Hey Folks,
Parity. That's the name of the game in Chicken Bone so far this year. Eight out of the ten teams in the league are either 2-3 or 3-2. (We'll get to the other two later.) That means every game counts for everyone in ways we couldn't have even imagined in our wildest imaginations before the season started. One misplaced kicker could make or break your season. One wrong choice at FLEX and you're on the next train to Jeanshortsville. So keep your wits about you, work the waiver wire, and - if you can somehow stomach it - make a trade with Mike Cole. (You gotta do what you gotta do...)
Recap ho...
Octagon 127 Thong 72
It's amazing that between Alshon Jeffrey, Marshawn Lynch, and Jordan Cameron, they didn't manage a single point this past week. Not one! I mean, Rich spent a lot of money at auction on them and they are all hugely talented guys. Nobody could have suspected they score zero points TOTAL. Who would have guessed THAT? Nobody could fault Rich for ignoring his lineup with those guys in there. I mean, sure, Jeffrey and Lynch were both inactive on Sunday and Cameron was on bye. But that's no reason to resort to the drastic move of benching them! Even despite those handicaps, Rich had all the confidence in the world that they would produce, and you have to give him credit for sticking by his guys even with an 0-4 (now 0-5) record. Sometimes things just don't work out the way you hope....
Frantic 107 Falafel 105
This one was closer than two catfish in a skillet. If one of the catfish just beat by two points and lost Jamal Charles for the season. And if the other catfish is Brad.
Fargo 112 Bacon 102
At some point this season we're going to have to come up with the Maine Levels Of Losing. I think this one probably ranked a 13 out of 10. Because it was a dog fight right up until the very end. If Mike Vick just QB-sneaked (snuck? snucked?) it into the end zone on the last play of the whole damn week, Maine would have won. Instead, the Steelers made the asinine play call of running Le'Veon Bell out of the Wildcat and wasting all 5 seconds of game-clock even though they had a timeout. Ridiculous. I couldn't fall asleep for an hour after that shit, and I didn't even have a dog in the fight. I couldn't even imagine how Maine must have felt.
Sausage 132 Swallows 123
OK. At some point we're going to have to take this smug asshole down a peg. First he comes in here and takes our Chicken Bone Cup. This season he's 4-1 and in first place and won't stop shit talking. And now he's all up bragging on our message board and trying to tell us the rules of our league!?! Well fuck that guy! I'm sick of his shit. I hope Steve kicks his ever-loving ass this weekend and DeAndre Hopkins gets his leg mangled by a beagle.
Perdedor 140 Winnebago 118
So in this matchup Robby's team....sigh...wait...No. NO. I. CAN'T. EVEN. I'm still too fired up about Sausage King and his antics around here lately. Goddammmit!!! He's like the Terrell Owens of our league...always trying to start shit with somebody. And the arrogance!!! They guys wins one lucky championship and suddenly he's "best fantasy owner of all time." And that is a direct quote from his blog. You should see what he writes on there. Especially about Steve. It's even worse that what he puts on our message board. Please, for the love of all that's good in the world, will somebody please beat this bald asshole??? I just can't deal with him anymore...
- The Commish
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Week 4 Recap
Hey gang,
No preamble this week, let's go straight to the recap......
Officer Octagon 118 Falafel 83
Whether due to the start of bye weeks, or simply regression to the mean, the scores this week were way lower than last week. 118 was plenty for me to to get past Falafel's weak-ass showing of 83. And speaking of weak ass Falafel showings....
Bacon on Chainwax 99 Frantic 78
Fantasy is weird sometimes. One week after getting screwed over in the highest-points matchup of the whole season, Maine ends up winning by 21 points in the lowest-points matchup of the whole season. Guess karma evens out for those who pay backtaxes.
Fargo Woodchippers 114 Winnebago Man 99
With Gronk and Brady on bye, Robby suffers his first defeat of the season. Meanwhile, Mike Frank moves to 2-2 and is busy collecting mediocre quarterbacks. What's that you say? Tell you something you don't know? Nah, I'll let Winnebago Man do it...
Sausage King & Mary 140 House of Sad Thongs 113
Sean's team keeps rolling, but on the flip side, it's time for our first eulogy of the season. It's hard to believe, but Rich's fantasy team has already met its end. At 0-4, it's hard to imagine the Thong climbing out of this (butt)hole. It's a sad day for the Thong...
European Swallows 120 Slurenity Now 93
Sure, Steve's team is 1-3 and in 9th place. But how 'bout them Gators?!!! Undefeated and ranked in the Top 12 after crushing Ole Miss in the swamp!!! Now, I'm no gator fan, but I'm in favor of anything that will get Steve excited about football so that his high hopes and dreams can once again be dashed. But until the Gators choke against Missouri this weekend in some horrible fashion, I'll leave you with another round of "Classic Steve" from 2004....
"Look, you ignorant jackass, you're only up by 6 points with two weeks left and you're bound to make a stupid decision this week. Besides, there's no fucking way you can possibly win the poker title, the regular season title, and the playoff title all in one year! Hell will freeze over, monkeys will fly out of Robby's ass, dogs and cats will live together, and I'll kill a puppy before that happens!!! So just be content with winning two out of three and shut the hell up for the next 3 weeks
Oh yeah, and BLOW ME!!!"
Cheers,
- The Commish
No preamble this week, let's go straight to the recap......
Officer Octagon 118 Falafel 83
Whether due to the start of bye weeks, or simply regression to the mean, the scores this week were way lower than last week. 118 was plenty for me to to get past Falafel's weak-ass showing of 83. And speaking of weak ass Falafel showings....
Bacon on Chainwax 99 Frantic 78
Fantasy is weird sometimes. One week after getting screwed over in the highest-points matchup of the whole season, Maine ends up winning by 21 points in the lowest-points matchup of the whole season. Guess karma evens out for those who pay backtaxes.
Fargo Woodchippers 114 Winnebago Man 99
With Gronk and Brady on bye, Robby suffers his first defeat of the season. Meanwhile, Mike Frank moves to 2-2 and is busy collecting mediocre quarterbacks. What's that you say? Tell you something you don't know? Nah, I'll let Winnebago Man do it...
Sausage King & Mary 140 House of Sad Thongs 113
Sean's team keeps rolling, but on the flip side, it's time for our first eulogy of the season. It's hard to believe, but Rich's fantasy team has already met its end. At 0-4, it's hard to imagine the Thong climbing out of this (butt)hole. It's a sad day for the Thong...
European Swallows 120 Slurenity Now 93
Sure, Steve's team is 1-3 and in 9th place. But how 'bout them Gators?!!! Undefeated and ranked in the Top 12 after crushing Ole Miss in the swamp!!! Now, I'm no gator fan, but I'm in favor of anything that will get Steve excited about football so that his high hopes and dreams can once again be dashed. But until the Gators choke against Missouri this weekend in some horrible fashion, I'll leave you with another round of "Classic Steve" from 2004....
"Look, you ignorant jackass, you're only up by 6 points with two weeks left and you're bound to make a stupid decision this week. Besides, there's no fucking way you can possibly win the poker title, the regular season title, and the playoff title all in one year! Hell will freeze over, monkeys will fly out of Robby's ass, dogs and cats will live together, and I'll kill a puppy before that happens!!! So just be content with winning two out of three and shut the hell up for the next 3 weeks
Oh yeah, and BLOW ME!!!"
Cheers,
- The Commish
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Week 3 Recap
Look, I'm sure there are a lot of you clicking on this recap looking forward to reading - in a mildly witty fashion - about how your team fared this week. And I know you were expecting the usual amusing rundown of the whole league. BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! BECAUSE I SCORED ALL OF THE POINTS!!! ALL OF THEM!!!
HOLY SHITBALLS!!! 195 POINTS!!! That shattered the single week record for the league. Unbelievable! And coming off a 79 point tire-fire last week, that might have been the most unexpected scoring since Steve got laid for the first time. Even the Dolphins couldn't bring me down on Sunday. (They couldn't bring any of the Bills down either, but that's another story.)
All my players scored in double digits and Devonta Freeman and Greg Olsen went nuts. Eddie Lacy was the bum in my lineup, scoring the least points and the only one not to score a touchdown. But even he got me over 10 points. And the crazy thing is that I still managed to start the wrong Patriots running back. If I start Blount, I break 200!
And hey, I know I'm still 1-2 and half my team is on bye or hurt this week and I'm likely going to lose to Darth Falafel. But for one glorious week, everything was fucking awesome.
I would be remiss, however, if I didn't throw down some words towards Maine's unfortunate team. He scored the 2nd most points in the league (not only this week, but for the year so far), and still had to suffer a loss. All those years of tax evasion finally caught up to him and the IRS (weirdly) teamed up with Yahoo Fantasy Sports to audit his miserable ass.
Seriously. That is demoralizing. How do you even get up out of bed on Tuesday morning if you're Maine?
In conclusion, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
- The Commish
HOLY SHITBALLS!!! 195 POINTS!!! That shattered the single week record for the league. Unbelievable! And coming off a 79 point tire-fire last week, that might have been the most unexpected scoring since Steve got laid for the first time. Even the Dolphins couldn't bring me down on Sunday. (They couldn't bring any of the Bills down either, but that's another story.)
All my players scored in double digits and Devonta Freeman and Greg Olsen went nuts. Eddie Lacy was the bum in my lineup, scoring the least points and the only one not to score a touchdown. But even he got me over 10 points. And the crazy thing is that I still managed to start the wrong Patriots running back. If I start Blount, I break 200!
And hey, I know I'm still 1-2 and half my team is on bye or hurt this week and I'm likely going to lose to Darth Falafel. But for one glorious week, everything was fucking awesome.
I would be remiss, however, if I didn't throw down some words towards Maine's unfortunate team. He scored the 2nd most points in the league (not only this week, but for the year so far), and still had to suffer a loss. All those years of tax evasion finally caught up to him and the IRS (weirdly) teamed up with Yahoo Fantasy Sports to audit his miserable ass.
Seriously. That is demoralizing. How do you even get up out of bed on Tuesday morning if you're Maine?
In conclusion, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
- The Commish
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Week 2 Recap
Hi folks!
After completely dominant wins on Saturday by Universities Miami, Virginia, and Florida, everyone was no-doubt feeling chipper and optimistic going into Sunday's NFL action. There was no queasy feelings, no foreboding emotions, no tingling in the back of our lizard brains. There was no chance everything would go straight to hell in a hand basket. There was no chance all of our hopes and dreams would be dashed after only Week 2. There was no chance of a sadness-bowl of penalties, injuries, upsets, and failure. No...it was going to be a good Sunday...
And it was! *
(* Applies to Sean only.)
Onto the recap...
Fargo Woodchippers 118 Officer Octagon 79
Quarter-back hurt badly - check! No backup Quarterback - check! Star running back leaves with an ankle injury after 3 carries - check! Wide Receiver hurts his knee after a monster 1st half - check! Shit-ton of points left on the bench - check! Opponent's Wide Receiver raping your favorite team - check! Season over - checkmate! See everyone next year!
Winnebago Man 154 Frantic 114
No joy here either. This week Bradley was on the losing end of a high scoring matchup. And Robby can't even enjoy his early Chicken Bone dominance, what with the Dolphins imploding in Jacksonville and him having to root for the Patriots all year. (Though, take a look. His team is seriously stacked. Could we be on the verge of a Robby Renaissance? Is this the year of The Robby?)
Sausage King & Champ 115 Bacon on Chainwax 85
Everything's turning up Sausage. But really, who do you think you are - William & Mary? Pick a name and go with it dude.
Maine can always re-watch this to lift his spirits...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He7TnoCM7fo
Darth Falafel 133 Slurenity Now 127
Damn..we're never going to get any good Steve rants without some false hope. And he is without hope so far. His fantasy team and the Giants both starting 0-2 does not bode well for tricking him into caring about football this year. Gonna have to go with Steve "Classic" again. This time from Dec 15, 2009...
"This is fucking bullshit! I'm sorry, but I cannot accept Pretzel Boy in the playoffs and not me. I went from first to eliminated -- the worst collapse in fantasy history since probably whatever the fuck I did last year! And now I have to pretend that I'm interested in seeing Mazzlemuzzle against half of Strobby in the championship??? You know what? Fuck it -- I hope Michael wins again! You know what else I want? Ronnie Brown's fucking head on a platter. And I want to see Kurt Warner die. But really painfully -- like have him slowly being eaten away by a flesh eating virus as he is forced to watch Greg Louganis and Lance Bass in a three way around the world with Adam Lambert!!! I hope that mother fucker gets hit by a bus full of retarded schoolkids."
European Swallows 124 House of Thongs 71
Wow...Carson Palmer was the only dude that showed up at all for Rich in Week 2. It's hard to get no touchdowns at all from your other skill players, but he somehow managed it. ... Meanwhile, I'm not sure I can deal with the next few months of my brother and Robby dominating this league. Good thing they are playing each other in Week 3.
Peace out,
- The Commish
After completely dominant wins on Saturday by Universities Miami, Virginia, and Florida, everyone was no-doubt feeling chipper and optimistic going into Sunday's NFL action. There was no queasy feelings, no foreboding emotions, no tingling in the back of our lizard brains. There was no chance everything would go straight to hell in a hand basket. There was no chance all of our hopes and dreams would be dashed after only Week 2. There was no chance of a sadness-bowl of penalties, injuries, upsets, and failure. No...it was going to be a good Sunday...
And it was! *
(* Applies to Sean only.)
Onto the recap...
Fargo Woodchippers 118 Officer Octagon 79
Quarter-back hurt badly - check! No backup Quarterback - check! Star running back leaves with an ankle injury after 3 carries - check! Wide Receiver hurts his knee after a monster 1st half - check! Shit-ton of points left on the bench - check! Opponent's Wide Receiver raping your favorite team - check! Season over - checkmate! See everyone next year!
Winnebago Man 154 Frantic 114
No joy here either. This week Bradley was on the losing end of a high scoring matchup. And Robby can't even enjoy his early Chicken Bone dominance, what with the Dolphins imploding in Jacksonville and him having to root for the Patriots all year. (Though, take a look. His team is seriously stacked. Could we be on the verge of a Robby Renaissance? Is this the year of The Robby?)
Sausage King & Champ 115 Bacon on Chainwax 85
Everything's turning up Sausage. But really, who do you think you are - William & Mary? Pick a name and go with it dude.
Maine can always re-watch this to lift his spirits...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He7TnoCM7fo
Darth Falafel 133 Slurenity Now 127
Damn..we're never going to get any good Steve rants without some false hope. And he is without hope so far. His fantasy team and the Giants both starting 0-2 does not bode well for tricking him into caring about football this year. Gonna have to go with Steve "Classic" again. This time from Dec 15, 2009...
"This is fucking bullshit! I'm sorry, but I cannot accept Pretzel Boy in the playoffs and not me. I went from first to eliminated -- the worst collapse in fantasy history since probably whatever the fuck I did last year! And now I have to pretend that I'm interested in seeing Mazzlemuzzle against half of Strobby in the championship??? You know what? Fuck it -- I hope Michael wins again! You know what else I want? Ronnie Brown's fucking head on a platter. And I want to see Kurt Warner die. But really painfully -- like have him slowly being eaten away by a flesh eating virus as he is forced to watch Greg Louganis and Lance Bass in a three way around the world with Adam Lambert!!! I hope that mother fucker gets hit by a bus full of retarded schoolkids."
European Swallows 124 House of Thongs 71
Wow...Carson Palmer was the only dude that showed up at all for Rich in Week 2. It's hard to get no touchdowns at all from your other skill players, but he somehow managed it. ... Meanwhile, I'm not sure I can deal with the next few months of my brother and Robby dominating this league. Good thing they are playing each other in Week 3.
Peace out,
- The Commish
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Week 1 Recap
Ho Folks,
Well that was ugly. U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, ugly. After a top-notch draft Draft Weekend, everyone was feeling pretty good about themselves. Then the real shit started. Week 1 is always good for that dose of reality. Even the winners didn't win easy. As Rich "New Steve" Spady wrote...fucking miserable...
Recap ahead...
Bradley 144 Commish 126
This one didn't end until way after I was asleep on Monday night, so it just feels like a bad dream. In doubt until Carlos Hyde went ape shit on the west coast, Bradley pulled ahead to claim victory and the early league lead. He also regrets his profanity-laden tirade against his running backs on Sunday afternoon and has subsequently apologized to his players, his fellow owners, the Yahoo community at-large, and the State of Mississippi.
Champion Name TBD 117 Gutterballs 84
Is there no end to the team name awfulness?!?!? Seriously!!! So the "winner" here has a still To-Be-Determined name? And the loser here didn't even bother to change his fucking Coen brother-reference name from last year? Step it up assholes!!! Oh, and Happy New Year!
Bacon on Chainwax 110 Slurenity Now 93
I think we might have broke Steve. That was fast.
Looks like we're going to have to go with "Classic Steve" for a while. Here's one from 2005 - "This is just fucking sad. By far the worst fantasy season I have ever had. I'm actually looking forward to football season being over. There wasn't even false hope this year, just no hope at all. It's like I went on a big weekend trip to Las Vegas expecting to win a shitload of money and to go spend it at the Bunny Ranch on 2 hot blonds. Instead, I wound up in Wyoming, got mugged on the freeway, stopped in at what I thought was a tittie bar, which turned out to be the Blue Oyster Bar, and wound up dancing all night with 2 bikers named Ace and Gary to a song called "It's Midnight in Montana and I Can't Get My Dick Out of This Cow"!!!! This Fucking Sucks!!!"
European Swallows 133 Darth Falafel 113
In an early season matchup of the two most despised owners in the league, the younger Cole takes this one by a cool 20 points. It capped off a pretty horrendous weekend for Travis, which can be viewed as karma for prioritizing a woman over us. I only hope he was there in person to watch his Lions lose in San Diego. He deserved everything he got.
Winnebago Man 118 House of Thongs 117
In the first of our season's heart-breakers, Thong goes down by a fraction of a point. It capped off a pretty horrendous weekend for Rich, which can be viewed as karma for voting for fractional points in the first place. Tough luck, dude...
Cheers,
The Commish
Well that was ugly. U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, ugly. After a top-notch draft Draft Weekend, everyone was feeling pretty good about themselves. Then the real shit started. Week 1 is always good for that dose of reality. Even the winners didn't win easy. As Rich "New Steve" Spady wrote...fucking miserable...
Recap ahead...
Bradley 144 Commish 126
This one didn't end until way after I was asleep on Monday night, so it just feels like a bad dream. In doubt until Carlos Hyde went ape shit on the west coast, Bradley pulled ahead to claim victory and the early league lead. He also regrets his profanity-laden tirade against his running backs on Sunday afternoon and has subsequently apologized to his players, his fellow owners, the Yahoo community at-large, and the State of Mississippi.
Champion Name TBD 117 Gutterballs 84
Is there no end to the team name awfulness?!?!? Seriously!!! So the "winner" here has a still To-Be-Determined name? And the loser here didn't even bother to change his fucking Coen brother-reference name from last year? Step it up assholes!!! Oh, and Happy New Year!
Bacon on Chainwax 110 Slurenity Now 93
I think we might have broke Steve. That was fast.
Looks like we're going to have to go with "Classic Steve" for a while. Here's one from 2005 - "This is just fucking sad. By far the worst fantasy season I have ever had. I'm actually looking forward to football season being over. There wasn't even false hope this year, just no hope at all. It's like I went on a big weekend trip to Las Vegas expecting to win a shitload of money and to go spend it at the Bunny Ranch on 2 hot blonds. Instead, I wound up in Wyoming, got mugged on the freeway, stopped in at what I thought was a tittie bar, which turned out to be the Blue Oyster Bar, and wound up dancing all night with 2 bikers named Ace and Gary to a song called "It's Midnight in Montana and I Can't Get My Dick Out of This Cow"!!!! This Fucking Sucks!!!"
European Swallows 133 Darth Falafel 113
In an early season matchup of the two most despised owners in the league, the younger Cole takes this one by a cool 20 points. It capped off a pretty horrendous weekend for Travis, which can be viewed as karma for prioritizing a woman over us. I only hope he was there in person to watch his Lions lose in San Diego. He deserved everything he got.
Winnebago Man 118 House of Thongs 117
In the first of our season's heart-breakers, Thong goes down by a fraction of a point. It capped off a pretty horrendous weekend for Rich, which can be viewed as karma for voting for fractional points in the first place. Tough luck, dude...
Cheers,
The Commish
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Monday, August 24, 2015
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