Howdy Folks,
No point in waiting for tomorrow to recap this bitch, as results are pretty much wrapped up here in week 5. Let's get to it...
Commish over Mazzle
After a strong start to the season, Bradley "is a girl" Malemezian loses her second matchup in a row. Also of note, spell-check believes that the correction for "Malemezian" is "Megalomania." And after this week, it sure isn't "Megatron." Between Calvin Johnson's no-shows and the lack of any RB depth, it might be a long October for her team. ... Meanwhile, Commish is cruising along nicely thanks to consistent play across the board, expert drafting, and boyishly good looks.
New Bruce over Bacon
Question: What do Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Willis, Bruce Smith, Bruce Hornsby, Bruce Bochy, Bruce Campbell, and Bruce Lee all have in common?
Answer: They're all better at fantasy football than the New Bruce.
P.S. And you know that Springsteen would just try to draft offensive guards, H-backs, long snappers, and nickel corners because they're the "working class" men of the NFL. He'd be terrible at fantasy!
Despite all that, for one week, my esteemed brother gets Ben Tate and Eddie Lacy back and all is right with the world. Mike Cole improves to 1-4 on the season and with one more win next week, he'll still have no shot. But he will have false hope!
On the flippity flop, Maine's Donald Brown magic has seemingly run out. Though only at 2-3, he's already running on fumes. Not looking good at all. Also, he would have been better off starting his mom's cunt instead of the Cincinnati defense.
Steve O my Steve O over Shit-Stained Falafel
Steve has a 70% chance of winning tonight, while Travis, coincidentally, has a 70% chance of being a douche-bag tonight. But even assuming that Steve holds on to move to 4-1, he must be having a crisis of confidence right now. His Monte Ball pick is not working out at all, he's flailing at Tight End, and he knows he can't count on 36 points from his defense and kicker every week. It's no wonder he's been impotent for two and a half years.
And I don't just mean impotent in fantasy football. I'm telling you that he cannot get his penis erect no matter who he drafts or picks up off the waiver wire. He can't get off on any of his players, no matter how hard he slaps his roster around. You wonder why he makes so many transactions? It's because he's trying to chase that Dennis Northcutt aphrodisiac, but it just isn't working for him anymore. You wonder why he doesn't show up at drafts? It's because he's embarrassed that his dick is limper than Robby's wrist. It's not a coincidence that you can find the words staff, cobb, and ball on his team. You do the math. It's sad....
Sean over Thong
On paper, this one was another major mismatch. Thong (an emerging chicken bone dynasty) vs. Sean (auction bitch supreme). Well folks, that's why they don't play fantasy football on paper!!! (Um...I guess they used to, but then we all got computers...er ..never mind...) Sean kicks the ever-loving crap out of Thong and is officially the surprise team to be reckoned with this year (e.g. 2013 Robby, 2012 Steve). Like the best porn-stars, his team has a few holes, but he's getting production from every nook and cranny. Also like the best porn-stars, he's bald.
Mike Frank over Robby
Enough about MFrank's mediocrity. Let's talk Robby's team (probably for the last time). He finally gets a huge week out of Peyton Manning, but continues to mismanage the rest of his roster to comic lengths. He trots out the corpse of Larry Fitzgerald week after week. He has both Buffalo running backs on his team, guaranteeing that he'll start the wrong one. He still has the terrible New Orleans defense employed. And his Wide Receivers are AWFUL! Jordan Matthews. Kenny Stills. Brian Hartline! What is he doing? This year is a lost cause, but hopefully this public shaming (as opposed to Steve's pubic shaming), will do him some good. There's always next year. And hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
Lastly, I don't get the "Haunted Fudge" name. What am I missing here? What does it mean? Makes less sense than his pathetic fucking excuse for a roster.
Cheers bitches!
- The Commish
