Bacon-wrapped Playoff Preview

Now that the field is set, here's a Bacon-wrapped Playoff Preview courtesy of Maine....

"You want a playoff preview? Here's the short version. You're probably not in it. If you're in it, you're probably going to lose. People in both of the prior two groups will feel that the outcome of the season was, to some degree, a little bit bullshit and that things would have been very different if that one thing had kinda broken their way and if they made one different choice in the draft.

Then someone will win and they'll attribute it to their sports acumen, when really, It was about as random as a game of Plinko. They'll make a self-deprecating remark about how they don't deserve it, but are happy they won it. And secretly, they'll gloat. Maybe grab their wife's butt while she cooks dinner, in a rare show of hubris and bravado around the house. And I'll be bitter.

Here's the longer version:

Top seed goes to Travis who managed to eke out a few victories by having TWO top QBs on his team all goddamned season. The whole Elliott/Chubb combo didn't exactly hurt him late either. Nor did a great start to the season by this year's winner of the Steve Largent Award for generally displaying excellence as a wide receiver, with no other caveats or conditions of note at all. Also, basically every TE stunk this year besides Zach Ertz and San Francisco Zach Ertz. Basially, with this roster, Travis would have had to murder a gypsy AND a voodoo queen to screw the season up.

Second seed goes to Mike who managed to have a top wide receiver and a top running back, both named Christian McCaffrey, on his roster. Add in Phil Rivers and Mike Evans and this was a roster filled with overachievers (DeShaun Watson sold separately). You know you've had a good season when you're relying on Davante Adams in a prominent role and things work out for you. Kudos.

Third seed goes to Steve who... I hope you're sitting down... managed to get a few wins with Mahomes and Kelce on the roster. Those poor wonderboys, averaging like 78 points per week together, didn't anchor his team too much. Also, Saquon Barkley is secretly the most talented running back in history, but we'll never know it because he's playing for both the Giants and for Steve. Still had a great season. One sad note about the wonderboys though - the year Brady and Moss lit the league up, they combined to shit the bed in the fantasy playoffs, ruining everyone's season. So good luck, Mahomes and Kelce! Stay out of the snow.

Last seed goes to the Commish who basically pulled down Todd Gurley's shorts and rode his dick straight into the playoffs. It doesn't matter that he had to rely on Leonard Fournette's cadaver-sourced hamstrings. Gurley dominated so hard that he might as well have been dreadlocked Patrick Mahomes*. Jason is hoping Juju and Wentz can pull together enough magic to get over their streakiness and produce two hot games in a row. He needs em.

My prediction? Travis wins this thing. I'm going straight chalk, like a president making his NCAA picks on TV.

*This year's winner of most ridiculous NFL haircut goes to Patrick Mahomes. He looks like an 11 year old who sits on the back of the school bus throwing hot Cheetos at kids who are trying to finish their homework. "

Week 13 Recap and Playoff Scenarios

Howdy folks,

Here are the quick Headlines from Week 13, followed by your completely trustworthy playoff scenarios assuming you don’t check the math or the logic.

What a fuckin’ world…

Fantasy football is weird.  Late last night I found myself not only rooting for Josh Adams, who I hadn’t heard of before October of this year, but also once I got ahead in the 4th quarter – in a bizarre turn of events – the one and only Mark “Butt-Fumble” Sanchez.   And my season depended on it!

  

Falafel and I were exactly tied with 7:30 remaining, and in the end, I somehow won by 1.3 points and kept my season alive for another week.   

Top Dawgs

He lost Melvin Gordon and then lost to me, but Falafel is still sitting pretty.  He’s in the playoffs and I doubt he loses again.

“I put up 155 with two goose eggs?? Be afraid. Be very afraid.” – Steve

Steve is also in the playoffs, is looking as dominant as ever, and is uncharacteristically confident.  He might have been drunk, but I doubt he loses again either.

And here comes Mr. Wrench! Maybe the hottest team in the league, Mike Frank’s squad has won 8 of his last 9 and is waltzing into the playoffs with his ball-gag held high. He may be the real team to beat here.  And statistically there’s no way he could finish 7-7. Is the Colt McCoy Cup staying in Fairfax after all?  I seriously doubt Mike loses again.  

Friends in Low Places

The bottom 4 turds couldn’t even play spoiler right.  All of these bums – Thong, MCole, Maine, and Auction Bitch Friedman – lost this week and couldn’t even crack 100.  Don’t think we can’t see you down there, ass-hats!!!

Though I will note that Maine easily has the most total points scored against him in the league.  I’m really hoping he doesn’t just snap one day and go nuts on Yahoo Headquarters.  

Playoff or Homeward Bound?

So we’re down to the last week of the regular season, and it’s unusually cut and dried.  Playoffs - 3 are in, 4 are out, and 3 are fighting for the last spot.   

Sausage, Commish, and Mazzle all won this week to keep the pressure on each other.  

Sausage and Commish are both at 8-5 and in a dead heat, separated by only 8 total points.  Mazzle is 1 game back at 7-6, but he has a slight edge on total points.  Soo….

Commish

• Win and I’m in with a Sausage loss.

• Win and outscore Sausage by -8 points, and I’m in.  

• Lose and outscore Sausage by -8 points and Mazzle by 12 points, and I’m in with a Sausage loss.

• Lose and outscore Sausage by -8 points, and I’m in with a Sausage loss and a Mazzle loss.

• Miss out on the playoffs to Sean, and I’m finding someone else to go to the Hootie and the Blowfish concert with me.  

Sausage

• Win and he’s in with a Commish loss.

• Win and outscore Commish by 8 points, and he’s in.  

• Lose and outscore Commish by 8 points and Mazzle by 20 points, and he’s in with a Commish loss.

• Lose and outscore Commish by 8 points, and he’s in with a Commish loss and a Mazzle loss.

Mazzle

• Win and needs both Commish and Sausage to lose and to not get outscored.  For more details, see yo mama.  

Well, that’s the gist of it.  

- The Commish

Week 11 Recap

Gobble gobble motherfuckers!

Holy crap!  That was some weekend of football action.  Even Yahoo was hungover this morning.  It was so intense that Mike Frank needed to use his safe-word twice (Weirdly, his safe-word is “Falafel”.)   Here are some quick hit recaps of the headlines that mattered…

Trophy Name Change?
Are we going to need to change the name of our beloved champion’s award to the Alex Smith Memorial Trophy?  Man, I was watching that live and it was gruesome.  I’m not even going to post a picture.  And that it happened 33 years to the day of the Theismann injury with an exact same 23-21 final score is nutso.


Dolphins Don’t Lose
Somehow the Dolphins managed not to lose over the weekend.  They didn’t start Brock Oswieler, didn’t turn the ball over once, didn’t have anyone on the Offensive Line injured, and didn’t even have anyone arrested.  It was a great weekend for Fins football!!  Feel the excitement!


Monday Night Madness
That Rams/Chiefs game last night was incredible.

Steve needed a halfway decent night from Mahomes/Hunt/Kelce to overtake Mike Frank and his lame political jokes, and boy howdy did they ever deliver to the tune of 78 combined points.  Mike Frank’s winning streak comes to an end, but barring a major losing streak, both him and Steve look playoff bound at 7-4.

Meanwhile, Falafel and Sausage were duking it out on the Rams’ offensive possessions.  It was looking close there early in the 4th quarter when Zeurlien kicked a field goal for Sausage and Goff lost a fumble for Falafel.  But the Rams just kept scoring and Falafel put the baby to bed.  (Sean even started all the right players for a change.)  Falafel is cruising into the playoffs, likely as the #1 seed and with a stacked roster.  I just can’t see anyone beating him this season.

Travis – can you please send me your address so I can beat the holiday rush and mail you the Alex Smith Cup this week?  I mean, it’s a done deal.  No way you can lose with a roster this good.  Nope.  No way.


In the Too Little Too Late Department
Maine wins his second in a row and his team is suddenly awesome.  Thong has won his last 3 of 5 games and is enjoying playing spoiler.  At least they won’t have to be Auction Bitch.


In the Too Little Too Little Department
Robby.


The Battle For 4th Place
Sausage, Mazzle, and Commish are in a 3-way tie at 6-5 with 3 weeks to go. Mazzle has a big edge on total points, but there’s lots of season left.  Buckle up your Pilgrim hats folks, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.


That’s all I got for y’all.  I’m spent after staying up for the 54-51 insanity last night.   I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving Holiday, that Virginia kicks the crap out of Virginia Tech, and that your Turkey wishbones snap like…well, you know…


Peace, Love, and Turkey Grease,
- The Commish

50 FACTS You Need to Know for the Homestretch!

Howdy Chickenboners!

As we head into the last 4 weeks of the regular season, some cracks are beginning to show in the contenders, others have been de-facto eliminated, and everyone is just trying to make it through the Bye Weeks alive.  And some key facts are coming into focus.  50 of them to be precise….

50 FACTS You Need to Know for the Homestretch!

1. Steve’s team is a self-proclaimed Dumpster Fire

2. Steve has the 2nd most points scored in the league

3. Robby has 325 points less than Steve

4. Robby hates Steve with a fiery passion

5. Falafel has 79 points more than Steve

6. Falafel hasn’t even thought about Steve in years

7. Falafel set an all-time record for points scored last week, putting up 196.09 big ones

8. In addition to having the most total points in the league, Falafel also somehow has the least total points against

9. That’s just not fair

10. Falafel also set an all-time record for margin of victory last week, beating Mike Cole by 111.49 points

11. Mike Cole is at 4-6 and in 7th place

12. Mike Cole’s team is terrible

13. Mike Cole thinks he can still win 4 in a row and make the playoffs

14. Really

15. There have been more trades this year than in any season since 2003

16. I just made up fact #15, but it seems entirely plausible

17. Falafel is the odds-on favorite to win the Chicken Bone Cup for the first time in a decade

18. This is thanks in part to the emergence of Nick Chubb

19. Nick Chubb was briefly on my roster earlier this season

20. I am not bitter and am enjoying cake

21. The cake is a lie

22. 37.5% of my Roster was once on Steve or Robby’s team this year

23. My team, which employs the incredible Todd Gurley II, is 5-5 for a reason

24. Mike Frank is now in 2nd place overall and has won 6 games in a row

25. One more win and Mike ties Thong with the longest winning streak of all time

26. Mike Frank is into S&M, which has nothing to do with fantasy football unless you want to know where he sticks the football in his fantasy

27. You do NOT want to know where he sticks the football

28. Thong, Robby, and Maine are all tied for Auction Bitch at 3-7

29. Maine’s roster is better than his record

30. Maine scored 171 points last week and keeps finding new and creative ways to be bitter

31. Maine has Mike Williams in his Week 11 starting lineup right now for no discernible reason

32. Maine also still has Keelan Cole on his team for no discernible reason

33. Keelan Cole is the worst Cole in this league, which includes my brother

34. “Keelan Cole” is a terrible made-up name

35. “Keelan Cole” is nothing compared to Green Bay Wide Receivers “Marquez Valdes-Scantling” and “Equanimeous St. Brown”

36. Key and Peele would be proud

37. Sean is in playoff contention at 6-4

38. Sean has no idea whatsoever who to start in any given week

39. Sean leads the league with 26 useless medals

40. Sean is still bald

41. Mazzle is a person who is in this league

42. Mazzle just picked up Corey Davis

43. Steve hates Mazzle and himself

44. Mazzle likes Metallica

45. “Unforgiven II” is objectively a better song than the original “Unforgiven”

46. I have the easiest schedule remaining and Falafel has the hardest, which is entirely meaningless

47. Falafel and I play each other in Week 13, by which time he will have clinched a playoff berth and – if he’s smart - should be resting his starters

48. Falafel is so smart. S-M-R-T.

49. There are 4 weeks to go till playoff time, so it’s time to put up or shut up

50. This is not Steve’s last season


Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease,
- The Commish

Love, Hate and the Week 8 Recap

Howdy folks,

Writing this column on a weekly basis has given me some perspective on all that goes into being a fantasy football manager, your trusty commissioner, and a recapper.  Mainly, I’m come to the realization that I’m out of ideas and this will be my last recap ever.  I’ve reached this conclusion due to a combination of reasons, chiefly being the amount of time I’m able to dedicate to writing the recap with the quality you’ve come to expect.  Between the wife, the kids, the job, the dog, the 3 fantasy teams, the new beard, pumpkin carving, and Virginia football actually being good again and ranked in the top 25, there are just not enough hours in the day.  And while I know you’ve come to rely on this recap to help guide your season, you’ll have to learn to live without it.  There are just more important things I can be doing with my life at this juncture.  But my door is always open for advice and my heart is always open to you guys.  Always.  But all good things must come to an end.  Now, without further ado, here’s my last recap ever…

Irony I loved in Week 8

·       Maine put up 123 points on Thong, but he ended up losing by 9 because his boy Larry Fitzgerald had his best game all year.  After scoring his touchdown, Fitz uncharacteristically spiked the ball to rub Maine’s face in it for ever doubting him.  Maine lost his 5^th game in a row to fall into last place and Auction Bitch pole position.  Also of note, Auction Bitch Pole Position was my favorite racing video game for the JORBUS gaming system from Montgemory Ward.

Irony I hated in Week 8

·       I put up 123 points on Mazzle, but I still ended up losing by 9 because J. Winston wouldn’t stop throwing interceptions and Njoku caught exactly as many passes as my dog.  Meanwhile the guys I actually drafted were fine and dandy and healthy and busy scoring points on my bench - Carson Wentz threw 3 touchdowns and Evan Engram scored 11 points. All for nothing. It’s the 2^nd week in a row that I lost for being a shitty manager.  On the flip side, Mazzle is back in the win column and holding onto 4^th place for dear life.  God I hate him. 

Quarterbacks I loved in Week 8

·       Carson Wentz, who threw a pass to himself and scored even more invaluable points for my bench.  (And by invaluable, I mean not valuable.  Useless.  Inuseless.)

·       Shane Falco

·       Bryce Perkins!

Quarterbacks I hated in Week 8

·       Brock Osweiler

·       Ryan Tannehill

·       Jameis Winston

·       Jameis Winston

·       Jameis Winston

·       Jameis Winston  (1 for each fucking interception)

Teams I loved in Week 8

·       Whodafucares?  Robby does!  Firstly, he made a rare trade with me (first one ever?) this week, and unlike the ones my brother offers him and everyone else, it was a fair one.  Then he goes onto defeat said brother Cole thanks partially to his boy Lamar Miller’s best game of the season.   Meanwhile, Cole the younger drops his third in a row and would have been better starting character actor John C. Reilly on defense instead of Baltimore.  Both Robby and Cole the uglier are 3-5 and actually sort in this thing.  “Actually Sort of In this Thing” – title of Robby’s sex tape. 

Teams I hated in Week 8

·       Mr. Frank and Falafool in the most lopsided matchup of the week, but not in the way you’d expect.  With zero points out of the TE position, Mr. F put up a 178 spot and vaulted into 3^rd place with his 4^th win in a row.  Meanwhile, Falafel had Zeke and Melvin on bye, so there are surely better days ahead.  The “Zeke and Melvin” is also the name of a new sex act Travis has been trying to get his wife to go for, but she is having NONE of it. 

·       Ambassador of Steve losing by 2 because he started Geronimo “1 catch” Allison for some strange reason.  What the heck dude?  Just because you traded for him, doesn’t mean you have to start him!  I mean, he still outscored “No Catch” Njoku, but still…  I really needed you to get the win against the Snausages King.  Sean is climbing hard up the standings and is looking to take this mutha home.  Maaaannn…If I have to give the trophy BACK to him AGAIN, I’m going to cut a bitch.  Speaking of which…

Owners I’d love to win the Chicken Bone Cup in 2018

·         The Commish

·         Me

·         Me!

·         No really, me.

·         If not me, then Steve

·         If not Steve, then Robby

·         If not Robby, then Thong

Owners I’d hate to win the Chicken Bone Cup in 2018

·         Sausage

·         MikeCole

·         Falafel

·         Dan Snyder

TV Shows I Love

·         Game of Thrones

·         Better Call Saul

·         The Good Place

·         Billions

·         Brooklyn Nine-Nine

TV Shows I Hate

·         Anything involving cooking competitions

·         Anything involving the words “Law” or “Order”

·         Anything involving people pretending to buy houses

·         Anything involving the words “Real” or “Housewives”

·         Anything involving the Miami Dolphins

5-ways I love

·         Cincinnati Chili

·         The Spice Girls

·         https://i.ytimg.com/vi/4lpmKpyWh3I/maxresdefault.jpg

5-ways I hate

·       So… there’s a 5-way tie for first place right now with identical 5-3 records for Steve, Falafel, Mr. Frank, Mazzle, and Sausage.  And as the only 4-4 team that also kind of sucks, that kind of sucks.  As has been the case for the last couple years, there’s some big-time parity our league thanks to the rise in advanced statistical drafting and waiver methodology.  Everyone has a fleet of unpaid interns from MIT or Cal Tech at their disposal, and the gap has narrowed significantly between the “Haves” and the “Have-Nots.”   We still have 6 weeks to go, but this is the time to squeeze every point out of your lineups, because something is coming down to a tiebreak and it ain’t gonna be pretty.

So that’s the Week 8 recap.  And after thinking about it some more and appreciating the outpouring of support from letters and emails and tweets, from all of my friends and relatives and fans and coworkers, I’ve decided to continue doing The Chicken Bone Recap.  I love this column and all of you.  Seriously, what's more important than fantasy football?!  Nothing!  That's what!  Good luck in Week 9 motherfuckers!!!

- The Commish

Week 7 Recap

Week 7 Recap

Here at Commissioner headquarters, we have a saying…don’t let the dog that feeds you beg for chickens in the roost.  And I don’t have to tell you what that means…it’s time for the Week 7 recap bitches! 
(It’s a rambling quickie, but I promise it’ll be good for me.)

109.13 Master Blaster 4-3-0 | 6th

141.99 Snausages 4-3-0 | 4th

This one was simple.  If I start Mack and Miller instead of Clement and Brieda, I actually win.  But Sean puts up another big score and moves into 4^th place playoff position.  Is the Chicken Bone cup staying in Fairfax and being passed back to a person that refuses to display it proudly on his mantle?  Maybe!  But I fuckin hope not!

Side note #1: R.I. P. Mac Miller, who I never even heard of until he died because I’m old and lame

Side note #2: I did indeed start the wrong QB, as predicted last week between Wentz and Winston

176.73 Ambassador of Saquon 5-2-0 | 1st

126.89 Violent Comedy 3-4-0 | 7th

Steve (AKA Powerhouse #1) kicks the crap out of a respectable effort from a falling star (AKA MCole).  And this was with Justin Tucker missing an extra point and Doug Baldwin on bye.  Steve’s KHunt has never been bigger!  He even started the right defense and is totally cool with Brees as a benchwarmer.  MCole cries, “Wherforartthou LeVeon?!”

91.51 Whodafucares 2-5-0 | 10th

125.89 Keep Calm & Thong 2-5-0 | 8^th

Thong stops the bleeding with a win against the Tenness Titans of the league – Roberto “No Offense” Feldman.  Meanwhile, Thong just needs 23 points out of Trey Burton every week, and he’ll be good to go.

88.30 Four Hours of Bacon 2-5-0 | 9th

150.77 I Pita the Falafool! 5-2-0 | 2nd

Falafel (AKA Powerhouse #2) kicks the everloving crap out of Maine.  And to add to all the fun he’s having, Falafel now has a full on Chubb.  ... On the flip side, Maine got 1 total goddamn yard out of McCoy and is planning to read all of the Harry Potter books instead of watching football the rest of the season.  Mischief Managed!

103.53 Rearviewmirror 4-3-0 | 3rd

104.54 Mr. Wrench 4-3-0 | 5^th

Wow, was this one close!  1.01 separated Mazzle and MFrank this week, thanks to somebody and somebody else.  This one came down to Brad’s players gaining 11 more yards than Mike Frank’s players, and I know I was on the edge of my seat all the way up until it was decided at some point over the weekend.  Both of these teams are 4-3, with 7 games to go in the season.  When we all look back on this year, we’ll all remember this epic matchup of intrigue and fantasy football.  I’m not sure what else I can really say about this one without actually doing research, so I’ll just say, well done boys!  Huzzah! 

So…. we’re halfway done with this fuckin season, and it’s the Steve and Travis Show with a lot of mediocrity behind them.  And Robby, Thong, and Maine can start looking at 2019 draft boards and or watching Harry Potter movies (They're really good!). 

Keep on keeping on,

-The Commish

Week 6 Recap

What’s up fools!  

The office of the commissioner is back in business!  

Welcome to Brocktober!

Your trusty commish has been slacktastic this season with the Recaps, but that all changes today.  OK, it’s just one week, but let’s cover what happened in Week 6, any trend lines for teams, and how it all may portend results through the rest of the season.   So, without further a doo-doo…

130.06  Ambassador of Saquon 4-2-0 | 2nd

108.14  Keep Calm & Thong 1-5-0 | 10th

This was a big fuckin’ mismatch.  Favored by 19.5 points in Vegas, Steve not only won as expected, but he also covered the spread and made some sports book degenerates very happy. His team is so good, he can afford to make boneheaded decisions like starting Enunwa over Funchess for no reason whatsoever.  With Doug Baldwin coming on, Mahomes looking like Brett Favre, and Saquon being Saquon, this team is looking playoff-bound.  I, however, look forward to him starting the wrong defense between the Bears and Rams next week…… On the flip side of the coin of fantasy success, we find Thong-a-tron.  He’s got the worst record in the league, the least amount of total points scored in the league, and the most total points against in the league.  He also got zippy out of Dalvin Cook after everyone and Adam Schefter’s mother said he was going to play but was a late scratch.  If Thong starts Murray instead, he wins by 0.38 points and instead the conversation we’re having today is about Steve strangling a hobo in anger. 

110.81 Whodafucares 2-4-0 | 9th

168.54 I Pita the Falafool! 4-2-0 | 1st

Second verse, same as the first.   Holy crap, Falafel’s team is good.  He left 15 QB points on the table and still put up a 168 spot.  Elliott! Thielen! Gordon! Sanders! Gostowski!  Jeez Louise!  His entire team is stacked in the back.  And just to taunt us further, as we’re all struggling to field one good and healthy Tight End, he’s starting two of them and making it look smart.  With the exception of having Dez Bryant on his bench for no good reason, he can do no wrong.  This team is going to sail into the playoffs and is the odds-on favorite to win its first championship since the Truman administration. I, however, look forward to him starting the wrong QB (Goff/Wilson) each week… And now we come to Robby.  Like his beloved Dolphins, he is still employing DeVante Parker for no good reason.  He just lost DeVonta Freeman for the season.  And DeSean Jackson has Butterfingers.  His team is DeSucky!   (Actually, it’s not thaaaaat bad.  Antonio Brown, Brady, Gronk, Diggs, and Jackson form a great core.  But his running backs are hot garbage.). 

152.99  Master Blaster  4-2-0 | 4th 

101.56  Violent Comedy 3-3-0 | 7th

In the key battle of the Coles, Mike Cole got 21 points out of Baltimore’s Defense and Jason Cole got 0 points out of Tennessee’s kicker and – while not on either Cole’s team - Marcus Mariota got the living shit kicked out of him.  That being said, not much else went right for Cole The Younger.  He got 26 large out of James Conner and still barely managed to break 100.  But at least he has Alfred Morris, LeVeon Bell, TY Hilton, and Amari Cooper on his bench.   Wow, this team is trending in the wrong direction.  I’m looking forward to next week when he chooses wrong between George Kittle and Greg Olsen at Tight End.  … Meanwhile, Todd Gurley and the Gurley-men took care of business and looked like a complete team for the first time all season. All downhill from here.  (Side note: Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It's VERY unclear.).  In conclusion, I’m looking forward to choosing wrong between Wentz and Winston at QB for the rest of the season.

124.34 Four Hours of Bacon 2-4-0 | 8th

145.56 Mr. Wrench 3-3-0 | 5th 

This one was a roller coaster of emotions and false hope… Maine was getting his butt kicked for most of Sunday, but then Tyreek Hill went ape shit on Sunday night to give him a fighting chance going into the Green Bay game on Monday.  But then DeVante Adams way outperformed DeAaron Jones, and the final score made this look a lot worse than it actually was.  Are either of these two teams actually good?  Who knows!?!  Mike Frank got 17 points out of Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street and 21 points out of Tyler Boyd Esq. and 16 points out of Butt-ker and 16 points out of Joe Mix-ins.  Is that kind of thing going to last?  Doesn’t seem likely!  And Maine has Hopkins, Hill, David Johnson, and a bunch of guys.  Is that enough to claw back and make the playoffs?  Doesn’t seem likely!  Buy what the fuck do I know?  My gut said Leonard Fornette was going to have a MONSTER SEASON!

141.56 Snausages 3-3-0 | 6th

88.31 Rearviewmirror 4-2-0 | 3rd

Lastly, we come to a couple of teams trending in different directions.  Brad’s in 3^rd place, but he has dropped 2 in a row after looking like a world-beater for the first 4 weeks.  However, his studs (Kamara, Thomas) from New Orleans and Marv Jones Jr. were on bye this week, so perhaps we can give him a pass.  I am personally happy that he is getting no production out of TJ Yeldon, which serves him right.  …. In other news, Sean “Snausages” Forman put up another big number this week and is starting to make his annual charge up the standings.  Sony Michel is looking like a stud, despite the weird name.  Alshon Jeffrey is healthy and catching balls from Wentz.  And Sean's got talent like Keenen Allen, and Odell Beckham Jr to spare.  … I am NOT looking forward to playing either of these teams anytime soon (What? I play them each the next two weeks?!  Fuck off!  Eat my farts!)

So quickie power rankings:

1. Falafel
2. Steve
3. Mazzle
4. Sausage
5. Commish
6. Pretzel
7. Maine
8. MCole
9. Robby
10. Thong

And that's that.  Don't Stop Believin'.

- The Commish

Week 3 - Power Rankings!

Howdy folks,

So, we are 3 weeks into this thing, and I’m finally writing my first column of the season.  (I’m not even going to talk about the Dolphins lest I jinx whatever alchemy they have going.)  So let’s run through the highly scientific power rankings, data-driven by advanced metrics as always …

10.  Sausage – Completely sucky for the first two weeks and pretty good this week.  Has Goodwin back now and Ingram back soon, so he won’t be in 10^th place for long.  Also, this year he drafted with 7 different children in his lap at the same time, so he keeps upping the level of difficulty of that.  Next year he plans to draft from inside a wind tunnel with 1046 crying babies flying around his head. 

9.  Robert, Esq. – He’s way too busy with Marathon training to pay attention to his weak and Patriot-laden team.  If Brady-to-Gronk doesn’t hit, he pretty much loses the week.  Also, luck still appears to be against him, as he lost Week 2 for no reason whatsoever due to a recovered onside kick. Perhaps a name change back to Karmasabitch is in order?

8.  Mr. F - Mike Frank’s team has a bunch of above-average players, but there’s no telling which of them will be above average in any given week.  So consequently, he’s left with dart throws on starters and joy when they work out and regrets when they don’t.   My prediction – he finishes at 7-7. 

7. Master Commish – A thoroughly mediocre effort so far.  Lousy QB play, shouldn’t have won week 2, and a hurt Lenny Fornette all add up to a probably generous ranking at #7.  Also, probably went to the Larry Fitz and Demeryious Thomas wells once too often. (Also, still can’t fucking spell Demeriyous no matter how many times he’s on the team…know there’s a “Y” in there somewhere).  This could get ugly.  Already thinking about Labor Day draft weekend in 2019 and strategic improvements. 

6.  Richard Thong, PhD – AJ Green has been great and Aaron Rodgers has been decent and Dalvin Cook has been bad and hurt and Julio has been Julio.  And wow, otherwise there’s a lot of hot garbage here. Like steaming hot.   How the hell is this team ranked #6?  I’m going to write a letter to the Commissioner.

5. Four Feet of Bacon – Now here’s a ranking that’s probably a little low, but let’s give it another week before the popsicle party.  He’s got some pieces here, especially at WR.  Tyreek Hill can score 50 on any given week.  Hopkins is his usual stud self.  Keelan Cole has a great name and can play too.  If David Johnson could get going, this could be something….

4.  The Winner Formerly Known as Lemon Curry?  - Should Mike Cole be ranked higher than this?  Maybe!  James Conner is doing his best Leveon Bell impersonation, and Will Fuller looks healthy and studly.  But Kirk Cousins shat the bed yesterday against the Bills Bills Bills.  “You Like that?!”  No, no you do not.  This team is fine, but the top 3 are clearly better. …. That reminds me of a joke…  A guy walks into the psychiatrist, completely pants-less with cellophane over his crotch.  And the psychiatrist says, “Clearly, I can see you’re nuts.”

2.  Mazzlemuzzlecalifragilisticexpialidociousezian – Brad is in first place in the standings, but not in our hearts.  Third.  He’s third in our hearts.  At best.  He’s got a lot of interesting pieces to mix and match, but has:

·         The weekly Roethlisberger or Ryan dilemma

·         No Tight End (talk to Travis!)

·         “Allen Robinson II” AND “Marvin Jones Jr.” who are the same player and named without any regards to consistency.

·         An overreliance on New Orleans offence. 

·         No backhand at ping pong. 

2.  Love Falafool – Is Fitzmagic for real?  If so, this is a team to be frickin reckoned with.  The better Denver WR, Zeke Elliott, Theilan, Melvin Gordon…sheesh!  This team is so loaded, Travis is playing two tight ends for the first time in Chicken Bone history (Ertz and Graham).  Not to mention, 100-yd rusher Kerryon Johnson and Patriot-killer is on the bench, just waiting to tap in.   I don’t want to tangle with this squad anytime soon.  (Looks at next week’s schedule…SHIT!)

1. In Saquon He Trusts -

FACT: no newlywed in our league has ever won the Chicken Bone Cup, let alone even made the playoffs.  Seriously, look it up…   But if married life doesn’t get in the way, this could be Steve’s year.  He’s loaded everywhere but RB and has Pat Mahomes and Drew Brees to choose from on a weekly basis at QB.   And Saquon is only going to get better.   This is the #1 team in the league right now, and he says that anyone who says otherwise can suck his hairy balls! 

Good luck to all that have players going in the game tonight!  I reserve the right to alter any and all of these rankings tomorrow morning!

- The Commish