The bitter commissioner asked me to do the recap this week because he's too upset. His exact words were:
"You're an asshole and so is Dez Bryant. I'm not writing any fookin recaps this week."
Deez Bacon Balls vs. Sergeant Shaft
Picture it. After Sunday, the Commish is down seven points to me. Going into Monday night, he has Hakeem Nicks and I have both Tony Romo and Dez Bryant. Unless Tony Romo unleashes his inner Rex Grossman and Dez Bryant unleashes his inner Robby Friedman, this thing is in the bag.
After 30-something yards, Tony Romo gets his ass broken and is done for the game. Go fucking figure. Now, the Commish needs Hakeem Nicks to basically be a few points better than Dez Bryant and he wins.
Fast forward to the fourth quarter. Hakeem Nicks has already exploded for two touchdowns in a romp and the Commish is literally 0.13 points away from taking home the completely unlikely and undeserved win. If Hakeem makes a catch for, like, 2 yards or Dez does something stupid like fumbling, game done.
(Are you riveted? Of course not. You don't care. You're too busy worrying about your waiver wire priority and whether or not your defense has a good playoff schedule.)
Anyway... garbage time touchdown for Dez and the Commish begins to feel the first inklings of sand in his vagina. Welcome to 2 and 5, Jason. You deserved this.
Stabbed in the Hand vs. Florida Taco Del Mar
Dwayne Bowe randomly played well, as part of the Chief's offensive explosion, but nobody else on Del Mar did, so they took the loss. Really, nobody played well in this matchup. Apathy abounds.
Lemon Curry vs. Disposable Heroes
Lemon Curry loses his second game in a row. Partially because he allowed Kevin Kolb to suit up. Can you imaging how Michael Turner must feel?
"Hey coach, did you see that game? I played my ass off and got you that paydirt. I think I twisted my ankle, but I really wanted to put up 21 for you. So, how much did we win by? ... Wait... you mean.... the Kevin Kolb from the Eagles?... but he'sterrible... so you mean we.... really, we lost?... I demand a trade!"
Meanwhile, Over-Ray-ted Rice and Matt For-Tame brought nothing to the table, but Mike "$16" Wallace scored a long TD to give the Heroes the victory.
Despicable Falafel va. Avathong
Denver's defense gave up 59 points to the Raiders and that just about sums up the weekend for Avathong. Lee Evans, on the other hand, scored three touchdowns because Ed Reed forgot he existed. Coupled with Matt Ryan's big day, that was enough to give Falafel his second win of the year.
By the way, this is my favorite time of the year in fantasy football. Everyone is so injured and bye weeks are so frequent that you can start Jason Snelling, Ben Watson and Johnny Knox and still have a good game.
Foo Man Jew vs. Ryan Grant's Ankle
Juggernaut fight!!
Well, not really. But both teams played well. Fun times across the board.
I'd love to have been in the vicinity after that Roethlisberger goal line fumble and reversal though. Screaming? Crying? Fingerbanging each other in the stadium's bathroom? Anything could have happened with all that emotion on the table and we couldn't even judge. We'd never truly understand.
And there's your fookin recap. Do better next week.
