“Playoffs? Playoffs??? Don’t talk about playoffs! I’m just hoping we can win a game!” So says the most bitter and spiteful team owner in League history. But it's all good, because, as a consolation prize, I get to preview this year's Playoff Matchups for the Chicken Bone Cup. It's an All-ACC Playoff, with 3 Cavaliers (whatever the fuck that is) and 1 Frightened Turtle. And we all know that has about as much appeal as taking a shower with Jerry Sandusky! So, sit back and enjoy your "2013 Chicken Bone Playoff Preview: Go Fuck a Goat Edition."
Game 1
Trophy Thong vs. Yes! Yes! Bacon
Are you ready for some Bacon on Thong action??? Pigs in a Thong, anyone? Defending Champion Thong enters this matchup riding a hot one-game win streak and sporting the league's best defense. Only 1037 points were scored on Thong this season. So, Thong has not been involved in a lot of scoring this year. Sorry to hear that!
The Fightin’ Thongs go into battle with Matt Ryan at QB, a solid receiving corps starring some French Fuck and a guy who hasn't yet realized he still plays for the Browns.....speaking of which, I need to go take the Browns to the Super Bowl.....
.....ok, I'm back. Much better now. And he has a ridiculous stable of RBs with Lynch, Morris and Rainey. Unstoppable? Perhaps!
On the flip side, Maine comes into this matchup as a first-time participant in the Chicken Bone playoffs! So, you know, good luck with that! Maine is starting Matthew Stafford at QB, who is awesome as long as he isn't playing in a fucking Nor’easter. Also, he has some scraps at WR and a guy named Toby running the ball. Plus he has guys named Shorts and Woodhead. I think what I am trying to say is Maine would have a better chance if he was starting Paris Hilton at WR.
This game is going to come down to one thing and one thing only: weather and matchups!
So, get out your strap on and enjoy the ride!
Yahoo Pick: Travis’ Mom’s G-String 91, Pig Flesh 89
Steve's Pick: Flip a coin? Let’s see, I’ve never hooked up with one of Rich’s ex-girlfriends, so let’s go with him.
Fun Fact #1: Maine moonlights as Sammy Hagar’s lead guitarist. I saw him play last month!
Fun Fact #2: According to studies, first-time playoff participants win 42.6% of their first round matchups. Defending champions win 72.8% of their first round matches. And I make up 94.9% of my studies!
Game 2, the Nightcap
General Gonad vs. Crazy Ass White Boy
Are you ready for some Gonad on White Boy action??? Former champion Jason enters this week hoping to place his gonads right smack on Robby’s forehead! The Fighting Peytons bring their duo of Broncos to the table along with….umm, wait, who the fuck else is on this team? Fuck it, who cares? When you have Peyton and Demaryious, you don’t need anything else! I’m sure that strategy won’t totally backfire sometime in the next two weeks!!
The better half of Strobby enters the week with a broken Aaron Rodgers along with…..wait, what? Some dumbfuck owner traded him Drew Brees in exchange for a hot bag of used tampons? Well, maybe those tampons are from Houston, the tampon capital of the world! And maybe that owner thought those tampons would really plug up the gaping holes in his roster and stop the bleeding caused by a hysterical losing streak! Who knows….I’m just speculating. But I digest….
This matchup really has all of the drama and excitement we look for every year in the playoffs. We’ve got two top QBs chucking their balls all over the place. We’ve got family members fighting to the death during the Holidays. We’ve got a great, traditional ACC football matchup between UVa and UMd alumni (so you know the quality of football will be borderline retarded).
This matchup is going to come down to one thing and one thing only: Kickers. As of this writing, Robby has one, and Jason doesn’t. My money is on the guy with a complete roster!
Disclaimer: It’s a bold strategy, but if Jason does eventually decide to drop one of his worthless bench players for a kicker, then this matchup will come down to one thing and one thing only: Peyton Manning’s arm and Robby’s receiving corps. With Drew Brees and 3 legitimate stud WRS, Robby may just have too much firepower this year.
So, get out your 10-pound Shetland Pony and enjoy the ride!
Yahoo Pick: Vanilla Ice 88, Shriveled Nads 86
Steve’s Pick: Did I seriously lose to these fuckers??? I’ll take Strobby by a cunt hair.
Fun Fact #1: Jason is dedicating this season to the memory of Nelson Mandela. Or maybe he’s dedicating it to the memories of the band Nelson and Howie Mandel? Not sure. I know it’s someone who did some important shit a long time ago!
Fun Fact #2: Robby has Syphilis.
Consolation Bracket
And, in the League’s Special Olympics, we have 2 really bad matchups! In the matchup between the Fighting Falafels and the Fighting Pretzels, we have the guys who traded stud quarterbacks for stud receivers. Nice trade, assholes. Steve’s Pick: Pretzels go better with beer, take Mike Frank and the points!
And finally, in the battle of the Douchebags, Abby Normal takes on I Love Lamp. Perfect names, since these teams were clearly managed this entire season by Peter Boyle’s corpse and Brick Tamland, respectively. Remember when everyone was afraid to play my team in the playoffs? Yeah, go fuck a goat!
Will we see a rematch of last year’s Chicken Bone Finals? Will Hell freeze over and Robby win a championship, signifying the End of Times (and 6 more weeks of winter)? Will Steve lose yet another week and go on an Aaron Hernand-esque murder spree? Tune in to find out!
