Commissioner Blow Hard vs. Sean The Anti-Clinch
If Jason had rolled this squad out last season, we'd be thinking, "Man, that's a dominant roster. Hey, aren't Julio Jones and AJ Green still in college? The Commish is getting cocky!" But sadly, this is 2011 and I have to type things like:
- Willis McGahee would have scored more points if he got injured during beast mode warm-ups.
- Santonio Holmes with only a 2.6? Must have been a really, really cold swimming pool.
So, yeah, he lost. But Miami won (and scored a lot of points with their defense), so things netted out.
Meanwhile, Sean is enjoying a big win from his couch in the league's basement and now, thanks to Jay Cutler's broken pacifier... er... thumb injury and Vick's bum McRibs, he'll have to find a plan C at quarterback that isn't Josh Freeman.
Electric Baconloo vs. FrayedEndsofSanityNoSpaces
Tim Tebow is fun. Not since Jim Abbott have we seen a professional athlete that was this successful despite a glaring handicap. Enjoy the freakshow, everyone. Has Tebow now supplanted Forrest Whittaker as the world's most successful retarded person? Serious question. I still think it's very close.
Anyway, thanks to a famously crap performance by Deion Branch on Monday, I continue my mild march toward the playoffs, despite an unhealthy and useless affinity for Roy Helu.
Shaft in Africa vs. Bucky Thong
I don't know how you guys feel about it, but I love the thing the Commish does where he makes fun of everyone's team names in these recaps. It's my favorite part of doing recaps for him.
This was one of those matchups where every player offered up a pretty middlin' game of the year except Jordy Nelson and Vincent Jackson. Both teams underperformed versus their projections and, luckily, Mike's team won the war of attrition. High fives to all.
Also, I can't believe there's a guy named Doug Baldwin in the NFL. That's a car salesman - not a wide receiver.
Gronkowski, Stafford & Associates vs. The Goy's NY Giants
Matt Stafford is a good bad quarterback. His accuracy is awful, but his arm strength is good, so occasionally you'll get games like this where he puts up five TDs and two INTs. That's a good thing. Too bad his teammates Jackie Battle and Brandon Jacobs couldn't muster any support. This could have been a better matchup.
Mike Frank takes the win and the fourth spot in the playoffs. And I admit - if his roster didn't have Reggie Wayne on it, I'd be very scared. Lots of potent scorers in there. He could take the cup easily.
Clinched Up Sandusky Smile vs. Chootie Choot
Fortunately for Travis, Robby played one of the crappest games of the year and 65 points was enough to win comfortably. I'd expect this kind of droll performance from the likes of Early Doucet, Buffalo and Michael Jenkins, but Tom Brady? He looked awful last night.
Travis continues to have a steely grip on first place and, considering UVa just beat FSU, he could be having his best week ever.
