(by Maine)
Good morning. I've requested to write up this week's recap for Jason for a few reasons.
1.) Almost like an alcoholic, I need to take ownership of my failures as a fantasy football player. Sure, I could read The Commish's take on my woeful team management strategy every week, but if I never stand up in front of the room and say things like, "My name is Jermaine, and not only did I enthusiastically draft Greg Camarillo last year, but I still have deep hope for the whole Ryan Mathews experience in 2010," how will I ever learn?
2.) Our team names are ridiculous - across the board - and I needed a proper venue to address it. We've gotten away with this low imagination crap for far too long. We trash talk each other for misspellings on the message board, but not for naming our teams like retards? It's on the list.
3.) I get to make tasteless comments about former Bengals receivers. Look for them a little bit later.
4.) If I take a little bit of time at work between meetings, corporate circle jerks and reading CNN.com to write this, I can somehow convince myself that, since I'm being paid, I'm a professional writer. Everybody has their aspirations. Mine is to be an underpaid staff scribe with a corner cubicle. Let me have this. Just let me have it.
5.) Almost every team in the league is bad, which you'd think was mathematically impossible, but nope. And bad teams make for easy recaps. If we were all full of hope, I'd have to say things like, "Man, these are going to be riveting playoffs if these teams face each other." But since we're mostly horrible, it's all softballs.
6.) The message board has a character limit. I don't do well with character limits. If you've ever received an email from me, you've had to wipe the sweat off your computer after it loaded. If I tried to do this on the message board, I'd have been kicked out somewhere during point #4.
Anyway, enough appetizer. Let there be steak and shrimp.
Disposable Heroes vs. Sergeant Shaft
In general, things that are named after Metallica songs tend to be decent. "Ride the Lightning" is supposedly a great quest in World of Warcraft. "Enter Sandman" is my favorite gay porn movie. "Unforgiven" won several Academy Awards, and I'm sure that if they made the sequel, while people would be generally dissatisfied with Clint Eastwood's new short haircut, it'd at least get a few nominations. Disposable Heroes, however, are 2 - 3, with little hope for improvement. Maybe St. Anger would have been a better name, given the team's poor prospects for commercial and playoff success.
This weekend, however, he was better than Sergeant Shaft, which was named after my second favorite gay porn movie. Who would have thought that the team with next year's consensus first and second fantasy picks starting at RB, alongside the surprise RB of the year, Mr. Peyton Hillis, would be 1 - 4? He's got three #1 WR's and arguably the best TE of all time to round out the offense, so what's the issue here? Phil "Yes, In Fact, I Am A Cunt" Rivers threw for 431 yards and these guys still lose almost every week?
It's all about bad fantasy defense. Which is completely related to the super gay team name, Sergeant Shaft. Opposing teams see that name on the schedule and add a little pep to the step. Maybe next week, try something like Colonel Snatch or Admiral Tittyballs. Try to man it up a little in here - okay, Frenchie?
Despicable Falafel vs. The Foo Man Jew
Sometimes, things come down to the simple answers. If Arrested Development is such a funny show, then why didn't anyone watch it? Because it was too hard and TV is supposed to be easy. Taa daa. If Christine O'Donnell is in her 40's and doesn't believe in premarital sex or masturbation, how has she not exploded by now? Because she has premarital sex and masturbates. Taa daa.
And if Travis' team is made up of a lot of great players, why is he 1 - 4? Because he's trying to win at football with a bunch of dudes named Felix, Maurice, Lee and Dallas. If you were playing pickup football with some guys you met in the park, how many rounds would you get through before you drafted the first Maurice? If you found out a guy named Felix wanted to fight you at 3:00, wouldn't you show up at 2:45, chomping at the bit to kick his ass in front of his friends? (Naming the team after a Middle Eastern Steve Carell movie wasn't exactly helping either, but let's stay on topic.) All this team needs to do is trade for Pierre Garcon and his roster could sound like the entire cast of "Sergeant Shaft Strikes Back."
Meanwhile, Robbie and his sweet mustache of duditude are sitting at 4 - 1 with a roster than has exactly zero first round draft picks on it. This roster is so rag tag, I keep expecting Gene Hackman to put on a fedora and coach it. Is he going to pick up Sinbad and Scott Bakula off waivers this week? Can you use a horse as your place kicker? Is that in the rule book? How is he winning?
This week, he won partially because Shaggy showed up with a bag full of Scobee Snacks and got Josh to kick the air out of the ball to the tune of 22 points. I applaud the resourcefulness. Get Robbie a Harley and a cigar because that brand of bullshit mojo is going to take him to the finish line. I can't compete with a guy who gets 22 points out of a kicker.
Deez Bacon Balls vs. Florida Taco Del Mar
You might as well not even be reading this section. Welcome to the cold, sterile middle of the pack where nobody gives a fuck about anything. We're looking at two teams that have ceilings, and those ceilings are nowhere near the roof. There's a party in the attic that we're not invited to, and, at that party, topless women that we'll never meet are serving victory champagne that we'll never taste. That said, we still faced each other this week, so I have to acknowledge it in the recapitulation.
Florida Taco Del Mar is an average fantasy team, named after an okay state and shitty-to-average restaurant. If this team was named Arkansas Jack in the Box, it would be winless. Call it California White Castle and they're undefeated. Call it Arizona Taco Bell, and they wouldn't be allowed to pick up Anthony Gonzalez from waivers. As it stands, they're 3 - 2 and will be as successful as Aaron Rodgers allows them to be. God knows Dwayne Bowe ain't winning shit for them.
They were good enough to win this week partially because Malcolm Floyd accidentally got dressed in Vincent Jackson's locker and, for a few hours, forgot he's only supposed to be a slightly more alive version of Chris Henry.
Meanwhile, Deez Bacon Balls sounds like a team name you'd come up with if you said, "Oh, hey - there's the link for the fantasy league. I'll go ahead and sign up.... Hmm... team name? I've got to name this thing right now? Urgh... I can't think of anything. Maybe I'll mentally regress to the 14 year old version of myself and pick the only name I can think of in 10 seconds that doesn't involve Salma Hayeks's breasts. Hi. I'm Jermaine."
And the roster? It's pretty kick ass for a PPR league. Oh... wait... this isn't a PPR league? And Jamaal Charles apparently got caught sleeping with his offensive coordinator's wife before the number of carries he'd get was decided on? And TJ Houshmandzadeh couldn't catch a disease from a hooker on Chad Ochocinco's VH1 reality show? I'm just gonna start scouting for next year. This was fun.
Stabbed in the Hand vs. Avathong
This is as good a place as any to discuss the rest of the middle of the pack. Neither one of these teams is invited to the aforementioned attic titty party. They're in the living room playing a fun game of fully-dressed Jenga with the rest of us. Anybody else want an egg cream? Yay.
Stabbed in the Hand is the exception to the bad team name rule. I really enjoy this one. Not only does it explain why Kevin Walter played so horribly this week, but it also explains all of Drew Brees' screwups against the Cardinals. Fortunately, Mario Manningham's donut was superceded by Chicago's defense, which gave him the win versus Avathong.
I enjoy Rich Spady as a person. The team name, Avathong, couldn't bother me more. Mainly because my daughter's name is Ava and Rich's liberal commentary on her underwear, frankly, makes me want to stab him in the hand. You're crossing the line, man. Not cool. She's five.
Meanwhile, you may have heard the expression, "Matt Schaub took a dump on the field today?" Well, this weekend, Matt Schaub honestly and truly took a healthy, steaming, corn-filled dump on the field. (Arian Foster must have slipped on it, which explained his shitty day.) In fact, if UVA Mattie had stayed in the locker room and spent the game taking a dump on the toilet instead, Rich's score would have actually been higher. I award you negative 0.15 points and may god have mercy on your soul.
Lemon Curry vs. Ryan Grant's Ankle
I'll start by saying screw these pricks for making me have to watch the shitty Monday night game to see who won. Watching two renegade QBs in sloppy weather to see which one would stop screwing up first? Yeah, sign me up.
The only highlight of that game was seeing a closeup of Brad Childress' face while the ESPN crawl talked about Brett Favre's penis. If for only a moment, I got to play a game called, "What's The Creepiest Thing On TV Right Now?" and the final score was a tie.
(Side question: If you got an email from Brad Childress with no subject and an attachment, and an email from a friend with the subject line "hey, check out Favre's cock," which one would you open last? Think about that for an hour.)
Anyway, Ryan Grant's Ankle, much like a drunk co-ed, has spent entirely too long waiting for Ben Roethlisberger to come. And much like the same co-ed, they probably won't be happy with themselves after he does. Middle of the pack, Sean. And it's your turn to pull a Jenga block.
Meanwhile, Lemon Curry is undefeated, if you don't consider the game of life in the standings. In that case, he'd be 5 - 12. But he's ridden the hot combo of Vick and Jahvid to consistent victory, and, this week, even got a boost from a kicker. Can't argue with that kind of success.
Anyway, good luck to everyone except Robbie, who I play next week.
