Year-End Awards

Best Draft Picks:  Robby - everyone he touched turned to solid gold.
Worst Draft Pick: Commish (Fat Eddie Lacy, $54)

Best Team Name:  tie - House of Thongs; Bacon on Chainwax.  A better year overall for team names.  Nicely done folks.
Worst Team Name: Officer Octagon.  Lame city.

Worst Tax Evasion:  Maine

Most Bitter Owner:  Falafel
Least Bitter Owner: Mike Frank, who made the playoffs despite being pretty terrible.

Best Waiver Wire Pickups:  Doug Baldwin and Brandin Cooks (Commish)
Dennis Northcutt Memorial Worst Waiver Wire Pickup:  Cecil Shorts III, everybody

Best Trade:  Mike Cole, by default
Worst Trade:  Commish, by default

Waiver Wire Champ:  In an upset, the Commish.  Really scratched and clawed this year.  Suck it Steve!!!
Waiver Wire Chump:  Robby.

Worst Injury: Falafel and his flimsy ACL.

Most Regrets:  Mike Cole (see Ted Ginn and his family)

Auction Bitch:  Thong.  Couldn't overcome that horrrid start.

Poster of the year:  I dunno man...everyone did a pretty good constant job of airing their grievances.  Gonna have to go with Steve-O here.  He filled any uncomfortable silences with his spewage; plus his stirring tribute to Joe Theismann's broken leg brought the house down and the league to tears.
  

Jean Shorts Champion:  Sausage. He didn't win the Chicken Bone Cup again this year, so the jean shorts will have to do! 

Mr Irrelevant: Bradley


Peace, love, and chicken grease,
- The Commish

Week 14 Recap

Ho. Lee. Shit.

That was a wild end to the regular season, with almost everyone and their mother holding out false hope to make the playoffs.  Let's run down the final week of action and tie a bloody ribbon around the Ridiculous Six who didn’t get in. 

Commish 130  Thong 127

Thanks to a miracle late Fat Eddie Lacy Touchdown on the last night of Hanukkah, the Commish sneaks into the playoffs with a 7-7 record .  Now I’m looking forward to getting crushed by Robby in the first round.  Meanwhile, Merry Christmas to Thong!  Here, I got you this google docs spreadsheet in which you can type in all the values at the draft next year!  Welcome to last place, Auction Bitch!!!  There’ll be someone else wearing the Jean Shorts this year….

Falafel 142  Mazzle 132

…but it won’t be Bradley.  His squad could never get anything good going this year and he finishes in 9^th place, out of even the consolation bracket.  Looks like this was the wrong year to live in Atlanta.  (I think Maine put a curse on both of them, starting with their bathrooms).   The end of the season couldn’t come quick enough for him...

Meanwhile, someone else wishes the regular season was a week longer.  Falafel put up another big week and finished strong with 4 wins in a row.  But it wasn’t enough to manage higher than 6^th place.  He can limp back home with a moral victory, and isn’t that what fantasy football is really about?  Here’s to moral victories!!!  May they bring you false hope to last a lifetime!!!

Bacon 86  Fargo 75

Another week, and another 75 point total for Mike Frank.  It was a terrible season for him, and he finishes with the lowest total points scored in the whole league.  Let me just check the standings here to see how low he ended up placing…. Hmmm…..WHAAAAAAAAAAA?????  You gotta be shitting me?  3^rd place?  8-6?  WHAT THE FUCK??  Man, if I hadn’t made the playoffs, I’d be hella pissed at this guy.  

Speaking of hella pissed, Maine finishes in 8^th place, with another lost season.  Mo Raiders, mo problems.  Also, Andrew Luck better watch his back.

Sausage King 125  Michael Swallows 91

The Sausage is dead.  Long live the sausage.  Despite a win over Mike Cole and a 7-7 finish, the Sausage King fails to make the playoffs, fails to defend his championship, and fails to grow new hair on his head.  He’s D-U-N and B-A-L-D.

Mike Cole loses a meaningless game, but makes the playoffs for a record bajillionth time.  Goddammit, Robby better beat him in the final.

Robby 134  Steve 98

Speaking of which, with another big win, Robby cruises into the postseason with the #1 seed and home field advantage throughout the playoffs.  He is the overwhelming favorite to win it all, having drafted wisely and then just sat back and watched the victories come rolling in.  Gonna be festive if he loses.

The other half of Strobby didn’t fare as well, with Steve’s whole team going belly up a month ago.  A bunch of losses in a row to end the season and just like that, a championship contender is out on his ass.  Kinda like the Gators and the Giants and the Mets.

So we’re down to the final 4.  And it looks like we’re keeping the Chicken Bone Cup in the family.  Got a lot of cousin-on-cousin violence in store the next couple weeks.  Buckle up motherfuckers.

-          - The Commish

Week 11 Recap

Week 10 Fake Recap (by Steve)

Ok, so I just remembered Jason asked me to guest host this week's recap. Apparently he is too busy jerking off an Eskimo in Iceland to do this, so you're stuck with me. Unfortunately, I didn't pay attention to what happened this week and am too damn lazy to go back and look at the scores. Also, I have no idea how to post this to the recap blog so I'll trust that no one will read this and Jason will figure out a way to get this on the blog.

So, I almost decided to just skip it, since no one reads this shit anyway. But then I realized that today marks a very special anniversary. No, not the day Travis lost his virginity to a Perkins waitress with three teeth. And, no, not the day I banged his Mom in the backseat of a 1976 Lincoln Continental on the way to a sit-in to protest women's suffrage. Nope...today is the day that one of my favorite Giant coke addicts of all time, Lawrence Taylor, snapped Joe Theismann's leg in half, giving rise to the naming of the Chicken Bone Cup!!! Yes, today my friends, is the day that made all of this possible.

So rather than recap this insanely ridiculous fantasy season in which every player known to man has snapped his Achilles, and in which Robby is running away with this whole friggin thing, I prefer to use this recap as a way to raise a glass to all of you. And to Larry and Joey for collaborating on that wonderful play so many years ago that brought us all together. When you pull that wishbone on Thanksgiving Day and make a wish, please also remember that Tibia/Fibula wishbone that Mr. Taylor broke apart 30 years ago today! And please pray that one of the Strobby brothers will defeat one of the Cole brothers in this year's championship! As that appears to be where this thing is heading, unless Pretzel Boy or Mr. Balding Wondernuts decides to make a late push for the Fourth Seed!

Enjoy your week, Happy Thanksgiving to you all!! And Travis, please remind your Mom to bring the bullwhip and the bottle of Macallen 18 this year to the Christmas Eve Key Party!!

Peace out, fucknuts!

Week 8 - Power Rankings

Hi folks,

Let's do something different this week.  How about some power rankings?  (I'll remind you to pay close attention to these, as I occasionally get it right.) 

10.  Darth Falafel

He's in a complete free fall, having lost 5 in a row.  He's got a paper thin roster behind an underachieving Aaron Rodgers.  And in a must win week, he pinned all his hopes on Tedd Ginn and Ted Ginn's family.  Enough said.

9.  Frantic

Bradley's team is a total shit-show.  Total.  Shit.  Show.  Seriously, look at that mangled, deformed thing he calls a roster.  He's going to have to bust his ass not to be next year's Auction Bitch.

8.  House Thong

In recent weeks, Thong has gone from totally incompetent to merely lousy.  At 2-6, you can still write him off, but he has a chance to play spoiler during the last six weeks, as he attempts to earn a spot in the consolation bracket.  Those jean shorts are still achievable dude!  Live your dream!

7.  Fargo Woodchippers

Wow, that was a bad week. Not only did he lose to a team only scoring 75 points, but he also lost Le'Veon Bell for the season. The only reason Mike Frank is ranked this high, is that he's 4-4 and destined to finish 7-7 no matter what he does.  He should change his team name to "Mediocre Inertia."

6.  Sausage King &

Sean lost this week despite getting 7 TDs and 45 points out of Brees. If that isn't an indictment of the rest of his roster, I'm not sure what is.  After 3 straight losses, it looks like his title defense is going the way of his hair. 

5.  Bacon on Chainwax

OK, now we move into the Varsity part of the rankings, where the teams have a chance in hell of winning it all.  And after 2 wins in a row, "Chance-in-hell" is Maine's middle name.  His roster is looking kinda feisty right now, with Kelce as a high-end TE, Charcandrick running like the real deal, Oakland's passing game looking legit, and two viable quarterbacks to incorrectly choose from on a weekly basis.  Don't sleep on Maine.

4.  European Swallows

Sure, he only scored 75 points this week.  But he's still 5-3 and has a lot of players on the upswing, including one Antonio Brown who is about to go off.  He's got some depth on that bad boy too.  No telling what he might do down the stretch. 

3. Officer Octagon

Not sure what I really have with this squad.  Sure I have the most points scored in the league so far, but it's all seems like it's teetering on the edge of disaster every week.  I just have a bad feeling about this....

2.  Soy un Steve

Looking like the team to beat a couple weeks ago, Steve has lost Arian Foster and Steve Smith to season-ending injuries.  He's still got a formidable roster, just not as much depth to spare.  Also, he's liable to make all the wrong pitching decisions and lose most of his games in the 9th inning.  (Disclaimer: some of these statements may apply only to the New York Mets.)

1.  Winnebago Man

And here is your number one team in the power rankings.  The Brady to Gronk combo is devastating.  Adrian Peterson is looking like his old self.  Jarvis Landry is a PPR monster.  Doug Martin is looking rejuvenated.  And there are no more coaches of his teams left to fire.  So there you go....Robby (Robby!) is officially the team to beat.


- The Commish

Week 7 Recap

Hi folks,

Hey now!  Halfway through the season, this league is tighter than a frogs twat!  There is less distribution than the first season of Breaking Bad!  These records are closer than...um...things that are really close.  .. In other news, this is my seventh recap in a row, which has to be some sort of record.  I'm running on fumes here people!  Plus I'm still drunk from all those weekend Mole Day parties.  So you might not be getting my best effort here...  That being said, let's do this thing...

Steve 134   Commish 119
Well shit.  I knew I didn't want to play Steve this week.  Couldn't Arian Foster tear all his joints in the first quarter instead of the fourth?  Irregardless, with his fantasy team rolling, the Gators having a surprisingly good season, and the Mets in the World Series, everything is coming up Steven.  He is feelin good.  Meanwhile, I'm going to go put in a waiver claim for Alfred Blue now...

Mike Cole Swallows Cum Then Europeans His Mouth  117  Bradley's Nightmare 98

A few random observations after an ugly Mike Cole win that I don't feel like writing about...

• Jimmy Graham has really been up and down this year.
• I'm tired of seeing C. Johnson in the box scores and having to take the extra 4 seconds to figure out which one it is.  
• LeGarrette Blount might be the most frustrating guy in the league to own.
• Speaking of blunts, Delane Walker is being passed around the league like pot at Snoop's house.  Need a Bye week TE fill in, he's your guy!

Thongs 140  Woodchippers 120

Once again, Thong decides to start all 10 players and once again he walks away with a victory.  I think he might be onto something here.  Also a big game from TY.   Mike Frank slips to 4-3 and will no doubt finish 7-7...blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda... There's something to be said for consistency I suppose.  Mike Frank is also a Mets fan.  If they win the World Series, he is planning on having a 4-way with Steve, Daniel Murphy, and Mr. Met.  

Bacon 107  Falafel 104

In the battle of 2-4 teams, Bacon comes out on top by giving Falafel cancer.  

Robby! 170  Sausage Queen 85

In the total beat-down of the week, Robby doubles up Sean to take over sole possession of first place.  Thanks to the Pats and the Dolphins, this one was over by about 2:30 on Sunday.  Damn, lucky Robby...  That almost makes up for The Terps, The Canes, and the Fins all firing their head coaches in the middle of the season.  That is nuts.  Damn, poor Robby...

Whew I'm Spent,

The Commish

Week 6 Recap

Hi folks!!  Happy Tuesday!!

Lots of dirt to dish this week to lets go straight to the recap...


Officer Jason 147   Mike Cole Swallows 126

A respectable showing from The Swallows, but just not enough this week.  He really misses Ben Roethlisberger.  A couple notes on my team, who despite my 4 wins in a row, is starting to show some cracks:

• When did Eddie Lacy decide to suck?  Did I miss a meeting?  What the hell, man!?!
• Every year I tell myself I'm not going to end up with a Patriots running back because their usage is too unpredictable, and every year I end up with two.
• One of these weeks I'll figure out when to start DeMarco Murray.  This was not that week.
• I'd sure like Anquan Boldin back about now.  Can we institute 1 free player take back a year?
• On my roster is a Brandon, a Brandon, and Brandin.
• On my roster is a DeMarco, a Devonta, and a Demaryius.

House of Rich  139    Frantic Bradley  103

A Thong sighting!  With help from the returning Alshon Jeffrey, Rich is on the board with his first win of the year.  He decided to go with the controversial strategy of setting his lineup and not playing anyone on bye or inactive.  And it paid off handsomely!  Go figure!


Fargo Franks 109   Darth Travis 99

A ten point win for the second week in a row, the Fightin Franks move to two games over .500.  That won't last.  Meanwhile, Falafel tears up his ACL playing "basketball" and not - as has been rumored in the press - at an orgy at Rob Gronkowski's house.

Winnebago Robby 113   Maine Bacon 90

Robby gets back to his winning ways with help from Lamar Miller of all people.  Meanwhile, Maine's running backs consist of 150-year-old Frank Gore, Melvin "0.90 points" Gordon, somebody named "Charcandrick," and 17 crappy Giants running backs.  He should have stuck with his old strategy of overpaying for kickers at the draft.  At least that way, he couldn't be too disappointed.  Even with Andrew Luck back, this season is deteriorating rapidly for Maine. Also, "Rapidly Deteriorating Bacon" would be a great team name.

Loser Steve 175   Bigger Loser Sean Sausage 135

In the well-deserved beat-down of the week, Sean finally suffers some comeuppance for his antics of the past few weeks.  About damn time someone took that motherfucker down!!!  And speaking of comeuppance, Steve is coming up strong.  His roster is stacked and only getting stacked-er.  I do not want to play his team any time soon.  Wait, what's that?  Oh.  

- The Commish