Chicken Bowl Preview and Year End Awards

Hey gang,

It’s been another festive season of fantasy football and for two once and future champions, it all comes down to this.  Mazzle vs Falafel in Chicken Bowl XVIII.  Let’s break this down, tale-of-the-tape-style….

Quarterback.  While Tannehill has been a revelation for Mazzle and the Titans the last two months, and they may have to throw to beat the Saints, there’s no way I’m picking him over Russell Wilson with the season on the line.  I’ve seen too much of Tannehill in my life to trust that shit.  There’s a chance the Seahawks go up big over the Cardinals and Russ won’t have to throw much, but with an over/under of 50 as well, there will be points to be had.   Advantage Falafel.

Running Back.  You’d think this would be a slam dunk for Falafel, but not so fast my friends.  Zeke and CMcC both have tough matchups on the road, and there’s no telling which San Diego running back is going to pop.  Meanwhile, Mazzle gets Barkley at the Deadskins in a game both teams want to lose.  He also gets Derek Henry who Tennessee will feed to try to keep the Saints offense off the field.  And he has a red-hot Kenyon Drake in the flex spot against a Seattle team that you can run on.  I wouldn’t of thunk it, but Advantage Mazzle.

Wide Receiver.  At first, I thought “This is some rough stuff.  Can I just give advantage to Defensive Backs?”  But really, there’s a big Falafel Advantage here.  Locket has been a stud, Boyd isn’t great (and isn’t Green) but is playing against Dolphins pitiful secondary, and Anthony Miller will probably be a target hog with Gabriel concussed and the Bears having to throw against the Chiefs.  He could even choose to roll out something called Chark against the Flacons’ weak-ass secondary.  Meanwhile, Mazzle gets to choose between basic bitch John Brown at New England in December, “I might have gotten hurt while Jason was typing this sentence” Jamison Crowder against the Steelers great defense, a Fool’s Golden Tate, somebody named Greg Ward, somebody named Zach Pascal, somebody named Andre Thompson, somebody named Dionte Johnson.  That’s not very good at all.  Especially since I made one of those receivers up and you didn’t even notice. 

Tight End.  Now we’re talking!  The best two Tight Ends this year – Kittle for Falafel, and Kelce for Mazzle.  These guys are both unstoppable studs, so there’s no wrong answer here.  Advantage: Even

Kicker.  Who gives a fuck? 

Defense.  Nothing to write home about.  Falafel has the Bills and it’s hard to like any defense at New England.  Even when the Pats don’t score much, Brady doesn’t get sacked or turn the ball over.  So Advantage Mazzle having the Seattle Defense at home, which occasionally still means something. #12thMan?

Miscellaneous:  Mazzle is relying on both Henry and Tannehill for Tennessee, which will cap his scoring potential.  He also has Drake going against his Seattle Defense, which also could hurt.  Lastly, as a Gator, he secretly wishes he could be playing for the jean shorts instead of the chicken bone cup, so I'm not sure his heart is in it.  Advantage Falafel.

Karma:  On general principle, Advantage Mazzle.

Prediction:  Pain!

Real Prediction:  It may be closer than the pundits are saying, but the winner of Chicken Bowl XVIII will be Falafel by about 15 points.  149.19-134.37

And now it’s time for a few year-end awards:

Best Draft:  Falafel

Worst Draft Ever: Commish

Best Team Name:  Extra Billy

Worst Team Name: Rabbit of Caebannog

Worst Semi-Finals Performance: Sean.  Not only did he lose in this league, but in his other league he couldn’t even beat a 9-year old in the playoffs!!!  (Really.)  Though in Sean’s defense, Ben will be turning 10 this weekend…

Baldest:  In an upset, Maine.

Best Trade:  Barkley for Thomas.  Helped keep me from being auction bitch and helped Mazzle make the final. 

Worst Trade:  Todd Gurley, Sammy Watkins, and Phillip Dorsett for Alvin Kamara.  I forgot this even happened and I’m too far gone in this post to even analyze who won it.  I’m guessing not Robby.

Extra Auction Bitch: Robby

Best Draft Pick: Maine, Lamar Jackson ($4)

Worst Draft Pick: tie. Mazzle, David Johnson ($48), Commish, Saquon Barkley ($60)

Mr. Irrelevant:  tie. Thong, MFrank

Worst Last Season:  Steve

Poster of the Year:  Our once and future overlord, Falafel.

Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night!!!

               

Peace, love, and chicken grease,

- The Commish

Playoff Semi-Finals Recap

Howdy folks,

So this happened…

Bacon v. Falafel

Good lord, that was a lot of playoff points scored by Travis.  More points than UVA’s basketball team has scored in all games combined this season.  More points than a motherfuckin porcupine!  In short, the most points scored in a playoff game in the long history of the league.   Travis not only had his studs play like studs, but he also made almost all the right manager moves – benching Gordon, picking up Anthony Miller and starting him, playing the Buffalo Defense, etc.  (He could have played Samuel over Boyd for another 9 points, but that’s nitpicking.) 

Maine pretty much maxed out his roster.  It was a good run.  Sure it hurt to lose Cook at halftime and Diggs/Jacobs didn’t do much.  But there was no keeping up with Travis on this day. 

It’s onto the Finals for Falafel, where he doesn’t stand a chance.  Really.  He blew his wad in the semis, and the last thing you want is to get all excited and only have a semi to show for it.  I predict a disaster for him - a week of agonizing over starting lineup decisions, only to make all the wrong choices.

Mazzle v. Sausage

In the undercard matchup, it was Brad who gutted out a tough win over Sean.  Saquon Barkley finally paid dividends for him, exactly as planned (that trade for Thomas turned out to be a rare win-win).  Throw in a big game out of Kelce, a make- it-count single long TD catch from Golden Tate, and 3-TD game from Ryan Effing Tannehill of all people…and it all adds up to 132 points and a huge playoff win.   (Sure he left Kenyon Drake and his 39 points on the bench, but bygones...)  

Meanwhile, when Sean spent Sunday morning deciding between starting Cohen or Michel, he already pretty much already was dead in the water.  His loss guarantees that the Chicken Bone Cup will leave Fairfax, Virginia for the first time in 6(!) years.  Travel well Cup, we shall miss thee!!!

So it’s onto the finals for Bradley “Chuck” Mazzlemuzzle.  He might be doing it with smoke and mirrors, but he’s our only hope. 

Jean Shorts Update
I crushed Thong and I'll play someone named Mike for the shorts.  That's all the recap that these games deserve.

Coming later this week…a finals preview, year-end awards, your mom. 

Cheers,

The Commish

Week 13 Recap and Playoff Scenarios

Howdy folks,

It’s busier around here than Falafel’s mom during fleet week, so not much time for recapping these days.  But with the playoffs imminent, let’s check things out around here and see what’s what…

Mathematically In

Falafel and Mazzle have both clinched playoff berths but are trending in opposite directions.  Falafel – once thought by everyone but me to be unstoppable – has lost 3 in a row; meanwhile Mazzle has won 3 in a row.  For the record, Mazzle would also get 3 in a row before Falafel in a hypothetical game of Tic-Tac-Toe.  Every time.  With no ties. 

Practically In

Maine lost this past week after Thong Woked up to the tune of 162 points.  However, Maine still glides into the playoffs with too many total points to realistically get caught, regardless of what happens in Week 14.   Also, he will be cutting Mecole Hardman this week because seriously.

The Ringo Spot

Thong has to win, Sausage has to lose, and Thong has to outscore Sausage by 31.29 for Thong to make the playoffs.  If one of those three things don’t happen then Sausage is the 4th team in.  And given that Sausage plays MCole and Thong plays Falafel in Week 14, I think we know where to place our bets…

The Also-Rans

Mike Frank is eliminated at 6-7 and will fulfill his destiny by winning this week to finish 7-7.  Regression to the mean is a bitch, but having the cup was fun while it lasted. 

Meanwhile, your trusty Commish has somehow won 3 in a row, but it’s too little too motherfucking late.  MCole is still technically in this league, but you wouldn’t really know it.  The Brothers Cole are both 5-8 and should be ashamed of themselves.  At least they’re not going to be Auction Bitch.

Auction Bitches

Well, this is fitting.  Steve.  Robby.  Week 14 for all the marbles.  A pair of 4-9 teams.  Strobby Bowl XXVII, AKA “Auction Bitch Bowl.”  The winner goes onto 9^th place glory, while the loser finishes last and well...you know…

Hope everyone had an excellent Thanksgiving and is lubing up their chimneys for a Merry Christmas season.  Good luck to all in the last week of the regular season…

Cheers,

-          The Commish

Week 11 Recap

Howdy folks,

With three weeks to go in the regular season, we are getting down to the nitty gritty around here.  (Note: “Nitty” and “Gritty” are what Steve calls his testicles.)  There’s a race to the top, a race to the bottom, and a race to the middle (Mikes only).  So, it’s long past time for a massive and turgid recap, full of sound and fury, signifying everything…

149.80 King Dong 3-8-0 | 10th

133.64 Rise of Falafel 9-2-0 | 1st

Leading the league in points from post-draft acquisitions, your trusty commish used 7 of such acquisitions and struck a blow for the whole league against the Falafel Menace.  You can call me the Mandalorian.  Falafel is still comfortably in first place with the most points scored, but when it all falls apart in the playoffs for him, he will look back on this week and remember this is where it all started to go wrong.  At least in fantasy football.  It all started to go wrong in his life when he was 28 and accidentally fucked a donkey in Tijuana. 

As a footnote, my Draft was SO BAD this year that 116 of my 149 points this week came from post-draft acquisitions, which is not only a single week record this season, but ALL TIME in our league.

137.34 Bacon Far From Home 7-4-0 | 2nd
74.20 Extra Billy 3-8-0 | 9th

Robby has the most passing yards this season in the league and Maine has the least.  But I bet Robby would still probably trade Patrick Mahomes for Lamar “Luke” Jackson.  Holy crap, that dude can do some things.  This week it was to the tune of 4 TD passes and 35 points in leading Maine to a resounding billy club beatdown of Robby.   Maine continues his hot streak and is comfortably in second place.  (Note: “comfortably in second place” is also what Maine calls a cocktail of scotch and oral sex.)  … Meanwhile, Robby is in a 3-man race for Auction Bitch (question: Should we make the Auction Bitch wear a T-Shirt that says, “Auction Bitch”?  I feel like there’s an opportunity to make this more humiliating than it currently is…) 

Also, apropos of nothing, Robby has the most field goals in the league this season.  So he’s got that going for him.

86.41 Thong Stay Woke 6-5-0 | 5th

112.04 Rabbit of Caebannog 5-6-0 | 7th

Mike Cole has the fewest point in the league, the fewest offensive points, the fewest kicking points, and the fewest active sperm, but he still somehow beat Thong this week and is still somehow 5-6.  Let’s pass it over to Chris Collinsworth for some expert commentary – “Why IN THE FLYING FUCK did Thong leave Joe Mixon on his bench?  Back to you Al.”  It’s no wonder Thong has the fewest rushing yards in the league.  However, for the season, there is so much mediocrity behind Falafel and Maine, Thong actually still has a legit chance to make it into the playoffs.  But Mike Cole is in no-mans land.  He’s not good enough to make the playoffs and has too many wins to finish last.  It’s a zombie team, going through the motions, looking for brains….

131.31 Mr. Numbers 5-6-0 | 6th

69.24 Last season 4-7-0 | 8th

Wait till next year!  It’s hard to only score 69 points in a single week, but Steve managed to exceed expectations for suckatude yet again.  He’s lost 5 in a row, his team is cratering, and there’s no bottom in sight.  Also, “no bottom in sight” was what girls said about me in college.  Man, my ass is flat.  … Meanwhile, Mike F is hanging around like Mike D in Rounders.  He has dominant defensive points and enough interesting pieces to make a run at the payoffs. At the very least, he can make life for the league leaders more uncomfortable than when Rich "hugs" his secretary.

131.69 Stone Cold Crazy 7-4-0 | 3rd

100.43 Odd Week Snausages 6-5-0 | 4th

These two teams are so mediocre, they’re not even in the record books – good or bad.  Mazzle has the most kicking points.  That’s it.  Booooooring!  

This week Mazzle got the better of Sausage to solidify his hold on third place (the butt).  Meanwhile, sausage is due for a team name change – perhaps, “Fantasy Football Is Random From Week To Week And It’s Ridiculous To Think That My Team Would Perform Better in Odd Weeks And Worse In Even Weeks Sausage King”.

- Commish Out!

10 Reasons Why...

Dear Chickenboners,

I’m writing this special missive today to express my grave concern toward the prospect of a Falafel Championship.  It has been a peaceful and quiet decade, as there has been no success for Falafel to crow about.  He’s been mediocre or downright lousy at fantasy football, and we have all been the better for it.  Sean, Mike Frank, and The Commish have been benevolent champs out of Fairfax.  But now….

The Rise of Falafel threatens our way of life.  It seems he just can’t lose this year, and he is barreling toward an inevitable Joe Theismann/Alex Smith Memorial Trophy.  He’s unstoppable in a way we’ve never seen before.  We can’t beat him no matter what we try.  We’ve tried jinxes, reverse jinxes, impeachment inquiries, and yes…even trying to be better than him at fantasy football.

But there’s always Hope.

And remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.


So, here are 10 reasons why Falafel won’t win the Chicken Bone Cup this year:

1. He’s peaked early, like Rich in high school.  Everyone knows you want your team to be playing well in Weeks 15-16, not Weeks 7-8.

2. He has the Number 1 waiver priority, which you just suspect he’s going to blow on something shiny and useless.  He’s not patient enough to wait for the best player. It’s burning a hole in his pocket, like Robby's dick after catching chlamydia.

3. He’s got competition.  Maine has his best team in years and so do the Raiders (not a coincidence).  Mazzle is in second place and has KHunt and Guice tagging in.  Meanwhile, while Odd Week Sausages is toast in Week 10 with half his team on Bye, he’s got some real talent and could be a tough out in the first round of the playoffs (Week 15).

4. He doesn’t have any Extra Billy, just the regular amount.

5. He’s counting on Russel Wilson and Tyler Lockett to show up when it counts.  But they’re at Carolina in December in Week 15, which is a damn tough matchup.

6. Speaking of that Carolina/Seattle Week 15 game, he has 50%-60% of his team’s points coming out of that game in the first round of the playoffs.  If there’s a snowstorm or high winds that day and it’s low scoring, he’s in trouble.

7. Steve could go on a major tear, make the playoffs, and beat Falafel in the championship game. Naahhhh, I’m just fucking with you all…that’s not happening…  Let’s try number 7 again…

7. He’s thinner at receiver than Sean’s hair.  Curtis Samuel is unpredictable and has a balky hammy.  A.J. Green ain’t coming back this season and Josh Gordon definitely can’t be counted on to do anything but blow off a hooker.  And don’t get me started on whatever a DJ Chark is –  Nick Foles doesn’t even know him!

8. Sure, we all know that he’s got the best group of running backs in League History.  But I don’t want to talk about that.

9. George Kittle is good, but he’s nursing knee and ankle injuries.  If he gets worse as the season goes on and San Fran has already clinched a first-round bye by then, well…who knows if he’ll even suit up?

10. The Fantasy Football Gods will punish his cocky ass in ways we haven’t even thought of.


In summary, let’s all band together and do our collective best to thwart Falafel while we still have time.

Sincerely,
- Your Unbiased Commish

Week 7 Recap

Howdy Folks,

We are halfway through this wretched season (pipe down Travis!), and there is less parity than there has been in years.  There are 2 teams at the top, 4 teams at the bottom, and 4 in the squishy middle.  And while things can change faster than Rich’s “transitioning process,” this is all seeming pretty well sorted for 60% of us. 

Also, forget about AIDS…Why the Heck Do So Many Koalas Have Chlamydia?

Onto the recap…

107.67 | King Dong | 2-5-0 | 8th  

98.86 | Queefer Sutherland| 4-3-0 | 5th

Thanks to half of Steve’s team being on bye and his poor management, your trusty commish gets a much-needed win.   Also, holy crap I need a running back!  I may have made a few mistakes this year.  (Though I will note that Thomas outscored Barkely for the third straight week since my trade with Brad).  If anyone is looking for a WR and has any RB depth (MFrank perhaps?), please step into my office before the trade deadline. 

163.89| Bacon Far From Home | 4-3-0 | 3rd

128.90 | Odd Week Snausages |4-3-0 | 4th

In a stunning turn of events, Sean gets 3 TDs out of Sony Michel on Monday Night Football, scores the second most points in the league this week… and only loses by 35 points.    Maine’s Raider players both come up big, Dalvin Cook continues to do Dalvin Cook-like things, and Lamar Jackson must be super fun to own.   Maine is definitely looking to join Brad and Travis in the upper echelon. Having the most points scored in the league will do that.  BUT…. He is facing a hard truth right now….is it time to put Larry Fitzgerald out to pasture?  It’s a tough call after all these years, but Fitz looks like he has less left in the tank than Sean has hair on his head.   

123.19 | Rise of Falafel |6-1-0 | 1st

79.74 |Stone Cold Crazy | 6-1-0 | 2nd

We all saw this one coming.  Mazzle has been doing it with smoke and mirrors, and he also has been getting lucky in fantasy football this season.  Despite being undefeated, he was a big underdog to Falafel and that’s how this one played out.  It didn’t help that David Johnson lasted about six seconds into the game and Chase Edmonds got all the (bench) points.  But even without Chris McC, Travis took his rightful place at the top of the league.  All hail King Falafel!!!  May his reign be long, benevolent, and fruitful!!!

80.16 | Thong Stay Woke |4-3-0 | 6th

79.67 |Mr. Numbers | 2-5-0 | 7^th

Oy.  Daniel Jones over Aaron Rodgers.  This one was really sloppy and low scoring, and Mike Frank almost came back to win thanks to the Pats Defense on Monday Night.  But oy.  Daniel Jones over Aaron Rodgers.  Oy! 

OK, I know this is unprecedented and completely against the current rules, but can we all vote to take away Mike Frank’s trophy for a while?  Put it in escrow or something until Travis wins the championship?  After a decision like that, I’m just not sure if he should be representing the league as our champion.  It’s embarrassing…

75.13 | Rabbit of Caebannog | 2-5-0 | 9th

93.97 |Extra Billy | 1-6-0 | 10^th

So, at 1:43 pm on Sunday, I get this angry text from my esteemed brother:

Wow, is there nobody in this league that has their shit together this season?  Michael really could have used those fat 0.9 points from Montgomery.  Sheesh.  …  On the flip side of things, Robby gets Tyreek Hill and Todd Gurley back from injury, his first win of the season, and some hope of not being the Auction Bitch.  But Mahomes goes down with a busted kneecap, because Robby just can’t have nice things...

That’s all folks.

-         The Commish

Week 5 Recap and Power Rankings

Happy New Year Everyone!

So, you know that feeling you get when your kid runs full speed into your embrace and hugs you and, at the same time, headbutts you in the nuts?  That is the 2019 football season in a nutshell (so to speak).  Full of anticipation and love, but also immense pain.

Some random thoughts on that pain, before a slightly bitter recap/power rankings:

• I am very confused about the Dolphins/Redskins game this weekend.  Am I supposed to root for the Dolphins, as is in my DNA?  Or am I supposed to root for the Redskins, so that the Dolphins get a higher draft pick?  Or am I supposed to root for the Dolphins, so that they don’t suffer the ignominy of going 0-16?  Or am I supposed to root for the Redskins, figuring that the Dolphins can maybe beat the Jets or someone once?  OR…am I supposed to root for accidentally blinding myself by pouring bleach into my eyes and then accidentally scooping both my eyeballs out with a melonballer and then stabbing around with a knife until I impale both eyes just to make extra sure I don’t ever have to watch this atrocity of a football game? 

• Wait, did you hear that sound?  That’s the sound of UVA’s Bryce Perkins getting sacked by Notre Dame again and the Irish running back another fumble.   I’m not sure how that keeps happening a week-and-a-half later…

• Pop Quiz!  Which one of these statements about the Pittsburgh Steelers isn’t true?
A. They are down to their third string quarterback after Mason Rudolph got knocked out and concussed into next Thursday by the Ravens.
B. They couldn’t figure out how to work the medical cart to take Rudolph off the field
C. Ben Roethlisberger was fined $5000 for wearing an Apple Watch.  (side joke...what’s Sammy Hagar’s favorite type of hamburger?  A Roethlisberger!)
D. There is a potential 80's move villain on their roster named Brogan Roback who has a non-zero chance of taking snaps at QB and who looks like this:

E. The New York Giants are 2-3 and would gladly trade Eli Manning to Pittsburgh for a corned-beef sandwich.
F. Sean is sad and bald
Answer – Just kidding! They’re all true!


Power Rankings Time!  Let’s count down from suck….

10.  King Dung
After “earning” negative Pi points last night, Baker Mayfield is dead to me.  Dead like Donte Moncrief.  He will NEVER be on my fantasy team again.  N.E.V.E.R.  DEAD!!!!!  … Also, as we were lying in bed last night before going to sleep, my lovely wife says to me, quote… “It’ll be OK, being Auction Bitch isn’t that bad.”  Really.  So…. that’s about where things are right now…

9. Extra Billy
Now don’t get me wrong, Robby is winless and doesn’t have a good team.  But he has 52 season points more than me and deserved to win the Strobby bowl this weekend.  He lost by 5 points and had not one, but two players go down with injuries minutes into the game.  He deserved better.  Not much better, but better…

8 (tie).  Rabbit of Something or Other
After getting almost doubled-up by Sean, Mike Cole is flailing.  This is a team that should be better, but due to injuries and general managerial incompetence, this team is way underachieving.  It’s also not even interesting enough to waste more words.

8 (tie). Steve
You’re not fooling anyone there in 5th place dude!  Your team sucks!  You’re just guessing at a quarterback each week, your running backs are mediocre, your Tight End is hurt, and Odell Beckham is still haunting you from beyond the Giants.  You should have quit fantasy football when you said you would!!!   Why are you even still doing this?!

6. Thong?
Hmm…I dunno.  This feels about right.  I mean, he’s Thong, so he’s not winning anything this season.  And it’s not clear he has the horses to keep up with the big dogs.  But he’s a nice guy and a Redskins fan and got crushed this week by his alleged friend Travis, so it feels wrong to slam him too much.  So, I’ll rank him at 6th, which is probably 2 spots higher than he has earned.  I hope that helps his self-esteem.

5 (tie).  Mr. Numbers 
The defending champ has issues too…is any team actually good this year? (Spoiler alert…yes!  Stay tuned…)  Mike pretty much maxed out his talent this week and put up a big 140 points.  Unfortunately for him, Maine put up 147.  This is shaping up to be a patented Mike Frank 7-7 season, which would be a proper regression to the mean for him after last season’s aberration (note….MS Word just tried to correct a misspelled “aberration” to “abortion,” which also would have worked in that sentence.) … On the flip side, Mike won trivia for us last night by knowing which is by far the best-selling model of automobile in US History (*answer at bottom).

5 (tie).  Snausages
This year’s Jekyll and Hyde Team.  And I’m not talking about Carlos.  136, 86, 142, 85, 168 – those are Sean’s week-by-week point totals for the season.  This pattern will be surely tested this week when he faces off against your pessimistic Commish.  … The Wall Street Journal states that “Mr. Forman’s team has some interesting pieces, but it lives and dies by the Houston Texans offense, which might account for the variable point total. More data is needed to confirm.” ….. Also, at trivia last night, there was a whole category where we had to identify bald men by their pictures.  Needless to say, led by Sean, we got every single one right.  True story.


And now we get to LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh – A.K.A “The Big Three”


3.  Bacon Far From Home
He has a team name that makes no sense.  It’s based on the title of a Spider-Man movie, but so what?  He can do better.  May I suggest Spider-Ham?  … But more importantly, his team is pretty decent.  He’s got two exciting young QBs to choose incorrectly from each week based on matchups.  He’s got the two Raiders worth a shit.  He’s got Dalvin Cook and Aaron Jones and Keenan Allen.   He’s got enough top-shelf talent here to leave 46(!) points from Will Fuller V on the bench and still put up a 147-spot.  … He’s thin on RB depth, but otherwise, this could be an interesting situation….

2.  Mazzle Far from Last
Undefeated on the season and with a laughable Points Against average, Brad is cruising along…  He’s got some nice pieces and has Saquon Barkley coming back from injury soon.  But sometimes a Thomas in the Hand is worth two Giants in the Bush.  If you know what I mean, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.  So we shall see…

1.  Rise of Falafel
This is the team to beat.  He rolled the dice on draft day and they came up sevens.  His Running Backs are off-the-charts good.  His Seattle QB-WR connection is rolling.  He has someone named DJ Chark with 5 Touchdowns already.  (Singing..DJ..Chark.do.do.do.do.do.do…)  He’s got depth and a top 3 Tight End to boot.   Oh, and just for fun, he’s got AJ Green maybe coming back at some point.  For fuck sake, this team is good!!!  At this point, I don’t see any way that Travis doesn’t win the Chicken Bone Cup.  I'm rooting for you buddy!!


Good luck to everyone on surviving the season....


Cheers,
-The Commish


* Ford F-Series Trucks

Week 1-2 Recap/Headlines

Howdy Folks!

Happy 100^th NFL season everyone!!!  Are we all having a good time so far?  How my Dolphins, Giants, Steelers, and Redskins fans in the house doing?!   Feel the combined 0-8 excitement!!!

What a fucking joke of a season so far.  At least college football has been festive.

Here are some headlines from the Chicken Bone season so far, which at least can’t go badly for everyone….

102.09 King Dong  1-1-0 | 8th
88.87 Rise of Falafel 1-1-0 | 4th
·      Commish Wins First Game, despite lack of talent
·      Rise of Falafel Sinks in First Loss
·      DeSean Jackson giveth and DeSean Jackson taketh away
·      New Study Shows having two halfway decent quarterbacks same as having no decent quarterbacks


142.77 Bacon Far From Home  2-0-0 | 2nd
93.66 Extra Billy  0-2-0 | 9th
·         Robby Still Winless, Needs Even More Billy
·         Bacon Cooking!
·         Jonesning for Bacon!
·         Digging Bacon!
·         Luke Jacksoning Bacon! [Editor correction: Lamar Jackson]
·         FBI orders investigation into why Mike Gesicki is still rostered
·         Jarvis Landry still missing in action


107.80 Thong Stay Woke 0-2-0 | 10th
129.09 Rabbit of Caebannog 1-1-0 | 7th
·         Brees Broken, Thong Stays Broke
·         Brother Cole and Julio Down by the Schoolyard
·         Dak Attack!
·         Another Year of Terrible Monty Python References and Even Worse Trade Offers
·         Thong unveils new plan to eliminate the position of “Auction Bitch.”  Commish Threatens Veto.


132.54 Mr. Numbers 1-1-0 | 3rd
125.09 Queefer Sutherland 1-1-0 | 5^th
·         Mr. Numbers finds Big Ben down for the count
·         New England Defense scores (not a typo) 37 points
·         Greg The Leg Zeurlein to now go by “Gregory”
·         Recent Reports indicate Steve enjoys farting into his own hand and smelling it


116.94 Stone Cold Crazy 2-0-0 | 1st
86.94 Snausages  1-1-0 | 6^th
·         Stone Cold Awesome!  Malemezian Stays Undefeated
·         OJ Howard’s face appears on side of milk carton
·         KHunt and Golden Tate Still Suspended, Dirty Sounding
·         Sean Forman Loses First Game, despite lots of talent

Cheers bitches.

- The Commish