Week 7 Recap

Hi folks,

Hey now!  Halfway through the season, this league is tighter than a frogs twat!  There is less distribution than the first season of Breaking Bad!  These records are closer than...um...things that are really close.  .. In other news, this is my seventh recap in a row, which has to be some sort of record.  I'm running on fumes here people!  Plus I'm still drunk from all those weekend Mole Day parties.  So you might not be getting my best effort here...  That being said, let's do this thing...

Steve 134   Commish 119
Well shit.  I knew I didn't want to play Steve this week.  Couldn't Arian Foster tear all his joints in the first quarter instead of the fourth?  Irregardless, with his fantasy team rolling, the Gators having a surprisingly good season, and the Mets in the World Series, everything is coming up Steven.  He is feelin good.  Meanwhile, I'm going to go put in a waiver claim for Alfred Blue now...

Mike Cole Swallows Cum Then Europeans His Mouth  117  Bradley's Nightmare 98

A few random observations after an ugly Mike Cole win that I don't feel like writing about...

• Jimmy Graham has really been up and down this year.
• I'm tired of seeing C. Johnson in the box scores and having to take the extra 4 seconds to figure out which one it is.  
• LeGarrette Blount might be the most frustrating guy in the league to own.
• Speaking of blunts, Delane Walker is being passed around the league like pot at Snoop's house.  Need a Bye week TE fill in, he's your guy!

Thongs 140  Woodchippers 120

Once again, Thong decides to start all 10 players and once again he walks away with a victory.  I think he might be onto something here.  Also a big game from TY.   Mike Frank slips to 4-3 and will no doubt finish 7-7...blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda... There's something to be said for consistency I suppose.  Mike Frank is also a Mets fan.  If they win the World Series, he is planning on having a 4-way with Steve, Daniel Murphy, and Mr. Met.  

Bacon 107  Falafel 104

In the battle of 2-4 teams, Bacon comes out on top by giving Falafel cancer.  

Robby! 170  Sausage Queen 85

In the total beat-down of the week, Robby doubles up Sean to take over sole possession of first place.  Thanks to the Pats and the Dolphins, this one was over by about 2:30 on Sunday.  Damn, lucky Robby...  That almost makes up for The Terps, The Canes, and the Fins all firing their head coaches in the middle of the season.  That is nuts.  Damn, poor Robby...

Whew I'm Spent,

The Commish

Week 6 Recap

Hi folks!!  Happy Tuesday!!

Lots of dirt to dish this week to lets go straight to the recap...


Officer Jason 147   Mike Cole Swallows 126

A respectable showing from The Swallows, but just not enough this week.  He really misses Ben Roethlisberger.  A couple notes on my team, who despite my 4 wins in a row, is starting to show some cracks:

• When did Eddie Lacy decide to suck?  Did I miss a meeting?  What the hell, man!?!
• Every year I tell myself I'm not going to end up with a Patriots running back because their usage is too unpredictable, and every year I end up with two.
• One of these weeks I'll figure out when to start DeMarco Murray.  This was not that week.
• I'd sure like Anquan Boldin back about now.  Can we institute 1 free player take back a year?
• On my roster is a Brandon, a Brandon, and Brandin.
• On my roster is a DeMarco, a Devonta, and a Demaryius.

House of Rich  139    Frantic Bradley  103

A Thong sighting!  With help from the returning Alshon Jeffrey, Rich is on the board with his first win of the year.  He decided to go with the controversial strategy of setting his lineup and not playing anyone on bye or inactive.  And it paid off handsomely!  Go figure!


Fargo Franks 109   Darth Travis 99

A ten point win for the second week in a row, the Fightin Franks move to two games over .500.  That won't last.  Meanwhile, Falafel tears up his ACL playing "basketball" and not - as has been rumored in the press - at an orgy at Rob Gronkowski's house.

Winnebago Robby 113   Maine Bacon 90

Robby gets back to his winning ways with help from Lamar Miller of all people.  Meanwhile, Maine's running backs consist of 150-year-old Frank Gore, Melvin "0.90 points" Gordon, somebody named "Charcandrick," and 17 crappy Giants running backs.  He should have stuck with his old strategy of overpaying for kickers at the draft.  At least that way, he couldn't be too disappointed.  Even with Andrew Luck back, this season is deteriorating rapidly for Maine. Also, "Rapidly Deteriorating Bacon" would be a great team name.

Loser Steve 175   Bigger Loser Sean Sausage 135

In the well-deserved beat-down of the week, Sean finally suffers some comeuppance for his antics of the past few weeks.  About damn time someone took that motherfucker down!!!  And speaking of comeuppance, Steve is coming up strong.  His roster is stacked and only getting stacked-er.  I do not want to play his team any time soon.  Wait, what's that?  Oh.  

- The Commish

Week 5 Recap

Hey Folks,

Parity.  That's the name of  the game in Chicken Bone so far this year.  Eight out of the ten teams in the league are either 2-3 or 3-2.  (We'll get to the other two later.)  That means every game counts for everyone in ways we couldn't have even imagined in our wildest imaginations before the season started.  One misplaced kicker could make or break your season.  One wrong choice at FLEX and you're on the next train to Jeanshortsville.  So keep your wits about you, work the waiver wire, and - if you can somehow stomach it - make a trade with Mike Cole.  (You gotta do what you gotta do...)

Recap ho...


Octagon 127   Thong 72

It's amazing that between Alshon Jeffrey, Marshawn Lynch, and Jordan Cameron, they didn't manage a single point this past week.  Not one!  I mean, Rich spent a lot of money at auction on them and they are all hugely talented guys.  Nobody could have suspected they score zero points TOTAL.  Who would have guessed THAT?   Nobody could fault Rich for ignoring his lineup with those guys in there.  I mean, sure, Jeffrey and Lynch were both inactive on Sunday and Cameron was on bye.  But that's no reason to resort to the drastic move of benching them!  Even despite those handicaps, Rich had all the confidence in the world that they would produce, and you have to give him credit for sticking by his guys even with an 0-4 (now 0-5) record.  Sometimes things just don't work out the way you hope....


Frantic 107   Falafel 105

This one was closer than two catfish in a skillet.  If one of the catfish just beat by two points and lost Jamal Charles for the season.  And if the other catfish is Brad.


Fargo 112   Bacon 102

At some point this season we're going to have to come up with the Maine Levels Of Losing.  I think this one probably ranked a 13 out of 10.  Because it was a dog fight right up until the very end.  If Mike Vick just QB-sneaked (snuck?  snucked?) it into the end zone on the last play of the whole damn week, Maine would have won.  Instead, the Steelers made the asinine play call of running Le'Veon Bell out of the Wildcat and wasting all 5 seconds of game-clock even though they had a timeout.  Ridiculous.   I couldn't fall asleep for an hour after that shit, and I didn't even have a dog in the fight.  I couldn't even imagine how Maine must have felt.


Sausage 132   Swallows  123

OK.  At some point we're going to have to take this smug asshole down a peg.  First he comes in here and takes our Chicken Bone Cup.  This season he's 4-1 and in first place and won't stop shit talking.  And now he's all up bragging on our message board and trying to tell us the rules of our league!?!  Well fuck that guy!  I'm sick of his shit.  I hope Steve kicks his ever-loving ass this weekend and DeAndre Hopkins gets his leg mangled by a beagle.


Perdedor 140  Winnebago 118

So in this matchup Robby's team....sigh...wait...No.  NO.  I.  CAN'T.  EVEN.  I'm still too fired up about Sausage King and his antics around here lately.  Goddammmit!!!  He's like the Terrell Owens of our league...always trying to start shit with somebody.  And the arrogance!!!  They guys wins one lucky championship and suddenly he's "best fantasy owner of all time." And that is a direct quote from his blog.  You should see what he writes on there.  Especially about Steve.  It's even worse that what he puts on our message board.  Please, for the love of all that's good in the world, will somebody please beat this bald asshole???  I just can't deal with him anymore...

- The Commish

Week 4 Recap

Hey gang,



No preamble this week, let's go straight to the recap......

Officer Octagon 118   Falafel 83
Whether due to the start of bye weeks, or simply regression to the mean, the scores this week were way lower than last week.  118 was plenty for me to to get past Falafel's weak-ass showing of 83.  And speaking of weak ass Falafel showings....




Bacon on Chainwax 99   Frantic 78
Fantasy is weird sometimes.  One week after getting screwed over in the highest-points matchup of the whole season, Maine ends up winning by 21 points in the lowest-points matchup of the whole season.  Guess karma evens out for those who pay backtaxes.


Fargo Woodchippers  114   Winnebago Man 99
With Gronk and Brady on bye, Robby suffers his first defeat of the season.  Meanwhile, Mike Frank moves to 2-2 and is busy collecting mediocre quarterbacks.  What's that you say?  Tell you something you don't know?  Nah, I'll let Winnebago Man do it...

Sausage King & Mary 140    House of Sad Thongs 113
Sean's team keeps rolling, but on the flip side, it's time for our first eulogy of the season. It's hard to believe, but Rich's fantasy team has already met its end.  At 0-4, it's hard to imagine the Thong climbing out of this (butt)hole.  It's a sad day for the Thong...




European Swallows 120   Slurenity Now 93
Sure, Steve's team is 1-3 and in 9th place.  But how 'bout them Gators?!!!  Undefeated and ranked in the Top 12 after crushing Ole Miss in the swamp!!!  Now, I'm no gator fan, but I'm in favor of anything that will get Steve excited about football so that his high hopes and dreams can once again be dashed.   But until the Gators choke against Missouri this weekend in some horrible fashion, I'll leave you with another round of "Classic Steve" from 2004....

"Look, you ignorant jackass, you're only up by 6 points with two weeks left and you're bound to make a stupid decision this week. Besides, there's no fucking way you can possibly win the poker title, the regular season title, and the playoff title all in one year! Hell will freeze over, monkeys will fly out of Robby's ass, dogs and cats will live together, and I'll kill a puppy before that happens!!! So just be content with winning two out of three and shut the hell up for the next 3 weeks

Oh yeah, and BLOW ME!!!"



Cheers,
- The Commish