but somehow the Dolphins beat them both.  The DOLPHINS.....UGHHHHHHHHH.  I CAN'T EVEN PEOPLE.  WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NICE THINGS?!?!

Also, streaming Thursday Night Football on Amazon is a bunch of bullshit.

Fantasy-wise, it seems like it's the worst year for Running Backs I've ever seen.  Nobody is putting up consistent numbers  It's a barren wasteland of committees, injuries, underperformances, and bad offenses.  These guys are bigger bums than the...wait for it....New York Mets!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  (Too soon, Steve?)

OK, enough of all that...let's see what's happening around here....onto the Recap...

Mongo (MCole) 121.64 - Billy (Robby) 121.60

WOW!  In what is bound to go down as the game of the year, MCole beat Robby by a mere .04 points.  This one came down to the very end of Monday Night Football and went back and forth more than a stallion with Travis's mom.  

And in a verrrrry strange confluence of events, MCole is juuuust ahead of Robby for a playoff spot in the standings by almost the same margin (.03) with almost the same digits (591.64-591.61).  It's shit like that makes me wonder if we're living in a computer simulation.

Anyhow, I'm sure my brother is smiling this morning...

Polemarch (Commish) 163 - Horsemen (Mazzle) 136

So with Dalton Schultz "healthy," l cut Taysom Hill, Mazzle picks him up and he proceeds to outscore me 34.83 - 00.00 at the "Tight End" position.  Thanks Schultzy!  Also going out early with injuries for me were Penny (broken leg) and Olave (concussed into oblivion).  But two BOMBS from Josh Allen to Gabe Davis did a lot in a hurry for me, and it was off to the races with my other guys for one week at least.  .. Meanwhile, Mazzle would have been better starting a sketchy guy in a hot dog costume on Defense instead of the Dolphins.

Deacon (Steve) 105 - Bacon (Maine) 93

After a hot start Maine loses his third in a row after getting jack-all from anyone not named Christian McCaffrey.  (Side note...."Jack-all" is a funny expression...what does it even mean?  Travis, can you shed some light?)  Lockett, KHunt, and M Carter all had good games...maybe Maine can think about trading for those dudes....

Meanwhile, the Giants come back over the Packers and his fantasy team comes back over Maine, yet this Steve guy is just never happy!  Steve gets off the schneid and rides Justin Jefferson and Mark Andrews to his first win of the season.  And as plus, he can see the future, so he's got that going for him....

Tartt (Falafel) 139 - Scotch (Thong) 131

In what would have been the Game of the Week, Travis edged his old buddy Rich, just like old times.  He also beat him in fantasy football.  If you're wondering where the fantasy running backs went, apparently Travis has them all.  Henry!  Cook!  Stevenson!  Damn!  But at the end of the day, it was the kicker position that made the difference.  Rich started the Atlanta kicker Koo on the road against Tampa Bay.  And Travis started Justin Effing Tucker.  

Moskowitz (MFrank) 128 - Sausage (Sean) 89

Mike Frank is on a roll.  Like his beloved Giants, he's 4-1 and like said Giants, it's Saquon Barkley leading the way for him.  Thanks Barkley, Chubb, and an overall balanced team effort, he easily trounced Sean this week.  There is nothing interesting at all to say about Sean's team, so instead, here is an actual picture of Sean and Robert Plant:

And now for a quickie power ranking without comment.  Draw your own conclusions.

10. Mazzle.  

9. Steve.

8. Sausage. 

7. Robby?

6. Thong.

5. Commish.

4. Maine.

3. MCole.

2.  Falafel.

1. MFrank!!!

Toodles,

- The Commish

Week 1-2 Recap

Howdy folks!

We're back again here at Recap HQ with another season of half-assed reporting and C+ jokes.

Soo we are officially off and running on Football season, and I am reminded why I get sucked into this stuff every year.  For all the mediocre games, player disappointments, freak injuries, racist owners, false hope, and crushing defeats, this game still produces just enough "holy shit" moments to make all the negative stuff worth it.  Like Steve reaching down a girl's pants in Bangkok, ya just never quite know what you're going to get.

My favorite two stats from the Dolphins 42-38 comeback over the Ravens:

• Teams leading by 21 or more in the fourth quarter had won 711 consecutive games.
• No quarterback has thrown for four touchdowns in the fourth quarter in 15 years. The last guy to do it was Sage Rosenfels.

I think that says it all.

Some observations from around the league with two weeks under our ever expanding belts:

• Damn Maine and MFrank!...leave some points for the rest of us.  These guys are taking a page from the Bills playbook and - like Travis's mom at Churchill Downs chasing a honey hay bale - just smoking everyone right out the gate.  And yes, I'm saying that Travis's mom is a horse.

• Mike Frank, in particular, absolutely destroyed Robby's will to live in Week 2 after putting up a near-record 189 frickin' points.  To be clear for those in the back, Mike Frank WON (97) by more points than Robby scored (92).  Sheesh.

• My team is 1-1 and Buck Average.  I suspect there might be some sort of body swap movie thing going on with me and Mike Frank. I'm also more top heavy than a Canadian Stripper.  More to come on this...

• BUT I'm not the only Cole with an Average team. Michael Cole, that long-haired Richard Lewis-looking motherfucker, is also 1-1 after eking out a win over Thong in week 2.  He's loving Mahomes, but unfortunately has 2 members of the Steelers offensive "offense" in his starting lineup.  So it's a mixed bag.

• Speaking of Thong....woof!  The season is barely underway and he's already Auction Bitch for next year.  C'mon Thong - give someone else a chance to type poorly into a google spreadsheet!!  

• The year may change, but the result stays the same.  In Week 2's rematch of last season's championship game, Falafel beat his Sausage yet again.  Yada yada masturbation joke yada yada..  Falafel's Lions also beat the Thong's Commanders this week, which means absolutely nothing.

• Speaking of meaningless, Steve's Giants are somehow 2-0!  I have no idea what to make of that.  At least Steve is 0-2 in our league and the Gators can barely beat South Florida, so the world still somehow makes sense.

• In other Rappaport news, here was his last week:
• Sept 16 - Get Drunk, cut Tony Pollard for a Kicker
• Sept 17-19 - Vow to be more responsible
• Sept 20 - Get Drunk, bid $75 for Tony Pollard

• Mazzle got his ass kicked by Maine to fall to 1-1 on the year.  I'm calling it now...Mazzle will finish 5-10 and in ninth place.  Mark it down.

That's all I got for now.  More shenanigans as events warrant.

Cheers shitasses,

-The Commish

Year-End Awards

Happy New Year motherfuckers!

Writing to you on a snowy day in Fairfax, it's time for the end of the year awards.

Congrats to Travis for taking home his first Chicken Bone Cup since 2003 in convincing fashion.  He's been the best team for the last two months and a deserving champ.  He also owes Ja'Marr Chase a fruit basket or something.

Let's hand out some awards...

Best Team Name:

A rare good year for team names!  Gonna call this one a tie between ThongDeltaLambda and Bacon Lettuce Tornado.

Worst Team Name:

Majestik Møøse

Best team name that probably should have been retired after last year: 

Extra Billy

Best Draft Picks:

Without looking too closely, probably me.  I made a zillion worthless moves, but I made the playoffs thanks to Kupp, Taylor, Cook, Henderson, Lamar Jackson, and the TB defense.  I also drafted Waddle  for cheap and then cut him for no good reason.  

Worst Draft Picks:

Robby, probably.

Most Wins in a season all-time: Sausage and Falafel, each with 13

Most Losses in a season all-time: Thong, with 13.  Woof.

Best ass in jean shorts: Steve, taking the 5th place trophy and making his alma mater (and Rich) proud.  Also makes sense, given his love for Tight Ends.  

Worst lineup decisions:  Sean, in the championship game.  He's going be be thinking about this one for a long time.

Worst Best Trade:

Steve, who traded Kyle Pitts for Mike Davis.

Best Only Trade:

Mike Frank, who did the opposite.  Was the only trade this year.  That's pretty weak sauce everyone.  Do better next year.

Best Luck:

Falafel, natch.

Worst Luck:

Steve, who had the 4th most points scored in the league but finished out of the playoff picture.  But really, his team wasn't that good.  

The Mike Frank Memorial 7-7 Award For Mediocrity:

Mike Frank, who finished 7-8.

Mr. Irrelevant:

Mike Cole (aka Brother Rappaport). Was he even in the league this year?

Poster of the Year:

Roaring back from oblivion in a drunken fury, this one goes to Mr. Steven G. Rappaport, Esquire!!!  Congrats dude!  I hope this makes up for missing the playoffs!!!

See y'all soon.

Cheers,

- The Commish