Week 7 Recap

Howdy Folks,

We are halfway through this wretched season (pipe down Travis!), and there is less parity than there has been in years.  There are 2 teams at the top, 4 teams at the bottom, and 4 in the squishy middle.  And while things can change faster than Rich’s “transitioning process,” this is all seeming pretty well sorted for 60% of us. 

Also, forget about AIDS…Why the Heck Do So Many Koalas Have Chlamydia?

Onto the recap…

107.67 | King Dong | 2-5-0 | 8th  

98.86 | Queefer Sutherland| 4-3-0 | 5th

Thanks to half of Steve’s team being on bye and his poor management, your trusty commish gets a much-needed win.   Also, holy crap I need a running back!  I may have made a few mistakes this year.  (Though I will note that Thomas outscored Barkely for the third straight week since my trade with Brad).  If anyone is looking for a WR and has any RB depth (MFrank perhaps?), please step into my office before the trade deadline. 

163.89| Bacon Far From Home | 4-3-0 | 3rd

128.90 | Odd Week Snausages |4-3-0 | 4th

In a stunning turn of events, Sean gets 3 TDs out of Sony Michel on Monday Night Football, scores the second most points in the league this week… and only loses by 35 points.    Maine’s Raider players both come up big, Dalvin Cook continues to do Dalvin Cook-like things, and Lamar Jackson must be super fun to own.   Maine is definitely looking to join Brad and Travis in the upper echelon. Having the most points scored in the league will do that.  BUT…. He is facing a hard truth right now….is it time to put Larry Fitzgerald out to pasture?  It’s a tough call after all these years, but Fitz looks like he has less left in the tank than Sean has hair on his head.   

123.19 | Rise of Falafel |6-1-0 | 1st

79.74 |Stone Cold Crazy | 6-1-0 | 2nd

We all saw this one coming.  Mazzle has been doing it with smoke and mirrors, and he also has been getting lucky in fantasy football this season.  Despite being undefeated, he was a big underdog to Falafel and that’s how this one played out.  It didn’t help that David Johnson lasted about six seconds into the game and Chase Edmonds got all the (bench) points.  But even without Chris McC, Travis took his rightful place at the top of the league.  All hail King Falafel!!!  May his reign be long, benevolent, and fruitful!!!

80.16 | Thong Stay Woke |4-3-0 | 6th

79.67 |Mr. Numbers | 2-5-0 | 7^th

Oy.  Daniel Jones over Aaron Rodgers.  This one was really sloppy and low scoring, and Mike Frank almost came back to win thanks to the Pats Defense on Monday Night.  But oy.  Daniel Jones over Aaron Rodgers.  Oy! 

OK, I know this is unprecedented and completely against the current rules, but can we all vote to take away Mike Frank’s trophy for a while?  Put it in escrow or something until Travis wins the championship?  After a decision like that, I’m just not sure if he should be representing the league as our champion.  It’s embarrassing…

75.13 | Rabbit of Caebannog | 2-5-0 | 9th

93.97 |Extra Billy | 1-6-0 | 10^th

So, at 1:43 pm on Sunday, I get this angry text from my esteemed brother:

Wow, is there nobody in this league that has their shit together this season?  Michael really could have used those fat 0.9 points from Montgomery.  Sheesh.  …  On the flip side of things, Robby gets Tyreek Hill and Todd Gurley back from injury, his first win of the season, and some hope of not being the Auction Bitch.  But Mahomes goes down with a busted kneecap, because Robby just can’t have nice things...

That’s all folks.

-         The Commish

Week 5 Recap and Power Rankings

Happy New Year Everyone!

So, you know that feeling you get when your kid runs full speed into your embrace and hugs you and, at the same time, headbutts you in the nuts?  That is the 2019 football season in a nutshell (so to speak).  Full of anticipation and love, but also immense pain.

Some random thoughts on that pain, before a slightly bitter recap/power rankings:

• I am very confused about the Dolphins/Redskins game this weekend.  Am I supposed to root for the Dolphins, as is in my DNA?  Or am I supposed to root for the Redskins, so that the Dolphins get a higher draft pick?  Or am I supposed to root for the Dolphins, so that they don’t suffer the ignominy of going 0-16?  Or am I supposed to root for the Redskins, figuring that the Dolphins can maybe beat the Jets or someone once?  OR…am I supposed to root for accidentally blinding myself by pouring bleach into my eyes and then accidentally scooping both my eyeballs out with a melonballer and then stabbing around with a knife until I impale both eyes just to make extra sure I don’t ever have to watch this atrocity of a football game? 

• Wait, did you hear that sound?  That’s the sound of UVA’s Bryce Perkins getting sacked by Notre Dame again and the Irish running back another fumble.   I’m not sure how that keeps happening a week-and-a-half later…

• Pop Quiz!  Which one of these statements about the Pittsburgh Steelers isn’t true?
A. They are down to their third string quarterback after Mason Rudolph got knocked out and concussed into next Thursday by the Ravens.
B. They couldn’t figure out how to work the medical cart to take Rudolph off the field
C. Ben Roethlisberger was fined $5000 for wearing an Apple Watch.  (side joke...what’s Sammy Hagar’s favorite type of hamburger?  A Roethlisberger!)
D. There is a potential 80's move villain on their roster named Brogan Roback who has a non-zero chance of taking snaps at QB and who looks like this:

E. The New York Giants are 2-3 and would gladly trade Eli Manning to Pittsburgh for a corned-beef sandwich.
F. Sean is sad and bald
Answer – Just kidding! They’re all true!


Power Rankings Time!  Let’s count down from suck….

10.  King Dung
After “earning” negative Pi points last night, Baker Mayfield is dead to me.  Dead like Donte Moncrief.  He will NEVER be on my fantasy team again.  N.E.V.E.R.  DEAD!!!!!  … Also, as we were lying in bed last night before going to sleep, my lovely wife says to me, quote… “It’ll be OK, being Auction Bitch isn’t that bad.”  Really.  So…. that’s about where things are right now…

9. Extra Billy
Now don’t get me wrong, Robby is winless and doesn’t have a good team.  But he has 52 season points more than me and deserved to win the Strobby bowl this weekend.  He lost by 5 points and had not one, but two players go down with injuries minutes into the game.  He deserved better.  Not much better, but better…

8 (tie).  Rabbit of Something or Other
After getting almost doubled-up by Sean, Mike Cole is flailing.  This is a team that should be better, but due to injuries and general managerial incompetence, this team is way underachieving.  It’s also not even interesting enough to waste more words.

8 (tie). Steve
You’re not fooling anyone there in 5th place dude!  Your team sucks!  You’re just guessing at a quarterback each week, your running backs are mediocre, your Tight End is hurt, and Odell Beckham is still haunting you from beyond the Giants.  You should have quit fantasy football when you said you would!!!   Why are you even still doing this?!

6. Thong?
Hmm…I dunno.  This feels about right.  I mean, he’s Thong, so he’s not winning anything this season.  And it’s not clear he has the horses to keep up with the big dogs.  But he’s a nice guy and a Redskins fan and got crushed this week by his alleged friend Travis, so it feels wrong to slam him too much.  So, I’ll rank him at 6th, which is probably 2 spots higher than he has earned.  I hope that helps his self-esteem.

5 (tie).  Mr. Numbers 
The defending champ has issues too…is any team actually good this year? (Spoiler alert…yes!  Stay tuned…)  Mike pretty much maxed out his talent this week and put up a big 140 points.  Unfortunately for him, Maine put up 147.  This is shaping up to be a patented Mike Frank 7-7 season, which would be a proper regression to the mean for him after last season’s aberration (note….MS Word just tried to correct a misspelled “aberration” to “abortion,” which also would have worked in that sentence.) … On the flip side, Mike won trivia for us last night by knowing which is by far the best-selling model of automobile in US History (*answer at bottom).

5 (tie).  Snausages
This year’s Jekyll and Hyde Team.  And I’m not talking about Carlos.  136, 86, 142, 85, 168 – those are Sean’s week-by-week point totals for the season.  This pattern will be surely tested this week when he faces off against your pessimistic Commish.  … The Wall Street Journal states that “Mr. Forman’s team has some interesting pieces, but it lives and dies by the Houston Texans offense, which might account for the variable point total. More data is needed to confirm.” ….. Also, at trivia last night, there was a whole category where we had to identify bald men by their pictures.  Needless to say, led by Sean, we got every single one right.  True story.


And now we get to LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh – A.K.A “The Big Three”


3.  Bacon Far From Home
He has a team name that makes no sense.  It’s based on the title of a Spider-Man movie, but so what?  He can do better.  May I suggest Spider-Ham?  … But more importantly, his team is pretty decent.  He’s got two exciting young QBs to choose incorrectly from each week based on matchups.  He’s got the two Raiders worth a shit.  He’s got Dalvin Cook and Aaron Jones and Keenan Allen.   He’s got enough top-shelf talent here to leave 46(!) points from Will Fuller V on the bench and still put up a 147-spot.  … He’s thin on RB depth, but otherwise, this could be an interesting situation….

2.  Mazzle Far from Last
Undefeated on the season and with a laughable Points Against average, Brad is cruising along…  He’s got some nice pieces and has Saquon Barkley coming back from injury soon.  But sometimes a Thomas in the Hand is worth two Giants in the Bush.  If you know what I mean, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.  So we shall see…

1.  Rise of Falafel
This is the team to beat.  He rolled the dice on draft day and they came up sevens.  His Running Backs are off-the-charts good.  His Seattle QB-WR connection is rolling.  He has someone named DJ Chark with 5 Touchdowns already.  (Singing..DJ..Chark.do.do.do.do.do.do…)  He’s got depth and a top 3 Tight End to boot.   Oh, and just for fun, he’s got AJ Green maybe coming back at some point.  For fuck sake, this team is good!!!  At this point, I don’t see any way that Travis doesn’t win the Chicken Bone Cup.  I'm rooting for you buddy!!


Good luck to everyone on surviving the season....


Cheers,
-The Commish


* Ford F-Series Trucks

Week 1-2 Recap/Headlines

Howdy Folks!

Happy 100^th NFL season everyone!!!  Are we all having a good time so far?  How my Dolphins, Giants, Steelers, and Redskins fans in the house doing?!   Feel the combined 0-8 excitement!!!

What a fucking joke of a season so far.  At least college football has been festive.

Here are some headlines from the Chicken Bone season so far, which at least can’t go badly for everyone….

102.09 King Dong  1-1-0 | 8th
88.87 Rise of Falafel 1-1-0 | 4th
·      Commish Wins First Game, despite lack of talent
·      Rise of Falafel Sinks in First Loss
·      DeSean Jackson giveth and DeSean Jackson taketh away
·      New Study Shows having two halfway decent quarterbacks same as having no decent quarterbacks


142.77 Bacon Far From Home  2-0-0 | 2nd
93.66 Extra Billy  0-2-0 | 9th
·         Robby Still Winless, Needs Even More Billy
·         Bacon Cooking!
·         Jonesning for Bacon!
·         Digging Bacon!
·         Luke Jacksoning Bacon! [Editor correction: Lamar Jackson]
·         FBI orders investigation into why Mike Gesicki is still rostered
·         Jarvis Landry still missing in action


107.80 Thong Stay Woke 0-2-0 | 10th
129.09 Rabbit of Caebannog 1-1-0 | 7th
·         Brees Broken, Thong Stays Broke
·         Brother Cole and Julio Down by the Schoolyard
·         Dak Attack!
·         Another Year of Terrible Monty Python References and Even Worse Trade Offers
·         Thong unveils new plan to eliminate the position of “Auction Bitch.”  Commish Threatens Veto.


132.54 Mr. Numbers 1-1-0 | 3rd
125.09 Queefer Sutherland 1-1-0 | 5^th
·         Mr. Numbers finds Big Ben down for the count
·         New England Defense scores (not a typo) 37 points
·         Greg The Leg Zeurlein to now go by “Gregory”
·         Recent Reports indicate Steve enjoys farting into his own hand and smelling it


116.94 Stone Cold Crazy 2-0-0 | 1st
86.94 Snausages  1-1-0 | 6^th
·         Stone Cold Awesome!  Malemezian Stays Undefeated
·         OJ Howard’s face appears on side of milk carton
·         KHunt and Golden Tate Still Suspended, Dirty Sounding
·         Sean Forman Loses First Game, despite lots of talent

Cheers bitches.

- The Commish

Bacon-wrapped Playoff Preview

Now that the field is set, here's a Bacon-wrapped Playoff Preview courtesy of Maine....

"You want a playoff preview? Here's the short version. You're probably not in it. If you're in it, you're probably going to lose. People in both of the prior two groups will feel that the outcome of the season was, to some degree, a little bit bullshit and that things would have been very different if that one thing had kinda broken their way and if they made one different choice in the draft.

Then someone will win and they'll attribute it to their sports acumen, when really, It was about as random as a game of Plinko. They'll make a self-deprecating remark about how they don't deserve it, but are happy they won it. And secretly, they'll gloat. Maybe grab their wife's butt while she cooks dinner, in a rare show of hubris and bravado around the house. And I'll be bitter.

Here's the longer version:

Top seed goes to Travis who managed to eke out a few victories by having TWO top QBs on his team all goddamned season. The whole Elliott/Chubb combo didn't exactly hurt him late either. Nor did a great start to the season by this year's winner of the Steve Largent Award for generally displaying excellence as a wide receiver, with no other caveats or conditions of note at all. Also, basically every TE stunk this year besides Zach Ertz and San Francisco Zach Ertz. Basially, with this roster, Travis would have had to murder a gypsy AND a voodoo queen to screw the season up.

Second seed goes to Mike who managed to have a top wide receiver and a top running back, both named Christian McCaffrey, on his roster. Add in Phil Rivers and Mike Evans and this was a roster filled with overachievers (DeShaun Watson sold separately). You know you've had a good season when you're relying on Davante Adams in a prominent role and things work out for you. Kudos.

Third seed goes to Steve who... I hope you're sitting down... managed to get a few wins with Mahomes and Kelce on the roster. Those poor wonderboys, averaging like 78 points per week together, didn't anchor his team too much. Also, Saquon Barkley is secretly the most talented running back in history, but we'll never know it because he's playing for both the Giants and for Steve. Still had a great season. One sad note about the wonderboys though - the year Brady and Moss lit the league up, they combined to shit the bed in the fantasy playoffs, ruining everyone's season. So good luck, Mahomes and Kelce! Stay out of the snow.

Last seed goes to the Commish who basically pulled down Todd Gurley's shorts and rode his dick straight into the playoffs. It doesn't matter that he had to rely on Leonard Fournette's cadaver-sourced hamstrings. Gurley dominated so hard that he might as well have been dreadlocked Patrick Mahomes*. Jason is hoping Juju and Wentz can pull together enough magic to get over their streakiness and produce two hot games in a row. He needs em.

My prediction? Travis wins this thing. I'm going straight chalk, like a president making his NCAA picks on TV.

*This year's winner of most ridiculous NFL haircut goes to Patrick Mahomes. He looks like an 11 year old who sits on the back of the school bus throwing hot Cheetos at kids who are trying to finish their homework. "

Week 13 Recap and Playoff Scenarios

Howdy folks,

Here are the quick Headlines from Week 13, followed by your completely trustworthy playoff scenarios assuming you don’t check the math or the logic.

What a fuckin’ world…

Fantasy football is weird.  Late last night I found myself not only rooting for Josh Adams, who I hadn’t heard of before October of this year, but also once I got ahead in the 4th quarter – in a bizarre turn of events – the one and only Mark “Butt-Fumble” Sanchez.   And my season depended on it!

  

Falafel and I were exactly tied with 7:30 remaining, and in the end, I somehow won by 1.3 points and kept my season alive for another week.   

Top Dawgs

He lost Melvin Gordon and then lost to me, but Falafel is still sitting pretty.  He’s in the playoffs and I doubt he loses again.

“I put up 155 with two goose eggs?? Be afraid. Be very afraid.” – Steve

Steve is also in the playoffs, is looking as dominant as ever, and is uncharacteristically confident.  He might have been drunk, but I doubt he loses again either.

And here comes Mr. Wrench! Maybe the hottest team in the league, Mike Frank’s squad has won 8 of his last 9 and is waltzing into the playoffs with his ball-gag held high. He may be the real team to beat here.  And statistically there’s no way he could finish 7-7. Is the Colt McCoy Cup staying in Fairfax after all?  I seriously doubt Mike loses again.  

Friends in Low Places

The bottom 4 turds couldn’t even play spoiler right.  All of these bums – Thong, MCole, Maine, and Auction Bitch Friedman – lost this week and couldn’t even crack 100.  Don’t think we can’t see you down there, ass-hats!!!

Though I will note that Maine easily has the most total points scored against him in the league.  I’m really hoping he doesn’t just snap one day and go nuts on Yahoo Headquarters.  

Playoff or Homeward Bound?

So we’re down to the last week of the regular season, and it’s unusually cut and dried.  Playoffs - 3 are in, 4 are out, and 3 are fighting for the last spot.   

Sausage, Commish, and Mazzle all won this week to keep the pressure on each other.  

Sausage and Commish are both at 8-5 and in a dead heat, separated by only 8 total points.  Mazzle is 1 game back at 7-6, but he has a slight edge on total points.  Soo….

Commish

• Win and I’m in with a Sausage loss.

• Win and outscore Sausage by -8 points, and I’m in.  

• Lose and outscore Sausage by -8 points and Mazzle by 12 points, and I’m in with a Sausage loss.

• Lose and outscore Sausage by -8 points, and I’m in with a Sausage loss and a Mazzle loss.

• Miss out on the playoffs to Sean, and I’m finding someone else to go to the Hootie and the Blowfish concert with me.  

Sausage

• Win and he’s in with a Commish loss.

• Win and outscore Commish by 8 points, and he’s in.  

• Lose and outscore Commish by 8 points and Mazzle by 20 points, and he’s in with a Commish loss.

• Lose and outscore Commish by 8 points, and he’s in with a Commish loss and a Mazzle loss.

Mazzle

• Win and needs both Commish and Sausage to lose and to not get outscored.  For more details, see yo mama.  

Well, that’s the gist of it.  

- The Commish

Week 11 Recap

Gobble gobble motherfuckers!

Holy crap!  That was some weekend of football action.  Even Yahoo was hungover this morning.  It was so intense that Mike Frank needed to use his safe-word twice (Weirdly, his safe-word is “Falafel”.)   Here are some quick hit recaps of the headlines that mattered…

Trophy Name Change?
Are we going to need to change the name of our beloved champion’s award to the Alex Smith Memorial Trophy?  Man, I was watching that live and it was gruesome.  I’m not even going to post a picture.  And that it happened 33 years to the day of the Theismann injury with an exact same 23-21 final score is nutso.


Dolphins Don’t Lose
Somehow the Dolphins managed not to lose over the weekend.  They didn’t start Brock Oswieler, didn’t turn the ball over once, didn’t have anyone on the Offensive Line injured, and didn’t even have anyone arrested.  It was a great weekend for Fins football!!  Feel the excitement!


Monday Night Madness
That Rams/Chiefs game last night was incredible.

Steve needed a halfway decent night from Mahomes/Hunt/Kelce to overtake Mike Frank and his lame political jokes, and boy howdy did they ever deliver to the tune of 78 combined points.  Mike Frank’s winning streak comes to an end, but barring a major losing streak, both him and Steve look playoff bound at 7-4.

Meanwhile, Falafel and Sausage were duking it out on the Rams’ offensive possessions.  It was looking close there early in the 4th quarter when Zeurlien kicked a field goal for Sausage and Goff lost a fumble for Falafel.  But the Rams just kept scoring and Falafel put the baby to bed.  (Sean even started all the right players for a change.)  Falafel is cruising into the playoffs, likely as the #1 seed and with a stacked roster.  I just can’t see anyone beating him this season.

Travis – can you please send me your address so I can beat the holiday rush and mail you the Alex Smith Cup this week?  I mean, it’s a done deal.  No way you can lose with a roster this good.  Nope.  No way.


In the Too Little Too Late Department
Maine wins his second in a row and his team is suddenly awesome.  Thong has won his last 3 of 5 games and is enjoying playing spoiler.  At least they won’t have to be Auction Bitch.


In the Too Little Too Little Department
Robby.


The Battle For 4th Place
Sausage, Mazzle, and Commish are in a 3-way tie at 6-5 with 3 weeks to go. Mazzle has a big edge on total points, but there’s lots of season left.  Buckle up your Pilgrim hats folks, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.


That’s all I got for y’all.  I’m spent after staying up for the 54-51 insanity last night.   I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving Holiday, that Virginia kicks the crap out of Virginia Tech, and that your Turkey wishbones snap like…well, you know…


Peace, Love, and Turkey Grease,
- The Commish

50 FACTS You Need to Know for the Homestretch!

Howdy Chickenboners!

As we head into the last 4 weeks of the regular season, some cracks are beginning to show in the contenders, others have been de-facto eliminated, and everyone is just trying to make it through the Bye Weeks alive.  And some key facts are coming into focus.  50 of them to be precise….

50 FACTS You Need to Know for the Homestretch!

1. Steve’s team is a self-proclaimed Dumpster Fire

2. Steve has the 2nd most points scored in the league

3. Robby has 325 points less than Steve

4. Robby hates Steve with a fiery passion

5. Falafel has 79 points more than Steve

6. Falafel hasn’t even thought about Steve in years

7. Falafel set an all-time record for points scored last week, putting up 196.09 big ones

8. In addition to having the most total points in the league, Falafel also somehow has the least total points against

9. That’s just not fair

10. Falafel also set an all-time record for margin of victory last week, beating Mike Cole by 111.49 points

11. Mike Cole is at 4-6 and in 7th place

12. Mike Cole’s team is terrible

13. Mike Cole thinks he can still win 4 in a row and make the playoffs

14. Really

15. There have been more trades this year than in any season since 2003

16. I just made up fact #15, but it seems entirely plausible

17. Falafel is the odds-on favorite to win the Chicken Bone Cup for the first time in a decade

18. This is thanks in part to the emergence of Nick Chubb

19. Nick Chubb was briefly on my roster earlier this season

20. I am not bitter and am enjoying cake

21. The cake is a lie

22. 37.5% of my Roster was once on Steve or Robby’s team this year

23. My team, which employs the incredible Todd Gurley II, is 5-5 for a reason

24. Mike Frank is now in 2nd place overall and has won 6 games in a row

25. One more win and Mike ties Thong with the longest winning streak of all time

26. Mike Frank is into S&M, which has nothing to do with fantasy football unless you want to know where he sticks the football in his fantasy

27. You do NOT want to know where he sticks the football

28. Thong, Robby, and Maine are all tied for Auction Bitch at 3-7

29. Maine’s roster is better than his record

30. Maine scored 171 points last week and keeps finding new and creative ways to be bitter

31. Maine has Mike Williams in his Week 11 starting lineup right now for no discernible reason

32. Maine also still has Keelan Cole on his team for no discernible reason

33. Keelan Cole is the worst Cole in this league, which includes my brother

34. “Keelan Cole” is a terrible made-up name

35. “Keelan Cole” is nothing compared to Green Bay Wide Receivers “Marquez Valdes-Scantling” and “Equanimeous St. Brown”

36. Key and Peele would be proud

37. Sean is in playoff contention at 6-4

38. Sean has no idea whatsoever who to start in any given week

39. Sean leads the league with 26 useless medals

40. Sean is still bald

41. Mazzle is a person who is in this league

42. Mazzle just picked up Corey Davis

43. Steve hates Mazzle and himself

44. Mazzle likes Metallica

45. “Unforgiven II” is objectively a better song than the original “Unforgiven”

46. I have the easiest schedule remaining and Falafel has the hardest, which is entirely meaningless

47. Falafel and I play each other in Week 13, by which time he will have clinched a playoff berth and – if he’s smart - should be resting his starters

48. Falafel is so smart. S-M-R-T.

49. There are 4 weeks to go till playoff time, so it’s time to put up or shut up

50. This is not Steve’s last season


Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease,
- The Commish