Howdy folks. Long time, no 'cap. Hope everyone's Thanksgivings were swell and stuff. We're back from Havana City (where the folks are mean and the Fins are shitty) , and it turns out we missed our window for last week's recap. Sweet Peaches! What to do?!! How bout a Jason Stark-esque Rumblings column to hold you over til next Tuesday? Will that do, pig?
Playoff Picture
Seems most everyone around here is treading water until the playoffs. At this point, 1 team is in for sure (Hi!), 2 are virtual locks, and 5 have been officially eliminated. That just leaves Rappaport and Malemezian fighting it out for the last spot, with Mazzle having the inside track to get smoked in the first round. Plus, with TO's big game last night, this week Steve is already in a huge hole to Robby. (But I suppose he's used to that sort of thing.) Anyhow, at least something besides Steve' s heterosexual virginity is still up for grabs these last two weeks.
A Historic Season?
Can't have a weekly column without mentioning both my obvious superiority at Fantasy Football and also my run at an unprecedented undefeated season. With only 4 games to go, what once seemed like a quixotic quest is now more than a possibility - it's a probability. Also, with a win this week, it will have been a full calendar year since I lost a game in this league. A full year! Suck on that, people that aren't me!
Updated Playoff Odds and Power Rankings
10. Old Thong 0%
9. Fat Bobby 0%
8. Mad Massey 0%
7. Hopeless Falafel 0%
6. Bad Karma 0%
5. Steve 23.5%
4. Mazzle 76.8%
3. Bro Cole 99.8%
2. Tamayo 99.9%
1. Commish 100!!!%
Monday Night Marsh
Just wanted to take a second to note that BrotherCole had no business winning last week, with MFrank only needing like 4 points from Big Ben going into Monday Night in the Swamps of Pittsburgh. Thanks to the weather and Dr. Forman's refusal to call passing plays, Ben did jack squat. .. This game proved a couple things: 1) God hates MFrank and 2) BrotherCole without Ronnie Brown's production is highly overrated, eminently beatable, and bad at predicting NFL point spreads.
Week 13 Preview
This week's regular season games are actually top-notch, with a Commish v. Tamayo Championship Preview, a Mazzle v. Bro Cole 3rd Place Game preview, a Steve v. Robby hole-a-thon, and a Bobby v. Thong Toilet Bowl Preview. Also, some meaningless game involving Falafel (I know...redundant.)
Poetry Time
Ten little managers, hair all so fine.
The Barber got snipped, and then there were nine.
Nine little managers, drafting up late.
Thong drafted Shaun, and then there were eight.
Eight little managers, in Outback heaven.
Bob shagged a 'roo, and then there were seven.
Seven little managers, trading their picks.
Falafel sold high, and then there were six.
Six little managers, their luck took a dive.
Karma couldn't pull out, and then there were five.
Five little managers, groins feeling sore.
Steve got The Clap, and then there were four.
Four little managers, exams unto thee.
Brad couldn't pass, and then there were three.
Three little managers, with options to chew.
Brother Cole choked, and then there were two.
Two little managers, hanging in Boston.
Brady got hurt, and then there was one.
One little manager, never outdone.
He won The Trophy, and then there were none.
That'll do, pig. That'll do.
-The Commish
Friday, November 30, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
Week 11 Precap
Supplies! A Precap! With all the games decided and your trusty Commish leaving for the Sunshine State tomorrow, it's time for some premature recapulation....
King Loin 102.21 Retarded Punters 58.26
Corpulent Robert managed to set his so-called "lineup" this week, but to little avail. He was no match for the Mannheim Steamroller known as yours truly. Backing up my boasts of consistency on the message board this past week, I successfully turned in my most CG week yet. (Go look..I'll wait). All but one of my skill players scored one TD, my Kicker got me 8, and my Defense got me 10. Add in my rugged good looks, and ya'll better hide your mothers! I'm just too good baby...
Mr. Thongtastic! 78.54 Steve Got Tased! 62.00
Steve got "Manninged" again and somehow lost to the rotting corpse that is Richard Spady. And with no Adrian Peterson to bail him out, it's time for him to be concerned. Also for him to be concerned about, that itching.
The Karma Initiative 105.49 "All In" Falafel 80.89
Wow, thanks to a huge 4-TD day from Randy Moss, Falafel easily beat Robby to move within a game of a playoff spot. Wait...what's that you said? Falafel traded Moss to Robby weeks ago in an attempt to "sell high" (and by "selling high," he must have meant he was on drug at the time). Well, that changes everything. Robby got 8 frickin TDs from Moss and Owens...8!!! Easy and well deserved win for him, while Falafel can officially give up that false hope he's been harboring.
Tom Brady and The Mexicans 110.47 BrotherDull 95.52
Um...the Patriots are really good. News flash. And Frank Gore is really Bad. With a capital B.
No Country For Bad Managers 82.70 Frazzled 36.75
And thus begins Mazzle's upcoming 4 game losing streak. Buy tickets to see it now! Good seats still available!
That's all for now my Turkeys. A very happy and safe Thanksgiving to all.
- THE COMMISH
King Loin 102.21 Retarded Punters 58.26
Corpulent Robert managed to set his so-called "lineup" this week, but to little avail. He was no match for the Mannheim Steamroller known as yours truly. Backing up my boasts of consistency on the message board this past week, I successfully turned in my most CG week yet. (Go look..I'll wait). All but one of my skill players scored one TD, my Kicker got me 8, and my Defense got me 10. Add in my rugged good looks, and ya'll better hide your mothers! I'm just too good baby...
Mr. Thongtastic! 78.54 Steve Got Tased! 62.00
Steve got "Manninged" again and somehow lost to the rotting corpse that is Richard Spady. And with no Adrian Peterson to bail him out, it's time for him to be concerned. Also for him to be concerned about, that itching.
The Karma Initiative 105.49 "All In" Falafel 80.89
Wow, thanks to a huge 4-TD day from Randy Moss, Falafel easily beat Robby to move within a game of a playoff spot. Wait...what's that you said? Falafel traded Moss to Robby weeks ago in an attempt to "sell high" (and by "selling high," he must have meant he was on drug at the time). Well, that changes everything. Robby got 8 frickin TDs from Moss and Owens...8!!! Easy and well deserved win for him, while Falafel can officially give up that false hope he's been harboring.
Tom Brady and The Mexicans 110.47 BrotherDull 95.52
Um...the Patriots are really good. News flash. And Frank Gore is really Bad. With a capital B.
No Country For Bad Managers 82.70 Frazzled 36.75
And thus begins Mazzle's upcoming 4 game losing streak. Buy tickets to see it now! Good seats still available!
That's all for now my Turkeys. A very happy and safe Thanksgiving to all.
- THE COMMISH
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Week 10 Recap
Hiya folks. Sorry for the late recap, but I've been home sick today, feeling rather flu-ish. (Funny, I don't look flu-ish). But Mongolian Death Flu or no Mongolian Death Flu, the recap shall go on. For if I don't sing my own praises, who will? I mean, I'm just that important to me.
Sir Loin 77.39 Don't Tase Me Bro 66.95
Some may call it luck that I win by 11 and Peyton Manning throws for a career high 6 INTs (-12). I call it good defense with a healthy dose of Antonio Cromartie. Yup, a Tennessee grad and an FSU grad teaming up to screw Steve over. It's no wonder he's bitter. .. He still actually had a chance on Monday night, but thanks to my superior managing skills in starting DJ Hackett in my flex spot, I emerged victorious. ... My undefeated season is still alive, despite all the naysayers who voted against me this past week. (OK, it was just Tamayo, but still...) More on my continued dominance to come....
Fassel's Falafels 83.90 Punters on Roids Shagging Sheep 45.08
OK, this is ridiculous. Fat Australian Bobby deserves a beat down. For a second straight week, he neglects his lineup and lets his opponent walk all over him. I don't care if I am playing him next week, this can't go on like this. I'd actually like to put this up for discussion, in light of his overall negligible league participation the last couple years. How do we proceed? Censure? Probation? Sanctions? Vote for impeachment? Please put your two cents in on the message board. .. Meanwhile, Falafel stays alive in the playoff hunt, if only barely, with a key (though tainted) win.
Flop The Nvts 81.43 Karmasabitch 73.81
Looking over the scores from this year and considering his respectable total points, the real hard luck loser in this league is none other than Humberto Feldman. For once his bad drafting, poor managing, and low IQ isn't to blame for his failures. He's got a good team and honestly should be smack in the middle of the playoff picture. But instead he's got losing streak as big as the tub of hair gel on his nightstand.
Mazzle 93.47 Plethora of Piñatas 81.41
One (low) high score for the week, and Mazzle thinks he's all hot shit. Mr. Streaky is due to lose 3-4 in a row now, so I suppose he might as well enjoy it now. ... On the losing end was the not so famous band, The Tom Brady's Bye Week Experience (lead singer: Wayne Brady).
Touchdown My Thong 75.75 The Barber 67.44
These two teams are so bad, they make the Hurricanes and the Dolphins look awesome by comparison. .. Ok, not really. But they still suck. Thong a little less.
Sir Loin 77.39 Don't Tase Me Bro 66.95 Some may call it luck that I win by 11 and Peyton Manning throws for a career high 6 INTs (-12). I call it good defense with a healthy dose of Antonio Cromartie. Yup, a Tennessee grad and an FSU grad teaming up to screw Steve over. It's no wonder he's bitter. .. He still actually had a chance on Monday night, but thanks to my superior managing skills in starting DJ Hackett in my flex spot, I emerged victorious. ... My undefeated season is still alive, despite all the naysayers who voted against me this past week. (OK, it was just Tamayo, but still...) More on my continued dominance to come....
Fassel's Falafels 83.90 Punters on Roids Shagging Sheep 45.08
OK, this is ridiculous. Fat Australian Bobby deserves a beat down. For a second straight week, he neglects his lineup and lets his opponent walk all over him. I don't care if I am playing him next week, this can't go on like this. I'd actually like to put this up for discussion, in light of his overall negligible league participation the last couple years. How do we proceed? Censure? Probation? Sanctions? Vote for impeachment? Please put your two cents in on the message board. .. Meanwhile, Falafel stays alive in the playoff hunt, if only barely, with a key (though tainted) win.
Flop The Nvts 81.43 Karmasabitch 73.81
Looking over the scores from this year and considering his respectable total points, the real hard luck loser in this league is none other than Humberto Feldman. For once his bad drafting, poor managing, and low IQ isn't to blame for his failures. He's got a good team and honestly should be smack in the middle of the playoff picture. But instead he's got losing streak as big as the tub of hair gel on his nightstand.
Mazzle 93.47 Plethora of Piñatas 81.41
One (low) high score for the week, and Mazzle thinks he's all hot shit. Mr. Streaky is due to lose 3-4 in a row now, so I suppose he might as well enjoy it now. ... On the losing end was the not so famous band, The Tom Brady's Bye Week Experience (lead singer: Wayne Brady).
Touchdown My Thong 75.75 The Barber 67.44
These two teams are so bad, they make the Hurricanes and the Dolphins look awesome by comparison. .. Ok, not really. But they still suck. Thong a little less.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Week 9 Recap
No time for a Preamble to the Recapitution. We the schmucks.....
Floppy The Bunny 85.34 Punters Down Under 68.00
Don't Tase Me Bro 112.77 Fassel's Falafels 61.42
Floppy The Bunny 85.34 Punters Down Under 68.00 Well, if it isn't the black pot! Mr. Rabbit's Foot! For the first time this season, I call Shenanigans! Brother Cole moves to 6-3, even though he had no business whatsoever winning this game. The only reason the lucky bastard wins is because Fat Bobby is currently in Australia, too busy with his dick up a kangaroo's ass to bother starting Larry Johnson or Tony Gonzales. Instead he started Mr. and Mrs. Bye and lost. Down Under or not, that is a serious breach in Fantasy etiquette. They got the interweb down there - use it, fatso!!! Stop sucking off a koala and do your duty!
Sir Loin 88.55 Touchdown My Thong 46.53
9 weeks down, 9 teams down. Raise your hand if you've lost to me this season. Yup, that's what I thought. Hi everybody!!! Admittedly, I was playing the hollowed out corpse of the manager formerly known as Thong. But still, I've run the league so far, and show no signs of slowing down. No amount of jinxes or reverse jinxes or hijinxes can stop me. I've even got my son smiling and laughing when I chant Joey Addai's name. Jo-ey-a-dai, Jo-ey-a-dai, Jo-ey-a-dai!!!
Don't Tase Me Bro 112.77 Fassel's Falafels 61.42 Raise your hand if you thought that the Week 9 game would have Steve-o moving into a playoff position while simultaneously knocking Falafel out of the picture entirely. Thanks to Adrian Peterson (aka Purple Jesus), Steve is looking hella strong right now. He's going to be tough to beat down the stretch. Meanwhile, I don't care what desperate trades he makes or what imaginary poker chips he pushes in. Falafel is Done. D-U-N.
Mazzle 114.20 Karmasabitch 108.02
Mr. Malemezian is on one of his patented winning streaks and Mr. Feldman is on one of his patented losing streaks. How long either lasts is anyone's guess.
Mr. Malemezian is on one of his patented winning streaks and Mr. Feldman is on one of his patented losing streaks. How long either lasts is anyone's guess.
Plethora of Piñatas 89.08 The Barber 84.23
So there's this rumor going around that Tom Brady was suspended 4 games for performance-enhancing drugs. It's bullshit of course, but the thought of that info reaching Tamayo's ears brings a smile to my face. For he only goes as far as the Brady Train takes him. Should be interesting if the Pats clinch home field advantage and decide to rest Brady the last couple games. He better pick up Matt Cassel just in case. .. Meanwhile, The Massey Barber comes up short on Monday night and thus ends his season-high 1 game winning streak.
Next week I start making the rounds again, BrotherCole tries to get lucky with Robby, Falafel goes all into Bobby, Mazzle and Tamayo jockey for playoff position and tacos, and Thong and MFrank face off in the toilet bowl.
Til next time, true believers....
- The Commish
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