Howdy folks,
We're exactly halfway through the regular season, so let's do some power rankings up in here....
10. Haunted Fudge
Robby is the clear-cut leader for Auction Bitch so far. He's officially the Oakland Raiders of this league, mismanaging roster beyond all comprehension. He needs to fire himself immediately and hire Mike Holmgren. Also, his team name makes no sense. Also, Fred Jackson AND CJ Spiller both got hurt this week. Also, he's under investigation by Yahoo for HGH abuses back in the early 90s. Also, he sucks.
9. BaconCraft
Maine gets the nod over Mike Cole in the 9 spot, as everything that could go wrong this season for him, has. He should just change his team name to Murphy's Law of Bacon. There are easily three guys on his roster he could drop immediately, but he just doesn't have the energy anymore. He's bitter and numb and all hope is lost.
8. New-Bruce
Speaking of lost hope, Mike's only goal at this point is to stay out of last place. Drew Brees has been his downfall. It's been a steep fall from the glory days, and he's now just a husk of a shadow of a man.
7. The Memory Remains
Bradley continues his proud tradition of being in this league. He consistently starts 10 players and puts up points in a multitude of categories, including, but not limited to: yards, touchdowns, and extra points. His players have names like "Matt" and "Jeremy." He has two defenses on his roster and picks the best one to start based on the perceived matchup strength. He wins some weeks and loses others. Overall, Bradley indeed manages a fantasy football team in our league.
6. Thongtastic
You could argue for Rich to be ranked anywhere from 3 to 7. He has both a 3 game winning streak
and 3 game losing streak on the season, so no telling how good he really is or what happens from
here on out. But if he can get AJ Green back and healthy for the
stretch run, he may just have a chance. Or not. Hell, I don't know and neither do you.
5. Gutterballs
No way Mike Frank can be ranked higher than 5, just on general principle. He will 1000% lose this week - the line is so high, it's off the board in Vegas. (His roster, however, does have some talent. If he gets in the playoffs at 7-7, I wouldn't want to play him.)
4. Shit-Stain
Travis could be feisty down the stretch.
His team is getting healthy, and he has Josh Gordon waiting in the
wings. He has some running back issues, but that's nothing that can't
be improved on the waiver wire. He also has the devastating Luck to
Hilton combo. My bold prediction is that he goes on a major win streak,
goes 5-2 in the second half of the season and squeaks into the playoffs
at 8-6. (And that prediction is in no way trying to jinx him at all.)
3. Fire Will Muschamp
Steve-O gets the three spot, as usual. He's got the best three WRs in the league, but the rest of his team keeps him up at night. He'll continue to work the wire though to grab the latest third string running back. And he'll drink himself to sleep with three fingers of scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch.
2. Colonel Choad
Your trusty Commish has been doing fine
and dandy, but has some question marks. Wide Receiver is an issue, the
Seattle Defense has been terrible, and Julius Thomas is bound to regress
the second half. Should be able to make the playoffs, but there are
concerns around camp. Look for him to make another trade before the
deadline to shore up his roster for the last few weeks.
1. How High 2 - Pgh RBs
And the top spot in the power rankings goes to the top spot in the league - Sean "Sausage King" Forman! His team is stacked in the back and, going into the second half, is the odds-on favorite to win the whole damn thing. Seriously - look at his fucking roster! It's really really good. (And that, my friends, is the kind of hard hitting analysis you've come to expect from me.)
So, good luck to Sean and to the five other owners I wouldn't mind winning! (You four others know who you aren't.)
Cheers,
The Commish
