Week 7 Recap - "Well, Now What?"

Who do you fire?
Who do you blame?
There's no one to hire.
There's nothing but shame.

It's not bad karma,
It's not bad luck.
Fuck a squirrel,
Fuck a duck.

Lions and Dolphins,
Giants, Redskins, and Raiders.
All of them losers,
Or mid-season faders.

The Gators and Hoos,
More bad news.
NBA's canceled,
Can't even choose.

Steelers are winning,
Good for you Sean.
Your team's 1 and 6,
So go blow a prawn.

No love in the standings,
No love on the grass.
Don't have Sage
To even harass.

Season's half over,
This sucks my friend.
Nothing to do
but wait for the end.


Major Blowhard 32.18 The Choot Spas 91.06
I'd like to remind people how pathetic Rich's 35 points were last week. Man, I still can't get over that. How do you only score 35 points in this league?! What a maroon!!! ... Also, there was a stat correction and Robby lost last week. Couldn't have happened to a nicer asshole.


A Tiger in Africa? 82.36 FrayedEndsofSanity 84.65
Tough loss for the Dukies. Big matchup against the Choot Spas next week. Bradley get some false hope.


Stupid Yard Marker 80.41 The Electric Bacon 97.10
Maine continues his march to the playoffs. Sean continues his march to Wegmans.


Squirrelfucker Jones 54.07 Falafel 1st Class 77.12
At least try to get the squirrel drunk first. That's all I'm sayin here.




The Goy's Teeth 72.78 Captain Amerithong 82.90
I'm now officially rooting for Frenchy McThong to make the playoffs and win it all for no reason whatsoever. (Although his plan to do the opposite from now on may preclude him from starting Drew Brees against St Louis this week.)

Fookin A,
- The Commish

Week 6 Recap - "The Cream Rises"

Hello yahoos. After 6 weeks in this godforsaken league, it's getting pretty clear which teams are bringing the noise and which teams are merely bringing the funk. With that prism in mind, let's peer into the reverse crystal ball....


Major Blowhard 91.09 FrayedEndsofSanity 73.74
A complete pwnage of Bradley this weekend, as UVA upset undefeated Georgia Tech as well. Brad may be the only person having a worse sports fall than me. If it wasn't for the Bills offense(!), then this score might have been even more lopsided than Travis's mom's tits. But even as it was, Brad slips to a Vikings-esque 1-5, while your beloved Commish keeps false hope alive.


A Tiger in Africa? 93.13 The Electric Bacon 80.18
Now it starts to get interesting. Thanks to a well balanced team effort - and a well balanced breakfast - The Evil Brother Cole gutted out a big win over Maine to solidify his hold on the 4th playoff spot. In classic Duke tradition, my evil brother got it done thanks to contributions from white position players such as Jordy Nelson, Kevin Walter, and Darren McFadden. .. Meanwhile, though Maine's team beyond Aaron Rodgers didn't do all that much and his team has slipped down to 3rd place, he's still looking strong nearing the halfway point. He just made the mistake of enjoying his 1st place perch a bit too much and the fantasy gods smote him accordingly. He'll be back.


Falafel 1st Class 103.81 Stupid Yard Marker 68.80
OK, this one was a mismatch on paper and an even bigger one in practice. Seanie's injured team is a compete MASH squad at this point and he deserves our pity. Poor Sean. Poor poor Sean. (Feel better now, dude?). ... In the other corner, back in first place is the hateable Falafel. His team is damn good. It's got the hallmark of a championship team, in that anyone can step up and put up big numbers in a given week. Damn good, and I'm not even kidding or jinxing here. It's the team to beat so far. Just don't shake his hand if you happen to beat him. He'll go nuts.


Motherfucker Jones 80.26 Captain Amerithong 35.20
35 points? 35 points!?! I didn't know it was possible to score that low. Thong had not one, but two, players score negative points. Had more turnovers than touchdowns. And had less than 100 total yards rushing plus receiving. That's not good. A week like this can cripple an owner's soul. Enjoy your crepes though. ... Meanwhile, Steve's travishamockery of a team wins easily to move into 2nd place. Now he just needs to hold on 8 more weeks with that crappy team. No problem.


The Choot Spas 75.97 The Goy's Teeth 75.80
And in the closest outcome of the week - and likely year - the Jews edged the Goys by the skin of their teeth. Whew! Considering that these two teams are exactly the same, looking back, this win could be critical for whoever is planning to barely miss the playoffs. And since I've already forgotten who is who here, it's as good a time as any to end this recap.


Be well,
- The Commish

Week 5 Recap - "Manimal"

It was a rare good sports weekend for your beloved commish. The Dolphins didn't lose. UVA didn't lose. And the Braves didn't lose. And therefore, I didn't crawl into the fetal position crying until Monday night when Megatron reminded me that all good things must come to an end. Onto to the recap...

The Electric Bacon 86.06 Major Blowhard 77.74
It's electric!! (boogie woogie woogie!) Thanks to precisely two long plays on Monday night, Maine completed his predicted comeback and summarily defeated your beloved but over-matched commissioner.
Fun Fact #1: Maine's first place starting lineup is made up of 50% Packers and Lions, which are not coincidentally the only two undefeated teams in the NFL.
Fun Fact #2: I had a dream last night where Maine and I took on Satan and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in a 2-on-2 pickup basketball game. Not sure what that means.


A Tiger in Africa? 110.50 Falafel 1st Class 90.15
As far as comeuppances go, it could have been worse. Falafel still put up 90 points, still got to watch his Lions win on Monday night, and still got that blumpkin from Rich's mom. So all in all, not too bad despite the loss to the evil empire. Speaking of which, Evil Brother Cole's win vaults him smack in the middle of the playoff picture again. At this point, he is the Duke of this league, which is probably the worst team I could possibly compare him to.


Motherfucker Jones 65.59 Stupid Yard Marker 57.36
In the B-division, Stevie eked out a low scoring victory against Seanie. We've covered Sean's injury ridden bunch already (this week's victim: Legarrette Blount), but not enough attention has been given to the sham of the mockery that is Steve's "team." He doesn't have a single reliable Wide Receiver now that Andre Johnson is hurt, his quarterback is going to separate his shoulder any day now picking up a carton of milk, his tight end is now going to be splitting time with his brother, and other things that I'm just making up. He is the New York Giants of the league and his Seattle Seahawks are coming next week in the form of Captain Amerithong. And to add insult to injury, he hasn't even been able to get out to the sports bar to watch games the last 3 weeks because it's been drizzling a lot near his apartment.


FrayedEndsofSanity 86.93 The Goy's Teeth 66.36
Bradley on the board!!! Mike Frank stumbles!!! Nobody cares!!!


Captain Amerithong 96.71 The Choot Spas 90.49
And in an unlikely high-scoring affair, the Thong of the East beats the Jew of the South, thanks to the efforts of some player I'm too lazy too even look at. Even so, it's a "Nice" win for Captain Amerithong, who is coincidentally lounging in the South of France right now. And speaking of Captain America, I just caught the trailer for the Avengers movie, and I got a semi-chub. It looks freakin awesome!!! In other news, I'm a huge geek!

Toodles,
- The Commish

Week 4 Recap - "Don't Cross The Streams"

Howdy folks. Short on time today, so this'll be even more stream of consciousness than usual. Off we go...

Major Suckhard 67.35 Falafel 1st Place 92.34
Falafel called me on Sunday to brag about how awesome his team was and how awesome his Lions were and how "Everything's Coming up Travis." Is there any scenario in which Wes Welker doesn't get hurt next game? I mean how dumb do you have to be to jinx yourself in that kind of manner? That's Forrest Gump concussed on top of a mountain with not much oxygen kind-of-dumb. (Meanwhile, spell-check doesn't recognize Welker or Gump as words.) ...

Things I didn't know on August 27:
- The Steelers offensive line would be worse than their crappy line from last year.
- Jack Del Rio Grande would cut David Garrard for no reason whatsoever.
- Antonio Gates' foot really wasn't fully healed, despite reports to the contrary.
- San Diego's other recievers would all be gimpy.
- The Jets offensive line would suddenly be bad (I at least knew Mark Sanchez sucked.)

And thus endeth the excuses for my crappy team. See you at next year's draft!


A Tiger in My Pants? 67.05 Motherfucker Jones!! 95.34
Steve really needs at least a couple exclamation points after his team name. Gots to get some excitement going up in here for his overachieving bunch. He won thanks to sacrificing a chicken and using voodoo mind games into tricking Brother Cole into thinking starting Mike Sims-Walker over Frank Gore was somehow a good idea. ...the fuck!?! ... Also, are we allowed to make fun of Steve for missing the draft yet? What's the statute of limitations on that sort of thing? I'll go consult Emily Post now.


Stupid Yard Marker 95.40 Captain Amerisuck 71.56
So Seanie finally found a team to play that's as bad as his and scored his first win on the not-so-young season. His victory came thanks to Mike Vick, Dez Bryant, et al, but no thanks to his Pittsburgh defense, which, like their offense, is underachieving for no reason whatsoever. C'mon Mike Tomlin - give some big speech or something here! You're killin me!!! .. Meanwhile, Rich is no longer in France, but in Italy eating Pizza and trying to score with a newly freed Amanda Knox.


The Manual Bacon 112.30 The Goy's Teeth 129.51
Is Maine still the owner of the best team in the league after getting handed his first loss of the season? The total points say so. But those same total points say that Mike Frank has the 3rd best team in the league. And that can't be true. So what's a commissioner to believe? Who the hell knows? One thing I do know is that Aaron Rodgers is gooooood!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh man!!! Wooooo!!!!!! How did Maine lose this week? Daaaaaaaaamn!!!!


FrayedEndsofSanity 84.18 The Chutzpahs 102.39
Another week, another tough luck loss for Bradley. His sanity is getting pretty frayed this season, boy howdy. It's sad, but true. He praying to St. Anger right about now. And he's...er...going to Seek and Destroy his kicker? Um, ok. .. Meanwhile, a very happy new year to the Chutzpahs. May your weeks be easy and your Sundays be sweet.


Peace out,
- The Commish