Hi! Hope everyone had an outstanding Thanksgiving and that every last one of you have successfully pooped out all of the food that you ingested for 4 days straight. That is my holiday wish to you.
Meanwhile, I come back here to find out that we're all as mediocre and bunched together as the AFC West. So let's see how we got here...
Major Spyhard 75.10 Team of Dentistry 57.66
A man of intrigue, he lives for the thrill
Always has places to go, and people to kill
Danger is the game he plays, and he holds every card
Cause if you wanna win, you gotta spy haaaard!
So my thoroughly lousy team is 6-6, and thanks to the rest of you yahoos, now I'm saddled with false hope. Thanks for THAT. I beat Steve this week, as his team has pretty much continued to suck. His strategy of only starting players with generic last names (Jackson, Brown, Turner, Brown, Johnson, Hanson, Cincinnati) somehow didn't pay off with a victory. He's now predictably - as in I predicted it 6 weeks ago - lost 4 in a row and 5 of 6 to complete his free fall down to my sad level.
Clenched Ass Place 94.19 A Tiger in His Pants and Everyone's Invited? 58.19
How is Sean beating both Coles in back-to-back weeks, for no reason whatsoever? Is he invoking the power of Tebow to get his team to play better defense? There's no explanation that makes sense here, and don't tell me it's because DeAngello Williams scored 2 touchdowns because that's a damn lie. This has got to be the first time in the history of the league that a team in last place has beaten both Coles in back-to-back weeks and is also bald. I'm on the phone with the Elias Sports Bureau right now.... Meanwhile, BrotherDuke is scuffling right now and could find himself out of the playoff picture if he's not careful around here the next two weeks.
ClenchedUpAPlayoffSpot 113.23 The Goy's Cariology 87.65
So Travis is the first person to officially clinch a playoff spot, even if he doesn't know the meaning of the word. His team went buck-ass-wild this week, but that's probably little solace after the eggs that the Hoos and Lions laid. It could be worse though... Speaking of worse, MikeFrank is in 4th place now, precariously holding onto both his balls and the last playoff spot. His loss, coupled with the Giants' and Hoos' turds, makes him the loser of the week! Congratulations Mike! You've earned it!
The Hand You Chas 84.29 The Electric Turkey Bacon 72.81
So Maine lost, but he's still in pretty good shape. I mean in this league. In general, he's in TERRIBLE shape! He gets winded going from the couch to the fridge to get another beer and turkey leg. And that's just Thanksgiving. On Halloween, he yells "Trick of Meatloaf!" But I digress. He's fine. He's making the playoffs. Nothing to see here. ... On the flipside, Robby got a much needed win thanks to Thomas Brady and is 6-6 like the rest of the damn league. He's still in it, despite, you know, being Robby.
Green Thongtern 127.32 Mazzle-Muzzle 89.26
This just in: Drew Brees is good. And for this week, so was Thong's team. He pretty much dashed Bradley's hope of making the playoffs. Both teams go to 5-7 and can pretty much start gearing up for fantasy basketball now. I hear Detlef Schrempf is pretty good too.
Gobble, gobble muthafuckas!!
- The Commish
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Week 11 Recap - Mainely Drivel
Welcome to your Week 11 recap and I'm your substitute recapper. The kindly commish asked me to fill in for him this week since he's on Thanksgiving vacation in Florida, and, apparently, hip deep in so much poultry that he can't reach a computer.
Commissioner Blow Hard vs. Sean The Anti-Clinch
If Jason had rolled this squad out last season, we'd be thinking, "Man, that's a dominant roster. Hey, aren't Julio Jones and AJ Green still in college? The Commish is getting cocky!" But sadly, this is 2011 and I have to type things like:
So, yeah, he lost. But Miami won (and scored a lot of points with their defense), so things netted out.
Meanwhile, Sean is enjoying a big win from his couch in the league's basement and now, thanks to Jay Cutler's broken pacifier... er... thumb injury and Vick's bum McRibs, he'll have to find a plan C at quarterback that isn't Josh Freeman.
Electric Baconloo vs. FrayedEndsofSanityNoSpaces
Tim Tebow is fun. Not since Jim Abbott have we seen a professional athlete that was this successful despite a glaring handicap. Enjoy the freakshow, everyone. Has Tebow now supplanted Forrest Whittaker as the world's most successful retarded person? Serious question. I still think it's very close.
Anyway, thanks to a famously crap performance by Deion Branch on Monday, I continue my mild march toward the playoffs, despite an unhealthy and useless affinity for Roy Helu.
Shaft in Africa vs. Bucky Thong
I don't know how you guys feel about it, but I love the thing the Commish does where he makes fun of everyone's team names in these recaps. It's my favorite part of doing recaps for him.
This was one of those matchups where every player offered up a pretty middlin' game of the year except Jordy Nelson and Vincent Jackson. Both teams underperformed versus their projections and, luckily, Mike's team won the war of attrition. High fives to all.
Also, I can't believe there's a guy named Doug Baldwin in the NFL. That's a car salesman - not a wide receiver.
Gronkowski, Stafford & Associates vs. The Goy's NY Giants
Matt Stafford is a good bad quarterback. His accuracy is awful, but his arm strength is good, so occasionally you'll get games like this where he puts up five TDs and two INTs. That's a good thing. Too bad his teammates Jackie Battle and Brandon Jacobs couldn't muster any support. This could have been a better matchup.
Mike Frank takes the win and the fourth spot in the playoffs. And I admit - if his roster didn't have Reggie Wayne on it, I'd be very scared. Lots of potent scorers in there. He could take the cup easily.
Clinched Up Sandusky Smile vs. Chootie Choot
Fortunately for Travis, Robby played one of the crappest games of the year and 65 points was enough to win comfortably. I'd expect this kind of droll performance from the likes of Early Doucet, Buffalo and Michael Jenkins, but Tom Brady? He looked awful last night.
Travis continues to have a steely grip on first place and, considering UVa just beat FSU, he could be having his best week ever.
Commissioner Blow Hard vs. Sean The Anti-Clinch
If Jason had rolled this squad out last season, we'd be thinking, "Man, that's a dominant roster. Hey, aren't Julio Jones and AJ Green still in college? The Commish is getting cocky!" But sadly, this is 2011 and I have to type things like:
- Willis McGahee would have scored more points if he got injured during beast mode warm-ups.
- Santonio Holmes with only a 2.6? Must have been a really, really cold swimming pool.
So, yeah, he lost. But Miami won (and scored a lot of points with their defense), so things netted out.
Meanwhile, Sean is enjoying a big win from his couch in the league's basement and now, thanks to Jay Cutler's broken pacifier... er... thumb injury and Vick's bum McRibs, he'll have to find a plan C at quarterback that isn't Josh Freeman.
Electric Baconloo vs. FrayedEndsofSanityNoSpaces
Tim Tebow is fun. Not since Jim Abbott have we seen a professional athlete that was this successful despite a glaring handicap. Enjoy the freakshow, everyone. Has Tebow now supplanted Forrest Whittaker as the world's most successful retarded person? Serious question. I still think it's very close.
Anyway, thanks to a famously crap performance by Deion Branch on Monday, I continue my mild march toward the playoffs, despite an unhealthy and useless affinity for Roy Helu.
Shaft in Africa vs. Bucky Thong
I don't know how you guys feel about it, but I love the thing the Commish does where he makes fun of everyone's team names in these recaps. It's my favorite part of doing recaps for him.
This was one of those matchups where every player offered up a pretty middlin' game of the year except Jordy Nelson and Vincent Jackson. Both teams underperformed versus their projections and, luckily, Mike's team won the war of attrition. High fives to all.
Also, I can't believe there's a guy named Doug Baldwin in the NFL. That's a car salesman - not a wide receiver.
Gronkowski, Stafford & Associates vs. The Goy's NY Giants
Matt Stafford is a good bad quarterback. His accuracy is awful, but his arm strength is good, so occasionally you'll get games like this where he puts up five TDs and two INTs. That's a good thing. Too bad his teammates Jackie Battle and Brandon Jacobs couldn't muster any support. This could have been a better matchup.
Mike Frank takes the win and the fourth spot in the playoffs. And I admit - if his roster didn't have Reggie Wayne on it, I'd be very scared. Lots of potent scorers in there. He could take the cup easily.
Clinched Up Sandusky Smile vs. Chootie Choot
Fortunately for Travis, Robby played one of the crappest games of the year and 65 points was enough to win comfortably. I'd expect this kind of droll performance from the likes of Early Doucet, Buffalo and Michael Jenkins, but Tom Brady? He looked awful last night.
Travis continues to have a steely grip on first place and, considering UVa just beat FSU, he could be having his best week ever.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Week 9 Recap - "Better Late Than Never"
OK, so if 2 weeks ago was as predictable as a Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy, this past weekend was as unpredictable as the new Muppets movie where Miss Piggy is revealed to be a dude in puppet drag. So under the category of ya just never know, here's your belated recap...
Major Blowhard 113.69 Captain Amerithong 112.49
Like the Dolphins, apparently my team only shows up once a year. Unfortunately for Rich, it was the one weekend his team showed up as well. Somehow this matchup of crappy teams was the highest scoring of the week. It took an unlikely performance from Mendenhall and Cundiff on Sunday night to complete the unlikely comeback, but when it was all said and done, your trusty commish still isn't going to make the playoffs. But it was a pretty damn fun weekend for a change.
A Tiger in Africa? 92.34 The Goy's Teeth 86.78
This one was pretty tight too, due to the Dukies starting someone named Chris Oingo Boingo for no reason whatsoever. But despite that, it was a Dead Man's Party for Mike Frank, who just didn't get enough on Monday Night out of Matt "I couldn't ever score a touchdown on three tries from the one yard line, so now I've lost all my goal line carries to some dude with dreads, and I'm pretty bitter over here" Forte.
The Choot Spas 93.18 Stupid Yard Marker 68.40
Well at least some things are still predictable. Sean's hurting team has been DOA for a month now and has officially turned into a freebie win for anyone playing him. And it's a good thing too, as Robby needed it, given how badly his Terps played on Saturday. They laid a turd and a half. And nobody fears the Turd.
FrayedEndsofSanity 83.75 Squirrelfucker Jones 67.12
This week, Steve-O made his own kind of music and managed to start two positions with negative points. That's hard to do, unless you're cursed somehow. After the loss, he is holding a 2 game lead in the race for the final playoff spot, so now we're all just wondering how he's going to blow it. (I mean the playoff spot.) The most likely candidate to come back on him is the previously underachieving Bradley, who toppled Steve-O thanks to the power of Tebow.
The Electric Bacon 93.87 Falafel 1st Class 92.57
In the marquee battleof the week between the league leaders, Falafel goes down under the weight of his own hubris as well as his underestimation of the superhuman abilities of Matt Moore. But who really cares, in the scheme of things? Both these guys are making the playoffs and should start looking at those weeks' team matchups now and make all their transactions accordingly. Maine's long term concern is obviously the Packers resting players if they clinch, and Falafel's long term concern is picking the wrong QB or D to start. Meanwhile, Maine's short term concern is finding the best all-you-can-eat bacon in Vegas, and Falafel's short term concern is to stop acting like a little bitch.
That is all.
- The Commish
Major Blowhard 113.69 Captain Amerithong 112.49
Like the Dolphins, apparently my team only shows up once a year. Unfortunately for Rich, it was the one weekend his team showed up as well. Somehow this matchup of crappy teams was the highest scoring of the week. It took an unlikely performance from Mendenhall and Cundiff on Sunday night to complete the unlikely comeback, but when it was all said and done, your trusty commish still isn't going to make the playoffs. But it was a pretty damn fun weekend for a change.
A Tiger in Africa? 92.34 The Goy's Teeth 86.78
This one was pretty tight too, due to the Dukies starting someone named Chris Oingo Boingo for no reason whatsoever. But despite that, it was a Dead Man's Party for Mike Frank, who just didn't get enough on Monday Night out of Matt "I couldn't ever score a touchdown on three tries from the one yard line, so now I've lost all my goal line carries to some dude with dreads, and I'm pretty bitter over here" Forte.
The Choot Spas 93.18 Stupid Yard Marker 68.40
Well at least some things are still predictable. Sean's hurting team has been DOA for a month now and has officially turned into a freebie win for anyone playing him. And it's a good thing too, as Robby needed it, given how badly his Terps played on Saturday. They laid a turd and a half. And nobody fears the Turd.
FrayedEndsofSanity 83.75 Squirrelfucker Jones 67.12
This week, Steve-O made his own kind of music and managed to start two positions with negative points. That's hard to do, unless you're cursed somehow. After the loss, he is holding a 2 game lead in the race for the final playoff spot, so now we're all just wondering how he's going to blow it. (I mean the playoff spot.) The most likely candidate to come back on him is the previously underachieving Bradley, who toppled Steve-O thanks to the power of Tebow.
The Electric Bacon 93.87 Falafel 1st Class 92.57
In the marquee battleof the week between the league leaders, Falafel goes down under the weight of his own hubris as well as his underestimation of the superhuman abilities of Matt Moore. But who really cares, in the scheme of things? Both these guys are making the playoffs and should start looking at those weeks' team matchups now and make all their transactions accordingly. Maine's long term concern is obviously the Packers resting players if they clinch, and Falafel's long term concern is picking the wrong QB or D to start. Meanwhile, Maine's short term concern is finding the best all-you-can-eat bacon in Vegas, and Falafel's short term concern is to stop acting like a little bitch.
That is all.
- The Commish
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Week 8 Recap - "Predictable"
Except for the Rams somehow beating the Saints, that was pretty much the most completely and utterly predictable weekend of football so far this year. Same goes for our league....
The Goy's Teeth 86.33 - Major Blowhard 76.18
OK, while it wasn't at all shocking that Rivers would suck yet again and screw me yet again, I still can't believe I lost to this guy. I mean, look at him!!!
A Tiger in Africa? 93.16 - The Choot Spas 67.30
No surpises here either, unless you count Robby starting Brian Hartline at WR. This was like Duke beating Maryland in basketball. Nobody is batting an eye when Duke wins by a score of 93-67.
FrayedEndsofSanity 83.97 - Stupid Yard Marker 78.85
So the last place team that has most of his players hurt and/or on bye and is 1-6 on the season and is bald...that team loses? Who would have thunk it?!! I mean, slap my ass and call me Nancy, I didn't see that one coming!
Squirrelfucker Jones 88.35 - The Electric Bacon 80.52
Guess this one could have gone either way, but with Aaron Rodgers on bye and Steve having that leprechaun shoved way way up his ass, no big twist ending on this one either. That 3.72 points from Joe "Flacid" Flacco really wasn't going to help too much there, hoss.
Falafel 1st Class 118.87 - Captain Amerithong 68.78
Ho hum. Travis puts up another big point total and Rich is his bitch as usual.
Oh, and I padded this recap with pictures because I'm bitter and lazy. Like I said - Predictable.
Peace,
- The Commish
The Goy's Teeth 86.33 - Major Blowhard 76.18
OK, while it wasn't at all shocking that Rivers would suck yet again and screw me yet again, I still can't believe I lost to this guy. I mean, look at him!!!
A Tiger in Africa? 93.16 - The Choot Spas 67.30
No surpises here either, unless you count Robby starting Brian Hartline at WR. This was like Duke beating Maryland in basketball. Nobody is batting an eye when Duke wins by a score of 93-67.
FrayedEndsofSanity 83.97 - Stupid Yard Marker 78.85
So the last place team that has most of his players hurt and/or on bye and is 1-6 on the season and is bald...that team loses? Who would have thunk it?!! I mean, slap my ass and call me Nancy, I didn't see that one coming!
Squirrelfucker Jones 88.35 - The Electric Bacon 80.52
Guess this one could have gone either way, but with Aaron Rodgers on bye and Steve having that leprechaun shoved way way up his ass, no big twist ending on this one either. That 3.72 points from Joe "Flacid" Flacco really wasn't going to help too much there, hoss.
Falafel 1st Class 118.87 - Captain Amerithong 68.78
Ho hum. Travis puts up another big point total and Rich is his bitch as usual.
Oh, and I padded this recap with pictures because I'm bitter and lazy. Like I said - Predictable.
Peace,
- The Commish
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