Hey Party People!
I'd like to begin this recap by noting that this year every single person in the league has a favorite NFL team that is either sucking ass, underachieving, or both. And that means that everyone's hopes and dreams and happiness and sense of self-worth are now tied up solely in the fortunes of their fantasy teams. So that being said, now that we're half-way through the season, let's take stock of the league using one of my favorite gimmicks - The Power Poll! (Note: also the nickname of Steve's vibrator.)
BOTTOM FEEDERS DIVISION
10. Bradley "King Nothing" Malemezian
Brad is epitomizing his King Nothing moniker this season, by literally doing nothing. He's made 7 moves so far. He's the Jacksonville Jaguars of the league, not even cracking 500 total points yet. Amendola and Murray have been hurt, which nobody except everybody saw coming. But the good news is that he has 6 players on bye this week, so at least he has something to look forward to.
Best Value Pick: Le'v'e'o'n Bell ($5)
Worst Value Pick: CJ "BJ" Spiller ($59)
9. Brabby Normother Colemal
The Numbers don't lie. The once mighty champion is clearly in a rebuilding year, and is currently tanking in hopes of a better draft pick in 2014. How else to explain starting Cutler over Wilson last week? Anyhow, at this point Brother Cole just spends Sundays staring longingly at his barren mantel, contemplating trades he should have made 4 years ago.
Best Value Pick: Jordan "Michael" Cameron ($1)
Worst Value Pick: MJD AKA "Junkyard Dog" ($35)
***IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT***
It has been decided by the competition committee that there is a new booby prize for finishing in LAST place. If you finish in 10th place, then you are hereby designated as "Auction Bitch" at next year's draft. And while that only entails having to type the winning bids into the computer during the draft for a couple hours, the humiliation will last a lifetime.
GENERAL FOOLISHNESS DIVISION
8. Mike "Mr. F" Frank Singing Cat
While Mike is still liable to finish 7-7, his talented team has issues with underachieving so far. He can't decide which QB to play. He has two guys - Bush and Sproles - who might actually be the same person. And Trent Richardson looks slower than something really really slow. I dunno...like a sloth or a snail maybe? Anyhow, his guys better step it up soon. Otherwise he's in danger of not making the playoffs for the every time ever.
Best Value Pick: Antonio "UPS" Brown ($10)
Worst Value Pick:Trent "The Cleveland Steamer" Richardson ($49)
7. Sean 4-Man
While Ray Rice does indeed still suck, there's a slim chance that Sean's team doesn't anymore. He's put up some decent totals in the past month with a couple of wins to show for it. And while nobody is picking him to win the championship or even make the playoffs, perhaps a strong finish will land him in that coveted Rogaine commercial. .. Bonus props to him for starting and winning with Payton "Jello Legs" Hillis last night. He is SMRT and BLAD.
Best Value Pick: Tony "Romas" Romo ($6)
Worst Value Pick: All together now... Ray Rice! ($51)
WHO KNOWS DIVISION
6. Falafel Falafel Falafel
Now we get into the fuzzy part of the rankings, where everyone has a chance to make a run. In Travis's case, it's not looking good though. He's stuck with a suddenly 53-year-old Tom Brady and is super thin at running back beyond Jamaal "976 carries" Charles and Charles "3 random good games a year" Johnson. If Jimmy Graham's injury lingers, Falafel could be toast.
Best Value Pick: Anquan "Bold" Boldin ($3)
Worst Value Pick: Tom "So Sad" Brady ($30)
5. Yes Yes Bacon! No No Heartattack!
Well this is a mish-mash of a team. I have no idea what's going on with this squad and I bet Maine doesn't either. TY Hilton could blow up now or get lost in double coverage with Wayne out. Doug Martin could be out 1 week or 10, which could either hurt or help Maine's team. Jaret Boykin could be awesome or a one-week wonder. Cecil Shorts will continue to be Cecil Shorts though. So in conclusion, 5 seems about right here.
Best Value Pick: Alshon Jeffrey ($1 from Travis)
Worst Value Pick: Doug Martin Lawrence ($1 million)
THE CONTENDERS
4. Overrated Thong
Despite a gaudy 6-1 record and no obvious signs of a post-Championship hangover, when you look closer, Thong's team ain't all that. He's got Ryan at QB who has nobody to throw to anymore. He's had - by far - the least amount of points scored against him. And he never learned to read. So he'll make the playoffs, but lose in the first round this time.
Best Value Pick: Josh "Flash" Gordon ($3)
Worst Value Pick: Jason "Witty" Witten ($13)
3. Commish.
Peyton Manning can mask a lot of ills on a team. Like a bad Denver offensive line. And two badly hurt stud WRs. And bad drafting at RB. And a bad RB trade. And an injured and overrated defense. But still...Peyton Manning.
Best Value Pick: Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning. ($35)
Worst Value Pick: David "Brokeneck Mountain" Wilson ($14)
2. Robby?
That's right - Robby. Rodgers. Fitzgerald. McFadden. Gore. Decker. DJax. A Not-Dead Finley. Chutzpah. Chut Spa. This team has it all?
Best Value Pick:Eric Decker ($6)
Worst Value Pick:Zac Studfeld ($2)
1. Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve!
We all better hope the Steve Squad misses out on the playoffs after a slow start to his season. Because he's got a damn good chance to win it all. With the return of Gronk, the emergence of Zac Stacy, the trade for Knowshon Moreno, the maturation of Keenan Allen, the Percy Harvin waiting the bench, and the trip to Costco for Imodium in bulk, Steve's team is now a frickin force to be reckoned with.
Best Value Pick: ($3)
Worst Value Pick: ($13)
Cheers,
The Commish
