Playoff SemiFinals Recap

Hi Folks,

It's only Monday, but since our final is pretty much set and I don't feel like actually starting my work-week yet, let's see what went down in the Semis...



Sausage (1 Seed) vs. Pretzels (4 Seed)

So as expected, Tom Brady didn't do much against Denver and Le'Veon Bell came back down to Earth.  Plus, it would have been a better idea to start Peter Scolari on Defense instead of Minnesota. So it only stood to reason that Sean would be in huge trouble this week.  But...  Big BUT.  But Sean had the wherewithal to start Ty Montgomory and it paid off handsomely to the tune of 29.30 points.  And Devonta Freeman went nuts with his biggest game of the year.  Those two guys gave Sean nearly half of his points and unless Pierre Garcon gets negative points tonight, The Sausage Party King of Chicago is moving onto the finals.  Mike Frank didn't quite have enough gas in the tank, with Carlos Hyde, Davante Adams, and Mike Evans all putting up disappointing performances.  Mike also started somebody named Kenneth Farrow, who is his family's accountant and he owed a favor.   




Falafel (2 Seed) vs. Mazzle (3 Seed)

Important note: if you google Falafel Mazzle, the top 5 results are this blog.  That's a lot of history between these two bitter rivals.  But at the end of the day, Travis's team consisted of Zeke Elliot, a lively but decomposing Frank Gore, and a bunch of other guys.  That's not enough to win the Chicken Bone Cup, even this year and even if he was smart enough to start Golden Tate.  Just.  Not.  Enough.  Bradley, on the other hand, had the more balanced consistent team and had just enough of them pop this week to outscore the Falafel Menace by double digits and move onto the finals.  It wasn't pretty, but it jot the job done. 

Finals Preview - BONE?!

So it comes down to this - the two nicest guys in the league (sorry Rich and Mike Frank) battling it out for the Chicken Bone Championship.  I want some trash talk dammit!  Sean has to be considered the prohibitive favorite given his high ceiling players and projected matchups.  But will he manage not to screw the pooch and start the right guys?  Can he pick up more of a Tom Hanks-type to play defense?  It should be interesting.  Bradley definitely has the horses to give him a challenge.  My prediction: Pain.

Good luck guys - you're gonna need it!!

- The Commish
     

Season Recap and Playoff Preview

OK folks,

Now that the dust has settled, let's tie a bow around the regular season, team-by-team:

Straight Outta Thong
Record: 4-10
Place: 10th
Best Player: "TY" Hilton
Worst Player: Nuk Hopkins
New Metallica Song:  Here Comes Revenge

You gotta give him credit.  Thong - despite locking up the Auction Bitch title weeks ago and the rumors swirling about his firing - finished the season strong with 4 wins in a row after starting 0-10.  That may or may not have been enough to ultimately save his job, but he certainly must have enjoyed playing spoiler to both Robby and Steve's playoff hopes.  Perhaps, there can be some sort of "Honorary Jean Shorts" for that. 


Salty Salted Bacon
Record: 6-8 
Place: 9th
Best Player: Shady McCoy
Worst Player:Ryan "One T" Mathews
New Metallica Song: Dream No More

And that's what false hope gets you - a swift kick in the ass.  Maine didn't even bother to show up for Week 14, doing neither himself nor the Commish any favors in the process.  He finishes in 9th, which is right where he was going to finish all along. No way he was going to scratch and claw his way to .500 this year.  There's no place like 9th, there's no place like 9th....



Venezuela Taco Stand
Record: 7-7
Place: 8th
Best Player: Beats Me!
Worst Player:  Dennis Northcutt
New Metallica Song: Hardwired  (We're so fucked..Shit Outta luck..Hardwired...to Self-Destruct!)

Winnebago ManRecord: 7-7 
Place: 7th
Best Player: Rishard Matthews
Worst Player:  Todd Gurley
New Metallica Song: Moth Into The Flame

Well, on the bright side, we at least know Steve is alive.  Nice rant!  Happy to know something can tear him away from his underage Asian prostitutes.  And as for Robby, when Rishard Matthews is your best player, then Rishard Matthews is your best player.  Robby and Steve both finish with 3 straight losses to end their seasons identically at 7-7 and miss the playoffs.  You gotta wonder how long these never-proud franchises can keep going on like this.  Even Dan Reeves and Jeff Fisher are wondering if they could have done better jobs here.  Strobby should really think about joining forces one of these years and just colluding one great team between them.  At this point, I think we'd all even allow it.



Dead Salmon
Record: 7-7 
Place: 6th
Best Player:Drew Brees (Weeks 1-12)
Worst Player: tie - Drew Brees (Weeks 13-14), Allen Robinson  
New Metallica Song: Confusion

This is the first time since 2004 with no Cole in the playoffs!  That's an epic run for the Cole Bros.   Mister Cole The Younger is still trying to figure out where it all went wrong.  Talk about an epic bed shit on the last week of the season.  63 points and just like that he's done.



Baron Von Bratwurst
Record: 7-7 
Place: 5th
Best Player: Jordan Howard
Worst Player: Keenan Allen
New Metallica Song: ManUNkind

Time for me to pour one out for myself, since I'm the only one that cares.  It's been a damn good run of seasons for your trusty Commish.  I've made the playoffs each of the last 4 years before this one, finishing 2nd, 1st, 3rd, and 1st.  Just a couple of small breaks or better lineup decisions, and I could have easily won 4 in a row.  So Easily!  Look it up!  (Colin Kaepernick/Joe Flacco, Donte Moncrief/Jay Cutler)  But it's a mini-dynasty just the same, and I'll effing take it.  The Chicken Bone cup is at my house for another 8 months (12 months if Sean wins), and I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it while I can.



WORTHLESS AND LESS-THAN-HALF-ASSED PLAYOFF PREVIEW:

Sausage (Am I Savage?) vs Pretzels (Atlas Rise):  I think Mike Frank pulls the upset here in the Battle of Fairfax.  He's got better matchups with his players and Sean has shot his load already.

Falafel (Spit Out The Bone) vs. Mazzle (Halo on Fire):  This is a toughy.  Gotta give a slight edge to Travis on this one if he doesn't screw up his lineup.  Zeke Elliot is going to have a big day and so is Jay Ajayi.


Peace out,
The Commish

BS = Bed Shitters

What a pathetic debacle and an apt way to end this season.  These are the lowest scores we've seen all year, and here's a complete list of every player who completely and utterly shit the bed yesterday to make it happen:

- Julio Jones
- Matt Forte
- Mark Ingram
- Terrelle Pryor
- Carr, Fitzgerald, Moncrief, Crabrtee, and Riddick (AKA half of Maine's team)
- Russell Wilson
- Melvin Gordon
- Amari Cooper
- Jimmy Graham
- Drew Brees
- Allen Robinson
- Dan Bailey
- Dez Bryant and Seattle Defense (AKA, Steve would have been better off starting a Douche and a Turd Sandwich)
- Devonta Freeman (not that it hurt Sean, because Le'Veon Bell scored ALL THE POINTS)


BvB

Week 13 Recap and Playoff Scenarios

Gentleman,

I can now, without any equivocation, state for the record that this season has been wholly unlike any season we have ever seen.  This is the definition of insanity or parity or insaniparity.  To writ, I took a screen shot of the standings yesterday and this morning:

Yesterday:

Today:

Week 13 and it's Armageddon!!!

Week 13 and 9 teams are still alive for the playoffs

Week 13 and the only team not still alive for the playoffs is the hottest team in the league (Thong has won 3 in a row for no reason whatsoever).

Week 13 and I somehow moved from 8th to 2nd overnight.

Week 13 and Maine is somehow still clinging to false hope.

Week 13 and Steve may or may not have been kidnapped by Chicken Bone League groupies for all we've heard from him.  Also, an incapacitated Steve may still make the playoffs despite scoring 37 points total all season.

Week 13 and Mike Frank is a) going to finish 7-7, yet again, and b) The New Most Bitterest Man In The League.

Week 13 and we still haven't answered the question we asked as the sun was setting on draft day - are any of our fucking teams actually any fucking good?  Probably fucking not!  But the laws of physics say that somebody has to win this thing.


Week 13 and for the record, I personally think that Sean and Travis have the best and most complete teams of the bunch.  Hot Take: One of them ends up taking the cup when it's all said and done.  Do you prefer Falafel or Sausage?  Because you're probably getting one of them!  Or maybe Brad.  Who the fuck knows?  Hot Take!

Week 14 and the Playoffs essentially start a week early.  Below are the un-fact-checked playoff scenarios, hand-crafted by my esteemed brother.  Please direct all compliments and complaints to him.  Please note: we are assuming that Steve isn't outscoring anybody by 200+ points, especially while handcuffed to a radiator somewhere.

--------------------------------------------------------

Sean - In. 

Jason - In with a W.  In with a L if 1) Robby & Steve lose 2) loser of Travis/Michael doesn't outscore him by .83/15.53 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 68.85 and Maine doesn't outscore him by 83.06.  *If Mike Frank wins then Jason would have to outscore him by 33.23

Travis - In with a W.  In with a L if 1) Robby & Steve lose and A) Jason L and he outscores him by more than .83 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 68.02 and Maine doesn't outscore him by 82.23. B) Brad loses + doesn't outscore him by 44.48 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 68.02 + Maine doesn't outscore him by 82.23. *If Mike Frank wins then Travis would have to outscore him by 34.06

Michael -  In with a W.  In with a L if 1) Robby & Steve lose and 2A) Jason L and he outscores him by more than 15.53 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 53.32 + Maine doesn't outscore him by 37.53. B) Brad loses and doesn't outscore him by 29.78 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 53.32 + Maine doesn't outscore him by 67.53. *If Mike Frank wins the Michael would have to outscore him by 48.76

Brad - In with a W.  In with a L if 1) Robby & Steve lose 2A) Travis L + he outscores him by 44.48 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 23.54 and Maine doesn't outscore him by 37.75. 2B) Michael L + he outscores him by 29.78 + *Mike Frank L + Robby doesn't outscore him by 23.54 and Maine doesn't outscore him by 37.75. *If Mike Frank wins then Brad would have to outscore him by 78.54. 

Robby - In with a W.  In with a L if 1) Steve L + Mike Frank L (over 100 points behind) 2) Robby needs to outscore the loser of Jason(68.85)/Brad(23.54) & Travis(68.02)/Michael(53.32) + not have Maine outscore him by 14.21

Steve - In with a W + Robby L

Mike Frank - In with a W + Robby & Steve L + not being outscored by the losers of Jason(33.23)/Brad(78.54) & Travis(34.06)/Michael(48.76). 

Maine - In with a W + Robby & Steve L + outscoring the loser of Jason(83.06)/Brad(37.75) & Travis(82.23)/Michael(67.53) + outscoring Robby by 14.21

Rich - Out.  Auction Bitch.

------------------------------------

Looking at this week's match-ups, I predict that the following teams will win:
- Sean  (9-5, #1 seed)
- Travis (8-6, #2 seed)
- Brad (8-6, #3 seed)
- Steve (8-6, #4 seed)
- Mike Frank (7-7, misses the playoffs)

Just feels like that kind of year...

Enjoy Week 14 everyone!!!!  Try not to lose your minds!

- The Commish

Week 12 Recap

Hey you guuuuuuyyyyyys!

Hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgivings and got properly stuffed.  Also hope you enjoyed a lot of food (rim shot).   Around these parts, the playoff race is tighter than a mouse's twat.  8 teams are still alive for playoff births.  And more than mathematically too.  Like, for reals alive.  Everyone not named Rich or Jermaine still controls or mostly controls their own destiny.  Win the last two weeks and you're in.  That shouldn't be too hard.  Unless you're a complete dumb-ass like....

The Commish, who lost to his brother 122-106.  Of all the many, many boneheaded decisions I've made over the years, starting somebody named Wendell Smallwood instead of Mark Ingram has to be the most boneheadeadest.  What the hell was I thinking?  Because of that one move, my season is on the brink and the palpable joy that everyone has when I hoist the Chicken Bone Cup is in serious danger.  I'm sorry that I let you down everybody.  I am deeply ashamed.  I wouldn't even blame you if you decided to go and root instead for someone like....

The Sausage Party King, who went to town on on Mazzle like he was a Taco voiced by Selma Hayak.  He dominated to the tune of 151-130 - despite a piss poor effort from R. Kelley (see what I did there?).  His team is totally stacked and he's the odds on favorite in Vegas to win the cup (which he will finally get from me as a Hanukkah present in 2017).  Sean is also now in the drivers seat for the #1 overall playoff seed.  Which is meaningless.  Just like...

Salty Salted Bacon, who played spoiler to edge Falafel 118-111.  Maine got a big effort from Shady and the Raiders, which coincidentally is the nickname for his genitalia.  So that went swimmingly and he numerically prevailed, despite being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs (probably! who has time to figure these things out for sure?  not me!).  Meanwhile, Travis falls to 6-6 and is still in the thick of it, just like....

Strobby, who holds both 3rd and 4th place right now.  Strobby couldn't score more 100 points for the weekend, loses big after winning last week, and sees their record drop to 7-5.  Strobby is also last in the league in Moves, coasting on their sophisticated drafting in Staunton, Virginia and waiting on Dennis Northcutt to un-retire.  Next week Strobby faces 6-6 teams desperate for a win in the race for the playoffs.  But win or lose, they will definitely go down on them-self repeatedly.  Not unlike...

Dolphins Fans!  6 in a row!  Wooot!  Look, we know this team is barely above average and may still finish 8-8.  But considering there was no hope whatsoever going into the season and especially after starting 1-4, getting to watch meaningful football games in December is amazeballs.  I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm giving thanks for Dolphins football this holiday season (while I still can).

And on that note, I'd like to dedicate this link to Strobby.  Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow.

Cheers,
The Commish

Week 11 Recap

Gobble Gobble My Turkduckens!!

My big work conference is finally over, so it's back to regular recaps around here.  And not a moment too soon!  This league has been crazy this season without my constant stewardship.  It's descended into absolute chaos - players getting hurt left and right, 8 teams still legitimately alive for playoff births with only 3 weeks to go, concussions out the ass, Dolphins winning 5 in a row, 12 missed extra points on Sunday, Rich getting a win, Steve going silent, Robby in First Place, dogs and cats...living together.....this is nucking futs!   Let's recap a few things and try to make some sense out of the senseless...


Falafel 116  Commish 109

With 5 players on bye and 2 getting hurt in-game, there weren't enough warm bodies this week for your trusty Commish to keep up with Travis.  Your defending champion is in serious danger of missing the playoffs, mainly thanks to Stephen Gostkowski.  Yes, you read that right.  I'm blaming everything on my kicker, who auto-correct thinks is Goatskin. Seriously, why did I pay two bucks for that asshole?  Meanwhile, Falafel-boy moves up to fourth place, based on his studs Jay Ajayi and Marcus Marriotta, both of which we all totally saw coming.


Robby 142  Maine 91

Maine, AKA "The Bitterest Man in the League," must have pissed off somebody in a past life.  Not only did he get his ass kicked once again, but he lost both his Bengals - Green and Bernard - to injury.  AJ Green, in particular, got shot in the leg (or something) on the very first series of the game.  One of these years, Maine's luck is going to turn around and he's going to win this whole thing.  This is not that year.  .. On the flippity flop, Robby somehow finds himself in first place for the time-being.  And I say for the time-being, because 7 different people have been in first place at some point this season.  So who knows how long the fun will last..  (Note: I made that last statistic up, but it feels right.  And that's all that really matters these days.)


Steve 113  Mike Cole 103

So let me get this straight...  Steve has the 2nd fewest points scored in the league, has made the 3rd fewest Moves in the league, showed up to draft weekend, hasn't posted on the message board once...and yet, finds himself at 7-4 and in 3rd place.  What. The. Hell. ???   Is this one of those George Costanza things where he's doing the opposite of all of his instincts and it's somehow all working for him?  Is he truly master of his domain now?  What is happening here??????  I need answers!!!


Sausage King 161   Mike Frank 115

Sean's starting wide receivers this past week were Pierre Garcon, Michael Thomas, Eli Rogers, and Tyreek Hill...and he still won by a gazillion points.  Turns out his strategy of only drafting suspended players and not paying $2 for a kicker is working like a charm.  Also, he got 30 points out of some Irish Running back.  He's in 2nd place overall and still number 1 in the power rankings  .. Meanwhile, Mike Frank is giving Maine a run for his money for Bitterest Dude.  He's got the most points scored, but also the most points against.   Once again, he's got 7-7 written all over him.  Not sure it's going to be enough to sneak in the playoffs this season...


Thong 139   Mazzle 87

You like that.  You like that!!!   Thong gets off the schneid in a big way, thumping Bradley to the tune of 52 points.  Kirk Cousins and Jordan Reed provided the spark on Sunday night against the Packers.  For one brief moment with his fantasy team and his real team both winning big, Rich had some semblance of peace in this joke of a season. .. Also Mazzle is still hanging around at 6-5.  Nobody is talking about him at all, which probably means Cam Newton is about to go on a tear, Mazzle is going to win 5 in a row, and the Championship is his for the taking.  Nothing would surprise me this season.


The shit hits the fan in Week 12 starting with the Thanksgiving Day games tomorrow.   It's the 47th Cole Bowl, a virtual playoff elimination death-match.   Bacon tries to play spoiler of the Falafel.  Mike Frank will beat Steve, guaranteed.  It's worst against First, with Thong looking to make it two in a row against Robby.  Brad and Sean are also playing. 


Have a Happy Turkey Day everyone!!!

- The Commish


P.S.   Every single score in this recap was wrong and you didn't even notice.  Why do I fucking bother...

Surprise Motherfuckers!!! Recap!

Hey gang,

I've unexpectedly found myself with a pocket of free time here, so what the hell... let's do a recap from this past weekend and see what the heck is going on around the league...

Bratwursts  114   Tacos  87
 


For the record, If Bratwursts and Tacos were playing in real life, I think this would be the proper score there too.  My team has another ho-hum win to leapfrog Steve-O and move into third place.  Most of my players are not very good, but mine is somehow the only team to score over 100 points each week this year.  I think everyone's inconsistency might balance each other out somehow.  Or not.  I feel like this is going to fall apart any minute now.  .. Speaking of falling apart, Steve has predictably fallen off his early pace and is very lucky to be 5-3 in fourth position now.  BTW, fourth position is reverse cowgirl, in case you were wondering.  And fifth position is...

...Bacon!  125   Sausage 144

Another week, another high scoring loss.  Maine is the anti-Steve.  He's got the most points scored in the league, yet is only 4-4 and in fifth position (fifth position is actually anal, btw).  He was let down by his kicker and defense this week, but still probably would have lost to the one and only Sausage King.  No wonder Maine is "The League's Most Bitterest Man."  Can't really blame the guy. .. On the flippity, Sean is in first place and - with Bell and Brady back - probably the best team in the league on paper.  You should totally follow him on twitter! @seansramblings.


Falafel  139  Thong 118

We are witnessing a historic season in the making from one Richard Spady.  The so-called "Thong" has yet to win a single game on the season and is getting crushed on both points scored and points against.  This is futility the likes which this league has never seen!  This past week, he put up a respectable score, but his buddy Travis showed him no mercy.  And this coming week, it appears that 2/3 of his team is technically on Bye.  When will the bleeding stop?  When!?!


Cyanide 116  Salmon 93

Bradley wins his fourth game in a row because, I dunno, Jordan Matthews?   It's unclear if his team is any good, but he's 6-2 anyhow.  (Note:  Other than Sean, it's unclear if any frickin team in this frickin league is any good.) .. Meanwhile, Mike Cole is mediocre, doing his thing on the waiver-wire, hoping for lightning to strike.  Speaking of which, how has neither Steve nor Mike picked up Percy Harvin yet?  This has got to happen any minute now, right?


Aces!  Winnebago! 

And then there's Robby... too lazy to update his team name from last year, yet still is 4-4 and put up a 137 spot on cousin Mike Frank.  And here's what I know about Mike Frank...he's 3-5 on the season, he has had the most points scored against him in the league, and he started somebody named C.J. Fiedorowicz last week.  Which I am not making up.


Soon to go missing again,
The Commish