Week 12 Recap

Gobble Gobble my mofos! Your trusty recap is back is business this week with a Thanksgiving edition sure to knock your giblets off. With only two weeks to go in the regular season, the playoff picture is still at its wackiest. The Super Cole Bros are in easy like Wheezy, with only seeding at stake for them. Also at steak for them: Sirloin. Meanwhile, the Sausage Grillers are looking strong too, controlling their own destiny if not their own wife. Then there is the elusive 4-spot, which some say is even more elusive than the G-spot (both have eluded Robby for years). Bradley Mazzle is in the driver's seat, but the Law Firm of Bacon and Thong are hot on his ass. But the question for today: is past prologue? Perhaps the recap will have the answers...




Chief of Staff 111.88 - Very Very Close To As Bad As Robby 81.65
At least there was some silver lining in seeing Randell Gene Moss rip my beloved Dolphins a new hole - he also ripped Steve a new hole at the same time. (Now Steve has four and a half total holes.) Even a ham sammich wouldn't have saved him this week. Perhaps a turkey sammich? But what does this all mean for your handsome and talented Commish, you ask? Same as it ever was: First Place.

Lords of Bacon 121.50 - Exactly As Bad As Robby 51.78
Scratching and clawing back to life, like a zombified turkey, Maine wins his third game in a row to get back to five hundge and a legit shot at playoff glory. The Bacon Lords took full advantage of their soft matchup against the Fightin Friedmans, putting up the high score of the week thanks to Michael Turner once again going completely turkey shit. But I'm calling it out right here and now - Maine misses the playoffs. He will lose one of the last two weeks to finish at 7-7 and in 5th place, bitterly clinging to his guns, religion, and porn stash. Also gravy.

Sweeney Thong 80.21 - I Flunked Spanish 53.41
Speaking of comebacks, lets not forget The Man With the Golden Thong! Winner of 2 in a row and also back at five hundge, the Thong Man still has a big shot at the playoffs, especially with a de facto elimination game against Mazzle this coming week. With Tony Romo back at full strength, Thong destroyed the unimpressive Brother Cole, who save for the fist three weeks of the season, ain't all that. (That = Good) Also, BrotherCole likes the dark meat. And I don't mean turkey.

Seek & Destroy 80.34 - White Chocolate Falafel 54.25
Mazzle takes care of bidness on Monday night to keep himself in the playoff lead. But the big story here is the fall of Falafel. You can officially stick a fork in him, as he couldn't be more done. Even false hope can't save him now. Everyone can now feel free to laugh at him and his fantasy football ineptitude. Ha! Hahaha! (Also, he will gladly trade you Donovan McNabb's arm and Brian Westbrook's knee for a turkey leg and a side of stale stuffing.)

Forman's Grillers 96.82 - Moron 85.39
Big win for the Sausage King! Knocks MFrank out of the playoff chase! Turkey!


Happy Thanksgiving!
- The Commish

Week 11 Recap (Guest Written by Steve)

Recap This, Motherfuckers!

Chief of Ass 83.5 -- Aching Vagina 83.19
Thus endeth the fractional points debate. What more can poor Robby do? He traded away LT for the best overall RB in football, got 2 Rushing TDs against a Baltimore defense that gave up ONE TD ALL YEAR. He traded for Deangelo Williams who has gone ape shit (literally) in two straight weeks. And he still loses....by 0.31 points!!!! Robby, my advice to you is to start drinking heavily and to just put a bullet in your head. Trust me, your team couldn't do worse with a dead manager! Meanwhile, the Elder Cole has secured a playoff spot (I just threw up in my mouth a little). Is this not the worst playoff fantasy team EVER???? Holy Steaming Bat Shit on a Fat Free Wheat Thin!!!! This season makes me sick.

Gods of Pig Fat 77.95 -- That Schmuck I've Never Met 59.03
So, this is it folks? How does a team that has Aaron Rodgers, Bernard Berrian, Michael Turner and Anquan Boldin not have a decent chance of making the playoffs??? Apparently these guys aren't inspired enough by their coach. In the matchup of two random guys who I'm still convinced don't exist, Bald Random Guy beats Sausage Random Guy. But it's Sausage Fest Boy who's looking to make a playoff run!!! I just don't get it. Meanwhile, Sean....Tyler Thigpen???? I know he scored more points this week than Drew Brees, but you deserve to lose on general principle for using a guy named Thigpen. And Benjarvis??? Dude, read the fucking news.....you knew Sammy Morris was coming back. We have this funny little invention now called the "Internet" that gives us up-to-date information on our players. Try fucking using it!!!!

Seek and Douche 53.52 -- League of Total Incompetence 50.58
Congrats on both of you not being able to break 60! Jebus Donkey-Raping Fuck!!!! I can't believe I'm losing to both of these ass hats! And one of them is likely to make the playoffs! Playoffs???? Seriously, there's not a single noteworthy player on either team to discuss. Except, of course, the New York Football Giants Defense, which won this game for Mike!!! Oh wait, that's right....Brad won. Congratulations, Bradley. Seek and Destroy? You just found and destroyed a total moron. Feel better about yourself now? Ass clowns!!!!!

Jean Shorts Boy 85.16 -- Go Fuck Yourself 85.01
Julius Jones, -1.07. Todd Heap, 1.07. Moose Muhhamed, 1.07. Notice a trend????? I hate fantasy football. I hate the Chicken Bone Cup. And I now especially hate Tony Romo and Chris Cooley -- as a Giants fan, to lose because of a Redskin and a Cowboy is just painful. But I had it coming to me. In my other league I traded away Joseph Addai and kept TJ Housh on the bench this week -- apparently they decided to take it out on me in this league too!!! I'm now going to give myself 142 papercuts on my ballsac and sit in a vat of rubbing alcohol, as that would be less painful than continuing to watch this season unfold. Anybody else miss Fat Bobby???

I Fucked Mike Frank 88.92 -- Enter the Chick Pea's Cunt 67.17
And thus may have endeth the Falafel Regime. Unfortunately it was at the hands of a fellow former champion who has now secured the other playoff spot (I just threw up on my shoes). Seriously, the Brothers Cole have secured playoff spots and look to steamroll into the Championship game. Again. This league is becoming the Groundhog Day of Fantasy Football. Every year it's a Fucking Cole in the Championship. I say it's time to rise up and slay them, and then eat their brains so we can possess the skill (read: ridiculous luck) it has taken to make this kind of a 7 year run (Not to be confused with the seven year itch they both wake up with every morning....you know there is an ointment for that). By the way, as an aside, do you know what you call a female Peacock? A Peacunt. Just thought I'd share since it's the only thought right now keeping me from shitting myself and killing a coworker.

Week 10 Recap (Guest Written by BrotherCole)

You want a recap, here’s your fucking recap . . .

Forman’s Grillers 105.04 – Seeking Help 79.64
Grillers end their three game slide and solidify their bid for a playoff spot. On the flip side, Mazzle drops to .500 and now has to fight tooth and nail for a chance to choke in the playoffs once again. It’s a little known fact that fighting tooth and nail is literally biting and scratching. Seems like a way only a pussy would fight. I would say that’s about right for Mazzle.

Enter the Falafel 120.67 – Sayonara 82.26
Falafel gets at least 3 TDs from McNabb, Jones-Drew, and T. Jones. Now at 5-5 Falafel is like his gay pirate football team, sitting with false hope that somehow things will all fall into place. Sooner or later reality will set in for both teams and he will realize that he won’t make the playoffs in this league and his wahoos will be going to the Humanitarian Bowl instead of an ACC Championship game. At least he has no false hope in his Lions this year. As for Steve, at least he has his Giants and Gators because we both know that they are for sure going to win championships. So the question is how many years does Steve have left before Satan comes for his soul? Seriously, back to back basketball titles for the gators, a football national championship, Heisman trophy winner, Super bowl victory for the Giants and a Lakers final appearance. And here’s the clincher, a sane, attractive, woman who actually is not nauseated by Steve. I say we might need to start claiming Steve’s stuff in the next year or two.

Achy Shipmaster 80.69 – Sweeney Wrong 65.14
Achy wins! Achy wins! In his first game after trading away the number one pick, LDT, the shipmaster wins. You can just feel things turning around for Achy now that that the cancerous LDT is not infecting the rest of the team. What an amazing, intelligent move by the Shipmaster in trading LDT and cutting Kevin Walter for Jacobs and Holmes. That sharp thinking showed in Jacobs and Holmes outscoring LDT and Walter by .8 points. And folks, that’s why he is closer to pulling himself out of the cellar. Or maybe it’s because he played only one of two teams that he could mathematically have beaten this week. 65 points and a loss to Robby, for shame Thong.

Lords of Bacon 92.24 – KC Stick 85.83
As the commish pointed out last week in his recap, Maine was “done.” “Cooked.” Yet somehow Maine found a way to beat the commish and knock him from his perch atop the league. More to come on that topic. Maine was not intimidated by LDT and his 70 rushing yard average per game. Or by LDT’s 4 rushing touchdowns on the season, the same number or TDs that T.J. Duckett, Sammy Morris, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, and Michael Pittman all have. Good thing the commish didn’t trade away a running back that can actually find the end zone (without a hooker holding up a neon sign) to get LDT because that would have been really stupid. And as far as “Mr. Almost”, he is now back in the playoff picture being only one game back.

I Flunked Flank 95.67 – A league of his own 86.90
Ladies and gentlemen (and Steve), we have a new leader in the clubhouse. Yours truly is back in first place thanks to 477 yards and 3 tds in the 4th quarter from Jay Cutler. The loss most surely will cost the Morons any chance of making the playoffs while the win almost locks up a playoff spot for me.

Don’t forget that the trade deadline is this Friday. Enjoy the week and the view from below.

-I Flunked Flank

Week 9 Recap

Hey Everybody! Rejoice! It's Erection day! Where all our penile dreams... Err...hold on....I'm getting a note here... It's apparently Election Day. With an "L". Sorry. How disappointing. That's much less exciting.

In any case, I advise you to go out and vote today, if you haven't already. I'm planning on writing in the entire Dolphins defense. Obama for Cornerback! Err...or something....

Getting back to the league's electoral picture, just when you think the polls are shaking out around here, the 7, 8, 9 place teams all win to muddle up the race for the Chicken Bone Presidency. Suddenly, almost everyone but Strobby is back in the playoff hunt, with 2 games separating 3rd-7th. Let's go to the Recap Map!

Chief of Staff 72.91 Burnt Sausage with a Side of Busted Crown 68.75
Vote for Change atop the leaderboard! To make his championship candidacy almost official, your trusty Commissioner held off Senator Sean Forman in Washington DC on Monday Night Football. The working class Steeler D put a scare into the Commissioner's constituents (e.g. testicles), but alas, the intimidation factor was too much. If Senator Forman started Derek Anderson at QB or BG-Ellis instead of a missing Edge, then he would have emerged victorious. But as usual, the Commissioner's opponent was too intimidated to make the right lineup calls. After 3 straight losses, will Senator Forman (from the Great State of Denial) rebound on 11/9? Or is this the start of a permanent slide into political and fantasy obscurity?

Sweeney Thong 70.73 Jermaine Bitterman 65.74
Wow, you remember when I said almost everyone but Strobby is still alive? Hello Mr. Almost! Despite the high point total, we can stick a fork in Maine after his dismal showing this week. A Plaxico drop away from a win, alas it was not to be. He's done. Cooked. Say goodnight Mainey. Try not to be too intimidated next week. Meanwhile, Thong isn't exactly lighting the world on fire.

Enter The Falafel 85.51 OneAndEight 57.36
On Halloween weekend, Falafel officially rose from the dead! Zombie Falafel ate the tasty brains of Robby and is right back in the gooey thick of things! Plus he has a Bye next week! Do not count him out! It is very exciting! Thus the use of exclamation points! I love me some Zombies and punctuation! Wooo!!!

Bye 83.81 State of Morons 64.38
In a stunning development, dealing a crippling blow to his playoff campaign, Governor Michael Seth Frank somehow lost during his Bye week. Governor Frank would have been better off starting a Mitt than a Matt at QB. Not even Romney. Oven would have worked too. ... Meanwhile, I feel the need to reprint the Bye Week's posted trash talk: " 'Suck my hairy ass, you twatwaffle!!!' -- Queen Elizabeth" Words to live by.

I Flunked Flank 88.14 Seek & DeezNuts 60.94
Do you really want someone who relies on his kicker and defense for wins as your league champion? Do you really want another year of the same uninspired trash talk? Can you really reelect someone with such a lame team name? We can't afford a single more year of BrotherCole's failed policies! Please, join with me to defeat the opposition Cole and bring the Chicken Bone Cup back into the hands of the Cole you trust!! WE CAN DO IT! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

Happy Voting,
- The Commish